by C. A. Harms
Later that night we were all sitting in the living room and I caught Dylan staring at me a few times but when I made eye contact he would quickly look away. It left me puzzled, had I done something wrong? Was I that bad at kissing? When Casey and I went to bed that night I started feeling really self-conscious. "Payton I am here if you need to talk. You seem really quiet, listen I know people are talking but don’t let them get the best of you. Hell with them." I had to smile how was I so lucky to have Casey in my life, "It really isn't that Case I could care less about those people." Still not convinced she said, "Talk to me Payton don’t shut me out, we can't do that again you have to keep talking through your feelings and don't keep bottling them up....." I interrupted her ongoing ramble, "Dylan kissed me..." I paused a few seconds letting her take it in before continuing, "Today right before you and Carter came in and it wasn't just a quick little kiss. It was a Mind Blowing, give it all you have let me make love to your mouth kiss," for a second she looked a little ill. Then she swallowed hard and responded, "That's why you looked like you were in a state of shock when I came home today. So did he say anything?" I shook my head and continued, “He seemed so into it I mean he initiated the whole thing not that I am complaining at all because frankly you know that I have fantasized about it forever, but he pulled away quickly when the door jiggled and he heard you guys coming in. Then during the movie a couple times he was looking at me but once I made eye contact he looked away so fast. I think maybe I did something wrong." Casey made a couple gag noises in response to what she had just heard followed by a little giggle, "He is my brother and I can't believe that I am having this conversation about him, but first you didn’t do anything wrong he is just probably a bit shocked by it all, kind of like you are and he isn’t sure how to approach it give him a little time. Who knows maybe he thinks if I find out I'll be mad or something." We laid there next to one another and just to get her going I gave her a few details regarding the kiss and how amazing her brother is with his tongue she covered her ears and threatened me with bodily harm if I continued with any others details. We both laughed for a while making a few more comments back and forth and then I started to fall asleep but not before I heard Casey whisper, "I love that sound...your laugh I'm really glad it's back." I smiled and reached over as we locked pinkies and I responded, "Me to Casey, Me too." That night I fell asleep with sweet memories of Dylan lips on mine.
Chapter Seven
After a few days had passed I was really feeling strange around Dylan. He hadn't yet talked to me. He would find ways to avoid me he started spending a lot of time staying busy with friends and school…really anything that would keep him away from me. I constantly had a feeling of insecurity. Casey was really frustrated that the kiss between us even happened because as she puts it now...'There is a huge elephant in the room that she can’t say anything about'. I felt really out of place constantly. I found myself hiding out mostly making the chances of bumping into him during a midnight trip to the kitchen impossible. During the next week things began to happen. Charges were placed and filed on both John and also Roger the man who had attacked me. Apparently Roger had a previous record of sexual assault and was placed in jail to serve time again. A restraining order was in effect on John and for once I felt safe from him. About a week later John was picked up leaving a bar for DUI, after punching an officer and striking another one with a pipe he had retrieved from the bed of his truck then trying to flee on foot he was placed in jail and now will definitely serve time.
He couldn’t touch me!
Casey was spending a lot of time lately with Seth he felt left out...Poor Guy. Carter and I spent time playing video games I became really good at a number of war games and could really hold my own on NBA games. School had become easier people stopped talking about me after stories stopped appearing in the paper about the whole situation. They found other things to talk about. I buried myself in homework most evenings in between video games and helping with my share of the chores Karen left for us to do. I didn't mind helping in any way I could, Karen offered me a real home and the fear of abuse was gone. I never found myself looking over my shoulder.
Winter activities were approaching and the weather was changing fast. Karen took me and Casey shopping often, I always felt horrible about her buying me things. She insisted that she get me a cell phone added to her plan. I had never had a cell phone before. I started dressing more like a girl and feeling better about myself. I actually started doing my hair and wearing makeup. Even if I was trying to get Dylan to pay attention to me more I still felt better walking into a room and having people actually notice me. For the first time in my life I actually started to feel like I belonged.
John had actually spent some real quality time with my old Camry after he was released from jail that first night I left. He removed all the wheels and used a sledge hammer to break out all the windows, headlights and Tail lights. He then used a spray can to decorate it all up with some real catchy phrases. "You little whore", "Rot in Hell", "Little Bitch"...etc. and then dumped rotting garbage throughout the entire thing. Needless to say that to fix everything he had damaged it would have cost more than what it was worth. I was able to get some things from the house and the case worker was waiting for the paperwork to be completed to allow me to get the rest even though I was pretty sure after John's Camry Masterpiece there really wasn’t going to be much I would be able to get. I decided to get a job to be able to buy my own things and stop Karen from trying to make up for what my parents had done to me in my life. I knew it wouldn't completely stop her from buying me things but at least I could try to cut it back a little. I got a part time job at a Cafe serving coffee. It was a relaxing little place ran by an older couple. People would bring a good book order a cup of coffee and relax. The owners Mr. and Mrs. Martin were so friendly and relaxed. I actually looked forward to going in after school and seeing them. Casey would drop me off after school on most nights or I would use Karen’s car when she didn’t need it.
The winter dance at school was coming up and I really wasn't as hyped up as Casey and most of the other girls were about it. The guy that I would have loved to go with is now the same guy who is ignoring me and regrets our first kiss. I really hadn’t planned on even going. Of course Casey wasn't having that I was going or she wasn't! Seth was a little aggravated about that decision so I figured I would make it easier on him and tag along as a third wheel. That was the story of my life...the outsider.
I was sitting in study hall last period on a Friday and my phone vibrated in my bag. I checked the text message of course from Casey "TODD IS GOING TO ASK YOU TO THE DANCE!!!" I stared at the screen for a minute before replying
"How do you know?"
Almost immediately she responded, "He told Seth 2day at lunch...we can double!!!"
"K" was all I could think to say.
It would be nice to actually have a date instead of feeling like a tag along with Casey and Seth. But I couldn’t help it that my heart still sank when I thought about the fact that the guy I would be dancing with wouldn't be Dylan. After school I walked to Casey’s car waiting for my ride to work. I could see Todd, Casey and Seth were approaching as I leaned against the passenger side.
Casey grinning from ear to ear walked up and smiled at me as her and Seth said their goodbyes. Todd walked around the front of the car and then leaned against the door with me he lightly nudge my shoulder with his, "How do you stand that, it looks like they're gonna swallow each other." I laughed pulling away from the car now that it was unlock to get ready to leave when Todd quickly said, "Hey Payton, um I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the dance me...I wasn't really going to go but then when I found out that you'd be going I thought maybe we could go together." He was beginning to ramble and to save him from continue any further I responded by saying, "Sure why not."
Casey dropped me off at work and told me she would be back at 8:30 pm to get me. Work went pretty fast. I cleaned up after we closed at 8 and told
Mr. Martin I was leaving when I walked out front I looked around for Casey's car and then that's when I saw him. Dylan was sitting in his truck waiting, looking at me threw the opened window. My heart skipped a beat, my mouth became dry and for a second I actually felt like my legs were made of concrete. I wasn’t sure I could move, he hadn't said more than two words for almost two months and now here he was picking me up. My eyes connected with his and he smiled. I took a deep breath and walked over to his truck. After I got in he looked at me still smiling, "Hi." That was it really after we kissed and then he ignored me for months that’s all I get. Smiling in return but not replying he started the truck and we drove home in silence.
After coming to a stop in the driveway I grabbed the handle to get out and he reached out to place his hand on my arm. With the contact my heart raced I wasn’t sure what to say, what not to say, how to act...anything. "Payton wait," he removed his hand from my arm as quickly as he had placed it on me. I turned my head slightly toward him my body still slanted outward. I just looked at him waiting for him to continue. He placed his hands on his steering wheel and squeezed. He looked out toward the house as if he was trying to figure out what to say. I had butterflies, maybe he was going to tell me he loved me and that he had for so long just wasn't sure how to tell me....maybe just maybe for once someone could love me the way I loved them..., just maybe. He took a deep breath and then crushed my hopes. "Payton, I never should have kissed that day in the kitchen it was wrong of me. Your only 17 and your my sisters best friend. It was a mistake, I am so embarrassed that....." I cut him off I couldn’t take anymore I was on the verge of losing it. I had to get out of here and quickly. I held up my hand as to wave it off, "Wow Dylan seriously, don’t worry about it honestly it was no big deal." I slid out of the truck and went for the house I never looked back I went straight for the bathroom, turned on the shower, after climbing in I sat down on the floor as the water hit my body and face. I cried silently for what must have been too long. Casey knocked on the door bringing me back to reality. "Payton are you okay? You've been in there awhile," I looked down at my hands and saw they were wrinkled and then I noticed the water had started to cool. "Yeah, I'll be right out,” I yelled back to her as I washed my hair and body quickly. Climbing out of the shower I dried off and wrapped a towel around my body. I rushed out of the door as Dylan was coming down the hallway. I didn’t want him to see that I was crying. "Did you save any hot water?" he said with a little laugh. Casey hollered at Carter to stop being a pest from down the hall which caused me to look up and then he seen my face. Dylan gripped both of my shoulders looking very concerned he said, "Payton are you okay," slightly bending at the knees to be closer to my level. "I’m fine really" saying in response and I practically ran to Casey’s room and shut the door behind me.
One look at my face and Casey knew something had happened. "What happened, what’d he say to you? I was wondering why he volunteered to pick you up from work. What did he do?" She demanded standing up from her bed and reaching for the door handle. I stopped her quickly, "Case stop please just stop. It was me I thought it was more than it really was. I thought the kiss meant something but it didn't it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing that he wishes he could take back." I walked over to the bed still wrapped in the towel and I sat on the edge looking up at her she finally joined me on the bed. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders leaning her head in to rest against mine, "Payton he's an idiot, a jerk. How could he not see how wonderful you are, how lucky he would be to have you. It's his loss honey, he doesn't deserve you." She kept her hold on me as I cried a little longer. How could I be so stupid to think that Dylan would actually be interested in a high school girl!
I made a decision that night I was no longer going to live in the past I was going to move forward and leave it all behind. The saddest part about that decision was that also meant leaving behind Dylan and the feelings I have had for him for the last four and a half years maybe even longer. I had to except that I was just not someone he could feel that way about in return. I went to sleep that night with a promise made to myself to stop allowing people to hurt me. To start living!
Chapter Eight
Saturday morning Casey and I had decided to invite over Todd and Seth to watch movies. Karen had made plans with some friends and was going to be gone most of the day and then had to work this evening. Carter went to spend the night with a friend and Dylan was still in bed. The guys had decided to come over about one. Casey ordered pizza to be delivered. We were sitting in the kitchen talking about the fact that we had let Seth and Todd pick out the movies on the way over worrying if we were about to be subjected to a day of murder and gore. We both looked up to see Dylan stumbling into the kitchen still half asleep. He was wearing a pair of shorts and his hair was still tousled and sticking up from sleeping. He rubbed his eyes yawned and went straight to the refrigerator. As he turned around after grabbing the gallon of milk and setting it on the counter he looked me straight in the eyes. He smiled of course the sexy little grin that gets me every time. I looked at Casey quickly and she could tell without even asking that I was instantly nervous and anxious in his presence. In her own way she decided to push some buttons, "There’s pizza on the way, mom told me to order four. You can only have one though," she said to him with a snotty like smirk. He looked at her squinting still from just getting up, "So what, now you and Payton are eating like a couple of guys or what?" She looked at me winked and then replied with, "No actually we have a couple of hunky guys coming over to share them with us." After looking at me and then back to Casey still looking for an answer without asking who these guys were..."Seth and Payton's date to the winter dance and future boyfriend Todd. He really likes her and I think he may actually make it official today.” She turned back to me saying, "You know that he’s liked you since like freshman year right. He went on and on the other day in chemistry about how pretty you are and that you make him so nervous. I think it is so cute." Dylan finished pouring his milk, put the remaining back into the fridge and left the room. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I demanded looking straight at Casey. She shrugged stood up from the table leaned over really close to me and stated, "Make him jealous Payton. Act like you could care less about him…that what happened is the last thing on your mind...believe me!" She walked from the room to answer the now ringing doorbell.
"Your pizza is on the counter Jerk", Casey yelled up the stairs before carrying the remaining three into the family room. She had an agenda today. I could see it in her I just wasn't quite sure what all it consisted of but I had a feeling I was about to find out. I was dressed to relax. We were both wearing short little shorts and fitted T-shirts feeling all cute and girly. About 15 minutes after the pizza arrived. Casey ran upstairs to let them in. As they walked through the entry of the family room Todd looked directly at me smiling. I had to admit he wasn’t bad looking. He was about 5'11, 165 pounds, dark hair and dark eyes he even had a warm smile. They dug into the pizza once Casey pointed to the table. She and I looked through the movie selection. "Wow Guys not to bad I mean there not to gory," I said looking there way. After we finished the pizza Casey announced that she had some other ideas of entertainment too. Oh no! Here we go I thought to myself the AGENDA! She pulled out Twister the game. Of course Casey and Seth went first. Todd and I got to spin and announced there next color. It would have been so much easier to accomplish if they could have kept their mouth and hands off one another. They fell to the ground and continued to make out. I looked at Todd and we both wrinkled our noses and at pretty much the same time said, "Get a room already!" Our turn was next and after a few spins I could tell Seth and Casey were cheating with the selections because before I knew it they had Todd and I all tangled up with one another. I refused to let him win though even when the next selection had forced me to straddle him and practically lay on top of him. I could tell by the look on his face he really didn’t mind. Our faces were just inches apart. When he licked his lips I felt a flutter of nervous but
terflies within my stomach. He was watching my lips as I bit down in nervousness. A moment later I was startled by someone clearing their throat. We all looked up to see Dylan standing in the doorway of the Family Room staring at the tangled mess that Todd and I seemed to be wrapped in. "That looks like fun, I'll challenge Payton next," he said without a smile staring straight into my eyes. What was his problem? He stood there watching as Todd and I finished our match which made our closeness really uncomfortable. After a few more minutes apparently Todd's Back had rested on the mat briefly and Casey called him on it. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me with him as he laid down the rest of the way.
I was laying there completely on top of Todd his arm still wrapped around me and our lips just barely apart. Looking directly into my eyes he stretched his face up to mine whispering, "If I'm going down your coming with me," and then he kissed me. Lightly, quickly but very sweetly and for a split second I forgot where we were until I was brought back by Casey’s little giggle. Dylan saying a little too cocky..."Well isn’t that sweet".
I pulled away and stood up smoothing my hair and then reaching out to Todd who still laid on the floor all dreamy eyed. When he stood up he leaned in a whispered, "I really like you Payton". I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks and not because of the comment from Todd but because Dylan was staring directly at us making me feel like I was doing something very wrong. I excused myself to go to the bathroom I needed to calm my nerves. I brushed passed Dylan practically running down the hall closing the door to the bathroom behind me. I was splashing water on my face when I looked up to see the door come open and Dylan walk in. He closed the door behind him. Brushing his hand threw his hair and looking completely frustrated. I turned to face him and was about to ask him what the hell was his problem when he leaped forward quickly placing one of his hands on each side of my face then bringing his mouth over mine. I surrendered to his kiss once again and was lost. It felt amazing, so warm and tender but with such urgency…his tongue rolling with mine so naturally. He traced his hands down my arms and finally stopping to rest on my hips pulling me in closer. I brought my hands up to his hair running my fingers threw it very softly. The breaths between us began to speed up and the kisses became even more heated and more sexual. He gripped my hips tightly and when I felt the hardness on my stomach I knew he was turned on. He kissed down my neck and then back up to my lips. He sucked lightly on my lower lip and I was lost in the moment until he pulled back quickly. I thought for a minute that maybe Casey was coming in, but when the door didn’t open I looked back at him. I was waiting for something, any explanation. He met my gaze and said, "God Payton I’m sorry, I don’t know why I just did that.” I stood there looking back at him and felt hurt, "You don’t know why you kissed me or why you stopped?" I demanded. He looked from the floor to me then back to the floor and replied, "I shouldn’t have kissed you again it isn't fair to you." I turned to the door squeezing the handle and walked out slamming it behind me.
