80
SAM
I stood at my old front door on Harvist Road with Claudia, waiting to be buzzed up. It was the first time I’d stood there without my own key to get in. It was also Mara’s birthday, to which I hadn’t been invited.
‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I asked Claudia for the tenth time. Claudia ignored me. Since she’d hooked up with John she had become steadily more and more happy. And even more confident, if that was possible. And having my friend back on form, with her lion heart on her sleeve, made me realise how subdued having the STI had made her. In fact, it was her telling me all about that episode that meant I was standing here at Mara’s door. I couldn’t say no to her, not after being such a monstrously bad friend when she’d needed me.
I had a different key in my pocket now, one that fitted into the front door of a flat in Kilburn with a friend of Vic’s. It didn’t have park views but it wasn’t far from here. I’d be able to visit for tea . . . if Mara would have me. I crossed my fingers as we waited.
We were buzzed in, up the narrow stairs, which smelled the same – like potatoes (I would never know why) – and then we were at the door. There was Mara, coming down the hall to answer it, expecting just Claudia, and getting—
‘Oh!’
We all stood there for a beat.
Then Claudia swept in. ‘I’ve had enough of this. I need my best friends to be best friends again, so sort it out. Oh, and happy birthday, Mara.’ She landed a big smacker on Mara’s cheek and disappeared down the hall to the kitchen, greeting Ed with a loud holler.
I stood awkwardly and then remembered my present, passing it to Mara just as Mara remembered to close the door, so I ended up thrusting the present into Mara’s shoulder.
‘Sorry!’ we said at the same time and burst out laughing. I stepped towards her and gave her a big hug, and Mara hugged me back, at double the strength.
‘Let’s not break up again,’ I said as we drew apart.
‘Promise not to lose the kids?’
‘Promise.’
‘Promise to pay back what you owe me?’
‘It’s in my wallet.’
Mara smiled. ‘OK, what do you want me to promise?’ She paused. ‘How about I promise not to give you a hard time about Charlie?’
‘That’ll be easy because I’m over him.’
Mara raised her eyebrows. God, it was good to see those eyebrows. I almost hugged her again.
‘I know something’s been going on but no one is telling me a thing.’
‘I found out he’s been sleeping with Lucy and Rebecca and I dumped him – well, so did Lucy actually – but great, huh?’
‘Great? That sounds awful!’ Mara’s face was clouded with concern.
‘No, Charlie and Rebecca deserve each other. It’s called social justice, Mara. Each getting what they need.’
‘What?’
‘Mara, have I got a story for you.’ I linked arms with her and walked the few paces to the kitchen.
‘And I’ve got the drinks to go with the telling!’ Claudia called as we entered the warm kitchen, alive with the sounds of Ella Fitzgerald, saucepans bubbling and bottles uncorking.
Ed turned as we walked in the door and met my eye. I caught my breath and felt a cold tingling all over my chest, like I was missing layers. Not layers of clothes but invisible barriers. I felt peeled back, fragile and open.
‘Surprise!’ I said.
And then the doorbell went again and in came a broad-chested blonde man, his slightly nervous smile at odds with his patently rock-solid character, and he presented flowers to Mara without a trace of guile then wrapped his big arms around Claudia as if he hadn’t seen her in months. I caught Mara’s eye and grinning we both turned to Claudia and gave her a thumbs up.
‘I know!’ Claudia shrieked, while John looked at her like she’d just said something earth-shattering.
Kate arrived next, with Luke and Rosie running ahead of her.
‘Nanty Sam!’ they chorused and ran straight into my arms. They wanted to see me, stupid children-losing me.
‘Nanty?’ I said.
‘Rosie made it up. It’s because she can’t say aunty.’
‘Nanty Sam.’
‘But I’m not—’
I didn’t finish what I was going to say; I just had to give them another big hug each. They let me squeeze them for about two seconds and then wriggled off to find George.
Behind Kate came the sound of two men’s voices rumbling in the jolly conversation of two people who don’t know each other yet. First to squeeze into the already crowded kitchen was Ben, who was as short and lean as Claudia’s John was buff, with big brown eyes as kind as Kate’s. Following him in was the Minkleys’ dad himself, out of his cardi and slippers and, more importantly, out of his house. Kate had the silliest smile on her face, and when Luke and Rosie had finished their tour of the adults, Rosie returned to Ben and took hold of his hand in a firm grasp.
We were all there and when the doorbell went again none of us registered it properly the first time, so it buzzed and buzzed and buzzed. I wasn’t in the kitchen and didn’t hear the voice on the intercom so I only saw Rebecca when she was standing in the hallway, hanging back from the door into the sitting room, where I was.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked her. ‘And, Mara, are you sure you want this person in your house?’ I strode over to see her out. Like hell was she going to come and ruin this day. But when I reached her I was shocked by how she looked. She was as white as the walls in Claudia’s apartment, her red-rimmed eyes looking at me pathetically. No minx-like smirk, no make-up, not much of anything at all.
‘Your mum dropped her off. She’s coming back in half an hour to pick her up again. She insisted I bring her in. Apparently she’s here to speak to you.’
‘Well, I don’t want to—’ But Mara cut me off and pushed the tart into the sitting room with me while Claudia vacated it. She even shut the door! Where was the support now? I wanted to know! They knew how I felt about her, how much hurt she’d caused.
I sat down and folded my arms. I wasn’t going to make it easy for her.
‘I’ve come to apologise,’ she said in the tiniest voice she’d ever used. It sounded like the whisper of a rat.
‘Sorry? I can’t hear you.’
‘I’ve come to apologise, I said,’ she said again.
‘Good for you. Are you hoping it will make you feel better, you fucking bitch?’
Rebecca flinched.
‘Actually I want you to feel better,’ she whispered.
‘Sure you do,’ I said.
‘I’m not sleeping with him.’
‘Get bored of you, did he?’
Rebecca coughed a brittle laugh. ‘He’s never been interested in me. We’ve never slept together, not even kissed.’
‘Yeah right.’
‘It’s true!’ Rebecca looked at me earnestly and I could see she thought she was telling the truth.
‘I find it hard to believe you, Rebecca. People have seen you with him.’
‘I know, Claudia told me.’
‘What?’ Now I was confused. I thought Claudia was my friend.
‘She bawled me out about it yesterday to get the story straight. Don’t worry – she was bloody awful to me. She was only doing it so she could be a friend to you about this mess.’
Rebecca fiddled with a loose thread on the chair arm.
‘It’s some big mess, that’s for sure – no thanks to you,’ I said.
‘Well, can you please give me the chance to tell my side of the story?’ she pleaded.
I sighed. I had nothing more to lose and I supposed listening to her crap couldn’t make anything worse.
‘You’re right in thinking I like Charlie. In fact it would be safe to say I’m more than a little obsessed with him. I’ve liked him for a long time, long before you bumped into him a couple of months ago. It’s been more than a year now and it’s the most painful feeling I’ve had in my life.�
��
So far, so believable.
‘The worse bit of it is that he has never, ever expressed any interest in me whatsoever. He’s very charming and friendly, of course, like he is with all of his friends but he just sees me as a little girl – the little girl that I am.’
A tear slid down the side of her face but she kept going. ‘I’ve tried so hard to get him to like me like that – and nothing. And then you turn up and he just skips off – while seeing another woman – into your arms for a good time. It’s so unfair.’ Her last words came out ragged and angry.
‘But Claudia saw you having lunch with him!’ I interjected.
‘No, Claudia saw me waiting to have lunch with him, and his friend that I’m – was – seeing. He would never ever meet me for lunch or a drink on my own, Sam. I would never dream of asking him, either – I wouldn’t be able to bear the shame of him fobbing me off.’
‘And the man Claudia heard you giggling at on the phone?’
‘Charlie’s friend.’
‘What’s his name?’
Rebecca looked at me, totally resigned and broken. ‘It doesn’t matter, just one of his friends, the one who was the easiest catch. It was my last attempt at getting his attention. He was awful, anyway, rough and boorish.’
Another tear slid down her face and I knew without being told that she had suffered at the hands of whoever this man was, and I felt sad for her.
‘So you’re telling me I’ve got it all wrong, that you were never seeing him?’
‘Yes, you had everything, as usual, all along, Sam.’
‘What do you mean by that? I had everything? What a load of bollocks! All I’ve had in the past few weeks is embarrassment and heartbreak!’ God, she was so twisted. I really did feel for her for a minute, and then she said such awkward, uncaring things.
She looked at me and sighed. ‘You do have everything I’ve ever wanted, Sam. You’ve got real friends who care about you, you’re sexy, you’re brave, you’ve got a fun job, you’re carefree. You get on with life with a smile on your face.’
She looked at me with tears now falling uninterrupted down her cheeks. ‘And the most genuine man I’ve ever met thinks you’re the bee’s knees!’
‘Who?’
She sniffed noisily but didn’t say anything and in an instant a chill spread through my chest again as I realised who she was talking about. I stared out the window for a bit, not seeing the bare tops of the trees in the park. My head was full of questions and running ahead imagining a future with real happiness, with someone who could be relied on, with friends who love me so much they will forgive me being totally useless . . . with a sister who actually does have emotions after all.
‘Why are you so nasty to me then?’ I asked her.
‘I don’t know! Because I’m a strange, cold bitch! Because I want to have some of your playfulness and don’t know how to do it, and it ends up coming out all wrong, all twisted up. Fuck! I don’t know but I do know I can’t bear having you hate me!’
There was only one thing to do then. I moved over and knelt by this strange, cold bitch of a sister of mine and put my arms around her, pulling her in for a hard, teary hug.
‘Come here, you crazy woman,’ I said.
81
MARA
There was so much going on that evening that for quite a long time I completely forgot about Covington. Quite why someone would go home to the States via London was beyond me but Ed had assured me that he had a healthy trust fund to back him up. More importantly, he’d said, he was a good friend and he wanted to meet us all. Especially me. It didn’t make any sense but I couldn’t help but feel quietly thrilled.
‘I really don’t understand Covington’s interest in me,’ I’d said to Ed, quite possibly repeating myself.
‘You can call him Cov, you know, Mars.’ Ed had looked at me with amusement.
‘I think if you’re blessed with such a grand name, you should use it.’
Ed’s mouth twitched. ‘Well, that’ll be up to you.’
I tried to imagine some American coming to see us. A man who had set up several projects in India, including improving access to clean water for hundreds of people and embedding micro-finance schemes. He was a voracious reader. And I had to admit, going by Ed’s photographs, he wasn’t bad-looking at all. From the little I knew about him he sounded nothing like the self-absorbed depressive that Mark was. The little I knew about him made him sound quite close to being a saint.
‘But why me? Why would he be interested in this boring librarian?’
‘Come on, Mara, I’ve told you already. He’s heard a lot about you and thinks you sound pretty amazing.’
‘And based on a few conversations had in an exotic location he’s going to spend hundreds of pounds more than he needs to and stop over here on his way home?’ I’d asked.
‘He’s probably got a round-the-world ticket or something, Mars.’ He’d sighed, frustrated with my sharp tone. ‘You’re talking as if our friendship is worth less because we met travelling. Like it’s some flimsy thing that won’t last. We got on really well, you know. He’s one of the people I’ve met who gets me the best in the world.’
I looked at him hard but he was undeterred.
‘You of all people should understand that, Mara. What about Claudia and Sam – you met them travelling and look at them, they’re family now, right?’
‘But that’s different,’ I said.
‘How, exactly?’ he asked.
I scowled at him and he put his arm around me, and his kindness made me feel fragile.
‘Could it be that you’re happy to share your friends with me but not as happy to share me with my friends, Mars?’
I tried to unpick what I was feeling. I knew in my heart he’d hit on the truth but I couldn’t logically make it all line up in my head. He had been speaking about this Covington character a lot since he’d come home. Could it be that I’d been feeling jealous of Covington as well as worried about Sam? Perhaps blaming everything that’s seemed wrong in the past few weeks on Sam had been unfair of me.
‘You know, I reckon you two are going to have a lot in common,’ Ed said.
So when the doorbell went for what felt like the fiftieth time that evening, I wasn’t sure whom to expect. It wasn’t until I saw the shadowy figure of a man with a large rucksack behind the frosted glass that I twigged.
I opened the door.
‘Hello, is this—’
He was the most beautiful man ever to stand at my door, with warm, intelligent eyes full of truth and a drawing of a bicycle on his T-shirt and—
‘Oh, don’t tell me, you must be Mara.’
‘I— sorry, I’m so rude, please come in—’
‘Thank you, I’ve heard so much about you, Mara,’ he said as he passed by me, so close, in the narrow hallway, and I placed my hand on the wall behind me and inhaled deeply to try steadying myself. Maybe Ed was right; maybe this Covington creature and I would have a lot in common. I hoped with all my heart that we would.
82
ED
After Rebecca had been picked up I watched Sam all night, laughing with Mara, with Kate, with Claudia and with John. She chatted with Dad for ages, asking him lots of questions about his time in the navy, before the wife and kids came along, and he couldn’t have looked happier if he’d tried. She seemed to be making a point of not looking my way, although when Cov turned up she stared at me pointedly, her eyes flicking to Mara. ‘Could he be any more perfect for her?’ she was saying. ‘I know!’ I stared back and felt sky high. But she never sat with me or leant against the kitchen counter alongside me, like I hoped she would. Not until all the food was gone and everyone was piled into the sitting room did she come and find me. I was outside. Ever since working in Scotland, I’d got into the habit of spending a few moments outside at night. Of course Queen’s Park at night didn’t come close to the in-your-face vitality of the Highlands but after ten o’clock most people were at home and it was much quie
ter. I couldn’t wait for Katherine’s project to begin. She’d called me through the week. Yes, please, I’d said. More time in Scotland and ten weeks away from London on a job with Sam. Definitely.
‘They’re lovely, aren’t they?’ she said at my arm.
I turned, heart racing. Finally! Then I chided myself – must keep cool, must keep cool.
‘What are?’
‘The trees. I’m going to miss that park.’
‘You should have bought two,’ I said.
‘Two what?’
‘Two of those prints, the one you gave Mara. Didn’t it remind you of these trees?’
‘How did you know?’
I shrugged and looked at her cute round face, her frizzy hair all crinkly and golden under the street light, and I wondered why I hadn’t noticed the faint sprinkling of freckles over the bridge of her nose before.
‘So . . .’ She looked at me, cheeky and open and complicated and really very simple all at once and my whole body ached with how much I wanted to take her into my arms right there and kiss her like the mad dog I felt. But I wouldn’t. Not yet. She had to be completely Charlie-free. I couldn’t bear her chasing any part of him, even the whiff of his smart cologne in her mind. No, I would wait, just a little bit longer.
‘So?’ I answered, and looked out at the park again. I sensed her smiling and felt her lean her head on the side of my arm, and I smiled at the bare trees as they waved at us from across the street.
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