Brian pulled out his phone. “Jaron? I'm taking your sister home… um, terrible…” I threw him a look and he just shrugged. “I already asked her and she said home was fine…”
“Tell him I'm taking a pill and he can check on me when he gets back.”
“She's taking a… oh, you got that… take her to the hospital if she what? Okay, bye.” He looked over at me, his eyebrows pulled together. “Don't pass out, okay? It'll send us both to the hospital.”
“Oh, come on, you were in the military right? You shouldn't be so squeamish,” I teased quietly.
“Yeah,” he said, “that's why I don't like hospitals.”
I was curious about Brian's experiences in Iraq, what made him not like hospitals. It, too, was a good distraction.
“Oh, food, I have to feed you before you make yourself crash. There's a Crown Burger, is that okay?”
I couldn't smile. I fought to stay conscious. I pressed the side of my face against the cool glass and closed my eyes. It helped.
“Leigh?” He sounded stressed. He reached over and put a hand on my leg.
“Plain cheeseburger, chocolate shake, and that's all I'll be able to handle. You'll have to eat my fries,” I said quietly.
I heard him breathe out in relief. He moved his hand.
I ate slowly on the way home. The drive was short. Neither of us spoke. When we pulled into the driveway, Brian ran to my side of the car. I turned and set my legs on the ground but realized I was going to need his help to stand. After the past year of relying on everyone around me, I really wanted to do things on my own.
I looked up at him standing there.
“Here.” He held his hands out for me to take.
I grabbed ahold of his forearms, and he helped me slowly out of the car. I was shaky and incredibly dizzy. The backyard seemed to move like a small boat being pitched about in the waves. I'd given up on having any amount of dignity, so I let Brian put his arm around me and I leaned against him.
“I just thought of something,” he said. “There might be some explaining to do if I take you to your house because Jaron said something about wanting you somewhere he can sit with you.”
Sit with me? While I slept? “What about the honor code and all that?”
I felt Brian shrug.
As much as I wanted my bed, I didn't want questions from my roommates, and I didn't need Jaron in my room. Whatever, there was no arguing with Brian over whatever Jaron was determined to do. Jaron and I would have to talk later. “No.” I sighed. “Take me to yours.”
“I know this all seems really dramatic,” I said quietly as he walked with me down the stairs, “but I'll be fine, I promise.”
“Well, that's good because you look terrible.” He tried to laugh.
I slipped and fell against him.
“Whoa.” He scooped me up in his arms.
“Now my humiliation is complete.” I felt too tired to argue and let my head rest on his shoulder.
“At least you kept us both out of the hospital.” He opened the door while keeping me in his arms. “And you weigh nothing.”
I leaned against Brian through their house and into Jaron's room. The dizziness was so disorienting. He slowly set me down on Jaron's bed. One thing for sure, Brian was strong.
“Your sleeping pills?” He asked as he kneeled by the bed.
“My bathroom.”
He came back a few minutes later with water and my small bottle. I raised my meds up to him, and he took the bottle, opened it, and handed it back.
“Thanks.” I didn't know what else to say. A mix of gratitude and embarrassment filled me. I slid a full one out, took a glass from Brian's hand and swallowed it.
“No problem. I promised your brother I'd stay here until he gets back. I hope I wasn't out of line, but you had a pair of pajama pants on your bed and I grabbed those too. If you need anything, knock on the wall. I'd never hear you otherwise, okay?”
“Okay.” It seemed silly, but knowing someone would be here made it easier for me to relax. I could feel my body getting heavier as I pulled off my jeans and put on my sweats. I lay my head on my brother's pillow and drifted into sleep.
I opened my eyes slowly. Jaron sat on the floor in his room reading a book.
“Hey,” I whispered. My body felt thick and heavy from my stupid sleeping pills. I hated it.
“There you are,” he whispered and slid closer to the bed. “You scared me.”
“I'm fine.” I kept blinking. My eyes were dried out.
“Do you feel better?”
“Not yet. I still feel drugged. What time is it?”
“It's close to 1 p.m., Sunday.”
“I slept for almost 24 hours?” I sighed. A whole day lost.
“Not quite.”
“Have you been here the whole time?” I looked over at him.
He nodded.
“Jaron. It's completely unnecessary for you to sit here while I sleep.” Then I realized something else. “You missed your meetings?”
He didn't say anything for a few minutes. “It's scary, Leigh.” I could see it in his face. It was a lot for him to admit. I suddenly saw this whole experience through his eyes. “It took everything in me not to run you to the hospital.”
“Sorry.” I still hadn't bothered to lift my head off the pillow.
“No, no, don't apologize. Don't feel bad that I'm here.” He shifted his weight and ran his hand over his head. “I couldn't imagine not being here. Besides,” he smiled at me, “What would Mom say if she thought I'd left you all alone?”
I tried to laugh through my guilt and gratitude.
“Julie went above and beyond for dinner for everyone tonight. I'm sure it's just about done. Wanna head up?”
“How bad do I look?”
He shrugged. “You look like you've been asleep for a day, but your hair is still impressively smooth and shiny.”
“Well, I'm starving. I guess it doesn't really matter.” I started to slide out of bed. I had no idea what to tell everyone. How do you explain crashing at your brother's house and ditching the ward hike?
“You might want to consider talking to everyone. You know I already told Brian about your last year. You said it was okay.”
I nodded. “He was very nice.”
“Well, he's a nice guy.”
Jaron took my arms as I stood out of bed. He was right. I needed to say something. I just hated being the sick girl.
ten
I heard them finish the prayer as we hit the bottom of the porch steps.
“Leigh!” Julie's face lit into a smile.
“Hey.” I tried to react appropriately, but my body still felt heavy and thick.
“Sleepover at the boys’ place, huh?” Kim laughed.
Maybe I shouldn't have been irritated with her, but I was. I only glanced at her briefly before sitting down. I put my hands in my lap and clenched them together between my legs. “Well, I'm sure you all have noticed that wherever I am, my brother is too. He's not normally this obnoxious about being so overprotective, but it was part of the deal if I wanted to come to school this year.” Everyone was suddenly quiet, listening to me. Brian was the only one who knew what was coming.
“I didn't make it to school last year because I had cancer.” All the girls held their breath. Stuart looked surprised, but he watched my brother, not me. “The chemo was really hard on my body.” I looked down at my plate for a minute. “Sometimes I can't sleep, and that really spirals me down fast, so I need a day or two of sleep so I can function again. That's why I don't walk to school, that's why Jaron monitors me so carefully, and that's why I'm only taking four classes. I get dizzy easily. I get tired fast. It was recommended that I take another semester off to recover, but I was too impatient to get out of the house and start my life.”
“Oh my gosh, Leigh.” Julie's eyes filled with concern. “Are you okay now?”
“I'm in remission, that's their term. But I know it's gone. I've spent too many hours on my
knees to have any doubt over that. The only lasting side effect for me is that I can't have kids, but in comparison… it's not such a big thing.” I couldn't believe I'd been able to get it all out, but it seemed if I was going to drop one thing, I might as well drop it all. “I just didn't want you all to think I was crazy or that Jaron was some kind of tyrant.” I heard a couple of people start to laugh.
“Well, you'll let us know if we can do anything, right, Leigh?” Megan asked.
I nodded. We sat in silence for a few moments.
“Can we eat now?” Brian laughed.
I let out a breath of tension, grateful for the diversion.
“Yes, dig in!” Julie attempted to smile but her eyes kept diverting from mine and darting around the table, looking at nothing in particular.
We ate quietly; probably no one knew exactly what to say. It felt about as uncomfortable as I guessed it would.
I followed Julie into the kitchen just after dinner. Something didn't feel right with her.
“Julie?” I called as I walked inside.
“Yeah, Leigh. I'm right here.” She sat on a stool in her kitchen. Her shoulders slumped over, and she turned to look at me as she spoke.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Are you?” Her eyes narrowed.
“What do you mean?”
“I suddenly feel guilty for being pregnant. Does that make sense?”
“Oh no, please, please, don't.” I didn't know how best to alleviate her fears. “I feel like I've been such a part of it and I'm loving it. I'm more worried that you're going to get sick of having me around.”
“No, I can't imagine that.”
“It's been really neat for me, being around you, and you're not even to the exciting part yet,” I smiled. “Never feel bad or sad for me or anything. You have to promise or I'll feel bad coming over, okay?”
She stood up, pulling me into a hug. “You have the sweetest spirit of anyone I've ever met, do you know that?”
“Thank you, Julie.”
I turned and walked back out to the porch. “I'm headed home.” I waved without looking at anyone in particular. “I still don't feel great, so I'll see you later.”
Jaron put his arm around me and walked with me back to my apartment.
“That was good, Leigh.” We both watched our feet cross the backyard.
“Well, it's all out there now.”
“What is?”
“The girl who sings, the girl who sews, Jaron's little sister, and the girl with cancer. I guess you don't really get to start over when you move.”
“No, you don't. Because you take ‘you’ with you.”
“I was just hoping for a clean slate.”
“The only one who believes in clean slates is Heavenly Father, Leigh.”
I sighed. “Night.”
Jaron pulled me into a tight hug. “Night.”
eleven
I sat on the floor with Brian and Jaron, a large pizza between us.
“These math classes are killing me!” I complained. I picked off a few stray pieces of pepperoni and threw them back in the box. There were always too many.
“Why exactly are you majoring in a field dominated by math geniuses?” Brian asked.
“I like putting things together. Buildings are like puzzles. All the perfect elements are set up just right to make the end result something special. I find the process amazing. I loved my one class in high school. I was good at math in high school. I thought it would be a fun thing to continue.”
“Isn't that what you do with your sewing?” Brian asked.
“What do you mean?” It didn't seem the same at all. I set my pizza down and waited for him to continue.
“You're always doing your own patterns. I know enough about sewing to know that's a big deal. Why don't you do something with that? Or art history? You love that class too.”
“I just don't think I want to.” I didn't want to explain more than that. It seemed like such a girl thing to do. I was already “the girl who sews.”
“Why not?” he persisted.
“I don't know, it just seems too easy, like cheating my way into a degree.” He must've really been paying attention when we all talked. I didn't remember saying anything directly to him about how much I sewed.
“Well, that's why I'm doing web design. For me, it's easy, for someone else, say, your brother, who still has issues with email,” Brian said, laughing a little, “not so much. It's not cheating just because something's easy for you. It's a gift. Use it.”
“Still, it seems like cheating.” I took another bite.
He shrugged. “I know you must love it. More than half of what you brought from home has to do with sewing.” Brian looked over at Jaron, and Jaron smiled at me. “And I bet you read your Art History text just for fun.” He polished off his third slice. “There's no substitute for doing what you love.”
Older people could be so irritating. I could feel something telling me that there was a possibility he could be right, but I wasn't ready to give up my major. Not yet.
“And that must be why you're still tending bar,” I half-teased.
Jaron laughed, and Brian shook his head. At least he knew I was only kidding.
“I'm going to get dessert,” Jaron stood up and walked to the kitchen.
“Wow, you guys did dessert?” I asked.
“Nope. Jaron walked past the donut store just before closing, you know how everything's cheap just before they flip the sign.”
I laughed.
We sat silent for a minute. I started to say something and almost stopped.
“Spit it out, Leigh.” Brian pulled up a corner of his mouth.
“Isn't it hard?” I asked. “Working in a bar all night? I mean, wouldn't you be tempted all the time?” I was still baffled by his job. I understood little work and more money, but it had to be hard, especially for someone who didn't always live the way he did.
“Our bishop has asked me that a few times.” He nodded. “Sometimes it's hard, and other times it just strengthens my testimony. I see how really stupid people are when they've been drinking. I see tobacco-stained teeth. They smell bad, and after a while a lot of them act badly too. Once in a while I'm filling up a nice cold beer and I'm tempted to fill one up for myself, but I think about what I've gained over the past year, and I wouldn't give that up for anything.”
I didn't know what to say. His answer was more profound than I expected. I found myself studying his face more than I had before. Brian had such a warm quality around him and even though he was turning into another brother next door, he was a good-looking man. It was hard not to notice in such close proximity.
“Dessert!” Jaron smiled as he rejoined us on the floor.
I jumped at the intrusion. “Orange one's mine!” I grabbed the only one with orange frosting and took a bite before anyone else could claim it.
twelve
“For you, Leigh!” I heard Megan call. “Your brother's here!”
I hadn't even heard a knock. I came out of my room in my pajamas to see Jaron standing just inside the door.
“Here are the keys to my car.” He held out his hand.
I stopped and raised an eyebrow.
“Dad finally tracked down Brian's ex-wife. Brian and I are driving to Vegas and back tomorrow to pick up his son, Nathan.”
“In one day?” It sounded exhausting.
“Well, neither of us can really afford to miss any more classes than that.”
“Well, I promise to treat her well.” I dangled the keys in the air. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” Jaron turned to walk out.
“How long will Nathan be here?” How would Brian handle school and work with a little kid around?
“A week.” Jaron pulled open the door. “Brian will drop him off next Sunday.”
“Okay. Good night.”
“Night, Leigh.” He closed the door behind him.
I had Jaron's car. It seemed as if I should drive
around for a while just because I could.
Monday night was my last chance to get my math homework finished. I'd been at the table for hours, sorting through problems and getting nowhere. I stood up to stretch when I realized how long I'd been still. I knew it must be cold outside, but the fresh air sounded nice. I pulled on my coat and stepped outside. It was dark, but I could still see my breath in the light of the back porch.
I saw movement on the Rileys’ porch. “Brian?” I asked. There were only a few choices of who it could be.
“Yeah.” His voice sounded rough.
I walked over and sat down across from him. “You okay?” I hoped he didn't think I was intruding, but I felt as if I couldn't ignore him.
“I don't know.” His elbows rested on his knees and his body slumped over, defeated.
“Is Nathan settling in?”
“He didn't recognize me, Leigh—not at first. He didn't want to get in the car. He's grown up so much since the last time I saw him. I've already missed so much. How much more won't I get to be a part of?”
“I don't know.” I didn't know what to do. I ached for him. I couldn't imagine what it was like to have kids, especially in Brian's situation.
“He asked for his mom tonight.” Brian stared at his hands clasped in front of him.
“Of course he did. He probably would have asked for his mom if you two were still in the same house, Brian. He'll settle in, and once you guys get set up in a routine again, he'll be excited about coming up here. You'll see.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Have you prayed about it?” I asked.
“Is that always the answer?” He didn't move.
“Not always, but it is always the start of the answer. Or the start of feeling better.”
He looked up at me and smiled. “You're a very wise girl, Leigh.”
I laughed. “Every time I hear that word I think of Owl in the Winnie the Pooh story, who thinks he knows everything but really knows nothing. It's cracked me up at inappropriate times in Sunday School more than once.”
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