Coming in the house one night from visiting my birth grandmother on my mom’s side, in my limited wisdom I decided it was time to talk to my father about how I felt about how our lives had changed.
As we walked up 124th Street I asked, “Dad, do you think Frannie will come back?”
He looked down at me. “What made you ask about her? Have you seen her?”
“No.”
“Well, why you ask me about her? I told you when she left that she didn’t give a damn about us. She haven’t been around to check on you just like I told you she wouldn’t.”
“Yeah, well I sure miss her, especially because I don’t like Tina that much.”
All of a sudden he paused in his tracks. “What did you say?”
Knowing I’d put my foot in my mouth I wanted to retract. “Nothing. I ain’t say nothing.”
I thought he was about to hit me. Instead he grabbed my shoulders and said, “Listen up. When you get older you’ll understand, but right now you don’t. Women, you can’t depend on them. They use you up, they emotional and unstable. Look at your mother.” His voice was cracking as he preached to me. “I told her that we didn’t need to have a kid, but she insisted that she was going to do it, with or without me. Then what did she do? I’ll tell you what, she got hooked on crack and left you with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love you son. I know I don’t say it, but I do. But sometimes I got to live for me.”
He started walking again and I trailed him. He looked back to make sure I was close enough to hear him. “Tina makes me happy. That’s all you need to know. You don’t gotta understand and you ain’t got to like it, but that’s how it is.”
I was silent for the rest of our walk home. When we got to the front door he said, “Khalil, let me hold that money your grandmother gave you. I’ll give it back to you this weekend.” I realized just that quickly why he’d taken me over there for a visit in the first place. It wasn’t about me. It never was.
I handed the twenty to him knowing I’d never see it again. It was ten o’clock when we walked into the house. I headed straight to my room and closed the door. I buried my face in my pillow and started to cry. Even though my father told me to hate women because they’d never be there for you when it counted, the reality was that I hated him.
An hour later I was awakened by the sound of music blasting in the living room. Staring up at the ceiling I tried to drift back to sleep but my full bladder wouldn’t let me, so I got up and headed for the bathroom. On my way back I stepped out into the living room to see who was having the party, and was hit right in the face by the smell of marijuana. This didn’t shock me at all when I saw who was sitting there. What shocked me though was when I realized what Tenille was doing, or rather, had done. I recognized the other woman from up the hall. I’d heard my father call her Jasmine before when he spoke to her in passing. I always thought Jasmine was a pretty woman, tall and thin. She lived with another woman, who wasn’t as pretty and who never spoke.
Tenille was sitting on the couch with nothing but her bra on, which was hanging halfway off of her shoulders. All the while Jasmine was on her knees in front of Tenille and at first I thought she was kissing only her thighs. Tenille’s screams were so loud though that curiosity caused me to take a closer look to figure out what had caused her to react in such a dramatic way.
I was mesmerized as Jasmine kept her head buried between Tenille’s thighs. I’d heard of women being gay and I’d even seen magazines before, with two women doing things to each other, but seeing it in person was blowing my thirteen-year-old mind. My closer inspection revealed that Jasmine was kissing and licking Tenille between her legs like it was nobody’s business.
Neither of them noticed me as I stood back quietly amazed at the spectacle. I was in a trance as I watched for twenty minutes while they took turns kissing each other until Jasmine noticed me. “Hey, we got company,” she said, pulling away from Tenille.
Tenille looked up and yelled, “Get your ass back in that room.” Her tone scared me and I took off and headed for my room, closing the door.
I pulled my covers up over my head, confused, scared, and even angry that my father had allowed our home to become a place where strangers did drugs and had gay sex in the living room.
My hands wouldn’t stop trembling as I clutched my pillow tight and tried to forget what I’d just seen. The images kept flashing through my mind as I fought myself to relax. As I lay there I kept thinking of Jasmine’s naked body, which made me feel nervous inside. The apartment eventually went silent and I drifted off to sleep.
It must have been four in the morning when I felt someone touching me. Immediately I remembered how Frannie would come in my room and sit on my bed and read to me until I fell asleep. I called her name out in my state of half-sleep. “Frannie?”
“Shhhhhh,” she said. I opened my eyes and realized that it was Tenille sitting there. My heart began to beat like a kick drum when I realized she was rubbing on my chest.
“Please don’t hurt me,” I whispered. Then as my eyes adjusted to the small amount of light that crept into the room I noticed that she was naked.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Khalil. Just relax and let me take care of you.”
Take care of me? “I’m okay,” I said, voice cracking.
“Shhhhhhh,” she said again. “Don’t be scared,” she said as she stuck her hand down into my underwear. She kept repeating herself over and over again while she rubbed me.
My breathing was heavy at first out of fear but as she continued to rub me something began to happen to my young body. Without warning she began to yank on my underwear. I tried to grab them but felt her strength as she gripped my wrist and squeezed so hard that it hurt. At this point she pulled them off.
“Khalil, this is going to feel good. I promise.”
I don’t want to do this. Please stop. I wanted to scream out, but a part of me was actually starting to enjoy the sensations. I looked into Tenille’s face. She was nowhere near as bad as Tina in the looks department but she looked nothing like the women who I’d had crushes on either.
I tried to block out what was happening but when she climbed on top of me there was no way to ignore her actions. Out of nowhere I felt my penis enveloped in warmth and wetness. Tenille moaned out the same way she had earlier with Jasmine. I was having sex. Although I knew that one day I would, I always imagined it would be with a girl my age that I liked. My friends and I talked about it sometimes but none of them had ever been able to describe what I was feeling.
At that moment I hated Tenille. Even with the sensations that she was sending through my body, I hated her so much that I escaped her and what we were doing. I thought back to Frannie and how she cared about me. I began to imagine that it was her here doing this to me instead. Just like that, a calm came over me.
My breathing was getting heavier and Tenille was rising and landing on me at a more rapid pace. When she began to speak to me, “Fuck me. C’mon you lil’ bastard,” something inside of me broke.
I felt so good but so dirty at the same time. I closed my eyes as I broke from the inside out. I grunted and my belly began to sting and tingle at the same time. It was like nothing I ever imagined as it felt like my entire insides were on fire. Tenille began to cry out and I opened my eyes as I watched her cringe and gyrate until she collapsed on top of me.
As I tried to comprehend what had just happened she started trying to lick my ears and face. When she reached my mouth and stuck her tongue into what felt like my throat my stomach churned; I jerked away from her as I leaned over the bed and threw up.
Tenille got up off the bed, carefully avoiding the mess, and headed for my door. “You’d better clean that up,” she said as she reached for a pile of her clothing at my door.
I looked up at her and gave her a nasty look that I’m sure she missed. She dressed quickly and left without a care as if she’d come in my room and done nothing more than say good night. I felt violated and though I had nev
er looked at Tenille as someone who was supposed to care for me, she was an adult. By virtue of that fact alone I expected more. Adults were supposed to look out for children, not rape them or use them as Tenille had done me.
I wiped my mouth on my pillow and cried like a baby, upset at what my life had become. I had no idea at that moment what she’d actually done to me, because if I did, surely I would have cried harder.
5
HONEY
The day I saw Cheron was back in the house with Manny I started hanging out with Tank, but because of my mother I never even thought about letting him drive onto my block. I always went to wherever he was. Tank was different from Manny even though they were both the same age, twenty-one. Tank didn’t seem as intense as Manny and he always wanted to hang out and have fun. On top of that, instead of offering me money to do whatever I pleased, we shopped at the malls together. We spent so much time at Tyson’s II, Montgomery Mall, and Mazza Gallery it almost felt like we lived there.
Tank was so generous that I was having trouble stashing all of the clothes and shoes that he was buying me. He even gave me the money to get a two-way pager that only he had the number to. What amazed me was that he was doing all of this without getting any. I knew it was just a matter of time though and when I looked around my room at all the gifts, I was willing to give in whenever he asked. If Manny didn’t live across the hall I might have forgotten all about him, though strangely, all I saw for the entire time since I’d started seeing Tank was his and Cheron’s door. There hadn’t been a trace of him coming, going, or sitting on the balcony.
This routine of me meeting Tank in the morning, hanging out all day, and then him dropping me off at the corner went on for three weeks before he finally asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I’d try but it might be hard to pull off because of my mother and the tight leash she kept me on. I told him that she’d be out of town for a training class sometime in the next week or two and that I could tell her I planned to stay at Rorrie’s house and sneak out for the night since security was lax on her end. He agreed to wait until I could pull that off but in the meantime the shopping continued as it was until one day I decided to try my hand.
“Tank, I appreciate all the clothes but sometimes I like to shop with my girls. Do you think that you could just give me the money instead?”
He’d laughed. “What’s wrong, you don’t like shopping with me?”
“It’s not that but a girl likes to keep a little change in her pocket so that she can feel independent. Plus, I need to buy some girl things from time to time and it really isn’t all that comfortable to do that with someone else. Get it?”
He nodded. “Honey, I don’t got a problem with that.”
“Cool.” With that I leaned across the seat and gave him a soft, lingering kiss. We were headed back toward my neighborhood after having lunch at his favorite restaurant, Ruth’s Chris Steak House. I had gotten full of the steak and lobster tails and didn’t feel like the trek up the block. I knew my mother would still be at work so I directed Tank to my building for the first time.
When we stopped in front of my building in his all-black Acura coupe I knew all eyes were on us, but the windows were too dark to peer in. I was set to get out when he said, “Honey, hold on for a minute.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. I was expecting him to peel something off. Instead he handed the whole thing to me. I said, “Thanks,” as if I had been expecting it. Inside I was ecstatic.
“It’s all good, but do you think I can come in for a second? You said your mom won’t be home till six, right?”
It was only four so I shrugged my shoulders thinking that I might as well get it over with. “Yeah, but only for a minute.”
“Okay,” he replied, all smiles.
We climbed out and I nervously had him follow quickly inside. “Hold on for a minute,” I said and left him at the door. I ran into my room and did a quick inspection. I stuffed the money he gave me into the toe of one of an old pair of rubber boots that I kept in the back of my closet. Then I put my diary away as well as the R. Kelly scrapbook. I didn’t want to seem like a stupid young girl. But when it came to R. Kelly, I was just so into him and his new CD, 12 Play. Secretly I wanted to marry him but at fifteen I was smart enough to know that was simply a fantasy. There was nothing that a teenage girl could do to get the attention of a superstar like him.
Then I took off my skirt and the sleeveless linen top that I had on. Then I called Tank into my room as I pulled the curtains closed. When he walked in I was standing there dressed only in my panties, bra, and the sandals that I’d worn. The look on his face confirmed what I already knew.
He moved toward me and kissed me long and hard. When he pulled away he said, “Honey, you are so damned beautiful. I can’t believe you want me.”
I was puzzled. “Why would you say that? Any girl would like you Tank.”
He shook his head. “Well a lot of girls do, but you…you’re just different. I know most girls like me because of my money, but you could get any man you want with money.”
I smiled at his compliment. “You think so?” I smiled, hoping and truthfully believing he was right.
“Shit yeah. You fine as hell, got a super-sexy body, you dress real fly and your conversation is good. Plus you know how to make a man feel important. When we out, I see all the dudes checking you out. I know they be wishing they could have you.” I was speechless. “But they can’t afford you,” he said, laughing. “You just look like money.” Then he kissed me again as his comments lingered in my mind.
He didn’t have a condom but I let him do it anyway. Unlike Manny, Tank didn’t go down on me first. His piece wasn’t as big as Manny’s either but it was okay. I did the same movements with him that I did with Manny which seemed to be getting Tank really excited.
He started humping really fast which I took as a sign that he was ready to come so I said, “Don’t come in me.”
“Ohhhh, ohhh…shit.” Then he jumped up. “Turn over. I want to hit it from the back,” he commanded. I did and within seconds he was back inside. I had a clear view of the clock on my nightstand. He’d been at it for three minutes already, which was a record for me, when he grunted like a donkey and pulled out, squirting all over my back.
I jumped up and ran to get some toilet tissue as he fell onto his back. I cleaned up and brought him some. As he wiped off he shook his head in disbelief. “Honey, I’m in love with you,” he said out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say. “Did you hear me?” he asked.
“Yeah, I heard you, but I don’t believe you. I think it was just the sex.”
“No, no,” Tank said emphatically. “The sex was great, I mean better than great, but it’s more than that. I never wanted to give anyone my all like I do with you.”
I was getting uncomfortable with the love talk. I liked him, but I was more caught up with the things he was giving me and the power that I seemed to possess over him. “We gonna have to talk later,” I said, pointing to the clock.
“All right, we will.” I rushed him out the door and made sure there were no traces of him in the house.
Once he left, Rorrie came by and we laughed at him and his generosity. We didn’t intend to be malicious it was just the fact that we knew he’d probably been such a dog in the past. Aside from the fact that he wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, he had all the other trappings of a lady-killer.
I ended up giving Rorrie a hundred dollars so that she could buy an outfit for the Tevin Campbell and Mary J. Blige concert that Tank was taking us to the upcoming weekend.
“Thanks sis,” she said. “Or should I call you Honey.”
“You better call me Honey, ’cause you know it’s sweet.”
“Hell, I only know what you tell me. But from the looks of things, it must be.” She slapped me a high five as we sat Indian-style on the bed.
Tank persisted with the I-love-you talk for two weeks and kept trying to have sex with me with
out a condom. The second time I let him do it he blasted inside of me and I suspected that he was trying to get me pregnant. His excuse was that it was just too good to pull out.
I decided to put him on ice and stopped calling him and returning his calls. By this time I had over two thousand dollars saved and a shoe box full of telephone numbers that other guys had given me. Rorrie and I been sitting out front laughing about guys when we saw Manny’s Benz pull up. I hadn’t seen him coming or going in over a month, Cheron either. I was a little nervous that she might jump out and start something. I’d lied to Rorrie about my reaction so I knew I’d have to jump bad if she did.
I was relieved when Manny got out alone. I’d forgotten how good he looked as he made his way around the car. He walked toward us, staring me right in the eye.
“Hi, ladies,” he said.
“Hey,” we both said.
He kept it moving and walked straight into the building.
“Daaaaaamn, that man is fine,” Rorrie said once he was inside the building. “What’s up with you keeping it all short with him?”
“I’m not gonna press him,” I said. All the while I was hoping he’d noticed how good I was looking in the tight yellow jeans I was wearing and the sequined Guess tank top.
My heart did a cartwheel, a backflip, and a somersault when he came to the balcony and yelled out my name. “Hailey, come here for a minute.”
“Girl, let me go see what he want. You want to go chill up in my crib?”
“Nah, I’m gonna run home for a minute. I might want to come back and spend the night with you.”
“Cool, I’ll catch up with you later,” I said to my best friend.
“Call me,” she said.
Ten minutes later Manny and I were sitting on the couch as he told me what had been going on. He’d gotten locked up and so had Cheron. It turned out that he had three apartments besides this one that he used to stash drugs. Manny was a drug dealer and Cheron wasn’t even his main girlfriend. In fact, he had a wife, which made my heart sink a bit when he admitted it. Cheron knew about his wife, which was apparently the only reason why she’d gotten over what had happened between us. She’d known all along that she would never be the only one.
A Taste of Honey Page 3
