by Jordan Marie
I swore when I got sober and walked away from my past, I’d leave it there. I literally killed to leave it in my past. Still, the memories taint everything. I might be sober, I might have walked away from that life and chosen to live, but I don’t think I’ll ever be clean.
“Allen?” Jessie whispers, bringing my attention back to her. She reaches out a hand to me. “I don’t know where you went just now,” she says, her voice still soft.
“Jessie—”
“But I’m asking you right now to come back to me, Allen. Stay with me,” she says and I find myself putting my hand in hers and joining her on the bed.
For now, at least, my past is held back by the simple touch of a woman who soothes my soul like nothing ever has before.
14
Jessie
For a moment, Allen looked completely lost. It was like he completely left the room, even though his body was here with me. There was despair on his face, so stark and clear it was painful to see. I don’t know what is going on with him, but I know it’s hurting him and I want to soothe that—if only for tonight.
He gets down on the bed with me and I hold his face, letting my fingers rub against his soft beard. His body is warm, and it soothes the nerves thrumming through me.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell him, his dark eyes burning me with their intensity. His large body against mine feels solid and huge, but safe at the same time. His tattoos are wrapped around his body, telling stories that I can only guess at, but stories that I want to hear.
“I think that’s my line, Mouse,” he murmurs, and his arms go around me as he kisses my forehead gently. He settles on his back, and gently pulls my body over him, so I’m lying on him.
“I should probably confess something, Allen.”
“What’s that, sweetheart?” he asks. He slides his fingers into my hair and then moves them down to gently touch my face.
“I’m kind of new to this,” I tell him quietly. His body goes still and I’m afraid I screwed up telling him that.
“How new?” he asks.
“I’m…”
“Jessie?” he prompts when I trail off, feeling out of my depth.
“I’m a virgin.”
“Maybe… I mean, your first time should be with…”
“You. I want it with you, Allen. No one else.”
“I don’t know if I’m the right person…”
“You don’t want me?” I ask, suddenly feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I go to move off of him, my arm going down to shield my breasts. His fingers bite into my hip, refusing to let me leave.
“I want you more than you will ever know, Jessie, and that’s the God’s honest truth.”
“Then I don’t understand,” I tell him. I’m trying to wade through the crazy mixed signals he keeps giving me, but I’m lost.
“Virginity is special, Jessie.” His words make the heat I feel intensify. I know I’m blushing, but I do my best to fight through my embarrassment.
“Would you rather I give it to another man? Would that make me more appealing?” I mutter, sounding and feeling annoyed. I mean, I know there aren’t many virgins left in today’s world—especially my age. But that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of freak.
“Fuck no. Jesus, I keep screwing this up,” Allen growls and I don’t reply, because he’s not wrong and I’m getting dizzy trying to understand. “You should be able to give your virginity to a man you love and one who will be by your side. Not a man you know almost nothing about and who has to go back to Miami tomorrow.”
“Miami’s not that far away, Allen. It’s in the same state.”
“It’s over five hours, Jessie.”
“I’m confused. Are you trying to talk me out of having sex with you, or are you trying to make it clear you have no intention of continuing our relationship after tonight?”
“Jessie, I just don’t want to lead you on. My life is… complicated.”
“I think I should go get dressed. If my being a virgin freaks you out so much I’ll find someone who—”
I don’t get the words out because Allen’s hand tightens in my hair, wrapping it around his fingers and holding me prisoner. Then he takes my mouth almost violently. His tongue pushes between my lips without waiting for an invitation. He ravages me, taking the kiss over and holding me right where he wants me.
“I don’t want you with another man, Jessie. I don’t want you with anyone but me,” he growls when we break apart. He flips us so that I’m on the bottom now and he’s over me, his face looking almost angry. “I don’t want anyone touching you,” he adds.
“I don’t either, Allen, just you,” I tell him, giving him the complete truth.
He stares at me intently before he bends his head and sucks my nipple into his mouth. I cry in shock. I wasn’t expecting it, but also it feels so good my body trembles in response. His tongue wraps around my nipple and my head pushes back against the pillow as I close my eyes, memorizing every sensation. He sucks again, trapping the nipple between his teeth just as his hand begins torturing my other breast.
“Just me, Jessie,” he growls, pinching one nipple as his mouth releases the other. “Just me,” he says again, blowing on the wet, distended nub that’s aching to be back in his mouth.
“That feels so good,” I moan, my hips pushing up against his body in reaction. “I need more,” I whimper.
“I’ll give you more,” he growls. “Only me,” he adds just as his fingers slide between my legs.
15
Allen
My fingers push between the lips of Jessie’s pussy only to be instantly enveloped by her heat and the wet evidence of her desire. I find her clit and graze my finger over it a few times, spreading her juices with my finger and using that to help tease her. I can feel her body tremble beneath me and with each carefully organized swipe of my hand her fingers tighten in my hair.
Possessiveness sweeps through me in a wave of emotion I never knew existed. I was trying to do what was right, I was trying to be good to Jessie, but her words unleashed something inside of me I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t let her leave. I couldn’t let another man claim what was mine—even if it shouldn’t be.
“Allen!” she cries as I slide the tips of two of my fingers inside her. I don’t go deeply, I don’t want to hurt her; I need to make sure she’s ready to accept me. I’ve had limited sex in my life and never with a virgin, so I’m flying in the dark here. I just know that I want to make it good for her. Jessie is all that matters. I pray I don’t mess this up, that the memories continue to stay away so I can give her everything she needs. I want her to feel beautiful and special—because she’s all that and more. I sink my fingers in a little deeper and I can feel the evidence of virginity. I should probably use my fingers to break through it, stretching her before I try to go inside, but I can’t. Doing that seems to be cheating us both. I want her to feel me… my cock inside of her at the exact moment she loses her virginity. I want to be deep inside of her, watching her face; I want her to look at me, knowing I’m the one claiming her.
I reach over to the nightstand and take my wallet. Her eyes cloud with confusion as I sift through and find what I’m looking for. I don’t have much need for these things. Hell, this one has been in the back of my wallet for years. I put it in there when I hit my six months of being sober. There was a part of me that thought being clean and sober meant I would have a normal life, that I would want sex, that I would be free from the demons of my past.
I was so wrong, at least until Jessie… She has changed everything.
I drop everything to the ground except the condom and I look at her.
“I want to protect you,” I tell her. She has no idea of my past and couldn’t comprehend it, I’m sure. I’m clean. At first I was tested every six months during my sobriety and now every year, and I do that knowing there’s not a chance I could be infected with anything. Hell, I haven’t had sex in over four years and I’ve been sober for just as long—a litt
le longer. But I keep getting tested because walking in that clinic is a reminder… a punch in the gut of how lucky I am. Because my first results and the ones after that might not have been good. I escaped my past by the skin of my teeth. I’ll never go back, but it doesn’t help to be reminded of what could have happened.
“Let me,” she says, taking the condom from my hand. My eyes never leave hers as we change positions and she’s sitting on her knees while I’m on my back. With trembling fingers, she wraps her hand around my hard cock and strokes me. She holds me timidly but by the second stroke her touch is much firmer. I hold my breath for a minute, afraid old ghosts will intrude—afraid I will remember the past and ruin everything. My gaze moves to her hold on my cock and just as the memories begin to try and push through, it’s Jessie that beats them back. Her hand moves under my chin and she pushes so that I look at her. “I want to see your eyes, Allen. Can I? I want to see them as I touch you. I want to make sure I’m doing this right…” she whispers, giving voice to her fears.
“You can have anything you want, Jessie,” I assure her, holding the side of her face gently, pushing my hand under her hair. She smiles, though I can still see a little fear on her face. She brings the condom wrapper to her mouth and tears the corner open with her teeth. It gives pretty easily and I find myself praying that condoms don’t have expiration dates. I have no fucking clue.
I watch as she fumbles with the latex, looking at it as if unsure. Then she covers the head of my aching cock with it. I shouldn’t have worried about my memories. With Jessie touching me, I can think of nothing but her.
“Am I doing this right?” she asks, sliding the condom over my cock. I’m stretching the latex tight. I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard in my life. I also have no idea if she’s doing it right, but I don’t want to have that discussion with her. My dick is covered and that’s what the goal is.
“You’re perfect, Jessie. Absolutely fucking perfect,” I assure her.
“Now… uh… what?” she asks, looking around, and it’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her I’m about as experienced as she is, but I don’t.
“Climb over top of me, sweetheart.”
“I…”
She breaks off as I help her slide astride me.
“That’s it,” I praise her gently. I let my fingers move down her shoulders and against her breasts, kneading them before moving down her stomach. “You’re so beautiful, Jessie. So soft and warm, sweet and delicate,” I murmur, watching the trail my hands make. “I love the feel of you.”
My hands move around to her back and then down to the round globes of her ass. I squeeze them, loving how full she feels in my hands.
“Allen, please,” she gasps and her body is pushing toward me. She’s on her knees swaying back and forth and I can feel the muscles in her legs tightening. She needs more and for the first time in my life I truly do too.
“Let me just make sure you’re ready, Mouse,” I tell her, my fingers sliding into her wet depths. She’s drenched, even more than she was before and her clit is pulsating against the tips of my fingers. I slide around the rim of her entrance, her juices gathering on my fingers. She’s more than ready for me. I bring my hand back out, her gaze trapped in mine. I let her watch as I bring my fingers to my mouth, sucking her sweet cum from my fingers.
“Oh… wow,” she gasps, her eyes dilating further, and the stunned look on her face, the way her swollen lips break apart in surprise, makes me smile…
I never dreamed I could feel so free having sex, let alone enjoy it to the point I was smiling.
“Slide down on my cock, Jessie,” I urge her.
She looks down where our bodies begin to join and I find myself doing the same. Slowly my dick disappears inside of her, inch by inch. I hold onto her hips, making her go slow—not wanting to hurt her.
“Allen… you feel so good,” she whispers, her voice full of wonder. “I feel…”
“Tell me, Jessie,” I moan, my eyes closing at how good it feels to be inside of her. She’s so tight, the walls of her pussy hold me perfectly. I wish I didn’t have the condom on. I want to feel my cock surrounded in her wetness, but even through the veil of latex I can feel how hot she is and how slick and soft her pussy is.
“Full… God, I feel so full, Allen,” she whimpers.
I let her lower down until I can feel my cock push against her barrier and then I tighten my hold, not letting her move.
“This is going to hurt, Jessie. There’s nothing I can do to stop that. But you’re in control, sweetheart. You decide if you want me out, or to go deeper. This is all you. We can keep it just like this and I can make you come…”
“But you… I mean… you’re not inside that far.”
“No… and I want to be, Jessie. I won’t lie to you. I want that more than I want to fucking breathe. But I can make it good for you just like this. I don’t have to take your virginity to make you feel good, Mouse,” I tell her, needing her to know that I’m happy just to have this. This with Jessie is more than I ever dreamed I’d have.
She looks at me and it feels as if there are age-old secrets in her eyes.
“I want all of you, Allen,” she answers. Then she shifts her legs so that she is settled completely on my lap. My cock thrusts through her virginity and I sink all the way to my balls inside of her.
And nothing…nothing has ever felt so good.
16
Jessie
I cry out as I feel Allen take my virginity. Once I settle on top of him, I’m afraid to move. I close my eyes and concentrate on the way it feels to have him inside of me—completely inside of me. At first I can’t catch my breath, but then I feel Allen’s hand moving lovingly over my back. I feel his lips placing gentle kisses on my chest and slowly I open my eyes.
He’s kissing under my breast, sucking the flesh and then moving up to kiss my nipple. I’m lost in watching what he is doing, barely registering the fact that there’s no pain now. I’ve relaxed against him and I’m hypnotized by the way he’s holding my breast and sucking on it.
“You feel so good, Jessie. So fucking good,” he murmurs against my breast. He bites on the nipple once again and it sends a jolt of need through me that seems to center on my clit. I shift restlessly and when I do, I feel his dick move inside of me.
“Oh…” I gasp, moving experimentally to see if I can make it feel that good again.
“You like that, sweetheart?” Allen asks, and I bite my lip as I squeeze his cock inside of me. Then I thrust out gently, almost like I’m riding a horse. The sensations that hit me then make me moan. “It doesn’t hurt now,” Allen claims. I don’t know how he knows, but he’s right. It doesn’t, not even a little. It feels really good.
His hands move back to my hips and he squeezes them.
“Allen…”
“Are you okay?”
“I want… more,” I tell him, not knowing what that ‘more’ is, only knowing I need it.
“That’s good, baby. I’m going to give you more,” he groans.
He moves my hips then and I fumble at first, but manage to follow his lead. Soon I don’t need him to lead me, because it feels so good I take over. I move up and down on his cock like he showed me. It’s still not enough, though, even as good as it feels.
“I’m going to come, Jessie.”
“Okay,” I gasp, concentrating on what I’m doing, wishing it would give me more… I can feel my body tighten, I know I’m close, but somehow I instinctively know I’m not going to get it like this.
“But I’m not going without you,” Allen growls and then I feel his fingers moving against my clit and I cry out. My body jerks and then I grind down on his cock, squeezing him deeply inside of me. “That’s it, Mouse. Come for me,” he urges and I look at him. “God, you’re beautiful,” he says, and for the first time in my life… I feel beautiful.
“Allen… Oh God, don’t stop doing that,” I gasp, riding him harder and faster.
“I got you, Jessi
e. Let yourself go. I’ll be here to catch you,” he says and I can see the strain on his face. He’s holding back for me. I don’t want that. I want him to have all the pleasure he’s giving me. My hands move to his nipples and I rub them, even as I can feel my orgasm take over.
“Come with me, Allen. Come with me,” I cry as I fall over the edge. I can’t think enough to do more than give in, my body convulsing as my climax rocks me. I can feel his cock lurch inside of me, though, throbbing once… and then again…When he cries out my name I know he’s coming too.
“Jessie!” he cries, and I instinctively use my inner muscles to tighten my hold on him. I fall against his body, exhausted. I can still feel him racing toward the end of his orgasm, so with what strength I can, I continue rocking my body against his, squeezing him tight even as my body protests the overload of pleasure. I kiss him, and he pulls on my lips. I kiss along the side of his face, memorizing every moment of this I can—just in case I never get it again.
“You feel so good, Allen. You’re everything I could ever want. It feels so good, baby,” I tell him softly in his ear as he rides out his orgasm. He seems to like my words, like my voice in his ear because he squeezes me to him with a groan. I keep doing it, repeating nonsense words because I sense he needs them, because I want to… and most of all because they keep me from doing something stupid…
Like blurting out I love him.
