by Lindsey Hart
CHAPTER 16
Asha
That night Colton showed up at Asha’s door. He didn't bother to knock but walked right into the living room where Asha was spinning wool. He scared the living day lights out of her and she wondered that she had been so lost in thought she hadn't heard him enter.
She froze, her hands still, the wool forgotten. His hands, warm and strong and sure settled on her shoulders where he kneaded the knots from them. After a minute, Asha relaxed into his touch.
“How’s your shoulder holding up?” Asha asked. She breathed in and scented the smell of the wind and the hay and the outdoors. The ever present scent of diesel fumes and oil lingered sweetly on his clothing or engrained in the cracks of his palms. God, I’ll miss that scent.
He mumbled something in response that Asha took to mean it was fine. He continued the massage, as steady and gentle as ever. She didn’t protest until he lifted her hair and kissed the back of her neck. She couldn’t let him continue, thinking that everything was alright when inside she was a mess.
“Colt… I need to talk to you.” Her voice wavered, the uncertainty she felt glaringly apparent.
He sensed what she was going to say and he hesitated. She had to turn, had to look him in the eye when she broke his heart. Before she could stop him, Colt pulled her into his arms. She leaned against his cotton clad chest, the smell of hay and diesel sharper than before. She wanted to rest her cheek there, to let the heat of him flow into her, to enjoy another night with him. But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t do this to him anymore.
“Let me make an honest woman of you,” he whispered against her hair. It was what he always said. Always, when she was pulling away.
She withdrew, took a step back, away from the shelter of his body. “I can’t,” she whispered. “You should find a wife.”
“I don’t want a wife. I just want you.”
“I know. It’s the one thing I can’t give you.” Asha blinked rapidly, the sting of tears burning behind her eyelids and clogging her throat. “I’m sorry, but you’ve known it all along.”
Colt reached out and took her hand. Their calloused palms met, but instead of the usual spark, all she felt was sadness. “I hoped you would change your mind. Eventually.”
“Oh Colt.” She couldn’t keep blinking back her tears. They flooded her eyes and spilled in wet, scalding trails down her cheeks. “I can’t change who I am. I mean, who I really am. I can’t change my life or how I think or what I feel.”
Colt blinked hard, but the hurt in his eyes was unmistakable. “And you feel nothing. Nothing at all for me.”
“You know I do.” That pain, right in the center of her chest, was back. It threatened to kill her. Is this what it feels to break your own heart? “But you deserved to be loved properly.”
“What if I don’t want it? I don’t want proper. I just want you, Asha. Just as you are.”
“It’s not fair to you.” She wished he would understand before she turned into a sobbing mess. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you and I know you want so much more. Even though you say you don’t. You might not even know you need something else, but I know it. I can see it. I want to do the right thing and be fair to you because this isn’t fair to you.”
Colton withdrew his hand, slowly, forcefully. The heat of his body left hers and Asha felt true, honest grief, as sharp and fresh as when she’d lost her parents. She nearly stepped forward, took Colt’s hand again and whispered the words he wanted to hear. That she was wrong. She could change. That she’d somehow be the wife he deserved.
She’d do anything to stop the pain, the terrible pain she inflicted on them both. He didn’t deserve to feel it, but she did. She truly did.
“God, you have it all figured out, don’t you? You think it’s as simple as just finding someone. Anyone. Making a life with them. Forgetting you. Forgetting your face, the silk of your skin, your golden hair. Your long eyelashes and the way your nose curves up at the end, your lips. The taste of your mouth, your breath, the sounds you make. Your laughter and your tears. You think you can just turn all that off?”
“No… Colt-”
“No! You’re going to listen to me,” Colt said firmly. He retreated back a few paces, needing the distance as badly as she did. “I think you do care about me. In fact, I think you love me. It’s just that you don’t even know how to open yourself up to feel it. You can’t admit it, even to yourself, that you might have lost your heart along the way. I know what happened to you. I was there, remember? I’ve always been there. When I say I don’t want anyone else, it’s because it’s true. I’m not one for words. You know that. I barely know how to explain myself to you. It’s hard to tell you how I feel so I’ll be plain. I think you do love me and I’m going to wait around for you to figure it out because it’s all I can do. I can’t leave until you prove to me that you really don’t feel anything at all. That there is no possibility of an us.” Unbidden, a single tear slipped down his bronzed, bearded cheek and was wiped angrily away.
Asha’s heart stopped beating. She felt sick, felt Colt’s pain like a physical blow to her stomach. I did this to him. Me. She stared at the devastation on his face, the wreckage of a heart he tried so hard to hide from everyone.
Colt whirled, stomped out of the living room and down the hall. Asha ran after him. He paused at the door, just long enough to slam his work boots on. She put out a hand to brace herself, to keep from falling over.
She watched him walk out that door, his hurt and confusion and love swirling around her, heady and thick and restless in the air.
“Colt.” The whispered plea was more than a little broken and far too late. He was already long gone.
CHAPTER 17
Gabriel
Gabriel had been watching Asha’s house out the small window of his cabin when he saw a man drive up and slip inside without knocking. He knew, without fully seeing the guy’s face, that it must be Colton.
As the minutes ticked on, Gabriel felt a restless anger grow inside him. He stared at that parked truck. He didn’t know what was between Colton and Asha, but if there was something then he envied and resented the hell out of that man.
God, I’m a fool. Gabriel slammed his fist down on the table. He shoved back the wood chair and began to pace the small space. Asha was a grown woman. A beautiful, sensual woman who of course wouldn’t be single. He’d been a fool to hope.
He knew better, knew he couldn’t blame her, knew he shouldn’t wish he was the one in that house with her, holding her, kissing her, bringing her to screaming pleasure. The longer he thought about it, the more frustrated he grew. No amount of telling himself that it wasn’t his place to feel that way didn’t change the fact that he did.
All that restless energy drove him to the cabin door. He was about to go vent his pent up frustration in the night with a long walk or better yet, a hard jog, when he heard the front door of Asha’s farm house bang open. Heavy steps stalked across the porch. There was a slamming of a truck door and an engine firing to life. The truck roared down the driveway.
Gabriel had to see what the heck was going on. A horrible jolt of irrational hope shot through him.
He opened his cabin door just in time to see Asha stalk out of the house. She walked with a fury in her stride, confirming for Gabriel that she’d probably just had a fight with Colton.
“Asha!” He knew he should just let her go. He shouldn’t interfere, but he couldn’t stop himself. He was down the steps of his cabin and running after her before his better judgement could kick in.
She whirled, her blue eyes wild in the moonlight overhead. She wore a thin cotton dress, a summery sundress that showed off all her curves. Her unbound hair trailed down her back, the curls rich and heavy, silvery in the darkness.
“Leave me alone, Gabriel,” she ground out.
She turned to flee, but he caught her arm. She cursed under her breath but didn’t pull away. A jolt of hot electricity fired up his arm. “Wait!” He rea
lized that she’d been crying. The white trails down her cheeks could only be dried tears. He breathed in, noticing the way the hairs on the backs of Asha’s arms stood on end. He inhaled the crisp, fresh scent that always clung to her, the subtle hint of sweat mingled with the heady richness of shampoo. Not perfume. He knew instinctively that she wouldn’t wear it.
“Leave me alone,” Asha hissed again.
Clearly she wanted to put some distance between them. She pulled her arm away and whirled, continuing on her way to the barn.
He had no choice but to let her go. What was he thinking, marching out here like some kind of errant knight. She didn’t need to be saved. She was far too wild and independent. She was settled here, on her farm. Asha made a difference in the world. Even if she wasn’t involved with someone else, Gabriel knew he didn’t belong in the universe she’d created for herself.
He stood there in the yard, debating with himself. Go after Asha, risk making a fool of himself again or go back to his cabin. The latter seemed like an impossibility. He couldn’t sleep imagining Asha out here by herself. He just wanted to be sure she was alright. Then he would go back inside…
Gabriel found her in the barn, mucking out a stall. It wasn’t hard to tell which direction she’d gone as her grunts of effort gave her away.
“Asha…” Gabriel stepped back when she whirled, pitchfork in hand. She seemed to realize she was brandishing at him and lowered it slowly.
“I thought I said I wanted to be alone,” she said evenly. Some of the anger faded away and her shoulders slumped.
“You did. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Gabriel shrugged; too embarrassed to admit he’d pretty much spied on her. “I just… you seem upset.”
“I…” Asha gulped then large tears spilled down her cheeks.
Gabriel stepped forward, ready to take her into his arms, comfort her, hold her. The need was so raw he moved without even thinking. He stopped when he was right in front of her. She didn’t back up. She eyed him warily, confused, her body tense like she wanted to run again.
He couldn’t stop himself. He reached out and caressed her cheek gently. God, her skin was like silk. He’d wanted to touch her for days. He bent his head slowly, so very slowly. His lips were an inch from hers, the sweetness of her breath misting on his mouth when she abruptly took a step back, her eyes wounded, her mouth parted as hard, shocked breaths came out.
“I’m sorry,” Gabriel muttered. What the hell am I doing? This isn’t right. He regretted following her, regretted his loss of control. Regretted a whole hell of a lot more. “I’m sorry,” he said again, lamely, before he turned and fled the barn.
CHAPTER 18
Asha
They said bad things happened in threes. If Asha counted breaking up with Colt and the near miss with Gabriel the night before as two bad things then their newest cow, Annika going into labour, was definitely the third.
It was just past lunch that Penny came running to get Asha. She’d been in the garden weeding when Penny rushed up, out of breath. Asha knew immediately that something was wrong. She’d followed Penny to the barn and now stood watching Annika, who was laying on her side in the straw, breathing heavily and bawling piteously. The side of her belly just didn’t look right to Asha.
“It’s bad,” Penny stated. She just went into labour an hour ago. I’ve tried calling Joan, but I keep getting her voice mail. She’s probably out on a call and might not answer for hours. The nearest vet after that is Oakland.
“You checked her? The calf is facing the wrong way for sure?”
Penny nodded gravely and Asha’s heart sank. “The water broke naturally though. I know often with a breach birth the water has to be broken. I thought it was a good sign but I’m not so sure. That’s why I called Joan.” Penny wrung her hands nervously. “I’m not experienced enough for this…”
“The calf is still alive?”
“Yes.” Penny indicated the Doppler machine. “I used that on her right before I came to get you. The heartbeat is normal, unbelievably. I just don’t know how much time the calf has.”
Asha’s heart sank even further, to the pit of her stomach. “I’ve got to find Colt. He’s done this a few times with me before. If anyone can help me, he can.” Penny’s face took on a look of sheer panic at the thought of being left alone. “You’ll be okay,” Asha tried to assure her.
Penny nodded and went back to trying to comfort Annika.
Asha took off at a head run. She reached her truck and tore down the driveway. She wondered which field Colt was in. She knew he wouldn’t be at the house. Especially not after what she’d said to him last night. No, he would be out working, trying to erase her from his mind.
What if he didn’t want to help her? She was the one who had chosen not only to end whatever it was between them, but also to half destroy a friendship that had lasted most of their lives.
Asha pulled over and tried his cell, but of course it was off. Just as she thought. She decided to try one of her own fields, since Colt had been swathing hay a few days ago and her fields were likely ready.
She was in luck. She spotted the swather moving at a distance. She shifted the truck into four wheel drive and plowed through the field.
The huge machine slowly came to a standstill as Colt spotted her. He shut it off and climbed down just as she stopped the truck.
She got out, frantic with worry. “Why don’t you ever have your damn phone on?” She growled.
“I’m sorry,” Colt said, putting his hands up in surrender. “What is it Asha? What’s wrong?” His face changed. Alarm flashed in his eyes.
“It’s one of the cows. She’s in labour and the calf is breach. I don’t think the vet is going to make it on time. We can’t even reach her. The calf is still alive… for now. I need you to help me try and turn it. We’ve done it before…”
Colt didn’t say anything. He moved swiftly, jumping into the passenger seat of her truck. Asha drove back to the farm at breakneck speed. Colt hung on tight and shot Asha a look that could only be termed reassuring.
“It's going to be okay,” he said quietly and Asha smiled a sad smile in return.
Why can’t I love this man? He’s the first one I turn to whenever I have a problem with anything.
She rounded the bend and turned down the driveway. As soon as she shut off the truck Gabriel came running out of his cabin.
Fucking great. She couldn’t help but recall that near kiss last night in the barn. She hadn’t wanted it, certainly hadn’t asked for it. What had he been thinking? She just hoped he was smart enough not to mention anything around Colt. She needed him clear headed, not pounding Gabriel into the ground.
“What’s happening?” Gabriel asked. He stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Colt.
“We have an emergency with one of the cows,” Asha explained. She was already striding towards the barn and Gabriel had to half jog to keep up.
“Can I help?”
I doubt it. “I think we’re fine.” She wanted to tell Gabriel to go back to his cabin but he tagged along beside her. Colt was ahead of them, already intent on saving Annika’s life and that of her calf.
“How is she?” Asha panted as they reached Annika’s stall. Penny knelt beside the cow, stroking her face gently.
“Same. You can tell its breach. She's not progressing like she should.”
“The calf is still alive?”
“I just used the Doppler a minute ago. Its heartbeat is getting weaker.”
“Okay.”
Gabriel stepped back, melting into the wall as Asha got behind Annika. Colt already knew what she needed him to do. He waited, his large, capable hands on Annika’s heaving side.
Asha slipped her hands inside. She felt the back hooves immediately. The good news was that it only appeared to be half way breach. “Okay, Colt. Just wait until I tell you.”
“I got you,” Colt promised.
Asha truly felt like he did. She would trust him with her life if it came to it. They had to be careful. If she ruptured the uterus, she risked losing both the mother and calf.
Very, very gently, Asha tucked the back hooves up tight. She felt the cord and didn’t want to tangle or damage it, as it would cut off the oxygen supply to the calf.
“Colt, press over to the right,” Asha instructed, staring at the spot she wanted him to push on. Colt did so and Asha was pleased when the calf’s rump started to move in the right direction. She pushed harder, guiding all the way, applying pressure to the hooves to keep them tucked in tightly. With a mighty effort she at last had the calf turned almost in the right direction. Everything seemed to be going fine. Annika didn't appear to be in distress. Asha kept guiding, kept pushing and finally, finally the calf’s hooves turned all the way and she could feel its head.
She withdrew her hands with a happy cry. “We did it,” she laughed, grabbing Colt and hugging him. She hugged Penny next. Both women cried happy tears as they stepped back and watched Annika.
She gave a loud bellow but it wasn’t as distressed as before. Since the calf was facing the right direction she could actually proceed with trying to birth it. Cows were normally quick with the birthing and Asha imagined it wouldn't be long before they met the baby.
Penny and Asha spent the next hour coaxing, massaging and trying to help the mother. Colt checked the calf a few times and motioned to Asha that everything was fine. Gabriel watched everything from off to the side.
Annika started pushing. She gave a few great heaves and the calf appeared. Colt and Asha helped guide the new baby into the world. When the calf was free, Colt quickly took it, made sure the breathing passages were clear, and presented it to its tired mama. Annika struggled to stand and Asha helped. While the new mother cleaned her baby, Asha and Penny helped deliver the afterbirth. It was a bloody sight. Asha's whole top half and much of her jeans were covered in goo and afterbirth.
Finally it was over. Annika stood happily nursing her new calf.
