by J L Park
“Paige, I’ll see you after work. Have a good evening!” I called, as I made to leave for my duty. She leapt out from around a corner, planting a kiss on my lips, making me giggle.
“See you later! Love you!” she called, as I left.
“Reed, I need you to take a solo duty tonight - to check out the perimeters and a couple of older Ferox out that way. I’ve had a few sick calls, so I’m short tonight, or I’d send you with someone,” Samson called, as I signed in for work, "That okay?" as he handed my work sheet.
I glanced over it, it didn’t look too hard. “Sure thing, Sam. Have a good night.” I clipped my headset into place and set off for the outskirts of Ferox in the deepening darkness. I had never feared the dark, or I’d have been shaking in my boots until I got to the edge where there was more lighting.
“Mr. Saunders?” I called at one place I needed to check on, “It’s Reed from Ferox. How’s things?” as I wandered to the front room of his home.
He smiled at me from his lounge chair, his dinner on a small card table in front of him. “It’s good, Reed.”
“Can I help with anything before I lock up for you?”
He shook his head, biding me farewell as I left locking his house up tightly behind me. For the elderly in Ferox, we made sure they were healthy and safe before turning in for the night, so they were very used to us coming in and having a chat. Mr. Saunders was normally chatty unless you interrupted his meals. Like I had done.
Walking the perimeter was one of the more boring, but essential jobs. I wandered, daydreaming, as I monitored for strange activity or holes in the fencing. A small area at the base of the part I had just walked past caught my eye, and I knelt down to fix it, closing the gap. I moved to stand up and turn around and was shoved into the fence. Grunting, my breath escaped, as I tried to push back away from it. I couldn’t budge, a body behind me pressing hard against me. A hand covered my mouth and dragged me backwards. Finally able to breathe, I tried to stop whoever it was by planting my feet, but they were much stronger than I was. I couldn’t stop them from pulling me into the shadows, pulling me through a door, slamming it shut behind them as they threw me into a wall. Hands in the dark, grabbing at my jacket, pulling it off despite my protests, despite fighting against them as hard as I could. Another set of hands belonging to someone else I couldn’t see, and who’s voice I didn’t recognise, fumbled around in front of me, semi-successfully dodging my kicking feet. This could NOT be happening again.
“Grab her fucking legs,” a voice grunted from the darkness, not the guy behind me or in the way of my legs. Jesus, how many were there? I couldn’t see a thing, the room pitch black. Only hands, and grunting as they fumbled with my clothing, as I fought. My head slammed into the wall as I was turned around, pants removed roughly, someone pinning my legs as another came up behind me, running a hand over my bare legs, an involuntary shudder somehow mistaken by the owner of said hand as lust given what he did next. My body took over, allowing my mind to escape in the same way it had in the shed, just to allow me to get through. Suddenly becoming the good old Pius girl again, learning quickly that if I fought back, they just got rougher.
I woke on the floor, freezing, mostly naked, still in pitch black. I had no idea what else had happened, how long I’d been out or if I was alone. Drawing my knees up, I lay on my side trying to get warm. A familiar ache all over told me all I needed to know for now, as I lay there, trying not to cry. Sometime later the door opened, letting in daylight, accompanied by a large shadow, wearing what looked like night vision goggles, who slammed the door shut again, heading straight for me, dragging me into a standing position. I had a fair idea where this was going to end up. This time, he kept talking, slapping me if I didn’t at least acknowledge him speaking. He had his way and left, dropping me on the floor as he did. Shrinking back into the corner, I tried to make myself as small as I could. I could only hope that someone was looking for me, but I doubted they’d ever find me. I couldn’t believe it had come to this, again. Several men visited as they felt like it, a couple of them content just to beat me. I gave up trying to fight back whatever they happened to do, it just made them rougher, and there was only so much I could deal with at once. If they were trying to break me, I started to wonder if it was going to work. Beatings, sexual assault – how many times was this going to happen to me? Why did it have to happen to me? I shuddered – I wouldn’t have wished it on anyone else, but given I had nothing else to focus on, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for myself.
Pain in my arms, ribs, face – it hurt just to exist let alone move. If they visited, half the time they checked if I was still breathing, the sigh of relief when I was making their nervousness about what they were doing evident. Which actually gave me an idea.
The following visit, I finally fought back, finally found something within me to fight back with. Ignoring the pain in my body, I was standing when the next guy came in, meeting him in the dark, fists swinging, pushing him backwards towards the door he had just come in from. He managed to get a few decent swings in, my ribs breaking again under several of his blows. A final shove from him, and I tripped, landing awkwardly on my outstretched hand as he slammed the door. The crack in my arm barely audible over the clanging of the door, the rattling of the locks being engaged. I bit back a scream of pain, and rolled over to sit up, cradling my arm. Scooting backwards from the door, I wanted to be as far away from it as possible should another one come through in quick succession after the last one left bleeding with a most likely broken nose, unable to fight back with a broken arm. Finding the wall behind me finally, I sat cradling my arm, waiting for them to return, unsure what I would try to do this time, but feeling more like myself this time, rather than a shell of the Reed I had been on my way to becoming. They may be trying to break me, but this time, I wasn’t going to let them unless they killed me.
Days went by without a visit, for any reason. Which meant I hadn’t had any water or food as well as no beatings. Curled up in a ball, I was trying to escape in my mind, trying to stay warm and keep my mind off my hunger and pain when the door flew open. I didn’t even look up this time, assuming it was just another one of them coming back.
“Reed?” a familiar voice called from the doorway, getting closer and more urgent as they came further in, "Reed?! Oh my fucking god. Force, get Samson. We found her."
I looked up to find Ti crouching over me, careful not to touch me. Force had run off to grab Samson and returned picking up my discarded jacket from the floor - I’d not been able to find it in the dark. Ti laid it over me, care in her every move. Samson arrived next to her, carrying a blanket.
“Reed, it’s okay. You’re okay. Can you stand?”
I tried to shrug, and nodded, figuring I’d just have to try. He handed Ti the blanket, turning away as I tried to stand, wrapping the blanket around me, stumbling as I tried to take a step. Ti caught me, a gasp escaping me as she touched me. She made sure I was upright and safe and let go as quickly as she could. Walking myself to the door, I squinted at the bright sunlight. Force had called a car to come for us, and it was waiting outside the room. Samson and Ti helped me into the car, with Samson climbing back out, to lead the others through the rest of their duty, Ti looking after me until we got to the hospital. I was X-rayed, and any broken bones treated. My ribs were broken again as well as an arm. Ti had found a spare uniform for me to put on, instructed the car to take us to the dorm. We stumbled towards the large room where Paige, Ti and I lived in with several others. Ti coughed, as we rounded the corner, Paige pacing without looking up, her face drawn with worry, concentrating on the tablet in front of her, trying to figure out where to look next.
“Paige,” I croaked, my voice breaking as she looked up in shock,
“Reed! You’re okay!” she exclaimed, before realising I clearly wasn’t. She thanked Ti and let her leave. I squeezed her hand as she left, unable to acknowledge aloud what she’d done for me. Paige led me into my cubicle, sitting me on my b
ed. “Reed, thank god you’re alive… Honey, what happened?” I looked at her and burst into tears, finally safe enough to cry. I scrambled back on the bed when she tried to hug me. I knew deep down inside that the hurt that crossed her face wasn't from me, but the situation in general, but I couldn't help think it had hurt her. She sat, waiting for me to be ready to speak. Fiddling with the cast on my arm, I tried to figure out what to say to her.
“I couldn’t fight back.” I murmured, not even sure she’d hear me, as her head shot up, “They were too strong.”
A gentle hand closed over my uninjured hand, slowly enough I didn’t pull away, but I couldn’t look up either.
“Reed, whether you could have or not - it’s not your fault.” She lifted my head up, to make me look her in the eyes, “None of this is your fault.”
“How long?” I asked, not sure what day it even was anymore.
“A week.” I nodded, “You never came home, Samson called to say you hadn’t returned from duty, and he’d had to send you out on your own. He felt awful when we couldn’t find you that first night, and worse every day since.”
“He was there… today.”
She smiled, “I’m not surprised. I don’t think he’s slept. Fuck…” she muttered, her voice cracking, “I thought I’d lost you.”
I sat, watching her face, unsure what to say. I wasn’t sure that the same person who left the dorm a week ago was the one sitting in front of her, perhaps she had lost me, anyway. The silence started to make me feel awkward.
“I need a shower,” I stood, somewhat shaky, and fished around for a plastic bag to cover the cast. Slipping the too big uniform off, I climbed under the steaming water, standing in it, enjoying the force of the water on my back. Whilst it finally warmed me up, I still didn’t feel clean no matter how often I rinsed with soap. I knew, in the back of my mind, I was clean, but I had to keep scrubbing. If I stopped, my skin crawled. I shuddered, the hot water not warming me at all. Shrinking into the smallest ball I could, I crouched in the corner, facing away from the door. Hands over my ears, and head, I tried to escape the darkness I was in, despite the lights being on. In the distance, I could hear the door opening, but I couldn’t make myself turn towards it.
“Fuck,” Paige’s voice said in a whisper. I knew my back and sides were riddled with fist shaped bruises. A rumble as she pulled the towel off the rail and the shower turned off. Paige reached in, wrapping a towel around me, her hands on my shoulders, “Come on love, let’s get some warm clothes on you.”
She helped me to stand, leading me to my cubicle, helping me to get dressed. She’d seen me sway and figured I hadn’t eaten in days, so had been finding something warm to eat when she realised I’d been in the shower for a long time. Sitting me down on my bed again, she placed the bowl in front of me on the bedside table and sat down opposite me. Diving into the bowl of soup, I practically inhaled it. I was so hungry. After I finished, I finally looked up at her. The question she needed answers to written all over her face.
I swallowed, “Paige…”
“You don’t have to say anything love,” she smiled, “I’m just watching you eat.”
I frowned. She was an awful liar, the conflict in her difficult to hide. Her face asked so many questions without her ever having to open her mouth.
“Yes.”
She blinked, looking confused.
“To the questions you won’t ask - yes. Did I recognise them? No, I didn’t see them, it was that dark. I’d recognise their voices anywhere though. Did they…” My voice caught on the lump in my throat, her eyes filling with tears, “… yes. Was there more than one of them? Yes. Do I want to talk about it?… I don’t know if I can.” She let a tear run down her face, not reaching to wipe it away, “And I’m sorry.”
Turning in a few hours later, I struggled to get to sleep, plagued by nightmares, I hated the full dark. Paige found a small light for the corner of the room, creating a break in the darkness, helping chase away the memories. Checking before she did so, she climbed in next to me, throwing an arm over me and snuggled in. Feeling safer, I sighed and fell asleep.
They gave me a few days to recover, Samson refusing to have me on his team, refusing to allow me to work. Apparently, it had been ordered by Maddox, but he’d been nowhere near me to tell me in person. I hated not working, it gave me too much time to think, to dwell on the bruising and other pain. I paced the dormitory for hours at a time, fists clenching and unclenching so many times I had cramps in my fingers. Tempted beyond belief to find the knife I used to have hidden with my stuff that I hadn’t seen in some time. Hadn’t needed in some time. Every time the thought crossed my mind, I resumed pacing. Thoughts swirling, the darkness of my mind the only thing that seemed to remain, I knew if I picked up the knife, I wouldn't stop at just cutting lines into my stomach. And if I did that, then they’d win. After a few hours, pacing didn’t help, my shoulders burning with pain from the tension in my arms. Resorting to physical pain to numb all the others, I forced myself to do hundreds of sit-ups, push ups being preferred but impossible with the cast on my arm.
I wasn’t being held hostage in the dormitory, I was welcome to leave, to get out into the sunshine. Every time I tried, something stopped me. A seed of doubt in the pit of my stomach, clawing at my insides, screaming silently in my head. I didn’t want to be alone out in the city. Afraid of the shadows, afraid of the unknown stranger walking towards me, and definitely the ones walking behind me. Unbecoming of a Ferox, fear held me hostage, just as they had. I stumbled in my pacing as I realised they were winning, they’d broken me. Finally, someone had broken me beyond repair. My knees buckled as I lowered myself to the ground. The pride I had in being strong, in not letting Walker win, in not letting my past hold me back and those arseholes had broken me.
Paige found me sitting in the corner of my cubicle, arms around my knees, head resting on the same. Announcing herself before she stroked my hair, she sat in silence until I looked up, eyes red and swollen, and my hands trembling when I lifted them up.
“Reed,” she murmured, concern sparkling in her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes, holding so much pain of her own, now holding more for me than she should.
“Paige,” I croaked.
“You okay?”
I shook my head, wiping at my face. “They broke me, Paige. They fucking broke me.” Voice breaking as I whispered it aloud for the first time.
She reached down, cupping my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her. “No, they didn’t. You are still here. You are still strong. You are still beautiful. You’re still as stroppy as you’ve ever been.”
I shook my head as much as I could with her holding my face. “I can’t even leave the dorm, how is that not broken?”
“You’re still here. You are strong. And we will get through this. You will get through this.” A small frown creased her brow as her eyes strayed over my hands, which unknown to me, I was moving in a rhythmic pattern she recognised, “Reed, tell me you haven’t hurt yourself?”
I looked at my hands, still moving as though they were itching to hold the knife, and rubbed them on my knees, trying to get them to stop. “No.”
“No, you haven’t? Or no, you can’t tell me you haven’t?”
“No, I haven’t.”
She allowed a relieved sigh to escape her, “See, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You haven’t resorted to your old fall back, of hurting yourself.”
I shook my head, unable to make eye contact. “You’re wrong there.” I felt her stiffen next to me as I continued, “I haven’t allowed myself to resort to that, even though I wish I could. I’ve paced these floors for hours to stop myself.”
“Then, I’m not wrong. You’re beating them, and your older demons.”
I looked up, locking eyes with her before I continued. “No, I’m not allowing myself because I don’t think I’d stop.” Another frown, “Until it was over, I don’t think I’d stop.”
She nodded, stifling
a sob when she realised what I meant. Silence followed as she stroked my hair, unable to speak the thoughts I could see running through her head.
“I understand,” she murmured, unable to look me in the eye, “Just know, I understand.” She pulled me up onto the bed, shuffling in behind me, an arm thrown over as she squeezed me harder than usual before we fell asleep.
Startled awake the next day by a banging at the door. Paige patted my shoulder as she got up to see who it was.
“Maddox, Sir. How can I help you?”
“I hear Reed was found the other day.”
“Yes.”
“I need to see her.”
“I’ll check with her.” She poked her head in the door way of my cubicle, eyebrows raised in a question. I nodded, and climbed out of bed, pulling my hair up into a pony tail. Maddox would not get me at my best, a t-shirt and loose pants was all I could manage this morning.
“Maddox.” I stood in the door way, watching him pace the lounge, spinning around when I spoke.
“Reed. Good to see you in one piece.” I grunted, not in the mood to be polite. “I ah…. when can you come back to work?” I glanced at Paige who stood, mouth gaping at the question, indignant.
“When do you need me?”
“Tonight?”
I waved my hand at Paige who was about to get herself into trouble. “Okay.”
“As long as she’s not out on her damn own…” Paige muttered, “Fuck it, do you need me tonight as well?”
“N… okay?”
“Good. I’m on her team, and there is NOTHING you can do to change that,” she spat.
I allowed a small smile to cross my face.
“Paige… I don’t need protecting, but thank you. I need to just get back into it.” I murmured, “I’ll see you tonight, Maddox.”
Turning up for duty that night, I tried to ignore the whispers and funny looks. Samson looked stricken with guilt, and that wasn’t something he needed to feel, so before leaving with Paige to head out to a section of Arator, I walked over to him.
