by C. J. Wells
Pasting on the eerily warm smile of a Stepford Wife, Julia touches his arm gently, “Alex, are you sure this is something you want to know the answer to? Some things are better left alone.”
Flinching at her touch, he jerks his arm away, the coldness of it blowing towards me like an arctic wind. “Enough fucking games,” his tone is firm and much too elevated.
“Jesus Christ, Alex,” she whispers, turning quickly towards the nurse’s station, their avid gazes now upon us. “Is there somewhere we can go to talk privately?” she asks them, smiling.
Nodding, a nurse motions for us to follow her down the hall.
“After you,” Alex sneers to Julia, grabbing my arm to pull me from the chair, dragging me along with him. I struggle to keep up.
“You have to understand,” she begins as soon as we’re behind the closed door of the empty room, “…this is not something I ever wanted to discuss, Alex. I need to ask, please, let this go.”
“Do you have any fucking idea how much I want to let this go?” he snarls. “I honestly don’t give a shit who you fucked, Julia. I don’t relish the fucking sordid details of your cheating ass story. But to lie and say it was Ben? My best friend!”
I’m surprised to see Julia flinch - an eerily odd momentary blip of her stone demeanor.
“Don’t you see? This is all on the table - the past pulled out for discussion - all because of her,” she motions towards me as though I were a pile of garbage ready to be put out on the curb. “Ben never outright said he was with me, she made that assumption. And to that end, I too, never offered confirmation myself.”
“Ben didn’t deny it! And neither did you!” I argue in desperation. I’m so fucked.
Ignoring my presence completely, Alex continues as though I’ve said nothing. “I swear to God, Julia, if you don’t stop dancing around this bullshit…”
“Yes!” she exclaims, interrupting him. “This is bullshit. Bullshit we’ve all moved past. Leave it there, Alex.”
“Fuck you. We could have done just that the day I confronted you. You had the opportunity right then and there to correct the implication.”
Julia’s wall of composure instantly crumbles before our eyes, her gaze suddenly crazed with her own recognition, and I, too, see why. She’s just realized that her split second decision to run with the Ben lie has now blown up in her face. Had she just denied it, told him outright that it wasn’t Ben, that I’d been mistaken, Alex would never have asked her to delve further. He never wanted to know the details. Her rash choice led us down this path. It’s a dead end, and there’s no turning back. Who has to lay in their own bed now, bitch?
“I’m losing my patience, Julia,” Alex growls at her lack of reply. “Why didn’t you fucking deny it?”
She flinches at his harshness, her brave mask no longer a shield, her stone cold demeanor replaced with a contorted gaze of dread and panic. Though, when she looks towards me, I catch a glimpse of the underlying contempt. It’s an eerie sight to see, to witness this woman fighting an obvious inner battle of strength against…compassion? At least that’s what I think I see when she looks back to Alex.
“This is my career…your career. This should have stayed in the past,” she looks towards me once more.
“God dammit, what are you talking about?” Alex grabs her arms to force her gaze. “Why didn’t you deny being with Ben?” Staring into her eyes, his jaw clenches in the silence.
“I saw an opportunity and I took it,” she finally mumbles, almost incoherently. “It was a chance to fill a gap in the story…”
“Just fucking tell me why you lied!” he spits, a slight shake of her in his hold.
“Because I didn’t cheat on you!”
What?
Alex recoils, his body renouncing her proximity with a sudden release of her arms, a step backwards akin to the jolt of a magnetic rejection.
Julia’s hand darts to her mouth as though the admission burned her lips.
What the hell is she saying? My gaze ricochets between them, torn between Alex’s confused torture and Julia’s twisted battle for composure. You can visibly see the wheels turning so palpably through her desperate mind. I don’t understand it. The woman that warned me that I would be the one to learn a painful lesson if this all came out, is now burning in an agonizing fire of her own.
“I didn’t mean…I…” she’s grasping, frantically searching for her mask of control.
I barely recognize the woman standing before me. It’s not the Julia I’ve come to know. She’s suddenly fragile, her soft, almost caring tone foreign to my ears. And the way she’s looking at Alex, there’s suddenly something there that I’ve never seen before. And it scares me.
“You didn’t cheat on me?”
I look towards Alex at his question; spoken with such bewildered calm it sends shivers down my spine.
“Why? Why, Julia? What are you saying?” his anger builds with every word released. “You told me yourself…you told me you cheated on me!”
“Alex, they knew…they knew you’d purchased an engagement ring,” she looks down momentarily, before returning to his gaze. “They…”
“Who?” The word is thrown from his lips on a gutted breath.
“The agency. They said it wasn’t good for your career…not the right time. I was ordered to put my job, your career, ahead of…us. They gave me no choice, Alex! I had to end it! I knew you wouldn’t let me go…not unless I gave you reason. Not unless I-I broke your heart.”
Alex stumbles a little, his eyes bulging beneath the enormous strain of his twisted brows. I can’t pull my gaze from him, fighting to hold strength in my own legs against the dizzying pull of the air around me.
“You knew I was going to propose to you?” he asks her, the question slashing through me to reveal the pain she foretold.
“Once they told me, yes. They showed me the photographs of you at the jewelry boutique…”
“Photographs? How did they get…That wasn’t released in the media.”
“They have their own photographers, Alex. You pay them to look out for your career.”
“My career, NOT my personal life!”
“Your image is your career,” her statement is filled with pain. Her own pain. Oh, God. She still loves him. She never stopped loving him…
“And you? You ended it, left me…to save your career?”
“No! I did it for you! Alex, you have to understand…” she pleads, reaching out to him.
Turning away from her in disgust, he opens the door with enough force to shake it on its hinges, storming out into the hallway.
I bolt to follow him as Julia grabs my arm.
“Are you happy now?” she spews with a lethal cocktail of venom and pain.
Wrenching myself free from her grip, I run to catch up with him.
“Alex,” I call out him as he slams the button for the elevator.
He says nothing as I reach his side, the doors opening in the ghostly silence of the empty vestibule. Stepping inside, he bangs the panel to take us to the ground floor.
Instinctively, I reach for his arm, his flinching shake of me sending a ripple of painful terror down my core. “I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t,” he barks, staring straight ahead. “My best friend could have fucking died. And you,” he turns his crazed gaze towards me, “…you are no different than her...” he trails off, battling with his emotions. I know he’s lashing out at me in pain.
Closing my eyes, I try to fight my guilt. My fear. I’m trembling inside, knowing the role I’ve played in his hurt right now. Not telling him what Julia said about Ben using drugs, regardless if I thought she was lying, forcing Julia’s hand with the cheating scandal. My God. I’ve reopened a wound. A wound so deep, its depth of pain so clearly shared between the two of them that I feel I’m falling into its black hole. She still loves him. Does he still love her?
The elevator doors are barely open before Alex bursts through, heading straight for the front entrance
as I follow, my pace to keep up heavy and painful.
“There they are!”
“Alexander!” The camera flashes explode through the evening dusk in a blinding storm.
“Is it true that Benedict Arnold overdosed?”
“Mr. Tate! Mr. Tate! Was it an attempted suicide?”
Alex grabs my arm, forcefully ushering us through the throng of paparazzi to reach his car.
“Did you know that Mr. Arnold was an addict, Mr. Tate?”
Flinching at the question, Alex glares at me, his eyes screaming his unspoken answer, No, I didn’t know because you didn’t fucking tell me. He releases his hold of me with a slight shove; so slight it’s masked to those around us, yet enough to slash through my heart.
“Does it have anything to do with your bar brawl last month?” the man in nearest proximity calls out.
Alex turns, slamming his fist at the camera. The damage is minimal, though stirs a cluster of reactive comments. He doesn’t bother opening my door as he usually does, making his way around to the driver’s side.
“Alex…” I begin in the privacy of the vehicle.
“Don’t say another fucking word right now,” he orders, not looking at me. The rage in his face is unfathomable. I’ve never seen him this angry. NEVER.
He screeches the tires pulling out into the road. I’m amazed we aren’t pulled over by police, as he races through the streets. I’m almost afraid to ask where we’re going before I realize he’s heading in the direction of my flat.
After a whirlwind of Nascar-like maneuvers, amid dread-filled slow passing time, he pulls the car up at the curb. For moments, he sits calmly, and I open my mouth to speak, praying he’ll at least talk to me…
“Get the fuck out, Aby,” he orders with venomous spit, still withholding his gaze.
“What?”
I’m shocked at the anger in his eyes as he turns his head to face me. No longer baby blue, they’re a stormy sapphire, burning with a rage I couldn’t imagine he could emit. “I said, get the fuck out of my car.”
“No!” I spurt mechanically, shaking my head, trying to understand what he’s saying, scrambling to find more words of my own.
With an annoyed sigh, he abruptly removes his seatbelt to get out of the car before making his way to my door. Flinging it open, he reaches in swiftly to release my belt, aggressively pulling me out by the arm.
“Alex, you’re hurting me,” I attempt to twist from his grip to no avail as he pulls me aside to slam the door shut.
Grabbing my other arm, he pins me against the vehicle. “Hurting you?” he questions incredulously, his face nose-to-nose with mine, “I thought you liked a little alter-ego play?” Maneuvering quickly, he takes both of my wrists in his one large hand, his other free to grope my behind before sliding his way up to my neck.
How the hell can I be trembling in fear and lust in the same moment? I’m petrified. Yet so filled with love and sexual yearning, my head is spinning.
Grabbing my chin, he firmly turns my face to the side, his lips brushing my ear. “Your fucking lying is what hurt you. Not me,” he whispers huskily. “And I’m not going to stick around to let you hurt me one more time.”
I gasp as he releases me and pulls away, gravity suddenly pulling my entire being as I strain to remain upright.
Adrenaline kicks into gear as he makes his way back around to the driver’s side, and I race after him. “Alex, wait! Don’t do this. We need to talk!” I scream, reaching him.
“I don’t have anything else to say. And I think you’ve had enough time to say anything and everything you should have,” he opens the car door.
I frantically continue pleading, “Alex, please, let me explain…”
Slamming it once more with the palm of his hand, he turns towards me, “What is there to explain? You promised you would never lie to me again. Remember? Right after you promised you wouldn’t leave me, but did anyway.”
“Please, it’s not that simple…I…You…We need to talk about what just happened. Please, just come inside.”
“Aby? You’re back.” We look to find Andrew walking towards us. “Is everything okay?” he asks, clearly feeling the tension in the air.
Alex sniffs a laugh, “There you go, perfect timing. Now you can go inside and explain your hurt away to your good little friend.” Opening the door once more, he climbs inside.
“Alex, don’t go!” I scream as he revs the engine, pulling away from the curb before driving off.
“ABY…I DON’T even know what to say.”
“Well, that makes me feel better,” I mumble, sarcastically. “Stacey Stevenson at a loss for words. It can’t get any worse than this.”
“Bitchy humor, good for you!” Stacey quips, obviously grasping at straws. “Oh, wait, me speechless and you being funny…Shit. I think this means the world has turned upside down.”
“No,” I sigh, “…just my world.”
“That’s not exactly true, my little ginger snap. I’m pretty sure Alex’s world is pretty fucked right now. Even Julia Cox-sucker’s…that…ugh…I’d call her a whore, but you and I both know nobody would ever pay for that shit.”
I laugh through a lingering ball-your-eyes-out hiccup. “Thanks for trying to make me laugh, Stace.”
“Oh, buttercup, I’d do anything for you. I’d pee on your jellyfish sting.”
This time my laugh is half-hearted, my drained emotional lament reaching the pit of its spiral to twist its way back up again. I’m exhausted. Having cried off and on all night, I was a blubbering mess when Stacey returned my call this morning. It took several attempts of explaining and re-explaining for her to decipher my crazed detailing. Eventually, my emotional eruption simmered out, leaving me to wallow in the numbness of the lingering ashes. But as with any volcano, you never know when the lava will spill over, and I brace myself, feeling it bubbling once more. “She still loves him.”
“Aby, don’t do this to yourself.”
“What if he still loves her? He was going to propose, Stacey,” newly formed tears stream down my cheeks.
“That’s in the past, Abs. It was years ago. Yes, it’s something he has to deal with - a door reopened, but, sweetie, he will close it again. You’re his present. He loves you,” she pauses at the chime of my doorbell. “Are you expecting someone?”
“No.” My heart lodges in my throat. Oh, God. “What if it’s Alex?”
“Okay, listen to me. Stay calm. Go answer the door. Hear him out. Give him shit for the way he treated you - cause that’s not cool, babe - and then hug him. Pull out your tits and flash him a smile, I think he needs it.”
“I-I don’t know what to say to him. What do I say, Stace?”
“Be, honest, and listen honestly. And, babe, try to dial down the defensive diarrhea mouth. Call me as soon as you can, okay? I love you!”
“I love you too, Stace.” Ending the call, I swipe at my tear-stained cheeks, walking to the door, taking a deep breath as I open it.
“Hey,” Andrew smiles bearing coffee, his smile full of concern. “You okay?”
Releasing the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding, I take the cup with a forced smile. “I’ve been better. Thanks,” I mutter, still trying to decide if I’m relieved or disappointed to find Andrew instead of Alex.
“What can I do?” he asks, shrugging his shoulders slightly - a testament that he’s well aware there is nothing he can really do, but he’s offering anyway.
“Can you turn back time?” I ask, motioning for him to come on in, turning to make my way back to the sofa.
“I assure you, if I could, I would definitely include that on my business card.” With a wry smile, he sits down beside me. “My shoulders are free, though, if you need one.”
I grin slightly in return, remembering the last time I cried on his shoulder. “I’m not sure I have any tears left to fall. The well is a little dry at this point.”
“Well, I promise I’m not going to ask you to tell me what happened. Yo
u kinda made it pretty clear last night that…”
“It’s none of your business,” I repeat the words I suddenly remember lashing towards him, covering my mouth with my hand at the horrible memory. “I’m so sorry,” I manage.
“Don’t be. You were right. It was none of my business. And it still isn’t, but I needed to make sure you were okay. Are you okay?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure. I’m a little numb, actually.”
“I’m sorry,” he flashes a smile of pity.
“Why? It’s not your fault.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” I cock my head, confused.
“Well, it’s just that Alex rushed off last night just when I showed up,” he looks down awkwardly.
“No, no. Don’t even think that. It was just bad timing…it had nothing to do with you.”
“Well, that’s a relief. I’d hate to think I made things worse for you.”
Andrew’s words float through my head, inadvertently setting off a replay all of the run-ins I’ve had with Alex as a result of Andrew - the many misunderstood situations that he’s found Andrew and I in. Of course Andrew’s right. His presence last night, potentially at the worst possible moment, probably did make it worse.
Perception is everything…Alex’s words inflate my remorse, guilt seeping through my pores. Though my intent towards Andrew is innocent, I never stop to think about how it makes Alex feel. And even in this moment, when Andrew’s presence here is one hundred percent friend-based, I know that if Alex were to show up right now, it would surely make matters ten times worse.
Suddenly, I need Andrew gone. “Ummm, yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it, Andrew. But you know what, it’s been a rough day so far and I’m exhausted. Thanks so much for the coffee, but do you think we could visit another time?” I question in the most innocent tone I can muster.
“Of course, I’ll leave you to it. Just promise me that you’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do, okay?” he pushes himself up, making his way to the door.
“That’s very sweet of you, but I’m pretty sure there is nothing you can do to help me with this one.”
