‘I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ she tells me. ‘Remember how well you did in practice? It’s the same thing but with a Santa suit on. Off you go. Judges are waiting. They can’t hang around all night.’
I grab hold of the zipline handle.
‘He’s coming down!’ a little girl yells, clapping her hands. ‘Santa’s coming! Santa’s coming early!’
I can’t help smiling. There are whistles and cheers.
‘Your public wants you, Mr Claus,’ Mum says.
I climb up on the verandah railing and sit with my legs hanging down, Santa sack over my shoulder.
A chant starts up from the crowd. ‘San-ta. San-ta. San-ta!’
I scan for Sasha and, when I find her, she’s staring right at me with those blue-sky eyes. I imagine what my cheek will feel like with her lips attached to it.
‘Off you go,’ Mum says, shoving me in the back. ‘Good luck!’ I slip off the railing and start down the zipline, slowly at first, my sweaty hands clutching the handle and the Santa sack, feet dangling down.
‘Whoooo!’ the crowd cheers.
Kids’ excited faces are lit up by the Christmas lights. Dozens of phone-cameras flash-fire. And one big flash from Andy, the Echo photographer. Sasha, the girl of my dreams, and my best mate are down there waiting for me. I feel like I’m inside a dream as I glide over the reindeer, candles and toy soldiers.
Adrenaline kicks in as I start to pick up speed.
‘San-ta. San-ta. San-ta,’ the little kids and parents continue to chant.
They love me. Sasha loves me. And my mum is going to win the Festival of Christmas Light. I know it.
I zip past the Christmas tree, but I feel a little tug on the back of my Santa suit. I look back to see that a string of Christmas lights has caught on my thick black belt. I reach around to unhook it. As I do, my Santa sack slips from my hand and the contents spill all over the grass beneath me, setting off a mad scramble from a bunch of the kids. I’m hanging by one hand from the zipline handle, my white Santa gloves losing their grip. The lights attached to me are rapidly tearing away from the tree and trailing along behind me like a long tail.
Crunch.
My boots hit neon Santa and his head snaps off, sending sparks and shards of glass flying. The sparks shoot up my legs and I feel a rush of heat as the white fur on the bottom of my Santa pants catches fire. I scissor-kick my legs but the air movement seems to fan the flames, giving off black smoke and a plastic stench. I’m almost at the front gate when I feel the electrical wire that’s hooked onto my Santa belt snap. There’s a loud bang and all the lights in the yard go out. So do the street lights. And the neighbours’ lights across the road. I think our street just won the Kings Bay Festival of Christmas Darkness. There are screams and howls. I’m plunging through the dark towards the gathered crowd, and the only light now is my rapidly spreading pants-fire.
Sasha and Jack’s faces are illuminated orange and wide with fear when, smack, my flaming boots hit Jack right in the chest. He topples to the ground. I land with a thump next to him and skid to a hand-grazing stop on the gravel at the edge of the road.
‘Put him out, put him out!’ someone yells.
I roll over in an attempt to extinguish my pants when I’m hit with a wall of water. I squint through the spray to see the silhouette of a man hosing me down. He has a clipboard in his hand. It’s one of the judges. Seconds later, the fire is out and my steaming legs start to cool rapidly.
‘Thank you,’ I sputter.
I realise that most of my pants are missing, revealing my polka-dot boxer shorts and stick-thin, slightly chargrilled chicken legs.
Sasha reaches down to give me a hand. Others gather around, staring at me.
‘Are you okay?’ she asks, helping me up. ‘Your poor legs.’
‘I think so,’ I say. ‘Bit hot. Scorched, actually.’
She holds my hand, pulls me close, takes off my Santa beard and leans in to kiss me on the cheek. There are a couple of ‘woots’ from kids nearby.
I’m so excited that my belly spasms with the shock of it. I feel the candy canes’ acidic warmth rise in my throat again, and I go to cover my mouth … but I’m too late. A stream of red, white and green candy cane goo streams from my mouth, onto Sasha’s t-shirt and down onto her jeans. Andy from the Echo, like any good journalist capturing a dramatic moment, takes two quick photos.
A squeak of disbelief escapes Sasha’s throat. She looks at me, horrified.
I wipe my chin and go to say sorry – at least my breath is nice and minty – but, as I open my mouth, I hurl again, on her shoes this time. Sasha shoves me in the chest, shrieks, ‘Oh my God!’ and races off through the crowd. She mustn’t have realised I was about to apologise.
‘Sasha!’ I scream, but my voice is hoarse with acid burn and it comes out in a whisper. ‘Sasha!’ I try again, but she’s gone and I’m left standing there in the dark.
‘Bummer,’ Jack says, standing up from where he was lying on the grass a couple of metres away. He rubs his chest where my flaming boots hit him. ‘You owe me a new Captain America t-shirt.’
Mum arrives on the scene and says, ‘Are you okay, Tom?’
I can’t tell if she’s concerned about my health or annoyed that I’ve wrecked everything.
I give her an evil glare. No, I’m not okay. What part of me looks okay?
Mum turns to the Festival of Christmas Light judge who’s still holding the hose. He looks like he’s in shock. He drops his clipboard.
‘Thanks for putting out my son,’ she says. ‘How did we do? Apart from the fire and blackout, I mean? And all the vomit. Tanya, grab a mop! I actually have a replacement set of boomers in the garage. Do you think we have a chance of winning?’
She looks hopeful.
The Tom Weekly books are super-fun to write. I love the cast of misfit characters that has developed over six books. I have many people to thank for their contributions. Firstly, my publisher Zoe Walton, editor Brandon VanOver and illustrator Gus Gordon, who contribute so much to the series. Thanks to Laura Harris, Dot Tonkin, Zoe Bechara, Tina Gumnior, Angela Duke and the rest of the team at Penguin Random House Australia, who help transport the books from my brain into kids’ hands. I’m forever grateful for the support of Jo Butler and Anthony Blair from Cameron’s. And the booksellers, teachers and parents who inspire kids to read.
A huge thanks to you, the readers! The story ‘Hostage’ was inspired by a comment about a guinea pig by a Year Six student at Gordon East Public School. I then developed the story by brainstorming it with kids in lots of different schools and festivals across Australia. I love allowing readers into the writing process. I try to include these ideas wherever possible, although some of them are too crazy even for Tom Weekly.
Here are the kids and schools who contributed to these brainstorm sessions in class and on Instagram: Bryce, Isaac, Georgie, Harry, Abbie, Daisy, Liadan, Dale the Whale, Charlotte, Max, Olivia, Tigist, Mercedes, Tabitha, Cameron, Edward, Tommy, Hugo, Ben, Alyssa, Jayden, Ashley, Corey, Nimna, Eliza, Alice, Noah, Zooey, Oscar, Andy, Jordan, Claire, Kayla, Abbey, Josie, Natalie, Tayla, Jakob, Emy, Aidan, Will, Cayley, WatchMeetMake, Ebi, Micky, Woody, Lucy, Lochie, Alaria, Cherry, Lilly, Hamish, Brett, Miro, Liam, Lucas and Talulah.
Thanks to the kids at Scotch Oakburn College Junior School, Launceston Church Grammar, St Thomas More’s Primary School, Varsity College, Sheldon College, St Pius X, Ambrose Treacy College, Churchie, Seaforth PS, Five Dock PS, Emmanuel Anglican College, Ballarat Grammar School, Greenacre PS, Riverbank PS, Grand Avenue SS, West Pennant Hills PS, Chipping Norton PS, Nuwarra PS, Our Lady Help of Christians Parish School, Newington College, Saint Stephen’s College year 6, The Gap SS, Boronia Heights SS, Yugumbir SS, Aitken College, St Catherine’s Wishart, Sholem Aleichem College, Shelford Girls’ Grammar, Leibler Yavneh College, Marymede Catholic College, Assisi Catholic College, Wilson’s Creek PS, Durrumbul PS, Empire Vale PS, Wyrallah PS, Ho
ly Family Catholic PS, Nimbin Central School, Cabbage Tree Island PS, Eureka PS, Bangalow PS, Alstonville PS, Crabbes Creek PS, Murwillumbah East PS, Joan of Arc Catholic PS, Woodburn PS, Broadwater PS, Uralla Central School, St Mary’s Catholic College, Brisbane Boys’ College, Oakhill College, Warrawee PS, Willoughby PS, Bardia PS, Jindalee SS and the kids at Byron Writers Festival’s Kids Big Day Out.
Thanks again to Millie, Jack, Hux, Luca, Gem, Cosmo, Iggy, Maggie, Sol, Bridie, Trinity, Lulu and Scarlett for ‘What Would You Rather Do?’ dreaming and to Jaron and Cody for their feedback on ‘Razorblade Fruitcake’. Thanks to Mrs Faulconbridge’s class for feedback on ‘Attack of the Killer Possums’ and to my friend Andrew for almost being eaten by possums and inspiring the story.
I can’t wait to take this book out in the world and share it with kids everywhere. I hope it inspires you to create your own stories. Your life is full of them.
Tristan Bancks is a children’s and teen author with a background in acting and filmmaking. His books include the Tom Weekly series, Mac Slater series and crime-mystery novels for middle-graders, including Two Wolves (On the Run in the US) and The Fall. Two Wolves won Honour Book in the 2015 Children’s Book Council of Australia Book of the Year Awards and was shortlisted for the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards. It also won the YABBA and KOALA Children’s Choice Awards. Tristan is a writer-ambassador for the literacy charity Room to Read. He is excited by travel, mountain biking, the future of storytelling and inspiring others to create. Visit Tristan at tristanbancks.com
Gus Gordon has written and illustrated over 70 books for children. He writes books about motorbike-riding stunt chickens, dogs that live in trees, and singing on rooftops in New York. His picture book Herman and Rosie was a 2013 CBCA Honour Book. Gus loves speaking to kids about illustration, character design and the desire to control a wiggly line. Visit Gus at gusgordon.com
The Tom Weekly series
My Life and Other Stuff I Made Up
My Life and Other Stuff that Went Wrong
My Life and Other Massive Mistakes
My Life and Other Exploding Chickens
My Life and Other Weaponised Muffins
My Life and Other Failed Experiments
Two Wolves
The Fall
The MacSlater series
MacSlater, Coolhunter
MacSlater, Imaginator
Tristan Bancks is a committed writer-ambassador for Room to Read, an innovative global non-profit that has impacted the lives of over ten million children in ten low-income countries through its Literacy and Girls’ Education programs. Room to Read is changing children’s lives in Bangladesh, Cambodia, India, Laos, Nepal, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Tanzania, Vietnam and Zambia – and you can help!
In 2012 Tristan started the Room to Read World Change Challenge in collaboration with Australian school children to build a school library in Siem Reap, Cambodia. Over the years since, Tristan, his fellow writer-ambassadors and kids in both Australia and Hong Kong have raised over $100,000 to fund children’s education in low-income countries.
For more information or to join this year’s World Change Challenge, visit tristanbancks.com/p/change-world.html, and to find out more about Room to Read, visit http://roomtoread.org.
A Random House book
Published by Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd
Level 3, 100 Pacific Highway, North Sydney NSW 2060
www.penguin.com.au
First published by Random House Australia in 2018
Text copyright © Tristan Bancks 2018
Illustration copyright © Gus Gordon 2018
The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia.
Addresses for the Penguin Random House group of companies can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
ISBN: 9780143781622
Cover and internal illustrations by Gus Gordon
Cover design by Astred Hicks, designcherry
Internal design by Benjamin Fairclough © Penguin Random House Australia, based on original series design by Astred Hicks, designcherry
Random House Australia uses papers that are natural, renewable and recyclable products and made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The logging and manufacturing processes are expected to conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
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My Life and Other Failed Experiments Page 8
