by Jeff Parker
Table of Contents
Praise
Title Page
Dedication
False Cognate
Our Cause
The Taste of Penny
An Evening of Jenga
The Boy and the Colgante
The Briefcase of the Pregnant Spylady
Owned
James Stories
James’s Fear of Birds
The Back of the Line
James’s Low Moment
James’s Love of Laundromats
Bingo
Two Hours and Fifty-three Minutes
Notes
Acknowledgements
Copyright Page
Praise for Jeff Parker’s novel Ovenman:
“Some books are funny, some beautifully written, and some capture an era, Jeff Parker’s novel Ovenman manages to do all three with ease...this is one of my favorite novels of the year.”
–David Gutowski, Largehearted Boy
“One of the most raucous and fun books I’ve read in ages... Ovenman is a frenetic blast of pleasure: a depiction of America at its skankiest, populated with unlikely heroes and told with a reckless glee that commands serious attention.”
–Chas Bowie, The Portland Mercury
“Equal parts sleazy and frenetic, Parker’s debut is a chortle-out-loud story about the sweaty, battle-scarred struggle between creating self-monuments and throwing hand grenades.”
–Annie Bethancourt, Willamette Week
“Ovenman reads like a high caliber graphic novel, minus the graphics. Cluttered, uncomfortable, compulsively crafted, unashamed of occasional farce or relentless surreal quirky distortion, this is writing you might imagine coming out of the brain of Julie Doucet, if she were a guy who lived in Florida.”
–Juliet Waters, Montreal Mirror
“Jeff Parker’s hilarious, oddly touching debut novel Ovenman deftly captures the underground-punk ‘90s. Thinfinger’s adventures in the culinary underground are more comical and way more punk than anything in Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential.”
–Michael Alan Goldberg, Seattle Weekly
“A keen little novel with a bruised pair of knuckles and an infectiously wry, smartass tone you’ll want to ride all the way.”
–Cyan James, Detroit Metro Times
“A brilliant addition to the growing genre of serious slacker
literature. Parker’s When Thinfinger is a direct descendant of
Ignatius J. Reilly, Frank Portman’s King Dork, Arthur Nersesian’s
F*ckup, and Sam Lipsyte’s Teabag…the most entertaining book
I read in 2007.”
–Dave Housley, E! Online
“…at once bleak and hopeful, weird and hilarious and as surprisingly insightful as its hapless main character.”
–Pasha Malla, Eye Weekly
“Parker’s hilarious debut…is full of surprises, dark humor and a cast of nutty eccentrics vast enough to staff a vulgar circus.”
–Publishers Weekly
for Mom and Bruce
False Cognate
WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED HERE, I HAD A SIMPLE request of our liaison, a handsome, tall woman with steel-blue eyes and a pancake face. I wasn’t yet confident in my Russian and needed a haircut. I asked her, in English, “Do you know, Tanya, where I can get a barber? I heard they go for about thirty rubles here.”
She looked at me with a rather sharp glance and said, “Thirty rubles is one dollar.”
“About what my last one was worth,” I said, mussing up my hair.
“That’s not for me to judge,” she said. “The best thing to do is wait at the bus stops. They’ll come up to you.”
“Come up to me?” I said.
“Eventually,” she said.
“That’s how people go about it?”
“I think so,” she said, then clip-clopped away.
I spent the better part of a week hanging out at the bus stops trying to look like I wanted a haircut. The only people who ever approached me were thin-lipped prostitutes.
Tanya avoided me after that. The whole cohort avoided me. At first I thought they were just an unsociable bunch, but sometimes, walking home at night, I’d see them all at the beer garden near my flat, laughing and having a good time. I’d pull up a chair and they’d suddenly evacuate. Later on, I convinced this Spanish guy who considered himself a Defender of Women to tell me why everyone hated me, and he said word got around that I had showed up the first day and asked the program liaison where I could find a whore. He added that I was what was wrong with Americans and didn’t I have a sister and—poking me in the chest with his finger—how would I feel if his Spanish ass came over to America expressly to fuck her?
I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about, but he looked like he was going to hit me. I left.
I gave it some thought, and the only explanation was that she’d mistaken the English word barber for the Russian word baba—a funny thing because I had a history with the word baba. I had written a prize-winning essay for my upper-level Russian Composition class in which I’d identified a flaw in an acclaimed Babel translation. Babel had a situation in which a simple young peasant girl, referred to as a baba, strolls into a bar drawing all the men’s attention. The word baba has three meanings: plumpish old woman, simple young peasant girl, and, in slang, whore. The translator had rendered it as an old haggard babushka, which didn’t make any sense. Why would the men find their attention inexplicably drawn to her, except for her hideousness, which wasn’t the point at all? I found the original, identified the problem, and composed the essay, winning the prize.
Since barber is not a common English word and our liaison’s English was about as good as my Russian, she could only hear a Russian approximate. False cognate. This was the only explanation. It works the other way too. When Russians, in the course of normal conversation, describe a lecture as exciting and inspirational the Russian word for which is pathetichiske, I hear only pathetic. At the kiosks late at night, young men ask for preservativi and I’m imagining cured pears when it’s the Russian word for condoms; when I hear narciss on the lips of a young woman strolling through the garden with her lover my immediate mind thinks self-involved prick when it somehow means daffodil.
For a couple days, I tried to set the record straight. I spoke to Tanya about it. “Why do you think I was mussing my hair while I asked you? What do babas have to do with hair?” She clearly didn’t believe me. I spoke to others in the cohort as well. “Like from my essay?” I said, “The one that won the prize? Imagine the irony!”
No one believed me.
So I was there with a group and by myself at the same time.
It turned out to be the best thing going for me.
While the others dance a vodka-tainted Merengue at a club called Havana Nights, I wash my socks in a bathroom designed so that you have to straddle the toilet to take a shower.
While the others are in classes, I check out the obscure museums, see Rasputin’s actual penis and Peter the Great’s collection of deformed babies, which float in jars like smooth balls of fresh mozzarella. I live the real Russian life: isolated, feet wet, maligned.
And on weekends they check the city of fountains or the Tsar’s Summer Palace or sun themselves bare- and flabbyassed on the rocky beach at the Peter and Paul Fortress. I take the bus to the provinces.
The Novgorod bus is late so I sit at the beer garden in the courtyard of my building and read the newspaper. Lena is sitting there with a friend, dark-skinned, maybe Tajek or Azerbajani. Lena hates me too. She hates me because I pee behind her office, a wooden shed with a keg inside it. My bladder is worthless and five minutes after a beer, I have to go. All the Russian guys go back there and so I do too.
Lena doesn’t like this, but the only option is to take the eight flights of stairs to my apartment and stand in the shower to pee.
Lena, who doesn’t think much of my Russian, says to her friend, “Take this goat, Choika. He doesn’t speak a word of Russian, and he pees behind this box every day.”
I buy a bottle of beer and some dried squid from her.
“You’re very beautiful,” I say in my admittedly heavily-accented Russian. “Three words in Russian. Oh, look at that—seven, eleven.” She spits over her shoulder.
Lena is very beautiful, but her friend even more so. I watch them over the top edge of the newspaper and when they look, drop my eyes to some paragraph: Sergei V. Yastrzhembsky, Putin’s senior advisor on Chechnya, suggests that Islamic extremists co-opt the Black Widows against their will to become suicide bombers. “Chechens are turning these young girls into zombies using psychotropic drugs,” Mr. Yastrzhembsky said. “I have heard that they rape them and record the rapes on video. After that, such Chechen girls have no chance at all of resuming a normal life in Chechnya. They have only one option: to blow themselves up with a bomb full of nails and ball bearings.”
Choika stands up. She is wearing a half-shirt and there’s a square Band-Aid displayed prominently on her hip. It looks like a nicotine patch, but the guide at the Erotica Museum who showed me Rasputin’s penis said that they’re the new fashion in birth control.
Choika and Lena hug each other and cry. Then Choika scurries across the street to where the bus has pulled into the station. I chug the rest of my beer and run after her.
The driver stands outside the bus smoking and collecting tickets. “Nice shoes,” he says to me. He’s in New Balance sneakers identical to mine. It’s obvious mine are authentic and his are the imitations you buy in the market. Already the threads along the tongue are pulled and loose. The rubber sole is separating. USA is embroidered on both our heels. “How much?” he says.
“They’re my only shoes.”
“It’s okay. Not a problem.”
Ahead of me in line, two babushkas lecture Choika on the length of her skirt. She tells them it’s the fashion. They say something about she won’t be welcome in Novgorod like that. She says in her opinion she’ll be very welcome.
I watch her shoes, white strappy things with heels like icepicks, and wonder why it is I think the word babushka rather than old lady. It comes easier than other words. I wonder when I’ll think devushka instead of girl. I want to think devushka instead of girl.
I grab the last seat across from Choika and the two babushkas, next to two passed-out soldiers. I smile at Choika. She clutches her bag and looks out the window.
The driver stands on the steps at the front of the bus and shouts, “Attention, attention. I am very sorry to report that the bathroom on this bus is out of order today. In light of this unfortunate development we will be stopping once or twice whenever the possibility for a bathroom opportunity presents itself.”
The soldier to my left comes to. He reaches across the aisle and puts his hand on Choika’s stockinged knee. “Oh Caucasian beauty,” he says.
The babushkas bang their canes against the seats.
“Relax my friends,” the soldier says. He removes his hand from her knee and puts it on mine. Choika never looks away from the window.
“Do you know the game Submarine?” he asks me.
“I’ve heard,” I say. The game is very popular among students. I had heard of those in my cohort playing. But no one was inviting me.
From what I gather a kind of game master they call Captain locks a group of friends in a flat with several bottles of vodka and some pickles. They cannot bring watches, and all clocks are unplugged. The telephone and television are removed by the Captain and no cell phones are permitted. He locks them in the flat and goes about his life, taking the key. The players block the light from all the windows and drink, sleep, drink, sleep, eat pickles, drink, sleep, etc. They are not allowed to peek out the window or stop drinking while they are awake. Two days later the Captain returns and lets them out.
He smiles at me. “We have been operating Submarine for ten days.”
“It’s a long time,” I say.
“Our Captain—he forgot about us.”
With his hand still on my knee, the soldier falls asleep again.
“You are giving away so much,” the babushka whispers to Choika.
“Much or not much,” Choika says.
I play out this fantasy: Choika is one of the Black Widows from the article.
And it makes a lot of sense. Her eyes never flinch. Even when the bus slams into potholes, she stares steadily out the window. Her bag is not quite big enough for luggage yet larger than an ordinary purse, the perfect size to conceal a wad of nails and ball bearings. She is just old enough to have had a young husband who died recently in the war.
How would she know Lena then? That was the hole…Unless Lena’s family, hard up for money like most Russian families, had become Chechen sympathizers purely out of financial necessity, taking in Black Widows, housing them, feeding them, taking care of them while plotting out the best, most populated, most unexpected routes. That was how they managed to buy that box with the keg in it where they sold dried squid and preservativi. I look around the bus. It’s packed.
I kind of get-off on this idea. I can already imagine the cutline on the national news back home: Black Widow suicide bomber blows up bus outside of St. Petersburg, Russia. One American is among the dead.
My life reduced to that one line. I lean across the seat to Choika and whisper, “Your way is fraught with peril; your plight, an admirable one.”
She does not turn her head.
“Devil,” the babushka says, crunching on sunflower seeds. “Now you’ve got foreigners drooling.”
I disturb the soldier’s hand from my knee and he jumps to his feet, wobbling slowly into the aisle and teetering to the back of the bus.
The driver, looking up at us from a rear-view mirror the size of an ironing board, yells at him. “Hey, jerk,” he says. “The bathroom is out of order.”
“I’ll piss the floor then,” the soldier says.
The driver swings the bus onto the shoulder, knocking the soldier down. The brakes are still hissing and the driver is up, halfway down the aisle. The other soldier grabs his arm as he goes by.
“Reconsider any manly-man,” the other solider says.
“No,” the driver says, “nothing like that.” The soldier in the aisle crawls to his feet again and lights a cigarette. “Friends,” the driver says, “let me talk to you then, outside. Everybody, let’s take a bathroom break.”
“Where are we supposed to go?” a woman shouts from the back. “Under some death cap?”
“Find a nice tree,” the driver says.
Choika stands up. I think, detonation.
“I believe someone asked you kindly, sir,” she says. “Where exactly are women supposed to go?”
“I believe someone answered, miss. There’s some congenial trees in the area,” the driver says. “They’re cleaner than most bathrooms. You have five minutes or we leave without you.”
“And what about ticks?” one of the babushkas says.
“Make sure you get their heads,” the driver says.
The babushkas break out some toilet paper and sell squares for two rubles each. Choika buys two. The passengers disperse into the forest. I hold it and eavesdrop. The soldiers and driver stand around a rock talking. There is a lot of nodding but I can’t hear them. The soldiers deliberate between one another and say something back to the driver. Then they all shake hands and pee together on the rock.
I go towards what I think is Choika’s tree. Another woman I don’t recognize steps out and yells at me for sneaking up on her. I use her tree after she’s gone and when I’m done Choika and the soldiers are back on the bus and the driver is beeping.
I take the small portion of the seat the soldiers leave me. The soldier who’d ke
pt his hand on my knee holds out his hand, this time to shake. “Andre Andrevich,” he says. “Let me guess: Fritz?”
“American,” I say.
“Even better,” he says, scooting over to give me more room. “Share some beer with us.” He takes a warm bottle from his duffle bag and hands it to me. “The danger in playing Submarine is in the doors. Russian doors are the problem, but, well, let’s say you don’t have to worry about them when you have a responsible Captain. Our Captain was also interested in drinking. And one of the rules of Submarine—strictly enforced by players—is that you cannot look out the window and you cannot know the time, and as a consequence you never know how long you’ve been playing.”
“You don’t get light through the crevices?” I ask.
“You get, which is why you tape the curtains to the wall with electrical tape.”
The other soldier knocks on the window to get Choika’s attention. She is like a statue, a perfect flesh statue with a birth control patch on her hip. The other soldier hunkers down in his seat to try and see up her skirt.
“You should be in Submarine for two days, but sometimes time goes slow and sometimes fast. We think it was the sixth day when we realized, perhaps time was going too slow.”
“It seems impossible to me, to mistake six days for two,” I say.
“Luckily, we had good amounts of vodka, and pickled garlic.”
He replaces my beer and takes the empty. He puts the empties on the floor and says, “Watch this.” He points at his watch. The babushkas set these newspaper hats full of sunflower seeds on the seat and pick up the empties. They drop them in plastic sacks and go back to eating their seeds. “Five seconds,” he says, “a new record.”
