by Sara Mack
James looks wary.
“Look, I know I started something with Dane that I shouldn’t have. What I did was stupid and reactive and part of my being upset is trying to figure out how to fix that. Another part is imagining you spending time with Meg,” I hesitate. “But, the main reason I’m sad is because we fought and you left. Just like the night you died.”
His face fills with remorse. He lets go of my hands and quickly collects me in his arms, pulling me forward and into his lap. “I’m so sorry,” he says against my hair.
“I love you,” I speak against his chest. It’s the only thing I can think to say. “Please don’t leave me without at least saying goodbye.”
He leans back, so he can see my face. “I will never leave you. Everything I’ve done has been for you.”
“But it hasn’t been easy,” I say. “It’s been hell. Not that I like it, but I can understand if you would want something easier, something with Meg.”
He frowns. “I don’t want something with Meg.”
I give him a condescending look. “She’s always around…”
“I have to talk to someone,” James says gently. “She gives good advice; she listens when I need to vent. She helps me. She’s the one who pulled me out of Dane’s car before I said anything else to hurt you or before I took my anger out on him.”
I study his face while I process what he’s said. “I guess tell her thanks,” I say insincerely, “even though I don’t like her knowing my personal business.”
“Do you expect me to stay mute?” he asks. “I have to deal with these feelings that I’m not supposed to feel somehow.”
“What about me? I have no one to talk to about this. I would do almost anything to get Shel’s opinion of how I should fix what I started with Dane. But I can’t ask her because she would just tell me to go for it because she has no idea that you still exist. I can’t rationally explain my feelings without mentioning you.”
“What about Garrett? You seem able to talk to him.”
“It’s not the same. He’s an ex-Guardian who can’t seem to comprehend why you’re having a hard time dealing with your connection to me. He seems to think you should be able to get over it and that I should move on with my life.”
James frowns, but then his eyes light up. “I know. What if I asked some of the girls to come by and you could talk? Like Joss or Jenna?”
I make a face. More Guardians?
“You could ask them some questions, discuss your Guardian frustrations.”
I hesitate. “I don’t know.”
“At least they’re female,” he offers.
This is true. “Joss does seem really nice,” I concede.
“Do you want me to ask them?”
I shrug. “I guess. But if they can’t, it’s okay. I don’t know how I feel about revealing my problems to strangers.”
He holds me closer. “They won’t be strangers for long,” he assures me. “The girls are really nice.”
I can’t help it. “Especially Meg.”
“Would you cut that out?” James squeezes me. “As I recall, we had a very similar conversation this past summer, only in the reverse.”
I lift my head and look at him, scrunching up my nose.
“About Dane? That he was only being nice and wanted to be your friend?”
“You know how that turned out,” I say sarcastically.
“But I believed you,” he stresses. “Because I knew that’s what you truly thought.”
“Fine,” I huff. “I believe that you’re friends. But, for the record, I don’t trust her.”
One side of his mouth quirks up.
I sigh and then lift my face to plant an innocent kiss on his lips. “I’m glad you didn’t wait any longer to come see me.”
“So am I,” he says and kisses me back, his kiss stronger than mine. That relaxed, calm feeling I always get when he is here takes over, and, when we part, I unexpectedly yawn.
“Am I boring you?” he laughs.
“No. Our conversation has been riveting.”
“But my kiss put you to sleep?”
I smile and shake my head.
“I must not kiss as well as Dane,” he teases.
My mouth falls open. “Shut up! You know why I did that!”
“Oh, I know,” he smirks.
My face flushes red. “I already feel terrible. Don’t make me feel worse!”
He grins then plants a kiss on my forehead. “You’re forgiven, although I might have to bring it up from time to time.”
I roll my eyes. “I would expect nothing less.”
“What about me?” he asks. “Am I forgiven?”
I pretend to ponder his question, but of course I already know the answer. “Yes, but –”
“But what? Your forgiveness has conditions?”
I give him a stale look. “I forgive you for being jealous and disappearing on me, because those things I understand. But does Meg have to follow you wherever you go?” I look around the room cautiously. “Is she here now?”
He moves one arm beneath my knees and wraps his other arm tightly around my back and smiles. “No, she’s not here now.” He shifts his weight and stands with ease, holding me against him like a child.
My eyes widen in surprise as his lifts me off the floor. “This is new,” I say in awe and then narrow my eyes. “Are you trying to distract me?”
“Let’s just say Meg has a vested interest in what happens between us,” he says as he starts to carry me toward my bedroom.
“And why’s that?”
“I’m not allowed to say.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
We enter my room and he sets me on the bed next to LB. I swing my legs off the side and turn to face him as he leans over me, placing his hands on either side of me against the mattress. “Come on,” I press. “Obviously I’m good at keeping secrets.”
“She’s trying to make sure I don’t screw up again,” he says.
I cross my arms and search his face. “I already know that. Tell me what I don’t know.”
His expression twists, and I look up at him innocently. “It will put my mind at ease,” I say. “You would do that for your Ward, right?”
James smirks. “When did you start to play dirty? That’s not fair.”
I raise my eyebrows and shrug. After a moment, when he doesn’t offer any information, I pout.
He rolls his eyes and stands. “Fine. How can I put this?” He looks to the ceiling in thought.
I wait impatiently. I’m about to have a concrete reason for Meg’s persistent presence other than my own suspicions. These last few days have been torturous.
He finally turns to me. “Listen. This is all I can tell you, so don’t ask me for anything more. Okay?”
I nod.
He steps forward. “Meg is helping me,” he says. “But, she is also looking out for the best interest of her Ward.”
Chapter 17
My conversation with James runs through my mind on an endless loop. I can’t turn it off. I redirect my focus and try to concentrate on the Ethics exam in front of me. I have one more essay to finish. I need to compare the five self-interest philosophies and, if I’m not careful, I might end up writing a paragraph about why I think Meg is Dane’s Guardian.
I start to write and catch Garrett out of the corner of my eye. He looks at his paper, perplexed. Guilt washes over me. We didn’t study enough. My personal problems got in the way last night, even though he was the one who pressed me about them. I’ll have to be sure to apologize after class. Garrett didn’t sign up to be my therapist.
I finish my test as quickly as I dare, briefly mentioning each philosophy. A few missed points shouldn’t hurt my grade any; I was rocking an A before this exam. I gather my things and turn my paper in to Ms. Johnson, then head out to the hallway to wait for Garrett. I place my backpack against my feet and lean against the wall as James’ voice replays in my mind – “She’s looking out f
or best interest of her Ward.” I sigh. Meg has to be Dane’s Guardian; who else would my relationship with James effect? Naturally, I tried to get James to tell me if I was correct, but he would neither confirm nor deny my assumption. Then, when he decided to stay the night, I got completely sidetracked. It’s hard to ask questions when your mouth is connected to someone else’s, Guardian or not.
My cell vibrates in my pocket, bringing me back from the memory. I pull it out to read the text message.
Are you finished with midterms??
Aw, hell. It’s Dane. I’m going to have to think of another excuse as to why I can’t see him. I stare at the phone and silently wish I could just tell him the truth.
“What’s up?” Garrett asks, appearing in front of me.
I lift my head, and my shoulders slump. “Dane wants to know if I’m done with midterms.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“I can’t see him.”
“Why not?”
I’m at a loss for words. We’re supposed to be friends, but we can’t hang out. James would have a conniption fit; not to mention, I kind of kissed Dane the last time we were together. “James wouldn’t like it.”
Garrett’s expression twists. “I told you that’s none of his –”
“Yeah, yeah,” I interrupt him and push myself away from the wall. I pick up my backpack with my free hand and toss it over my shoulder. “Let’s go.”
Garrett follows me out of the building, and we head across campus. “So, how’d you do?” I ask.
Garrett shrugs. “Okay, I guess.”
“I’m sorry. We should have studied more. I’ll definitely make it up to you for the final.”
He smiles. “I didn’t say I did terrible. I’ll pass.”
I nod. “Good.”
We walk back to our apartments in relative silence. When we reach the street corner closest to home, Garrett asks, “So, I take it last night went well?”
“Yes.”
“You’re no longer fighting with James?”
I shake my head.
Garrett falls silent, and I want to ask him about Meg. Would James get in trouble for telling me as much as he did? “I have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“Why can’t I know who a Guardian’s Ward is? Say, for example, Meg’s,” I try to ask nonchalantly. “Why is that so secret?”
Garrett gives me a knowing smile. “You’d make a terrible interrogation officer.”
I roll my eyes. “Why can’t I know?”
“Let me guess,” Garrett pretends to think. “James told you Meg is hanging around because it has something to do with her duty, right?”
One eyebrow lifts in question. “Are you telling me he’s lying?”
He chuckles. “No. He’s telling the truth.”
“It’s Dane, isn’t it?” I stop walking. “Meg is Dane’s Guardian.”
Garrett stops a few steps ahead of me and turns. “Would that upset you?”
“No.” I try to look unaffected and fail. “Yes. I don’t know.”
“And that’s precisely why,” he says matter-of-factly. “Guardians don’t need jealousy or animosity among Wards. You’re not supposed to know we even exist. It only complicates matters.”
I start walking again. “How so?”
“Suppose you told your friend Shel that she has a Guardian. What would she do?”
“Probably freak out,” I concede. “She’d think I was crazy.”
“Exactly,” Garrett says. “And if you knew who her Guardian was? Would you be tempted to tell her?”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“And if she knew? Would she be creeped out that this person felt her emotions? Was capable of watching her every move? Guided her decisions so she was kept safe from danger? Would she try to have a friendship with this person?”
“Okay! Okay! I got it.” I push my phone into my pocket and reach for my keys as we approach the front door of our building. “Knowing who a Guardian’s Ward is should be kept secret.”
Garrett nods in agreement.
I open the door, and he follows me inside. “You know more than about Guardians than any other human I’ve ever interacted with,” he says. “You’ve handled it well, but I’m not so sure about the general population. You know how humans are prone to frenzy whenever they discover something they don’t understand.”
I laugh and throw out a couple of examples. “Crop circles? Area 51?”
Garrett smiles, then whispers, “I can vouch for the crop circles.”
My eyes grow wide.
He shrugs. “Hey, a few of us got bored.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “You sure know how to mess with people.”
Garrett laughs as he pulls his apartment key from his pants pocket. He opens the door to his place as I turn to head toward mine. “Here’s to a relaxing weekend without studying for exams,” he says.
I walk backward down the hallway to my door. “That sounds absolutely perfect.” I flash him a thumbs up. “I’ll talk to you later.”
He smiles. “Later.”
I open my apartment door to find LB waiting to greet me. I toss my backpack aside and bend down to give her a good rubbing with both hands. When she’s satisfied, she wanders away and I stand. Here we are with three whole days of nothing spread out before us. Again. I’m all down for relaxing, but I’d rather not be entirely alone. I pull my phone from my pocket and read Dane’s message. Spending time with him is definitely out of the question. I wish I could go back in time and erase all the heavy stuff between us; so we could be friends again and just joke with each other like we used to.
Since that can’t happen, I decide to call Shel. Maybe I can spend some time with her this weekend in Ann Arbor. Luckily she picks up.
“Hey there, stranger.”
“Hi!”
“What are you up to?”
“I’ve got class in ten minutes. Why? What’s up? Oh, loved your Wicked Witch costume by the way. That was hilarious!”
I smile. That party seems like it happened eons ago. “Listen, what are you doing this weekend? Are you busy? I was thinking I could come and visit.”
“Aw, man,” Shel groans. “I have this charity dinner thing for the hospital on Saturday night, and we’re setting up all day tomorrow.”
“What are you doing? Volunteering?”
“Yeah, waiting tables and stuff while the rich benefactors pay big bucks for dinner. It’s a donation to the hospital.”
“Sounds thrilling,” I sigh and then pause. “Could you use an extra pair of hands?”
“You want to spend your weekend as a waitress?”
“Could I? Anything is better than sitting here by myself.”
“Sure! I mean, I’ll check with the coordinator, but I don’t think it will be a problem. The more the merrier.”
“Cool.”
“Can you get here tomorrow night around eight or nine? We’re supposed to be done with set up by then and we can hang out until we’re needed the next day.”
“Sounds good.” I reach for a piece of scrap paper on the table. “What’s the name of your new dorm again?” Shel recites her address and I jot it down. “Got it. I’m looking forward to it!”
“Me too!” Shel sounds excited. “This dinner just got a whole lot better! The time will fly by with you there.”
I laugh. “I hope so! Although I don’t know how good I am at waitressing.”
“It’ll be simple,” Shel reassures me. “I think it’s just clearing tables, maybe getting drinks. Stuff like that.”
“I trust you.” I check the clock. “Shouldn’t you be heading to class?”
“On my way as we speak,” I can hear Shel smile. “Talk while I walk. I heard you met up with Dane the other night.”
Why doesn’t this surprise me? “I’m shocked that you didn’t call to grill me about it.”
“Matt told me not to,” she says simply. “Besides,” her tone changes to imply that she’s hurt,
“I was hoping you’d tell me about it yourself.”
“This week has been crazy busy,” I say in defense. Crazy busy with exams, with worry, with guilt, with stress…
“Midterms?” she asks.
“You got it.”
“Well, I’m looking forward to seeing you and hearing about Dane,” she says as I think I hear a door opening. “’Kay, I’m at my lab. I’ll let you go.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.”
“Yep, bye!”
I end the call and set my phone on the table. It amazes me that my personal life remains interesting to others, but then again, your two best friends should be concerned, right?
My stomach growls, luring me to the kitchen. I move to stand in front of the refrigerator and open the door. What fabulous frozen thing can I reheat for lunch today?
So?
I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands. I blink to focus and realize I must have fallen asleep with my Communications book open in front of me. That’s what I get for lying on my bed while trying to read boring material.
I glance at the message from Dane and then note the time. It’s almost ten at night. I can’t believe I forgot all about his earlier text. At least now I have a response, should he ask to come see me.
Sorry. Yes, midterms are over.
How did you do?
I think I did pretty well. I know I did great in three out of four anyway.
I don’t miss those days.
I smile. Are you sure you remember those days old man? Dane is only three years older than me, but it’s still fun to tease him.
Very funny. If I was there you’d pay for that comment.
How so?
It takes him a minute to respond. That’s a loaded question. Don’t tempt me.
Hmm. Maybe I should back off the humor.
What are you doing this weekend?
There it is. The question I was dreading. Visiting Shel.
That’s not very nice.
What? How do you mean? Shel sounded happy to have me.
My phone rings a moment later, and I answer Dane with a bewildered, “Hello?”
“I’ve been asking to come see you.”
I sigh. “I know.”
