Her slack lips suddenly responded below mine, and she wobbled in my arms. I pulled away, never looking away from her. “Are you alright?”
She looked strung out and quivery but she nodded. “Yes.” Tears welled in her eyes. “Q, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
The way she trembled pissed me off but worse, it made me remember. Remember why she’d had the panic attack in my office. Why she’d shut down. She’d sensed the fucking bastards who’d come to steal her—somehow she’d known. There was no way anyone could be on this island, so the only other conclusion was an overload—a complete bombardment of new locations and people.
Shit, I’m a grade-A asshole.
Tess pushed me away, moving on unsteady legs to get some air.
“Come here, Tess.” I stormed toward her, capturing her shoulders again. “I didn’t think. I’m a fucking idiot.”
She blinked. “Think about what?”
I’d been so stupid. “Being here—in a completely new place. The last time that happened—” I couldn’t finish. I wouldn’t remind her. Not that she needed reminding—it lived in her mind, suffocated her lungs, itched her skin with memories.
“I shouldn’t have brought you somewhere so far from where you’re used to.”
Tess shook her head, clasping my hands on her shoulders. “That’s what you think? Q, it wasn’t the office that upset me. It isn’t a new place I’m afraid of. It was them. I knew. Somehow I knew.”
“And now? Do you sense them here? Are you afraid?” I wanted to yell at her to never be afraid again—unless it was of me. But I kept my temper tightly controlled.
“This wasn’t a full attack—just a memory.”
I would’ve killed for her to admit exactly what memory haunted her. “So being somewhere new isn’t filling you with fear?”
She pressed a finger against my lips, hushing me. “No. If anything, it’s helping. My instincts knew evil was close by that day. I should’ve listened instead of brushing them off. That’s twice I’ve ignored my sixth sense. And I promise on both our lives I will never ignore it again.”
I glowered around the island, seeing threats where there were none, suspicious of the swaying palm trees, contemplating annihilating them just for existing. I didn’t believe her—now I suspected everything and everyone.
Maybe it’s the fucking captain. I glanced over my shoulder. At the end of the jetty, Bill had on a headset talking through the radio. He looked innocent enough. If he wasn’t, I would break his neck in a second.
Yet more violence to protect the woman I’d dragged into the darkness to be with me. The guilt layered more rocks in my chest. I looked back at Tess. “That day in the office. I should never...I was an idiot to leave…I’ll never be able to tell you how sor—”
Tess’s residual fear morphed into hot temper. “Stop it. It wasn’t your fault. You need to let go of your guilt, Q.” Cupping my chin, she ran a thumb over a thicker cut that’d needed stitches. She lacerated my heart just like she lacerated my body.
I bowed my head, leaning into her touch. I felt like a wild animal letting himself be soothed. “I love you, esclave, but you’re a hypocrite.”
She cocked her head, squinting in the sunlight. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Trying to change the subject, she said, “Can we go? I’m dying to see the island and explore.” Her eyes sparkled with forced merriment.
My teeth clenched. She was a master at guiding subjects away from the ones she couldn’t bear. My voice was a growl. “Don’t try to hide what just happened.” Leaning closer, I ran my nose gently over her ear and down her throat. She shivered as I gently peeled the bandage away from the red mark on her neck.
My stomach twisted at the sight of the angry ‘Q’ branded into her skin for life. Eventually it would heal to a delectable silver and everyone would know she belonged to me. “I refuse to be lied to for another fucking minute. I sense everything you’re trying to mask. The mixed signals are giving me a headache, so stop it.”
She winced as the air touched her sore neck. “Fine.” The air grew static as her anger sprang from nowhere. Her temper fed mine.
“Fine,” I snapped. “Oh, and this?” I rolled up the bandage, shoving it in my pocket. “It stays off. I want to see the mark. I need to see the mark. You’re not to cover it up again.”
Tess huffed, crossing her arms. “Fine.”
Why the hell was she pissed at me? What the hell had I done? “Good. Glad we understand each other.”
She muttered, “Perfectly.” She looked away, cutting me off from her thoughts. The familiar burn of anger rushed down my arm, causing my fingers to lash out and imprison her chin.
Guiding her eyes back to mine, I said, “You think I don’t know what you’re living with, but I’m living with the same demons. You’re forgetting I have a front row seat to your unconsciousness in the form of your nightmares.” My fingers tightened, making her flinch. “Something else is bothering you. Spill it.”
Her eyes narrowed. “There’s nothing else.”
“Don’t.” I tutted under my breath. “Dis moi la vérité!” Tell the truth.
We glared, fighting a silent war. A minute ticked past, then another, until Tess finally weakened. “I’m slightly overwhelmed.”
I held my breath. “Overwhelmed?”
She sighed, shifting her feet. “A little. This is happening so fast. It’s a crazy whirlwind, and I need time to breathe.”
I jerked away. “You’re saying I’m forcing you?” For fuck’s sake, was she marrying me only to keep me happy? All the promises I made in the limo of not changing my plans disintegrated. How could I rush her when I’d already put her through so much?
“No! Not at all. It’s just a lot to take in. I mean, Q, I’m standing on your island. I’m marrying you. After a lifetime of loneliness, you’re giving me the world. It’s a lot to take in.”
I frowned. Wasn’t that reason to rush? To solidify perfection before it was stolen once again?
Her head tilted, eyes darting over my face. “Every time you move, your skin glitters with tiny scars. Scars that I put there.” Her voice was barely audible. “If you’re suffering with guilt, how do you think I feel living every day with evidence of what I did to you?”
Goddammit, she thought I minded? She thought I was so superficial to care about the small marks she’d laced my body with? I didn’t. I fucking loved them. I loved that I wore my love for her. I loved that I was strong enough to face my terror.
Softening my voice, I murmured, “Every lash and wound you gave me brought you back to life. I never want you to think I begrudge them, because I don’t.”
She swallowed hard. “You always know what to say.”
“You’re forgetting I sense everything you feel.” I didn’t admit that was only a half-truth. Trying to figure out her lies had become harder and harder. Her skill at fibbing was adapting, which meant I had to break her habit fast. I refused to let her protect me by bottling everything inside.
Bill cleared his throat, his footsteps loud on the jetty behind us.
I let Tess go, spinning to face him. “What?”
His eyes flickered to Tess before saying, “I’ll be on radio frequency 3139 when you’re ready to leave. Give me an hour to get here, but I’ll be on call for you for however long you need.”
I nodded. “Fine. Thank you.”
Bill dragged a hand through his hair, then turned to patrol back to the boat.
A rush of pride filled me. This was right. This was as it should be. No one else mattered in the world but Tess, and I didn’t want to share the most special day with anyone else.
Tess suddenly planted a swift, chaste kiss on my lips, taking me by surprise.
I froze, fighting the swelling in my trousers. “What was that for?”
She smiled, bowling me over with how fucking beautiful she was. “For being you. For being perfect.”
I chuckled, but it held pain and a slight web of confusion. �
��I’m not perfect, esclave. You’re mistaking me for someone else.”
She bit her lip, shaking her head. She threaded her fingers with mine. Her touch kept the darkness and snarling monsters locked inside. “You’re perfect to me. Perfect for me.”
My heart thudded, sending warmth through my veins. I didn’t deserve her. I blinked, suddenly seeing the rush—the manic journey to an island in the middle of nowhere—as a desperate attempt at locking her to me forever.
What the fuck am I doing?
I was about to marry the one person I would love past all existence, and I’d forced her to marry me in private. She didn’t deserve to be squirrelled away. She deserved to be in a gorgeous gown dripping with diamonds and placed on a pedestal where I could honour her for the rest of my life.
This might be what I wanted, but it wasn’t fair to her.
I sighed, expelling the air in a rush. Raising my voice, I shouted after Bill. “Don’t leave. Not yet. We’re going back to the mainland.”
Bill turned, acknowledging my request with a small wave before jumping back into the boat.
Tess flinched. “Why did you say that? We just got here.”
This wasn’t right. But I would make it right. I brushed a curl behind her ear. “C’est une erreur.” This is a mistake.
She took a hasty step back. “Excuse me?”
My heart stuttered at the pain in her voice. The insecurity in her eyes, the terror in her body only confirmed my decision. I wanted her happy and strong. I wanted her joyous and walking with no burdens or heavy shackles when I made her mine. So much darkness layered our lives, overshadowing us from too many corners.
If we got married like this it would stain our entire lifetime together. And I wouldn’t do it.
Not when I had the chance to fix it.
“I can’t marry you. Not like this.” I waved between us, indicating the distance, the ghosts separating us. “We haven’t resolved what we went through. We’ve shoved it away, hoping to forget, but we’ll never forget. What happened is a part of us, as much as we’d like to pretend otherwise.”
My face twisted with ferocity. “I want to pretend you were never taken and hurt. I want to imagine you were never drugged and made to take another’s life. And I want to forget the bone-crippling pain when I couldn’t find you and thought I’d lost you forever.”
Something shifted. The heaviness I’d been living with faded just a little as Tess met my eyes. “Q…”
The delicate agreement between us—the one that said we’d try to protect each other by not sharing—shredded. Gone was the need to pretend we were alright. Gone was the stupidity to act as if we were normal.
We weren’t normal. And we needed to address our past before it swallowed us whole. Sincerity and hope broke through the clouds like sunshine in a storm.
Tess whispered, “I want to be a carefree again. Someone slightly naïve, a little gullible, and a lot in love. I want to believe in fantasies again, see the magic in the world, and not be terrified of shadows or going to sleep.”
My arms fucking demanded to be wrapped around her. Finally. The truth. Just a little but it was more than before.
Then her eyes glossed with tears, and the storm swallowed us again. “But whatever we want, it isn’t going to happen overnight. It’ll take time.”
I growled low in my throat, wanting to tear apart every clock and watch. Time had kept me from finding her. Time meant jack-shit to me. I wanted her to be happy now. I wanted to marry her now.
Time was my fucking enemy.
Tess mistook my silence as consideration. She continued, “What we lived through is part of our identity. We can never erase it. The only way to survive is by accepting—”
My hands balled. “I’m not accepting that this is our life.” Motioning between us, I hissed, “This…distance. These…lies. I want more than that, esclave. And I know you do, too.”
I looked toward the captain, glad he had his back to us and out of hearing distance. He would never understand the violence, the aggression, the all-consuming passion between us. He would never accept my overbearing temper or quick to flare anger.
But Tess did.
She understood me just like I understood her. I was hers just as much as she was mine.
My eyes drank in the island. I didn’t want to leave. I liked this slice of paradise. Nothing could touch me here. An oasis in thousands of gallons of seawater. It would be a good place for Tess to heal. But not yet. I had work to do before I could bring her back.
“We’re leaving. We can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?” The sun shone on her head, looking like melted gold on her shoulders.
“I’m not marrying you tomorrow, Tess.”
Her face went white; I swore her heart plummeted into her feet. She looked away, locking her jaw. I loved she was distraught at the thought of no longer marrying me.
In some fucked-up way it gave me the assurance I needed. Time and secrets might wedge us apart but she’d sworn to love me and grow old by my side. That was enough for now.
Rejection wrapped around her, blanketing her in depression. “You’ve changed your mind?” she whispered. “I knew it was all too good to be true. After all, you deserve so much more.” Her voice trailed off.
How many fucking times must I assure her?
“Every second you doubt my feelings for you, you kill another part of me,” I growled. “Did my letter mean nothing? Did seeing my raw thoughts on paper not help you realize I would do anything for you?”
My heart stuttered at the thought of her reading my innermost thoughts. The rambling mess I’d jotted down.
The salt-laced air whipped her hair, blowing a few strands around her neck. She searched my face. “Then what are you doing?”
“I’m going to marry you, esclave. That’s non-negotiable.”
Her chest rose and fell with relief. “Okay…when?”
My mind raced, putting a haphazard plan into effect. “I don’t know yet.” I gave her a reassuring smile. “But we both know we can’t get married like this.” I had no idea how I would fix it. If it was even fixable. I wouldn’t stop until I’d smashed through the clouds of madness we lived in. I didn’t tell her I doubted it was possible to heal entirely or eradicate what we’d done.
I’ll make it happen.
I would find a way. I would fix her. I would fix myself.
Holding my hand out, I vowed, “I’ll find a way to free you. I’ll find a way to make it right.” Her fingers interlocked with mine, and I dragged her close. Breathing in her soft innocent scent, I murmured, “And when you’re finally happy, I’ll give you whatever you want.
“I promise.”
Chapter Three
Tess
Intertwined, tangled, knotted forever, our souls will always be twisted together,
our demons, our monsters belong to the other,
Bow to me, I bow to thee, now we are free
“Well that was the shortest wedding in bloody history,” Franco muttered as I slid into the car and slammed the door. Sunshine gave way to shade, providing relief from the piercing glare. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Melting into the leather upholstery, I angled the vents to receive an artic blow from the air-conditioning. Being in the high-noon sun and dealing with the stress of being told I wasn’t marriageable material had taken its toll.
Q slid into the limo, slamming the door just as loud as I had. We hadn’t spoken a word on the way back; I didn’t trust myself not to burst into tears. I’d make a fool of myself by showing how insecure and truly afraid I was.
I don’t want you, Tess. How could I love you now you’ve become one of them? The voice from when I’d been drugged in Rio kept repeating in my mind. Q didn’t know that while I hurt and maimed under the command of my captors, he’d visited me often. My phantom conjuring with his whispers of me no longer being pure or worthy.
I knew it was irrational to believe he didn’t want me—not after his
letter and everything he’d done—but I wasn’t strong enough to stop the voices from undermining everything I knew to be real and replacing them with lies.
Damn lies.
Insecure filthy lies.
I sneaked a glance at Q. He glared out the window, his forehead furrowed, eyes dark with planning. He’d withdrawn once again, focusing inward on whatever idea he’d latched onto. The last time he’d been this intense, he’d ordered me to beat him practically to death.
My eyes refused to stop drinking him in. His white t-shirt clung to his body made from pure stone. His longer hair was wind-swept and messy. His five o’ clock shadow hid some of the tension from his jaw but not enough.
He was so perfect. Too perfect. How could I ever compete, always feeling second best? My heart had leapt out of my throat and dived into the waves when he’d said he couldn’t marry me. Every dark thought and worthless aspiration I secretly nursed came true in that one, horrifying minute.
I’d always known it was only a matter of time before he finally realized he was marrying a girl with sin in her soul and a woman’s blood under her fingernails. And not just any woman. A trafficked woman—a bird he would’ve done anything to save.
He might suffer guilt for letting Leather Jacket take me. However, I suffered guilt for murder.
Franco lowered the barrier between us. “Couldn’t wait to get to the honeymoon, huh?” He threw a look over his shoulder, his emerald eyes catching mine.
My stomach twisted. What would he say if he knew Q had postponed it? Would he nod as if it made perfect sense? Would he tell Q he was worthy of a woman who was pure and not a killer like me?
I looked away, unable to stare at the man who’d been beside Q for years. I was jealous. Jealous of his time with Q when I’d had so little.
Franco cleared his throat, catching my attention again. He raised his eyebrow, kindness softening his fierce features.
I smiled weakly, then froze when he winked. He winked.
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