"Oh God." Nathan stood beside me and I hadn’t noticed him move.
Carol quickly shifted the sheet so it covered more of me, but his eyes were fixed on the soft flesh of my inner thigh. The horror in his expression told me he wasn’t perving on me in any normal sense of the word. He looked like he was going to cry.
It was instinctive, my stupid desire to hug a grown man as if he was a child who could be comforted. But he accepted it, hugging me tightly as if he’d been the one hurt. Somehow, despite how strange it seemed, I felt comforted by the contact.
Whatever his motives were, at least he made me feel better. Or he would, if…I winced as Carol ripped off another dressing. She was right to keep going without hesitation. The faster she changed my dressings, the sooner she’d be done with them. And the less I had to see of the messy red, white and blue-grey mosaic my body had become.
Part 19
Dark – Mike – Chris – Kiss – No
"So you fucked her, then untied her and dressed her again?" Mike sounded incredulous.
"Well…it was cold and she wanted to put her clothes back on. So…yeah."
If he'd said it was dark at night the way he said that, I wouldn't have believed him.
"Bullshit." This sounded closer. I kept my eyes tightly closed, hoping that he'd go away if I was asleep.
No, that only works for children's nightmares. Not real ones.
"Get her up and on her feet." The foot that kicked my leg could only have been Mike's.
"But she's still not well after the drugs you gave her…" Chris hedged.
"Then she'll be easier to control. Get her up and hold her for me."
A light hand touched my shoulder. "C'mon, wake up," Chris murmured.
Chris is on my left. Mike is down near my feet.
I rolled to my right, praying the dizziness had dissipated. If it hadn't, I knew how this would end. I shifted into a crouch, ready to defend myself but not knowing how. "No!" I shouted.
"Fuck. Hold her still." Mike edged closer.
I backed away from them as Chris started to approach me, too.
My back touched something. Desperately, I turned to see I'd backed into a corner. No!
Swallowing hard, I turned back to face my captors, hands up in what I remembered was a basic block from my self-defence classes. Now I wished I'd taken more classes. "Don't you fucking touch me."
Mike sounded completely unfazed. "There's nothing you can do to stop me."
Fuck, but he was fast. He grabbed my arms and stomped his boot down on both of my bare feet. I tried to pull free, but he knew what he was doing. He twisted my arms up behind me and held them with one hand. The other he plunged into my hair, grabbing a handful and twisting that, too. I couldn't move my head without ripping out my hair. I swallowed a scream.
"Now kiss me, bitch." He smiled.
"Why?" I spat.
"Because you can. You may as well enjoy the last man you ever have."
"Fuck you!"
Shouldn't have opened my mouth. He tasted of ash, stale beer and worse. I retched as he shoved his tongue halfway down my throat, but his body pinning mine to the wall kept me upright. Worse, he enjoyed it. I could feel him hardening against my tummy. I’d have bitten his tongue off if I could’ve stopped choking.
If one horrible kiss is such a violation, how much worse can rape be? Oh God, I don't want to find out. He'll hurt me.
Mike broke his lip-lock and grinned. "You will, little bitch. You'll fuck me more than you can handle."
"Don't you fucking touch me!" I shouted again, trying to squirm away from him.
"She's mine!" Chris protested. "You promised!" He sounded five years old, instead of a bloke bigger than me.
Mike swung me around by my twisted arms, my muscles screaming in pain, slamming my body into Chris's. "The little bitch is all yours if you fuck her right here and now."
I spun around to face Chris. My voice came out as a whisper. "No…"
Part 20
Nathan’s voice told me I was okay. I relaxed, ready to go from dark nightmare to peaceful sleep once more, but I realised that the arms holding me tightly were anything but okay. Then they were gone.
I could hear footsteps and breathing in the dark, but no one touched me. "Nathan?" I asked quietly, hoping it was his breathing I’d heard.
Someone touched me again and my reaction was automatic and unexpected. Instead of wanting to claw his eyes out, I found myself relaxing into his embrace. This was not fucking okay. What if it had been someone else, someone I couldn’t trust?
I shoved at him and he let go of me. I tried to ignore the hurt look on his face as I demanded, "What are you doing? Why were you touching me when I woke up?"
His expression went from hurt to horrified and he didn’t know how to explain. "You’ve been having a lot of really bad nightmares and you wouldn’t wake up. You…were screaming. Screaming for me to help you. You…didn’t scream as much if I…hugged you."
It started to dawn on me that I had no idea just how much he’d done while I was asleep. I was sure I’d heard his voice while I slept and I needed to know if what I remembered was real or just part of one of my many fucked-up dreams.
"How often have you…hugged me?" I asked carefully.
If I’d dragged the answer out of him with pliers, it wouldn’t have come any easier. "Whenever you had nightmares, until you stopped screaming."
I held his gaze, trying to be sure he was telling the truth. He’d been here for every nightmare, every scream. My first thought was to wonder why he’d bothered, but I wasn’t ready to ask him that yet.
He started to elaborate without a word from me. "I did it because I couldn’t wake you up. I promised…I promised I wouldn’t let them hurt you and they were hurting you in your dreams. I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing." He looked scared.
Somehow, I decided that he was telling the truth. It had been his voice I'd heard, telling me to keep fighting, through all the bad dreams and hellish nightmares.
He kept going, his voice climbing higher in his desperation to make me believe him, but I wasn’t paying attention to his words any more in his rising panic.
I cut in as he paused for breath. "That explains…some things," I finished, not willing to tell him how many times his voice had broken into my nightmares, nor that I felt comfortable in his arms. I couldn’t afford to be comfortable in anyone’s arms, not yet. For my own safety, I had to do this. "Nathan, could you do me a favour?"
"Sure," he replied without hesitation.
I breathed a sigh of relief, careful not to let it show. "Next time I have a bad dream, can you please wake me up first?" My eyes held his to demand his answer.
His smile looked relieved. "Sure, with pleasure." His eyes held a glint that I didn’t trust.
I pulled away from him even further. I didn’t care if he’d just made an innocent comment. I couldn’t give in to anyone, not yet. So I tried to clarify it, to make sure he understood. "But please don’t touch me."
The light in his eyes died. I’d guessed correctly – the innuendo was in there for a reason. He didn’t look at me or say anything else as he wandered back to his bed.
I relaxed in mine, wishing this whole mess could be over. That I could consider giving in to Mr Sleazy Roommate, if only for a moment. But that was out of the question now.
I heard Nathan sigh as if he agreed with me. Of course he did.
Part 21
"Bye, Dad," I said softly and batted the button to end the call. I heard a few seconds of dial tone before I managed to silence it.
I lay back and sighed. Part of me wished to have a hero for a father, who'd have come charging in the day those bastards took me, before they could do any damage. But my dad wasn't like that. He had too many of his own fears to face up to.
He and I both knew he couldn't stand to see me hurt. It'd remind him of losing my mother. I wasn't surprised that he'd been away the whole time I'd been gone and he was planning a longer stint
– even the faint possibility of losing me would've turned him into a bigger workaholic than before. One day I'd have to sit him down properly and get him to tell me what had really happened to her. But not before he'd worked off his present panic at nearly losing me.
I breathed a sigh of relief that he wouldn't be back soon – that'd give me the time and space to finish this without placing him in danger, too. I wouldn't be out of danger until they were gone.
I'm sorry, Dad, if it costs me my life to end this, but I can't move on unless I know they can never hurt me again. And for that, I'll need to see them safely to hell. Even if it means escorting those bastards there personally.
"Evening meds!" Carol sang out, rattling the pill cup.
I smiled and opened my eyes. "Can I have some milk with that today? I'd like to sleep early."
"Hot or cold?" she asked.
"Cold," I replied instantly.
She returned perhaps a minute later with a mug I recognised from the handover room. She helped me tip the cup of pills into my mouth and held the mug while I sipped the milk.
"Are you okay? Do you need more pain medication?" she asked, looking concerned.
I smiled. "No, I'm sure you're giving me too many already. I can't feel any pain right now."
She hesitated. "It's just that you've been crying. Did your roommate say something he shouldn't have? Or is he too professional, pretending he doesn't care about you? You know he's barely left your side since you arrived. I even caught him cuddling up to you in bed a couple of times." She looked at me in alarm. "Nothing sleazy. He wrapped you in your bed linen and then did the same for himself, like he didn't want to scare you. I swear that boy would do anything for you. He absolutely adores you, you know." She tipped the cup up so I could finish off the milk.
There's more to it than you realise. I smiled and licked the milk off my lips before replying, "I know. No, I just miss my father, is all. He called and he works away so much. I don't want him to see me like this – he'd treat me like a child and it wouldn't help me recover any faster."
Carol lifted her shoulders in a checked-shirt shrug. "Sounds like my dad. They can't deal with their daughters growing up. Let me know if there's anything else you need."
The phone rang.
She looked at me for a moment.
I held up my useless hands. "Could you hit the speakerphone button, please?"
"Oh! Sure," she replied, doing so.
"Hello?" I said uncertainly.
"I'm after Miss Caitlin Lockyer. This is Detective Neil McGuinness."
Carol's eyes widened and she hurried out, mug in hand. I heard the door close quietly as I directed my voice at the phone. "That's me, Detective."
His tone turned warmer. "I'm happy to hear you're awake. You must have been through a lot. I bet there are a few people who hoped you wouldn't wake up."
"Not here, Detective," I replied softly. "Here in the hospital, everyone's been really helpful."
He coughed. "Good. Look, I've been working on your case ever since you disappeared and I'd like nothing better than to catch the people who hurt you so I can put them in prison for a long time. Can I come visit you in hospital so we can have a little chat about anything you can remember that might help me find them?"
Prison? But they might leave there still alive…if there's enough evidence to convict them at all. What if a court finds them not guilty?
"Miss Lockyer?"
I stared at the empty pill cup Carol had left behind in her haste. "Yes."
"Can I come to the hospital tomorrow and…"
"I said yes, Detective. See you tomorrow."
This time, I managed to get the button on the second bat with my bandaged hand.
Do I tell the police everything tomorrow and trust them to take care of the men who hurt me, or do I find another way – one that will make sure they can never hurt me again?
Do I trust the police?
I knew the answer to that one, if I had to ask myself such a question. Before all this, perhaps, but now? No. They shot me.
Do I trust Nathan?
I pressed my head into the pillow, closing my eyes.
I heard the man himself enter the room, but I didn't move nor open my eyes. I didn't want to look at him, for fear I'd say something I shouldn't.
That boy would do anything for you.
Would you kill for me, Nathan?
Part 22
Dark – Mike – Chris – Kiss – No – Beautiful – Bastard
He caught me around the waist before I could move away. My terror rose, not knowing what he was going to do. I couldn't move my arms – they tingled painfully from whatever hold Mike had locked them in.
"You could start with a kiss. Even I did," Mike derided.
Chris pulled me closer, holding me tighter, and I couldn’t struggle.
His hands were gentler than Mike's, nervous and uncertain. Aloud, he whispered, again, "I’m not going to hurt you." Begging me to believe him.
One arm a steel band around my waist, with his other hand he gently cupped my face. The heel of his hand under my chin, his fingers curved up around my cheek. "Forgive me," he breathed, his face so close to mine I could feel the heat of his breath on my lips.
Then he kissed me, too. A world of difference. Careful and hesitant, more like a real kiss. I drew in a breath of surprise and closed my eyes. I almost forgot who he was and where we were. Almost.
I turned my head away. "Don't do that again."
His lips almost touched my ear. "Thank you. A priceless kiss stolen from a beautiful woman."
You smooth, sleazy bastard! I felt my cheeks heat up against my will. For the first time, I was happy it was dark.
He released me and I stumbled back. Two steps and I tripped over the edge of the mattress, which sent me sprawling.
"You did want her lying down," Mike said with a laugh. "What are you waiting for?"
Realising my danger, I raised my voice as I struggled to get up. "Touch me and I'll kick your fucking face in!" I screamed at Chris. Mike. Both of them.
Chris's weight landed on top of me, crushing me into the mattress. I raised my hands to claw his eyes out, but he was ready for me, catching my hands in his as Mike had. He wasn't as cruel – he pinned my hands to the mattress above my head instead. I tried to bend my knees up so I could kick him across the room, but he forced his knees between mine, leaving me more vulnerable than before.
"No…" I whispered again, my voice stolen by fear.
Mike's voice seemed thunderous in comparison. "How are you going to do that with him holding you down? Just lie back and take it, bitch. I've got better waiting for you right here." He grabbed his crotch to demonstrate. "Give her an extra five minutes for me, Chris." He left, laughing.
Chris shifted between my legs.
"No, please," I whimpered.
Part 23
I couldn't sleep. I heard Nathan settle into his own bed and turn the lights off. I listened to his breathing gradually become even as he drifted off to sleep, but such things eluded me.
I turned on one side and then the other, pressing my face into the pillow or staring at the darkened ceiling. Nothing helped.
Tomorrow I could tell the police everything or nothing. I could be completely honest and describe my living hell in graphic detail, or I could plead my weakened state as an excuse to delay. After all, it would be normal for someone in my situation not to want to discuss the violence and abuse to which I'd fallen victim. Not everyone had my memory, nor would they have spent their captivity repeating all the facts I knew so I wouldn't forget anything.
And Nathan? What about Nathan?
I turned to look at him. He appeared to be having as restless a night as I was, moving around in bed a bit like a fish on a hook. It looks like he's having nightmares, I thought. Hopefully not about me.
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling again, then turned toward the bathroom so I couldn’t see Nathan any more.
What about Na
than?
I wondered what he'd do if he heard me tell my memories. If he wasn't having nightmares now, he would once he'd heard the substance of mine. I couldn't do that to him. He didn't deserve to carry the weight in my head. Knowing those bastards had hurt me was enough for him – he leaped to my defence already.
I heard voices and feet on the floor, so I looked around to see who'd entered the room. A shadow loomed over my bed and I screamed.
Closer, closer, reaching for me…
No.
The light over my bed clicked on and I blinked in the suddenly bright light. Nathan squinted back at me.
Not a shadow. Nathan. No need to worry. Shouldn't have screamed. Silly. "What is it, Nathan?"
He smiled at me as I tried to slow my racing heart. I'd been imagining the menace in the shadow as he leaned over me, surely. He'd never hurt me.
"I'm safe in hospital with you. Right?" I tested.
His expression didn't change as he replied, "Yeah." I couldn't tell if his yawn was real or fake.
I stared at him, trying to decide.
"Who gave you your afternoon meds?" he asked, looking worried.
You scared the shit out of me just to ask me stupid questions? "Judith…no, Carol. Carol was on last night. I said I was having trouble sleeping so she found me some milk in the handover room fridge. I was out like a light." I didn't want to tell him that I'd been ignoring him when he came in. Better if he thought I'd been asleep.
"I won’t keep you up. You need your rest to heal." His smile was so filled with sympathy I didn't know how to respond. And he looked so sad, somehow. He headed back to bed before I could work out what to say.
It's not like I'm going to get much more sleep. Maybe we could both use the company. And he could help me decide what to do tomorrow. Time to find out if he'd really do anything for me, like Carol said.
I swallowed. "Would you please sit by me for a little bit, ‘til I calm down properly? I just want to get some of the horrible pictures out of my head. The police come to take my statement tomorrow and I can’t stop thinking about all the things I have to say…"
Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller Page 5
