My foot rapidly tapped the floor and my leg jiggled the bed.
“I know you’re a strong woman." Jenise grabbed my wrist, subtly acknowledging my nervousness. "I cherish that part of you. He’s had an effect. A softer side seems to be coming through."
I started to dispute her. I never wanted to be seen as weak.
"Now before you get huffy, I don’t mean you need to be soft to be a woman," she elbowed me in the ribs. "It's just that in the past you weren't easy to reason with. Once you made up your mind there wasn't any changing it. You’re approachable now. Pretty fucking great.”
I had to admit; I did feel something inside me turning over. It was as if my inner core had been covered in layers and as they dropped, someone new was exposed. Having my sister in my corner to recognize and validate my feelings felt damn good.
“Why I came to you in the first place, Ryan invited me to a fancy dinner tomorrow. I need a knockout dress and your help with a couple of other pieces. I don’t know where to begin and—Ooh! Let me show you what I got when I was in LA! I have gifts! Plus, I've got your clothes to give back to you, too.”
"Are they clean? You know . . . no sex residue?" she cackled.
"No! Geez." I went to my closet and took out the suit, dress, purse, and shoes I got in LA as well as the extra goodies given to me by the designers and their assistants. When she saw the labels, her eyes got wide.
“Wow! They’re beautiful, you lucky girl!" She put the lipstick on, sprayed the perfume and tried on the makeup. "Can Alex hook me up? Chanel! Can I borrow this purse?”
“It’s yours.”
“Which?”
“All of it; except my suit, dress, sunglasses, and leather folio. You can have the ankle boots, too.” I picked the boots off the floor and put them on her lap. “And take one of the scarves. There. Now we're even."
"How? This is so much stuff!"
"Because . . . well, your bra. I ruined it." I took it from the pocket of her silk pants. "Look. The hooks are toast."
"I knew your boobs were too big for that bra. Or was it Ryan?"
"One hundred per cent me." Once again I was embarrassed about my body. "You like the make up?"
“Yeah! This is designer stuff—very expensive, and very cool of you. Thanks—wait. You want a sexy dress for dinner with Ryan? Didn’t you dress last night so you wouldn’t be sexy?”
“I still don’t want a dress that shows boobs or ass, but I do want him to do a double take—maybe a triple take,” I joked. “I guess some skin needs to show. As little as possible, okay?”
“So, how was sex with your sweetie?” She folded her arms, ready to hear a juicy story.
“We didn’t have any.”
She looked at me as if I were crazy.
“You’ve spent another night in bed with him, and—you’re kidding me! You had sex with him, didn’t you?”
“No.”
“No, as in you didn’t spend a night in bed with him?”
“No, as in no sex." I turned away from her. "Why is it so unbelievable?”
“It’s just, you’re two very passionate people—at least you seem to be. How did you resist his body? Shit, how did he resist those tits and that ass of yours?”
“Let me get this straight. Because we haven’t had sex it means we don’t care about each other?” I was shaken by her comment.
“No, it doesn't mean that at all. You’ve slept in the same bed twice—you're telling me both times you only made out? I can’t imagine someone like him—"
“We kissed,” I interjected. “He kissed—"
“Tell! Now we're getting to the juice!”
“He kissed my inner thighs. I thought I might get his face wet!" My thumb rubbed across my cellphone where Ryan's picture had been moments ago. "When he took off my panties he made a point to tell me they were wet and I about died.”
“I bet he loved that! Did he put his mouth on Miss Puss?” She seemed barely able to contain herself.
“No, but his forehead brushed my hair down there. We had the lights out. He didn’t see me.”
“You don't wax?"
"Why should I?"
"Um, you'll find out soon enough. By the way, when you do? Ask for a landing strip," she laughed.
"What's—"
"I'll show you later. Anyway, damn, Nick! For that man to restrain himself and let you lie next to him naked, I'm not sure you understand how serious he is. Wasn't his waving schlong trying to enter your wet lady? He didn't even ask or try to put it in?"
I completely turned around so she couldn't see my utter and total embarrassment.
"Ah! I hit something! Tell!" she pressed.
“This morning I had my legs open around his hips and his penis was right there. One push and that would have been it!" My eyes were wide open. “And for your information, I’m the one who wanted to lie naked with him.”
“He’s pretty intense, isn’t he?” She grabbed her hair and pulled each side up as if in ponytails. “Why didn’t you let him bring you to orgasm with his tongue?”
“Too early for that."
“Oh, fuck no! It’s never too early for a tongue bath! Come on. Let that man on and in your body.” Jenise was like a cheerleader with invisible pompoms.
“I didn’t have that um, that dental dam and—”
“Oh, yeah?” She cracked up. “If you had one, you’d have said, 'here's my dental dam, Ryan. Now get to work’?”
“No. God, you’re intense just like he is, Sis.”
“You must’ve felt him. He was standing at attention, wasn’t he?” Her face was alive with delight.
“We were standing on the deck together, watching the sunset.”
“No, I mean wasn’t his dick hard?” She held an erect finger near her stomach.
“Yes! Shut up!”
“Well?”
“Yes.”
"So you were naked, you felt it now, right?" She continued.
"Yes."
"Is he as big as you suspected?"
"I don't know." I don't want to talk about it.
“Yes you do. Don't be so tightly wound and afraid of intimacy,” she accused. "You can't even stand to talk about it."
I’ve been trying to tell you that. How can I be intimate when it means giving in? Isn’t that what Mom did?
“No! I can't. Happy? Just drop it,” I argued. “Besides, Ryan and I have already been more intimate than a lot of couples at this stage, so don’t judge us.”
“Ooh, so defensive, little sissy. You. Are. Most. Definitely. In love.” The smile soon faded and she became serious. “I’m not kidding when I say this, so listen to me. Trust me, okay?”
Trust? How do you do that?
“Okay.”
“You haven't fully admitted your feelings. I get it. But if you take him for granted, you may never get anyone like him again. I’m telling you, please grab him like he’s trying to grab you. Otherwise? It may be a few weeks, months or maybe it will take years for you to realize it. You’ll regret it. Believe me, he’ll move on with another woman if you don't open up. He loves you now, but he won’t wait long. No one can tell another person they love them without hearing the words said back to them.”
Just then, there was a loud bang on her bedroom door. It was loud and the wood sounded like it had cracked.
We looked at each other.
We knew it was dad, stumbling down the hallway drunk.
"God." I shook my head.
"He's drinking early today," Jenise whispered.
"I'm afraid it's getting close at his job. Please give Ryan a little more time. It needs to be done carefully, and if we confront him, Dad could reverse in denial and everything will be blown."
"Well, there's nothing we can do, I guess, so we'll have to trust that Ryan knows what he's doing."
"When I spoke with Sid Freeman it seemed as if things were in motion, so . . ."
"Back to Ryan."
“Yeah.” I shrugged my shoulders in defiance. "Who kn
ows? Maybe if I told him I can't commit I'd save myself from being hurt. He has a reputation, after all."
“Bullshit. I hate that fucking reputation stuff. Sex is just that. It's not wrong. He's single. For a while I had a reputation, too. What about that?" Her jaw stiffened in defiance.
"I didn't mean—"
"Just picture him kissing someone else while you’re cheering. Or you watch him walk up to another woman. He flirts with her and gives her a wink. What if he takes her hand and kisses it?”
“Stop!" I snapped. "I hate what you’re saying!”
“Then shout your feelings! Grab him! He's waiting for you to do it! Maybe I’ll call him for you and tell him before you blow it.”
Would you, please?
“I’m messed up, just like Alex said. She believes we’re all damaged because of our family trauma. Maybe I'll never be ready.”
“Well, maybe we are damaged,” Jenise mused, and by the smirk on her face was in full agreement. “But I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and so do you. So use it. Understand?”
“I feel funky now about all this." I frowned. “Can you go with me today or what?”
“Sure, I’ll go. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. You know I'd never do that on purpose, don't you?"
"I guess." I pouted.
"Come on." She nudged my shoulder. "Don't you?"
"Yes, I do."
"I’m only trying to be honest with you because I’ve been through some things. I can see how special Ryan is to you and I don’t want you to send him away because you're afraid to take a chance. We all have fears, but at some point you've got to stake your claim. Loving someone isn’t a sin, Nick. Neither is consensual sex. And by the way, we’re all damaged. That’s just life. We straighten ourselves out the best we can. I work on myself all the time. I don’t think we’re ever done, you know?”
“I guess so. Would it be okay if we left in an hour?”
“I’ll start getting ready. I have a new designer purse to bring with me!" She held it to her chest. "Be careful going out the door. Let me know if he cracked it. He fell pretty hard."
I got up and opened her door, examined it, and didn't see any obvious damage. After I went back to my room, I couldn’t help but obsess about the conversation with my sister. I felt odd. Was my relationship with Ryan valid without sex? I had to call him.
“Hi, sweetness, what’s up?”
Oh, you make me feel so, so lovely.
“Are you out with Chris and Frances yet?”
“I’m on my way to meet them now. How can I help you, Ms. Young?”
“Do we have a relationship if we're not having sex?” I blurted. “I told my sister about our evening and she thought it was weird that we didn’t, you know, have it.”
“Have it?” He teased, sensuality woven through his voice.
I can just visualize the smile on your face.
“You know what I mean."
"Of course we have a relationship." A cable car bell rang in the background.
"You shouldn't be driving and talking on your phone," I reprimanded.
"Will you punish me for being bad?"
Silence.
"Kidding! Just kidding, Nicky," he laughed. "Don't hang up!"
I let out a deep sigh of relief.
"I have hands free, babe. My cell is synced to the phone in my vehicle, so you don't have to worry about your man."
"That wasn't nice."
"But it was wicked fun."
"Anyway . . ." What a bad, bad, boy you are, Mr. Tilton. "I didn’t think about us being weird until I talked with her. We were naked, but sex wasn’t the reason I wanted to be naked with you. I didn't give you mixed signals, did I?" When he didn't answer, I quickly continued. "Am I strange to be with?”
“Oh, sweetheart, your innocence—"
“I’m sorry; I know I’m a pain.”
“You’re maddening, wonderful, frustrating, and lovely. Baby, you’re anything but weird—at least in a bad way. The only pain you cause me?"
"Am I damaging your reputation?" I changed the subject before he started talking sexy. I wasn't going to see him that day and didn't want to spiral into lust so soon.
"My reputation?"
"Your wild boy rep," I exhaled.
"That's all bullshit. You know my feelings; it's only about you and me. Anyone else forms an opinion? None of their business."
"How can you be so patient when you've never been?"
"I'm not out of control."
"Hormonal urges are pretty powerful, though, and you've been with lots of women. And they're all after you. Tabitha, for one."
“Honey, I'm almost twenty-six. My hormones aren't raging. Yours, on the other hand . . . I'd love to soothe them."
"Yeah, well I—"
"We’ll find out soon enough what makes each of us at ease," he interrupted at just the right time. "When two people are serious about each other, they push gently to the next level. I’m certainly enjoying the parts of you as you’re revealing them to me."
"I worry I'm not revealing them fast enough." I flipped positions on my sofa and held my toy bunny, Mr. Blackberry.
“I do want sex with you—God, Nicky, I want it. I believe the right moment will arrive for us. When you’re ready and I'm ready, I hope we’ll both know it.”
“I don’t know why it’s taking me so long. I hope you don't get tired of waiting for me. My sister thinks I’m in danger of letting you slip away. What if I'm so phobic about sex that I can’t give in the way you want?”
“I guess if I’m being honest, you do scare me.”
“Why?" What? "I can't believe you said that.” I switched my phone to the other ear.
“I'm afraid you won’t be able to enjoy me in a physical sense the way I hope you will, or your walls stay up and you shut me out. Or the opposite might happen—you use me to get your confidence with sex and leave. You keep warning that you’re gone in January. It doesn't feel good to hear that.”
“I’m sorry. Until you just repeated it back to me, I never realized how bad it sounded. I didn’t mean to be threatening. That’s my fear talking."
“I tell myself that, but you're still intimidating." There was sudden commotion in the background. "Hang on." A minute later he was back on phone.
"What happened?"
"Police car siren. I muted you so it wouldn't blare in your ear. I’m trying hard to make you feel so secure and loved that your strong fortress will weaken. It’s another kind of strength to be patient and talk things through. Do you believe me?”
“Yes.”
“Nicky?” Ryan had a little hint of mischief in his voice.
“Yeah?” I closed my eyes. Something sexy is coming I just know it. I'm going to squirm all day long from what he says.
“When we begin the physical part of our relationship, you’ve got a lot of love coming.”
Oh, my throat—it’s closing up again. I'm sure I have asthma. I'd better make an appointment with the doctor.
“Nicky?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you still afraid of being with me?” Ryan asked.
“Sometimes I am. The conversations we have, the kissing, it’s all so good. I’m afraid it’s only a bubble waiting to pop.” Just like every other bubble in my life. “I’m afraid your magic will just sweep me away. I don’t want everything I’ve worked toward to disappear. Regardless of what happens, I don’t want either of us to be afraid.”
“I don’t either. I won’t leave you just because you’re not ready for intercourse. As far as my experiences, my past isn't important because I've been with a certain number of women. It's that it brought me to you."
“How come you’re attracted to me, Ryan? I mean, really. Be honest and tell me.”
“Your kindness and the way you have so much hope about people and what could be, your views on life . . . I feel like anything is possible when loving you. You've touched me in ways I've never been.” He took a deep breath. “I watched you f
or weeks in the bleachers. Your gentle way . . . I haven’t ever seen in anyone. You have a light and it's all around you. To me, everything I once hoped for when I was just a boy is possible with you. It’s like I still have my childhood in front of me when we’re together.”
"Speaking of, Mr. Blackberry is sitting with me and says hello. And I just told him I’m going to buy a hot dress for our date tomorrow.” I changed the subject before he pushed me to say, I love you. When I finally said the words, I wanted to say them boldly and not hesitate or pause. "He's very excited about it."
He opened his heart and was vulnerable. You ignored him.
“You’re kidding—a hot dress—you?”
“Jenise is helping me pick it out. You’re taking me somewhere I can wear a nice dress, I hope. Remember last year when I talked about going to that hamburger joint in St. Helena? We're not going for burgers, are we? I mean, it's okay, but I don't want to wear the dress I'm thinking of buying for hamburgers."
“Your sister.” His voice was gentle, as if beginning a nice thought about her, but then he went into a laughing fit. "Hamburger joint—yeah, I remember that sweet girl who suggested we go there. I already told you we'd go somewhere nice, silly. Anyway,” he laughed again, “what I started to say is that your sister is next on my list. I’d like to invite her and her boyfriend to go out with us.”
“Maybe they can come with us tomorrow night?” I asked.
“Tomorrow, I’m going to dazzle only you, my baby.”
“You already do. God bless America, do you ever.”
“Uh-huh, I know.”
“And you’re so humble,” I kidded. “I know you’ve got to go. Thanks for talking with me. I’m trying to understand, but I’m questioning moral and spiritual beliefs that have been a part of me for a long time. I know it’s difficult for you to be patient, but I haven't decided about having sex before marriage.
“My friends are having it,” I tried to give him as much insight as I could. “So is my sister. It’s not that I think any less of anyone having sex or that it’s wrong or dirty, but I’m still confused about that part of our relationship. I’m weird, I know.”
“I wish more people were weird like you. Call me whenever you want,” he offered. “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”
“Ryan!” I called out to him again, wanting to stay connected for another moment.
Fire Heart (Broken Bottle Series Book 2) Page 23
