by Sara Mack
“I don’t care about them!”
“You can’t take this away from Thomas! Or Joss or Jenna! Think about Meg,” Garrett tries to reason. “You can’t take this away from her.”
When Garrett says Meg’s name, James stops in his tracks. His action causes tears to burn behind my eyes. I think we all just realized how much he truly does care for her.
Garrett relaxes his stance slightly. “Please,” he says to James. “If you care nothing for us and our cause, that’s fine.” He glances at me. “But think of Emma. If The Allegiant find out about your jealousy, you very well may lose her.”
James turns and focuses on me. His expression registers both anger and pain, and tears start to make tracks down my cheeks. In a way, I’ve already lost him. But, I could lose him for absolute and forever if he exposes Garrett’s secret. The Allegiant would know everything, and they would take his memories of us for sure. “Don’t do it,” I whisper.
I can see my plea register in his eyes. Suddenly, James jumps forward, taking Garrett by surprise as he grabs his shirt and throws him up against the door. “You. Owe. Me.” He enunciates each word. He lets Garrett’s clothes go with a rough shove and backs away from the door. He turns toward me with a vacant expression. “I need some time.”
I nod in understanding. I’ve seen that look before; I know what it means. This is where he leaves me to try and stop loving me again. Will this cycle never end? I walk to him and wrap my arms around his waist and press my head against his chest. He hugs me back loosely, as if he’s afraid to touch me. “I’ll miss you,” I say, muffled.
I can hear him exhale and feel him brush the top of my head with his lips. He doesn’t return the sentiment or tell me he loves me. He just evaporates in my arms, leaving my chest feeling hollow and a sob stuck in my throat.
“Emma,” Garrett says from across the room, “I’m sorry, but you can move forward now. You don’t have to worry about a future with James.”
I shoot Garrett a nasty look. “You made sure of that, didn’t you?”
He starts to approach me. I can see the left side of his face is already bruised and starting to swell. “You know why I did it.”
“Because you’re selfish?” I spit. “It had nothing to do with what you wanted with Amelia or how it was the best thing for James and me! You’re an excellent liar.”
“What I said was true. I wanted to be in Amelia’s life in any way possible. I would have gladly been her Guardian.”
I back away from him. “You need to go. I don’t trust you anymore.”
“Don’t say that.” He looks crushed. “You can trust me.”
I shake my head violently. “You need to leave. Now.”
Garrett looks down and then backs toward the door. He opens it then turns to me again. “I’ll be home if you want to talk.”
I give him a scathing stare. “That’s so not going to happen.”
“Emma,” he almost pleads.
“Leave!” I yell.
He follows my order and walks through the door, closing it quietly behind him. I sink to the floor where I stand and let the sob rip through my throat. I thought I was alone before. I had no idea I could be even more so.
Chapter 20
My body desperately wants to fall asleep, but my mind won’t let it. Ever since Garrett’s revelation, I’ve managed three, maybe four hours of sleep a night. I stopped at the store this afternoon, on my way back from class, and bought a sleep aid because I thought it would help. I glance at the clock and then roll over in frustration. It’s one in the morning. I took those pills hours ago. They should have kicked in by now.
I rack my brain for things to do. I have to keep myself occupied, so my mind can’t connect with my heart. I’ve spent the last four days attending class then working ahead in all of them, as far as I can. I’ve cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. I’ve experimented in the kitchen, making myself real meals instead of frozen ones. I’ve bugged LB so much that she’s grown sick of me, and she hides under the bed whenever I walk into the room. Today, I even attempted an online job search and applied for three positions. I’m running out of options.
Lifting my head, I punch the pillow to fluff it, and then flip to my other side. At least I’ve been able to avoid Garrett. I was worried about how I would manage to ignore him in Ethics and concentrate on the lecture, but he hasn’t shown up. Either he’s being a coward, or he’s staying away to make things easier for me. I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I refuse to believe he’s doing anything for me out of kindness. The center of my chest starts to squeeze in that grievously familiar, uncomfortable way, and I try to stop thinking. Eventually, I’m going to have to come to grips with the fact that I’ve lost someone who pretended to be a friend.
Logical thoughts bounce around in my head. They suggest action, but my body refuses to listen and cooperate.
If you don’t get enough rest, you’ll get sick.
I know.
Any future with James was a long shot.
Don’t remind me.
Go to sleep.
I can’t.
You should take some more medicine.
Is that really wise?
Call Shel and ask.
It’s after one a.m.
She’ll reassure you.
That’s rude.
Go over and talk to Garrett.
No.
He’ll understand.
He’s no longer a friend.
Call Dane and apologize.
Not an option.
It will make you feel better.
He won’t believe me.
Get up and watch TV.
I need to sleep!
Well, you need to do something.
I KNOW.
I throw the covers off. This internal conversation is making my head ache. I need to feel better. Not amazing, not perfect, not happy. Just better. Anything other than this mechanical, numb shell of the person I used to be. I stare at the ceiling and think of home. I crave to be there. Honestly, if I could have one person here with me right now it would be my mother. I guess that should sound lame coming from a 22-year old, but it’s the truth. The thought of my family is comforting and, suddenly, I bolt upright. Why didn’t I think of this before?
I throw my legs off the side of the bed and pad to the living room to find my laptop. I turn it on and, while it loads, head to the kitchen to make a mug of hot chocolate. When I return, I navigate to WMU’s website and begin my search; hopefully I can find answers here. If not, tomorrow I’ll be skulking around campus as I try and get some in person.
My mission is simple. I need to figure out a way to complete my last semester from home.
The next morning, I sit bleary-eyed in the Advising Office. Thankfully the advisors are still around on Fridays. My research yielded promising results; it turns out an approved internship can be used for business elective credits. I know I have four classes left to complete toward my degree, and I’m hoping that I’ll be able waive a couple in lieu of an internship, while completing the other two online. I have plenty of time to hit the pavement and find someplace closer to home to intern.
“Emma?” my advisor, Mrs. Andrews, calls to me from behind the welcome desk. “Come on back.”
I stand and follow the petite woman to her office. Mrs. Andrews has been my advisor since I started at Western. She assisted me when I first came to campus, after high school, and then helped me again after James’ accident; I had to find out what my options were and if I could complete my courses from home. She was very understanding then. I’m hoping for the same today.
“How have you been?” she asks as she rounds her desk. “I’m glad to see you.”
I take a seat opposite her and give her a small smile. “Things have been good,” I lie. Well, not totally lie. My classes have been good. “I was hoping I could get some help planning my last semester.”
“Sure,” she smiles. “The winter course catalog went live today. Let’s see what you have
left to take.” She turns toward her computer, asks for my student number, and then pulls up my program and transcript. “Looks like you only have nine credits left.”
“Nine?” I ask, surprised. “I thought I had twelve.”
She scrolls through the screens and determines that a course I took by accident my second year now counts toward my degree. This is great news. The less I have to complete, the better.
“I was wondering about an internship,” I say. “I was reading online last night and saw that approved internships can count as credit.”
“If you don’t mind my saying so,” she raises an eyebrow, “it looks like you’ve been spending several nights reading online. Everything okay?”
I flush with embarrassment. I must have drifted off to sleep around four or five in the morning only to wake up unrested around seven. That makes five nights with virtually no sleep resulting in some pretty impressive eye bags. “The truth is, I’m hoping to move back home for my last semester. If there’s someplace I can intern close to home and take my remaining courses online that would be perfect. Being back here has been…” I pause, searching for the right words, “…a little tougher than I imagined.”
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “I bet.” Mrs. Andrews wasn’t only my advisor; she was James’ as well. We were both management majors and our last names started with D. She reviews my transcript again. “I’m impressed with your grades,” she comments. “You finished last semester stronger than I would have anticipated. I assume this semester is going just as well in that department?”
I nod. “It appears so. Right now, anyway.”
“Good,” she says and turns around to grab a form off the credenza behind her. She consults the computer and then jots down a few items. Next, she opens a drawer, pulls out a few sheets of paper, and then pushes them toward me. “You need an economics class, and Intermediate Macroeconomics will be offered online,” she explains and points to the form on the right. “Registration opens next Monday.” She shifts the forms and shows me another. “This is a list of approved internship locations in the area that will count for two business electives, if you can secure at least thirty hours a week.”
I glance at the list and try not to frown. All of these businesses are in the Kalamazoo area. This doesn’t help me.
“Now,” she continues, “you have some time. If you can find an internship at a reputable organization willing to follow these guidelines,” she shows me the third sheet of paper, “as a faculty advisor I can sign off on the credit.”
Now we’re talking. I smile as I pick up the paper. “How long do I have to find a place?”
“Technically until the winter semester begins,” she says. “But I would try to find something as soon as possible. Positions tend to fill up quickly with students looking for experience to put on resumes.”
“Got it,” I say and collect the other two forms. I’m beginning to feel better already.
After a moment or two of silence, Mrs. Andrews asks, “Emma, may I give you some unsolicited advice?”
I look up from the paperwork. “Sure.”
“You’re an excellent student,” she says and folds her hands on her desk. “Your grades reflect that, but more so you don’t shy away from a challenge. I know a lot of people who would have taken what happened last spring and used it as an excuse to drop out and quit. You didn’t and that speaks volumes to your character.”
I give her a small smile. “That’s the advice?”
“The advice is to never give up,” she says. “No matter what happens. Don’t let adversity drain you; use it to make you stronger. You have great potential and I would hate to see that go to waste.”
My eyes tingle and I focus on the ficus tree in the corner. Giving up on school was never an option. Is she telling me this because I look like I’m about to jump off the nearest bridge? “Do I really look that terrible?” I ask, trying to joke about it.
She laughs. “Actually, yes.”
I shake my head and choke out a laugh, too.
“You wouldn’t believe the number of students I see that can’t make a move without me,” she continues, sitting back in her chair. “But you’re self-sufficient. You’re motivated. Those are valuable skills that people either have or they don’t.”
I look down at the papers in my hand. “I just want to find a way to make things the best they can be for me.”
“That’s smart,” she nods with approval. “Whatever it is that’s going on in your life right now, you’re using it to stay true to yourself. Use whatever it is to move you through this next semester. Before you know it, you’ll be graduating.”
I catch her eyes. “Thank you,” I say sincerely. “I needed to hear that.”
“Well, there’s something else you need to hear.” She leans forward. “Get some rest.”
I nod and chuckle. “I think that will be easier now that I have a plan.”
She smiles at me warmly. “I’m glad I could help.”
As I head back to my apartment, I process Mrs. Andrews’ words and hope starts to bloom inside my chest. Someone I barely know thinks I’m strong; someone recognizes my hard work and dedication. I’m not just a sorry mess dwelling on lost loves, lost friends, and loneliness. I accept challenges. I’m motivated. I have potential.
A grin breaks out across my face and I walk faster, determined. I’m not going down without a fight. I have a life to live. No James, no Dane, no Garrett, no problem.
It’s time to stand up and rock my future.
“Shel?”
“Hey!”
“Listen,” I shift the phone to hold it between my face and my shoulder, “I need some ideas. I have to find a business near home that will take me as an intern.”
I can imagine her frown. “Why?”
“Because I’m moving back.” I pick up another shirt from the laundry basket. “I found out I can intern in place of two electives next semester.”
She pauses. “This is because of the James visions, isn’t it? They’re back, aren’t they?”
She sounds concerned. I want to tell her that the James “visions” are gone indefinitely, but I opt for “No, they’re not. I’m just tired of being alone.”
“Well, that’s easy,” she says. “Bay Woods.”
I groan. “Definitely not. Try again.”
She laughs. “You could always try Legionnaire. Mr. Meyer seemed smitten with you.”
“Ugh! Shel! I’m being serious!”
“Let me think…”
I wait in silence as I fold clothes. Where is my other gray sock?
“Duh!” Shel exclaims. “The veterinary clinic. Call Matt. His dad will take you in a heartbeat.”
“Yes!” I drop my socks back into the basket. “Shel, you’re a life saver.”
“Well, that is the idea. I am studying to be a doctor.”
After I hang up with her, I call Matt immediately. He seems just as excited as I am about the possibility of my working at the clinic. Apparently Sheila, the current office manager, is pregnant and due in January. Matt was asked to fill in for her, as he occasionally does, but he’s dreading the long commitment. He, too, has some classes to finish, but he doesn’t want to commute back and forth to school.
“I’ll talk to my dad about this tonight,” he says. “Take down his email address, so you can send him the school’s guidelines.”
I find a piece of scrap paper and scribble down the address as he recites it to me.
“It will be great to have you around again, Em,” Matt says sincerely. Too sincerely.
“You’ve been talking to Shel, haven’t you?” I ask suspiciously. She’s probably mentioned my fake visions.
He laughs. “Only every day.”
After emailing Matt and finishing laundry, I curl up on the couch and flip through the television channels. I finally settle on an episode of Dr. G Medical Examiner, and I imagine Shel as Dr. G. It makes me laugh. I know she prefers live bodies to dead ones, but as her investig
ative skills at Dane’s birthday party come back to me, I think she would make a great M.E.
As the show goes on, my body relaxes. Half way through I crash hard into a deep sleep. It’s so deep that I don’t change positions, I don’t dream, and I don’t feel LB jump on or off me. I’m dead to the world, just like one of Dr. G’s patients.
That’s why, when I feel my body being roughly shaken, I’m startled. I lash out, kicking and hitting. My foot connects with someone, and my eyes fly open. Garrett is standing above me.
“What do you want?” I ask angrily.
“There’s trouble,” Garrett says in somber tone.
I force my eyes open. “What are you talking about?”
“We need to get you out of here.”
He tries to grab my elbow, and I jerk it away. “No! Why?”
He looks at me with a mixed expression of anxiety and remorse. “You’re in danger.”
As soon as he utters those words, James immediately appears on the other side of the room. “What’s going on?” he demands.
Garrett regards him with a grave expression. “The Allegiant are coming for Emma.”
Chapter 21
“The hell they are,” James snaps.
Garrett turns to me. “I’m serious. You need to pack, and you need to pack now. I have access to some money –”
He’s cut off by James shoving him roughly against his shoulder. “She’s not going anywhere!”
“Listen!” Garrett eyes the both of us. “The Allegiant know.” He kneels in front of the couch to meet my eyes. “They will use James to get to me and use you to get to James.”
A thousand questions blaze through my brain. I know I should be scared, but all I feel is anger. “Then why don’t you disappear?”
“I will,” he says, and then looks at James over his shoulder. “We all need to.”
“What happened?” James presses, stepping forward. “Emma has done nothing wrong; she’s got nothing to do with being Reborn.”
Garrett stands to face to him. “Meg and Jenna were overheard.”
James squints in confusion. “So? Whatever was heard could easily be written off as gossip.”
