It hit me out of nowhere.
This time, the craving for cocaine was stronger than before, muffling the sounds of the men around me, until all I could focus on was my need for it.
I wanted to run over to the cabinets and begin throwing doors open to look for blow. I knew they had to have some around here somewhere. I’d wait until they went back to bed and then I’d ransack the whole damn clubhouse if I needed to.
“You alright, kid?” Twitch eyed me curiously, “You zoned out on us.”
I nodded absentmindedly and ended up knocking the tools needed to be sterilized into the floor. “Yeah, just tired—that’s all.”
Rooster placed a hand on my arm. “Why don’t you go on back upstairs? We can take over from here. Joker, you mind getting Neve back to her room?”
The mute shook his head and offered me his arm and I wearily took it, even though I wanted to run screaming from the room—to claw at my skin until I could shed it. Anything to not feel like this. I’d been giving Guardrail advice as if I’d somehow mastered the art of staying sober.
I was nothing but a fraud.
Joker helped me back into bed and then left, closing the door softly behind him. I focused on each inhale and exhale while waiting for the clubhouse to settle into silence. I willed my mind to relax, but nothing seemed to work.
I was damn near salivating at the thought of getting high.
I listened as the men carried Guardrail up to his room and then doors began opening and closing. The sounds of their voices faded, but I waited an extra thirty minutes just to be safe.
I hated myself.
Loathed my need for this drug.
I didn’t understand it—I’d kicked the habit.
I shoved the blankets off my legs in frustration before roughly running my hands over my face. I needed to stay in bed—just close my eyes and get some sleep.
I lasted thirty seconds and then I was up, creeping silently across the carpet in my room. I was just going to look around; not use. I turned the door handle and took two steps into the darkened hallway before falling over a figure in the dark.
“I thought I might get some company if I camped out in the hallway,” the voice whispered to me as I crawled over him and pushed myself up onto my knees.
“Why are you out here, Twitch?”
He offered me his hand and pulled us both up off the floor. “I could ask you the same thing, but I think we both know the answer to that. C’mon.”
He led me downstairs and out toward the back deck before gesturing to an empty chair. “Have a seat.” He started pacing across the deck as if he was arguing with himself, but stopped abruptly and turned back to me. “How bad is it?”
“Truthfully?”
He sighed. “Only way to be, kid.”
I chewed on my lip. “I want to crawl out of my skin. I just want to feel happy again. To not feel anything, but mind-numbing pleasure.”
Twitch nodded, immediately understanding what I meant. “Charm’ll probably have my ass, but I can get you something to take the edge off.”
I wiped my sweaty palms on my sweatpants, resisting the urge to bounce my legs in excitement. He stepped back inside long enough to grab a glass pipe before sitting down in the chair across from me. He must’ve noted my wary expression because he held the pipe up toward me. “Hash pipe, kid. Jesus, you think I’d bring crack out here? Charm might be pissed that I’m giving you weed, but he’d have me strung up over crack.”
I watched as he packed the bowl, using the porch light to see. He lit the end of it and took a few puffs before offering it to me.
“I’ve never done this before.”
He nodded. “You prefer a bong or a joint?”
I clarified, “I mean, I’ve never smoked pot before. Like ever.”
Twitch’s eyes widened. “Fuck me. I just assumed with your…history…well, it doesn’t matter.” He showed me how to inhale and we passed the pipe back and forth a few times.
He was right—the marijuana diminished the cravings until I could think clearly again. It was a completely different high than what I’d ever experienced with blow—cocaine left me feeling jittery, but with the weed, I felt relaxed.
Calm.
My mind wasn’t racing with thoughts of the past. I was in control again; quietly existing alongside Twitch. It was nice—just sitting here with him. I felt like we could stay right here forever. We wouldn’t worry about what tomorrow would bring; the two of us would just enjoy the scenic view from the porch.
The fog from the cocaine withdrawals left my system and my brain—not content to remain idle—went right back to focusing on Charm and all the reasons why he kissed me and then took off. I closed my eyes and let the back of my head hit the chair with a small sigh.
New plan—I would sit out here forever until I unraveled the mystery that was Charm, Prez of the Scarred Savages.
“Better?”
I opened one eye and nodded at him. Twitch might’ve only been a few years older than me; it was hard to tell. The parts of his face that weren’t covered in wild facial hair were smooth and clear, indicating youth. His beard was straight out of the nineteenth century, with thick mutton chops connecting into a full beard near his chin. He was underweight, a side effect of his drug use, most likely. It was his eyes that made it impossible to guess; they were hard...aged. As if he’d seen more than one person ever should in life.
I didn’t know how many times he’d fallen off the wagon, but judging by the visible track marks on his arms, it must’ve been a lot. His arms were sleeved in tattoos, but the scars were still visible through the ink. There were several on his wrists that looked a little like slashes.
He surprised me when he reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and I brought my eyes back up to his face. His hand lingered near my cheek. “You’re a good person, Neve. I think you’ll make it.”
I leaned into his palm and smiled. “So are you, Twitch. Thanks for looking out for me tonight—maybe we could keep this between us though?”
He stroked my cheek. “Yeah, kid. Just me and you.” His eyes were half-open and he looked like he was on the verge of falling asleep. He set the pipe down and grabbed me in a tight hug. Just when I expected him to release me, he pulled me onto his lap.
I looked at him questioningly. “What are you doing?”
“Shhhh…” He whispered. “Just let me hold you. I won’t try anything, I swear. It’s been a long time since I’ve just been close to someone else. Do you ever feel like that? Like you just need to feel another human being to not feel so fucking alone?”
I settled against his shoulder and closed my eyes. I nodded because I knew exactly what he meant. I’d yearned for that very thing since my parent’s deaths. There were times that I’d been sitting in the very same room, mere feet from Clint, yet felt as though I was locked inside a prison cell. I couldn’t imagine that being with the Savages would’ve given him many opportunities to meet someone and fall in love. “What did you do before this, Twitch? Have you always been with the club?”
He shifted me over before answering. “Grew up in the club. I joined the Marines after high school, but got injured in combat in Afghanistan—blew out my knee. That was it.”
He continued talking, unaware that I’d gone stiff in his arms.
What were the odds that there would’ve been two men who’d gone overseas to fight?
Two men who would’ve blown out their knees, ending their military careers early?
It couldn’t have been. Charm hated him—he never would’ve allowed him into the club.
I pulled back and stared down at him in disbelief, finally seeing a truth I’d missed. They weren’t identical, but those eyes were the exact same as his twin’s. In spite of what he’d witnessed in battle, he still had a kindness about him that Gunner lacked.
“Bobby?” I whispered, as my hand traced down the side of his face and he went white.
His own hand came up to cup my cheek, his v
oice quivering as he said, “I knew you’d find your way back. That first morning, I sat out there, praying you’d come back to me.”
A tear slipped from my eye and I began shaking my head. “Twitch, no. It’s me. Neve. I’m not her. I’m so sorry.”
He released me and stood up, knocking me over in the process. Somehow, his hand shot out and caught me right before I hit the porch though. I expected him to say something, but he just kept studying my face, as if it might morph into hers.
Finally, he took a step back and ran both hands over his face roughly. “How? Jesus fuck, is this a joke? You knew who I was. Your hair—your eyes…” He paused and watched me helplessly.
I ran the back of my hand across my eyes as more tears fell. “I read Charm’s notebook. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I just put two and two together from that. I’m sorry.” I admitted it all, realizing that these weren’t just characters in a story. They were men who’d grown up in a bad situation that had only gotten worse as time went on. I may have come in and read their stories, but I didn’t really know them.
And, in that moment, what I’d done felt wrong—even disrespectful somehow.
He surprised me when he pressed his lips to my temple before backing away slowly. “I’m just gonna head up to bed. You sure you’re good now? Not feeling any more cravings?”
I shook my head. “Twitch, I’m fine. You don’t have to leave, I can go.”
His lips flattened into a straight line, disappointment radiating off of him before he left me alone on the porch. I waited a few minutes before going in to retrieve Tales from Both Sides of the Brain; if ever I needed a distraction, tonight was it.
I curled up in the chair, struggling to focus on the words. The author had written about his daughter marrying his second wife’s brother, which should’ve held my attention, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
The words blended into gibberish as I struggled to make sense of Charm allowing Twitch to patch in. The sounds of summer surrounded and lulled me into a state somewhere between awake and asleep. Every few seconds, my body would jolt back to consciousness, only to drift off again.
“Neve…”
I shifted, convinced I was dreaming because there was no way I was hearing that voice.
“Neve, honey, wake up.”
I sat up, unaware of how long I’d been out. The sky was still dark, but I was no longer alone. Somehow, I’d slept through the rumble of motorcycles. “I’m awake, sorry.”
Charm took in the book on my lap and the blanket I’d snagged from my bed. “Doing some late-night reading?”
I shook my head. “No, I was actually about to go off on a moonlit killing spree in the woods. Care to join me?”
He squeezed his eyes shut even as a grin lit up his face. “Jesus Christ, Neve. Some of the stuff that comes out of your mouth. What have you been up to since I left?”
Emboldened by the smile on his face, I said, “Left? Don’t you mean ran away?”
Charm’s smile faded. “It wasn’t like that. I had—”
“Oh, I know. ‘Club business.’ What does she win, Johnny? Neve, you’re the proud owner of a new car!”
I was on a roll. I didn’t know whether it was the pot or just my pent-up emotions over what we’d shared at the cliffs that day.
He sank down onto the chair in front of mine. “Are you high right now?”
I focused on his right ear as I answered. “No. Are you?”
He stiffened, even as he leaned forward. “Why are you so mad? You made your feelings known and I’ve stayed away. End of discussion.”
I sputtered, “End of discussion? You kiss me out of the blue and it’s just end of discussion?” I got up and began pacing the length of the porch, frantic energy coursing through my veins.
Charm took the opportunity to stretch his legs across my vacated chair, firing me up even more. He had no right looking like he was about to fall asleep, while I was over here still waiting for answers. “What do you want, Neve? You were there and I took a chance. Ain’t nothin’ to talk about, Sweetheart. It didn’t mean shit.”
I took a step backward, as if his words had physically slapped me across the face, instead of just emotionally. “So, if it meant nothing, did you tell your girl?”
He scratched at his beard and frowned. “My girl? What the hell are you talking about?”
My eyes stung with unshed tears, but I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t going to fall apart over something that had obviously been nothing more than an opportunity that presented itself. I tried to phrase the words in a way that in no way implied that I’d been reading his journal. “I saw the picture in your room, of you and a woman. I couldn’t destroy a relationship. You seemed so happy and I don’t wanna be the person who messes that up.”
That’s what I did, wasn’t it? Destroy things that were once good?
So, maybe I’d made him smile a handful of times. Rae had probably done the very same thing hundreds more. It was naïve of me to think that what we had between us had been special. Hell, he’d just come right out and told me that it hadn’t meant a damn thing.
Charm leaned back in the chair, his arms crossed over his chest, giving nothing away. “So, your only reason for pushing me away is because of the picture you saw? And if you hadn’t seen it, then what?”
Well, I read the journal too…so, I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t live with being your sloppy seconds when I’ve read about how fiercely you loved Rae.
Obviously, that was something I could never vocalize.
I sighed. “Well, I probably would’ve done the same thing. If I let my personal feelings cloud my judgment, then what happens when things fall apart? I really like it here—these men have become like brothers to me. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.”
“You think I’d throw you out if it didn’t work out between us? I wouldn’t do that to you, honey. You’ve proven yourself to be a part of this club.”
Honey.
He’d said it before, when I had the nightmare, and then again when we went cliff jumping. It was such a small word, yet it stirred up big feelings inside of me. Feelings that I could never act on. When he called me ‘sweetheart’ it was different. He’d always said it condescendingly.
I hurriedly rushed out, “This is all hypothetical—it’s not like it matters.”
But, it had mattered.
Every second spent with him left me wanting more. I mashed my lips together in an effort not to cry.
Charm watched me carefully. “Neve, maybe you should go upstairs—try to get some sleep. Things will be better in the morning.”
I nodded and he stood up. Just before I made it to the door, he intercepted me. “I—” He stood there frozen, his massive hands gripping my shoulders to the point of pain.
I didn’t mean to, but the hint of cigar smoke that clung to him hit my nose, igniting memories that left me unsteady. I leaned in and inhaled and then his hands were on my face, backing me up toward the side of the lodge.
I’d never wanted to be someone without a conscience, until now. I wanted all of the pleasure and none of the guilt.
Charm’s mouth hovered inches above mine, so close that his hair tickled along my cheek. All I had to do was stretch up onto my toes. One small movement and we’d be connected.
His exhales were ragged, but warm against my face. I tilted my chin up even more, begging him to make a move, while my mind waged a war with morality.
“Goodnight, Neve,” he whispered, and the spell was broken. He held the door open for me on my way inside, but refused to make eye contact again before disappearing down the hall to his study.
I moved up the stairs faster than ever before and slipped back into bed with a pounding heart and an incredible sense of guilt. I was still in the process of steadying my breathing when I was struck by the full impact of Twitch’s words.
If he was under the assumption that I was Rae reincarnated, then there hadn’t been some last-minute miracle.
Either Twitch’s mind was gone from years of drug use or Rae was dead. Neither was a particularly positive conclusion.
And there was no way that I could stay much longer. Perhaps there wasn’t any place in the world where I’d be immune to the effects of Charm, but I wasn’t willing to compete with a ghost for his affections.
Chapter Eighteen
I had a dream last night that she was gone. I shrugged it off as a nightmare, but I think it was a premonition. Vic and I have tried everything to keep her well, but nothing seems to last. She’s lost even more weight and sleeps all the time.
I wanted to ask her about the baby, but the words refused to come out. Maybe, on another level, I don’t want the truth. It would only make a terrible situation worse.
Bobby has fallen into some bad shit.
It’s like he wants to go down with her…
Charm was right—things did look different that next morning. For starters, he was gone…again. The days turned into weeks, but my escape plan was still nothing more than a wistful idea.
I simply wasn’t sure how to put it in motion and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. These men were no longer my begrudging rescuers, but brothers. I didn’t know when the shift happened, but I was dreading the day that I’d leave Kasselhessen—and them—for good.
Guardrail was slowly starting to get up and moving again. After Doc confirmed my diagnosis of a sprain, we’d taken turns helping out with his care. I’d braced myself for the drinking—had even written several statistic-laden speeches in my head, but I couldn’t bring myself to lecture him for his coping mechanisms. After that night, it was obvious that I could barely manage myself.
It was inevitable; he was going to go right back to it as if nothing happened, and I was going to bite my tongue in keeping my opinion to myself, knowing he might not be so lucky the next time.
I’d mentally prepared myself as best I could, so when I saw the note in his familiar chicken scratch, I damn near fell over in shock.
Hey Doll, can you pick up some O’Doul’s at the store?
I’d considered swapping out his beer with the non-alcoholic stuff, but the desire to remain alive had me rethinking the entire idea. Maybe he’d actually taken some of my ideas to heart. There was no doubt in my mind that he was still getting the real stuff, but it meant a lot to me that he’d at least try.
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