“Come on,” Rob said. “Let’s go back into the house. I’m not in the mood for a big emotional display.”
They left the barn. I didn’t know what to think. I reached behind my back and took the letter I’d written from my pocket. Just one more letter I’d written for Lacey that would never be delivered. I moved mechanically, pulling the envelope down from the beam and slipping the new letter into it. Then I put it back up on the beam, grabbed the whiskey, and drained the bottle.
Chapter 26
Lacey
SOMETIMES, THINGS DON’T TURN OUT the way you always planned. That’s life. That’s part of what being an adult is all about. You have these silly dreams when you’re a little girl, you believe in unicorns and princes and dreams coming true. Then, when you grow older, you realize that the world isn’t really like that. You don’t get everything you always dreamt of. You don’t get fantasies and fairy tales. You get reality. And while reality doesn’t always measure up to the ideas you have in your imagination, it does have one advantage. It’s practical. And that’s something you can depend on.
I didn’t want to spend my life alone. I didn’t want to waste it, waiting for someone else to take the steps that they clearly didn’t want to take. That would be a mistake. I had strong feelings for Grant, I knew that, but Grant was my family. It was normal to have strong feelings for someone you’d practically grown up with. It didn’t mean I had to spend my whole life hoping he’d propose to me. Grant had made it very clear that he didn’t believe in marriage. He especially made it clear that he didn’t believe in marrying me. Maybe one day he’d find some lucky woman who’d make him feel differently, but I didn’t want to be still hanging around, waiting for him, when that day came.
If I married Rob, if I created a good life and a beautiful, loving family with Rob, then when Grant finally decided to get married, I’d be able to feel happiness for him. Because my life wouldn’t be empty and lonely. If I gave up this opportunity to be with Rob, and then Grant ended up marrying someone else, it would be unbearable.
I couldn’t afford to be a fool. I couldn’t afford to live my life in a fantasy. Grant didn’t want me. Rob did.
Was I in love with Rob? That’s the question I kept asking myself.
But how could I answer it? I know I didn’t feel for him the way I felt for Grant. Grant was ingrained into the very core of my being. He lived in my heart. The first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning was Grant. The last thing I thought about when I lay down in bed was Grant. Grant was my family, my foundation, without him in my life I didn’t even know how I’d be able to continue living.
My relationship with Rob was different. It was very different. Rob didn’t make me feel safe the way Grant did. He didn’t make my heart pound. He didn’t even make me feel beautiful. He still pressured me and dropped hints about the things I could do to improve my appearance.
He was often in a bad mood. I tried to be understanding of that. He worked long hours, in a highly competitive industry, and the stresses on him were immense. I’d remind myself of those things when Rob was irritable, or when he snapped at me, or when he was dismissive. It didn’t help when he came home late from work, or said he didn’t have the time to see me, but wouldn’t tell me where he was going or who he was with. Things were far from perfect with Rob. Part of it was his high-stress job, but then I’d think about Grant’s job. Still, always comparing everything to Grant. Grant stole millions of dollars from huge corporations with world-class security installations. There was a constant threat of violence and injury at Grant’s job. But he was nothing but pleasant and polite and considerate, ninety-nine percent of the time. I mean, I’d had my fights with Grant, but they were never because he was just in a shitty mood. They were about real things. Grant was calm and steady, I could count on him. Rob just got pissy sometimes.
I’ll also admit I had fears about Rob’s fidelity. As stupid as I might seem for accepting his proposal, I’m not a total idiot. I knew he was surrounded by beautiful women at work. I knew he’d slept with most of them. I also knew he was capable of lies and deception. On more than one occasion I’d caught him in a lie. He wasn’t lying to me, he was lying to other people, but I was smart enough to realize that if he could lie to others, he could lie to me too.
And there was also the constant, niggling fear in the back of my mind that Rob didn’t really love me. It was just something that I couldn’t make go away. The way he wanted me to have surgery, the way he point-blank refused to ever tell me I was beautiful or make me feel good about myself, the way he virtually never expressed any kind of sexual or physical interest in my body.
Was I fooling myself? Was I making a big mistake? Was I setting myself up for disaster?
Maybe, but let me put it this way, woman to woman. If you were in my position, and a handsome, successful surgeon proposed to you, and you had no other offers, and you were lonely and afraid of getting old alone, would you have said no? Maybe you would have. That would make you a much stronger woman than I was.
There are a lot of women in the world stronger than me, and they’d have stood up for themselves and what they felt they deserved from life. They’d have demanded more passion, more love, more tenderness, from the man who wanted to call himself their husband. They’d refuse to let the fear of being alone completely cloud their judgement.
But what can I say? My last boyfriend cheated on me. In fact, my last three boyfriends cheated on me. Have you ever been cheated on? It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you scared that you’re not good enough to have a guy who’s willing to commit to you one-hundred-percent.
I know this is going to sound twisted, but I almost blamed myself for being cheated on. I mean, when the first guy cheated on me, I blamed him. By the time Matt cheated on me though, I was starting to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong. I know that’s crazy, but those are the fears that ran through my mind every single day.
So I accepted Rob’s proposal, or should I say, his non-proposal. I mean, he didn’t even really out and out ask me to marry him. He just talked about how it would be a good career move for him. But I accepted. And now I have to live with my decision.
Chapter 27
Lacey
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN I woke I felt terrible. I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling. Who could I call?
Rob? I took my phone from my bedside table and scrolled down to his name. My thumb hovered over the green calling icon, but I couldn’t bring myself to press it. My new fiancé, and I couldn’t call him. I didn’t want to call him. I wanted to call Grant.
My stomach heaved. I leapt from the bed and got to my bathroom just in time to throw up.
And before you say anything, I know what you’re thinking. Morning sickness, right? I’ll be honest. That’s what I thought too. My night of passion with Grant? That one night that was supposed to be our secret, that no one was ever going to find out about, that was never going to lead to any consequences. That night we’d decided not to use a condom because Grant thought it would be sexier. That night that he’d spilled his semen into me and I hadn’t even had the good sense to use the morning after pill. That night he’d told me to call him husband.
Yup. That night.
Maybe I’d been hoping for this all along. I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything any more. My life was falling to pieces all around me, and I’d just accepted a proposal from a man I wasn’t in love with. As I cleaned myself up and left the bathroom, I made a note to call my doctor. I needed a pregnancy test. Not exactly the ideal thing to be taking care of the day after being proposed to by another man, but I didn’t have a choice.
What would Rob say if he ever found out about this?
I showered and dressed, went downstairs, and who did I run into in the kitchen?
“Good morning, sunshine.”
“Good morning, Grant.”
“How are you today?”
“Great, Grant,” I said, a little more frostily than I shoul
d have. He was being perfectly nice, but I was kind of ticked off that he might have put his baby inside me without so much as a please or a thank you.
“Anything new?”
There was a mischievous look on his face. What was he hinting at? Had he heard me throwing up? Did he suspect I was pregnant with his baby? Was he taunting me for that? No! He couldn’t be. Grant was a lot of things, but he wasn’t cruel. Plus, he couldn’t have heard me throwing up. My room was on the opposite end of the mansion from his, a precaution my father had had the good sense to take seventeen years ago.
“Nothing new, Grant.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Because you know you could tell me anything, right?”
I looked at him. He was being genuine. I knew him well enough to know when he was teasing me, and this wasn’t one of those times. He was genuinely offering me his ear. Why? Had it crossed his mind too that I might be carrying his baby? Did he feel bad for the way things had gone down between us? He should have. We could have been a thing, he and I. We could have made a life together. If I wasn’t pregnant with his kid, we could fix that. I just had to imagine his enormous cock to know that we could easily fix that little issue.
But no. He didn’t want it.
I shoved past him to get milk from the fridge. I felt the powerful mass of his muscle beneath his white shirt. It made me long for him.
He reached out and touched my arm, gently, kindly. What was up with him? I’d done everything. I’d tried it all. I’d fucked him without a condom. I’d given him a chance to scare off Rob. I’d even called him from Club Viper and asked for his help. I know I wasn’t perfect in all of it. I hadn’t exactly been clear about what I wanted, but Grant had made up for it. He’d been clear about what he didn’t want, and he didn’t want me, no matter what I did.
I took a deep breath.
“You know what, Grant?”
“What, Lacey?”
“This isn’t official yet, so don’t tell anyone.”
“Tell them what?”
“Rob proposed to me last night.”
Grant’s face was blank. No reaction. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I thought there’d be at least some reaction. It was almost as if he wasn’t surprised by the news.
“So, I guess I’ll be marrying him soon,” I added.
“Did you set a date?” he said.
“Not yet. We just talked about it a little, last night.”
“And you’re certain it’s what you want?”
“As certain as I can be,” I said. I wasn’t sure what I meant by that.
He looked at me inquisitively, but I didn’t offer any explanation.
He smiled, but there seemed to be a sadness in his smile.
“I’m happy for you, Lacey.”
“Thank you, Grant,” I said.
I grabbed my cereal and hurried out of the kitchen. I didn’t want him to see me cry.
*
AFTER BREAKFAST, I THREW UP AGAIN. I called the doctor and made an appointment. I didn’t say what the appointment was for. I just knew I had to know what the situation was before I could think clearly about what I needed to do. How did I get myself into such a mess?
I swear, I was the most depressed I’d ever been. For the day after being proposed to, it sure wasn’t a good omen for the marriage. I spent the morning in the living room, watching reality shows and eating ice cream. Forrester and Grady saw me but I didn’t care. Grant was around too, but he was mostly keeping to himself since finding out I was engaged.
Grant hadn’t asked any details so it was hard to know how much he cared. He hadn’t asked how Rob had proposed, which was good, because I wouldn’t have known what to say. He also hadn’t asked to see the ring, which was also good, because Rob hadn’t given me one.
I’d never been one of those girls who was obsessed with big, diamond rings, but there was something sad about not having any ring at all. The engagement somehow didn’t feel real without one.
I pulled out my phone and dialed Rob’s number. I had to speak to him. I had to get some sort of concrete affirmation that he was actually going to be my husband. I mean, was that proposal even for real? He’d driven off after making it and we hadn’t spoken since.
“Rob,” I said.
“Lacey, I was meaning to call you but I’ve just been swamped here.”
“I needed to hear your voice,” I said.
“Sure, sure,” Rob said, but he was speaking to someone else in his office, not me. “Sorry about that,” he said to me, “things are just really busy here. What can I do for you?”
“I don’t know,” I said, trying to make my voice as cheerful as possible. “How about marrying me?”
He let out a little laugh.
Grant walked into the room and grabbed the remote. He always did that. It infuriated me. Just because I was on the phone, didn’t mean I was done watching my show. I could talk and watch at the same time. He switched the channel to some sports and turned up the volume. I knew he was doing it to bug me.
Rob said, “So, our arrangement still stands?”
I thought that was a weird way to put it but I said, “Yes, of course.”
“Good,” he said.
Then there was a silence. I looked at Grant, slumped over an armchair, watching football highlights, his tattooed muscles peeking out from under his white shirt. He looked perfect. Absolutely perfect.
“I love you so much,” I said into the phone, while still looking at Grant.
Grant turned to me and I looked away immediately.
“Me too,” Rob said, weakly.
I was so desperate for love, but Rob gave so little.
“So, when are we going to start planning this thing?” I said.
“I don’t know,” Rob said.
Grant got up from his seat and came over to me. The tub of ice cream was by my arm and he took it. “Do you mind?” he whispered.
I shook my head.
“We should go look at flowers or something,” I said to Rob.
“Sure.”
“How about today? There’s a place in the city that’s world famous. They have like a million different varieties of orchid there.”
“I can’t today, sweetie,” Rob said.
“Oh, too busy?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
“We could do it after work. I’m sure I can get them to give us an appointment.”
“No, don’t bother, waiting for me,” he said. “I’m just swamped. You should go by yourself.”
“By myself?”
“It sounds like you’ve got nothing better to do.”
I blinked. “I guess I don’t,” I said. “It’s Faith’s day at the store today.”
“Right then. Call me later and tell me how it went. I’ve got to go.”
“Bye, honey,” I said. “I love … ”.
He’d hung up before I’d even finished the sentence. I sighed, then glanced at Grant. He’d overheard everything.
“This has got to be the first time in months that you’ve decided to come down here to watch television,” I said.
He shrugged. “You call this ice cream?”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Haven’t you heard of a real flavor? Like chocolate? Or vanilla?”
He was eating Cotton Candy Delight. In my opinion it was one of the most delicious things ever created by mankind.
“If you don’t like it, you can give it back. I wasn’t finished with it.”
He licked the spoon, purposely slobbering all over it, and then handed it back to me.
“Thanks,” I said.
“My pleasure.”
What was he doing down there? He never joined me to watch television any more. It was something we’d done years ago, when we were kids, but not so much as we got older.
“I heard you might be going into the city to look at flowers,” he said.
I shrugged, trying not to look like I
cared. “So?” I said, coming off more defensively than I’d intended.
“Well, I’m going into town soon. I can take you if you like.”
“Oh, you don’t want to look at flowers, Grant. I know you hate all that girly stuff.”
He smiled at me, and there was such warmth in that smile, such kindness, such love for me, that it took my breath away. After spending so much time with Rob, I was beginning to forget the power Grant had over my emotions.
“Sure I do,” he said, simply.
“You hate wedding stuff.”
“Look, I know you haven’t told anyone else about the proposal. So I know there’s no one else you can take. You’re stuck with me.”
I took a spoonful of ice cream and relished it. I hadn’t forgotten that he’d slobbered all over the spoon. In fact, I wanted his saliva to touch my lips.
Chapter 28
Grant
I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW beautiful she looked on that drive into the city. It was like the old days again. Lacey’s hair shone with an almost metallic sheen. She was wearing one of her little black dresses. She hadn’t bothered with all the shit Rob had been giving her, and she looked like the natural beauty that she was. She was even wearing the same perfume she used to wear back when she was in high school. I wondered if that was a coincidence or not. It drove me wild.
For a few hours, we were friends again. All the awkwardness of our frolic in the hayloft was forgotten. She played her music on the radio and I drove, winding through the valleys and vineyards she loved, skirting cliffs that looked down on the Pacific Ocean from precarious heights.
“So,” I said, “you’re really going ahead with this?”
“With what? The wedding?”
“Yeah, and your relationship with Rob.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” she said.
I shrugged. I didn’t want to argue with her so I dropped it. It felt so good to be friends again and I wasn’t willing to ruin the morning just to tell her what I thought of her fiancé.
“Just seems to be moving fast, is all,” I said.
She nodded. She was thinking about that. I’m not sure what she felt about Rob, but from the look on her face, she had some doubts about the relationship. I changed the subject.
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