Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller

by Demelza Carlton

I want them all dead. I want to know they can never hurt me or anyone else again. It'd be satisfying if I can make sure they feel the same pain as what they’d forced on me before they die, but I'll settle for them dead. Maybe.

  Part 63

  I didn't regret it properly 'til Nathan had hurried out of my room and I heard the water running in the bathroom. I slipped out of bed and opened my bedroom door silently. I wanted to apologise. I was so messed up after getting into not one but two fights tonight that I'd started a third with Nathan. I didn't want him to leave me alone – not tonight.

  Outside the door I came face to face with a man I didn’t know. Oh, but I did. Even as his eyes slid away from my face, I realised this was the man who’d tried to crush the life out of me before he stabbed me with a syringe. The man who knew Nathan.

  "Are you here to guard me?" I whispered.

  He nodded.

  I looked into his eyes, keeping my voice low so Nathan wouldn’t hear me. "I’m sorry I held a gun to your head. I thought you were going to kill him."

  He smiled, nodded and told me it was okay. Haltingly, he said, "I’m sorry for...stuff, too."

  I heard Nathan splashing in the bathroom and hurried through the house to the toilet. When I opened the door, I half expected to see the blood-spattered walls in my memory, but the gore was gone. The tiles sparkled like they hadn’t for months and I know I hadn’t cleaned them.

  I shut the door again as quietly as I could and headed into the laundry to retrieve my knife. I scrabbled around on top of the dryer until I found it, wedged between the dryer and the wall. I tucked the sheathed blade into the waistband of my pyjamas, pulling my top down to hide it. It was cold against my skin, much like my resolve.

  I tiptoed quickly back to my room, listening for the running water in the bathroom. It sounded like Nathan was still there.

  The guard hadn’t moved. He gave me a nod as I approached.

  "Nathan’s guarding me, too, right?" I asked.

  He nodded.

  I hesitated, but I had to ask. "Is he any good? Can I trust him?"

  He paused, looking thoughtful. "Well, he’s kept you alive this long."

  Through blind, dumb luck and help from everyone, including me.

  He looked like he was thinking the same thing. He opened his mouth to speak.

  "Why did he take so long to come back for me?" I couldn't stop my voice from shaking.

  He swallowed. "He disobeyed orders and killed suspects he was supposed to capture. My orders were to get him to the surveillance van. I didn't know he'd missed one."

  "Orders? You mean Nathan's not in charge?" I asked quickly.

  "No, the unit manager up at the State Office..." he began.

  That’s the man I need to meet. The man who's ordering him around. The one who told him to let me get hurt. If all of Nathan’s fuck-ups aren’t his fault – well, most of them, at least – someone else needs to pay. And the price will be high. I’ll make sure of that.

  I gritted my teeth so hard they grated together. "Tell him I need to talk to him. Without Nathan." I took a deep breath. "I’ll tell him everything I know."

  He looked at me in consternation.

  I heard Nathan turn the water off and his footsteps cross from tiled bathroom floor to hallway carpet. "Thank you," I whispered as I hurried back to bed.

  I slipped the knife beneath my pillow while he exchanged words with the guard outside, their voices too low for me to hear. I lay down and focussed on my breathing, allowing my body to relax again. Whether I trusted Nathan or not, at least I wouldn’t be unarmed any more. I intended to take this knife everywhere. Especially if I lost Nathan's help.

  As he crept into bed beside me once more, I relaxed in relief. I needed him still and the only way I could think to bind him more closely to me involved sex. I only hoped I could do it.

  Part 64

  The plan was so stupid it was hard to believe it'd been mine. Of course, it wasn't until I was in the middle of the crowded nightclub that I realised what a terrible idea it was. I couldn't seduce Nathan in this crush – he couldn't hear a word I said. I needed privacy. And a truckload more courage than I could ever possess.

  It took him ten minutes of waiting before he could buy me a drink from the bar – hardly enough liquid courage to bolster my bravery.

  So when Nathan asked me if I wanted to go home, I was so happy, I kissed him.

  I’d finished two of my stubbies by the time Nathan pulled into an unfamiliar driveway. My head was swimmy with the alcohol. Nathan swirled it round further by lifting me from the car and spinning me around. The empty bottle in my hand slipped from my fumbling fingers and thumped to the grass. A glowing heat spread through my chest, fuelled by the alcohol and more besides. I returned Nathan’s fierce kiss, holding his head in my hands.

  I want this. Fuck, I want this. He’ll never hurt me. NEVER.

  Something bumped against my leg. I looked down and saw Nathan had hooked his fingers round the handle of the bag from the liquor store. It was coming in with us. If my courage needed any more fodder, he had it. Dutch courage. I giggled. Not my vodka mixers. Russian courage, more like.

  Nathan smiled at me, setting me gently on my feet so he could unlock the door. We both lurched through the front door, laughing as our bodies were squeezed together in a doorway that wasn’t meant for two at a time.

  He dropped the keys as he kicked the door shut, then knelt to retrieve them. I stuck my toes on top of his keys, out of some fuzzy concept of mischief. His hands on my leg, sliding up and lifting, threw me off balance, so I almost fell on top of him. Instead of righting me, he tried to rise to his feet, with me balanced precariously over one shoulder.

  He shifted my weight so he had me in more of a fireman’s hold over his shoulder – better balanced but hardly dignified. His firm hand on my bare backside steadied me, but it shocked us both. Somehow my skirt had ridden up and my underwear was in clear view.

  "You got a red g-string to match the red bra?" he gasped.

  Actually, I’d been pretty pissed to discover the idiot of a shop girl had given me a g-string instead of knickers, but it'd been the perfect choice for tonight. Nathan’s lips on me drove all thought of anyone else right out of my head.

  "Kiss-arse," I murmured, my skin tingling as he did it again. I watched the keys get further away, forgotten on the tiles.

  Nathan inverted me and I felt furry fabric beneath my bottom. I looked around fuzzily at the lounge room I didn't recognise. I was sitting on his sofa and he stood near me, holding out a bottle. "Would you like another drink?" He took a deep draught of his own, downing most of the bottle before he wiped his mouth and dropped the bottle on a side table.

  I watched his throat move as he swallowed. I wanted another drink, but I wanted him first. I struggled to my feet and stuck my arms around his neck, trying to kiss him again.

  He lifted his head out of my reach. "You’re drunk, angel. I don’t want to take advantage of you."

  "Not drunk, well, not quite," I managed to say with a giggle. "Very tipsy. I think I want to go to bed."

  "Sure, angel. Let me help you." He supported me as we walked together through his lounge room and into the passage to the bedrooms. It wasn’t wide enough for both of us together, so he moved behind me, tugging my waist-high skirt down to cover me as he did so.

  Annoyed, I yanked my stretchy dress up and up – over my bra and my head, so I stood in my underwear, with my dress dangling from my hand. I turned to face Nathan, whose eyes were huge as they stared down at the red bra between us. "Oh God," he murmured.

  I looked at him in consternation. Was he disgusted by what he saw? Would no one ever look at me like I was attractive again? Last night, he’d said…

  "God, you’re beautiful, Caitlin. You have no idea how hard it’s been, resisting you." The look in his eyes was one of longing.

  Is this what it’s like, to be truly loved by someone? I wondered. This isn’t just lust. I’ve seen plenty of that – m
ore than I ever care to.

  And me? I want Nathan.

  We kissed, long and lingering, until he lifted me in his arms and we began again. I felt the jolt of his footsteps as he carried me through a doorway, from the darkness in the passage to clumsily clicked-on light.

  The bed Nathan tenderly placed me on looked black, but as I looked around me I realised that it was a printed quilt cover, the black only a background illuminated by the millions of stars in the Milky Way. Take me to the stars, Nathan. Before he could straighten up, I pulled him down to the bed with me. He wasn’t clumsy – instead, he was careful to land beside me. He leaned over to kiss me again, one hand lightly stroking my neck.

  I moved by instinct, for I knew if I thought about this I’d back down and I didn’t want to. I had to know. I rolled, pushing him with me, so instead of lying side by side in the stars, I sat astride him. Stars beneath my knees and his bulging pants between my thighs. I caught his surprised eyes and reached back to unclip my bra, sliding it off to throw it to the floor.

  "Angel…" he said in wonder. With agonising slowness, he sat up so his breath was a warm breeze across my skin. "You know I’ll never hurt you, right?"

  I touched trembling hands to the back of his head and gave the slightest push. "I know," I breathed as his lips touched my breast.

  I needed to feel his skin against mine, not fabric. I pulled at his shirt and together we hoisted it over his head. His bare chest was as hard with muscle as mine was soft, but it was clear in his kisses that this didn’t bother him in the slightest. I undid his belt and slid that off, too. All that was between us were his pants and my g-string.

  Nathan sat up straight, his eyes level with mine. "I don’t want to take advantage of you," he whispered.

  "Last night you said any time, all I needed to do was ask. I’m asking now, Nathan." I could feel the drunken buzz fading, leaving me cold and naked in its wake. Somewhere inside, I felt terror that he was going to reject me. The longer he took, the greater was my desire to curl up in a little ball and give up. "Please?" It came out as a whisper.

  With his lingering kiss came relief. "For you, angel, anything. I’ll even keep my pants on. Tonight’s for you. I can wait."

  My brain was still fuzzy and I couldn’t work out what he meant. I didn’t resist as he lifted me to lay my head on a pillow. His hands stroked my knickers. "Are you sure?"

  I laid my hands on his, pushing his fingers into a hook between the stringy satin and the bony skin at my hips. Together we pulled them over my knees, down past my toes. I threw them on the floor. "Yes," I breathed. I'd never been so scared.

  Part 65

  Tied – Chris – Cornflakes – Coke – Superman – Death

  "Here, I brought you something to eat," Chris's voice hissed quietly. "Can you sit up?"

  Groggily, I struggled and groaned a little, to no avail. Plastic clattered on the concrete floor before his hands slid behind my back, supporting me as I tried to sit.

  A flash of pain. I gritted my teeth. I wouldn't let on how much it hurt.

  Even in the dark, he noticed something wasn’t right, but he didn’t mention it. He draped a blanket over my shoulders as he moved to sit partly behind me, so that his body supported my back.

  My instincts threatened to shrink away from even this benign body contact, but exhaustion got the better of me. My body sagged against him, with just a blanket between us. All the while, I told myself, He won’t hurt you. You don’t need to fight right now – just rest. Begging for it to be true.

  The clack of cutlery on plastic as some kind of cereal rustled. I registered that part of my pain was hunger and accepted a spoonful of whatever he offered.

  Stale, dry cornflakes. Like biting into the plastic packaging. I wanted to spit them out, but my mouth was too dry and I was too hungry. Tears dripped silently as I struggled to chew.

  He voiced an apology. "I looked, but that’s all there is. There’s no milk and they’ve run out of juice. All I found was Coke – here." The click and hiss of a can being opened, followed by the sound of many bubbles that meant it was warm.

  He pressed the can to my lips. Coke warmer than the temperature in the room ran down my chin and onto my legs, which the blanket didn’t cover. Bubbles burned into the cuts and bruises.

  It was too much. I started to sob and once I started, I couldn't stop.

  His arms crept around me in a cautious hug. He was careful to enclose the blanket in his embrace. Unlike the others, he didn't touch my skin at all.

  "It'll be okay," he whispered, sounding uncertain.

  "No it won't," I said between sobs.

  "You have to keep fighting. You can't let them win," he insisted.

  The tears flowed faster. "I can't any more. Please. Kill me now. Do it quickly, so they can't hurt me again. I’m begging you. Don't let them…don't let them…"

  "You have to hang on. I'll find a way to get you out of here. Both of us."

  "Your family…" I started to say, not sure how to finish.

  "I'll go to prison to protect them. But I can't kill you. I'll find some other way to protect them. I'll save you."

  Him and his Superman complex. He can't save me. He can't even save himself or his family.

  I almost laughed. "If you get me out of here alive, I swear I'll tell everyone from the police right up to the judge that you were a saint and my fellow captive – including how you saved my life."

  "What happened to telling them how horrible I am?" He sounded rueful. "Tell them whatever you like, as long as you hang in there, angel. I won't let them hurt you."

  A bit bloody late. What about how much I hurt already? Can you take that away, too?

  "You need your strength. Please, eat some more?" He sounded apologetic as his arms loosened.

  I heard him scrape another spoonful and opened my mouth dutifully.

  Eat. Drink. Let him help you rest and take some of the pain away. Let him help you keep your strength long enough to live and get out of here.

  If I stopped eating, would this be over sooner? No more pain?

  I pushed the traitorous thought away, forcing myself to crunch through the cornflakes and swallow.

  "When I get out of here, I'm never going to eat cornflakes again, stale or otherwise," I vowed vehemently, the anger more at my own thoughts than the decrepit cereal.

  The only way I'll leave here is if I'm dead. I have nothing left to lose.

  "Hold onto that thought." His voice sounded like it came through gritted teeth. "Here, this will help with the pain." More pills, washed down with warm Coke. I never thought to ask what was in them. I didn't care enough to ask. For a dark moment, I wanted more – enough to stop the pain forever.

  But I wouldn't ask. A drugged death was too uncertain. If I had to die, I wanted to take at least one of them with me. For that, I needed my strength. So I needed to eat cardboard cornflakes and drink the Coke to sustain me until I could make them pay, at least in part, for my pain.

  More cornflakes until the pills brought more oblivion.

  Part 66

  This was no fumble in a dark corner, at some school friend’s party with a clumsy boy I barely knew. Nor was this a brutal assault that would leave me bruised and broken. Nathan handled me lovingly, like delicate china.

  He held his weight off me, his body hovering above me as his lips kissed mine, then a line of soft kisses down my breasts, firmer as his mouth dipped lower. His gentle hands stroked my thighs, pushing them further apart. I found I was holding my breath in anticipation, but I cried out in shock at the unexpected rasp of his tongue over sensitive skin.

  "Caitlin, I don’t want to hurt you, or push you too far again. Angel, tell me if you want me to stop." His breath was warm on my skin as he spoke, so I barely heard the words. I couldn't decide if I was trembling with excitement or fear. His eyes looked at mine across the length of my body, worried.

  I forced myself to smile and slowly shook my head. "Don’t stop. Please, Nathan, don’t stop." F
or if you do and my courage fails, I'll curl up and never let you or anyone else touch me again.

  He didn’t stop again. Instead, he was wonderful.

  The first time was sudden and explosive. So lost in the sensation, I barely heard my own voice scream his name. I was too caught up in the vibration of his chuckling response.

  The second I thought I was more prepared for, a slow burn to a less powerful peak. I found I was lifting my hips to meet him as the warmth washed over me. His hands were firm beneath my backside, supporting me. "Let me improve on that, angel," he murmured and began again. The strokes were slower this time, a long, languorous selection of licking, sucking and stroking all blended together until I sobbed his name again. It struck me that I was sober and there was something else I wanted to do, for I felt so sensitive now I wasn’t sure I could take much more. His gentle fingers stroked me again, driving me mad.

  "Stop," I begged him. "I want you to kiss me."

  Nathan moved quickly from between my legs and off the bed. The hiss of released gas left me looking around in shock. Nathan gulped down half of one of my little vodka drinks and smiled. I wondered how he’d brought them to the bedroom. The bottle clunked to the bedside table as he crept across the bed back to me. His kisses tasted of lemon.

  "Thank you," I said when he paused for breath.

  "You’re welcome, angel. Any time…" he murmured, leaning in for another kiss.

  I kissed him and pushed him, all in one smooth motion as we rolled together. I was on top once more. I didn't have the courage to do this any other way. I wasn't sure I had the courage now. I gritted my teeth as I felt the heat of him between my legs. I was terrified.

  My heart rate still hadn't slowed and my very blood was buzzing from his touch. The least I could do was reciprocate.

  I kept kissing him as I unzipped his fly and undid the button. My hands under his bum, I dragged the dress pants down over his hips as he sat up in surprise. Something in my eyes stopped his protest before he gave it voice. "Condoms?" I murmured between kisses.