“Just ask her?”
“Yeah, what’s the worse that can happen?”
* * *
The following day, Brielle is still acting strangely. I’ve tried to bring the emails up a few times, but the problem is that I’m not supposed to know about the emails. Plural. I’m only supposed to know about one. And I can’t very well accuse her of keeping the others away from me without incriminating myself.
But there’s something else on my mind as well. Brielle and I haven’t had sex since she got Ryan’s first email. She’s trying to act normal, but it doesn’t feel natural. It’s like she’s forcing herself to be friendly. Or maybe it’s just my own feelings being mirrored back to me?
“Want to go horseback riding, today?” I ask Brielle, popping into her room after breakfast. I’m not expecting a yes, by any means. I’ve gone horseback riding multiple times without her, and she has avoided going with me for weeks for a variety of reasons. For one, she’s afraid of horses. She can’t even let one smell her hand without recoiling. This isn’t really a good sign, not according to most horse experts. According to lore, only people who are inauthentic are afraid of horses, because horses can spot a fake from a mile away.
Another reason is that she’s angry at Sebastian for breaking my legs. They’re not all like Sebastian, of course. For one thing, they’re not all young stallions. I’ve reassured her about this multiple times, but she still won’t step foot into his part of the barn.
“Sure, that will be great,” Brielle says. I look at her, unsure if I heard her correctly.
“What?” I ask. I’ve forgotten the question.
“Let’s go horseback riding,” she smiles. I’m not sure if I believe her.
“Really? Why the sudden change of mind?” I ask her when we are already on our way over to the barn.
“Just looks fun,” Brielle says. There’s a slight hesitation in her voice as if she’s trying to cover something up. But I’m not going to let her back out.
* * *
“Hey! Hey!” I hear someone yell behind us. I turn around and see O wobbling toward us. It’s supposed to be a run, but at this point she’s so pregnant that it’s not really a run anymore.
“Hey! Wait up!” she yells when we are already standing still near the barn. When she finally reaches us, her beet-red face sparkles in the sun. She grins from ear to ear.
“Are you okay?” Brielle asks. “What’s wrong?”
“No, nothing,” O says catching her breath. “Really good news. Just give me a moment.”
We wait in anticipation for her to get a handle on her breathing. She seems to be taking her sweet time.
“I just talked to your mom,” she finally manages. “She’s getting married. Do you know that?”
Brielle’s face falls. She looks at the ground. There’s a mixture of anger and disappointment building behind her eyes.
Finally, she nods. O doesn’t seem to notice a thing. Excitement flows out of her and she loses her breath again.
“I just talked to her and she’s really into doing a very small wedding. She was actually thinking of eloping, but then she thought about you and how much she wants you to be there.”
“Oh thanks,” Brielle says sarcastically. “I’m glad that she gave her only daughter at least that much thought.”
“Anyway,” O rolls her eyes. “Danielle and I talked about what she wanted, and she was thinking of going to a courthouse and doing some small dinner in LA. And then I said, why doesn’t she just come to our house?”
“Our house?” The prospect of a wedding at our house scared the hell out of me. “No, no, no, O. Don’t you remember the disaster that was Mom and Dad’s vow renewal ceremony? It took like a year to plan and occupied the house for nearly a month!”
“Hear me out, Wyatt!” O put her hand up.
“What the hell are you doing?” I can’t help but laugh. “Sticking your hand in my face? What is this the 90’s?”
“Okay, sorry! I just need you to hear me out. Brielle! Where are you going?”
I turn around and see that Brielle is already halfway back to the house. I run after her calling her name. O follows slowly behind me.
“Brielle! Wait up!” I grab her arm and spin her around.
“Leave me alone.” Brielle’s crying. Large, round tears are slowly rolling down her face. Her lips are puffy and the lipgloss that had only a minute ago glistened on them has disappeared.
“Where are you going?”
“What does it matter? Leave me alone!”
“Brielle, please,” I try again. But I feel like I’m losing her.
“Leave me alone, Wyatt! Let go. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
I let her go. O finally catches up.
“Brielle, please. Wait. I didn’t tell you everything,” O says. Brielle turns on her heel to walk away but then stops.
“And what is it that you left out? How you’re going to have this glamorous wedding for my mother and her wealthy fiancé here at the house? And how much fun you two will have planning all the details? And picking out the dress?
“No,” O shakes her head. Brielle doesn’t understand. “No, not at all. That’s the thing. Your mom doesn’t want a big wedding. It’s going to be hardly a wedding at all. More like a special occasion dinner. They’re just going to say their vows, and then we’ll all have dinner. No one’s coming besides you and us. And the only reason I think Wyatt and I are even invited is because we live at this house.”
Brielle hesitates. I feel her processing all the information.
“She doesn’t want a wedding?” she finally asks.
O shakes her head. “No, not at all.”
“Not at all?” I ask. A wave of relief covers me from head to toe.
“I knew you’d be ecstatic about this too,” O says pointing to me. “He’s not one for lavish parties.”
Chapter 24 - Brielle
I can’t believe the roller coaster of emotions that I went through when I heard about my mom’s wedding. I’d agreed to go horseback riding with Wyatt, because I’ve reached the end of my rope regarding reasonable excuses. He has become really suspicious of practically everything I do ever since the Ryan emails, and I needed to find a way to reconnect with him. We haven’t had sex since I got that first email from Ryan. And that’s unacceptable!!
Walking over to the barn, I was trembling. Shaking like a leaf on a cool autumn day. I heard somewhere the horses can tell right away if you’re not being honest, and I was terrified that my secret from Wyatt would come to the surface. Then, just when I was worrying about the whole Ryan debacle, a whole other thing shook my world.
My mom is getting married. She’s actually doing it!
And she’s coming here. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this last part. O is excited. She’s over the moon to be exact. But me? I don’t know.
“Are you okay?” Wyatt says. I turn to face him. I’d completely forgotten that he was in the room. How long had I been staring into space like this?
“Yeah,” I flash him a quick smile. “Fine.”
“Not so sure,” he says picking up his phone.
In the span of only a few weeks, we have managed to become an old married couple. Not sure how all of this took place, but suddenly, there is an ocean between us, even though there are only inches that separate our bodies.
Only a few weeks ago, just laying this close to him would’ve sent shivers over my whole body. All I would’ve thought about is how to find just the location for my arm so that I can brush up against him, accidentally. But now. Now things are different. My mind is elsewhere. On two things specifically. My mom’s impending nuptials and Ryan’s disconcerting emails.
“Brielle? What can I do? What’s wrong?” he puts his phone away and faces me.
“I want this to work,” he says. I’m covered in cold sweat.
“What do you mean? I want this to work, too. Very much so.”
“I’m no so sure,” he shrugs. “
Things are so different between us, now. It’s like you’re running away from me or something. Every time I see you, you make some excuse to avoid me. To not spend time with me.”
“No, no I don’t.” I don’t know what else to say but deny the truth.
“Yes, yes, you do,” he’s not letting me get off that easily. “There’s something going on that you’re not telling me.”
I shake my head.
“Why are you lying to me, Brielle? Why?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about?”
“Really? Really? You’re going to go there?” he gets up and takes his phone. I shrug and wait.
“And what about these emails? You got two other emails from Ryan after that first one. He’s apologizing. He wants to see you.”
The whole world went silent. I felt like I was punched in my stomach. How does he know about the other emails?
“Are you going through my phone?”
“Yes, I did. I’m sorry about that. But you were acting very weird, Brielle. I had to do something. I had to find out what was wrong.”
I can’t speak. My mouth is parched and I feel like I’m going to pass out any second now. “I can’t believe you went through my phone.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry about that. But please tell me what’s going on with Ryan. At first, I thought it was nothing. Just some ex. But your behavior after you got the emails just got stranger and stranger. Now, I know that something’s going on.”
I can’t say a word. I feel like I’m choking. I also want to choke him.
“No,” I finally manage. “Nothing’s going on.”
It’s not true. A part of me is screaming on the inside to tell him. Tell him the truth. It’s not as bad as he’s imagining it to be, but my fear is not letting me. I’m too scared to tell the truth. So all I can do is lie. And get mad.
“There’s nothing going on, Wyatt. Not with Ryan and me. But I can’t believe you went through my phone. Are you that fuckin’ insecure? Are you that much of a coward?”
I’m riling myself up to make all of this his fault. It’s not right, but blaming him is all I can do in this situation. There’s a look of disappointment in his eyes. Quickly, it turns into anger.
“I thought you were better than this, Brielle. I thought that we had something. Real.”
“We do. But we can’t continue to have it without you trusting me.”
“I do trust you,” he whispers. “At least, I did until right now. I know that something is going on. With you and Ryan. Otherwise, you wouldn’t react like this.”
“You don’t know shit,” I say and turn away from him. Just tell him the truth. The truth. It’s not this bad. It will stop him from thinking all these bad things about you. About you and Ryan. I try to find the words, but nothing comes out.
“There is no me and Ryan. He’s some ex. That’s it,” I finally manage to utter.
“Why is he writing you? What does he want?”
I can’t even imagine. I can’t let my mind go there. Shivers run up my spine, and I start to shake. Wyatt doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What he’s asking me to say.
“What is he apologizing for, Brielle? What happened between you two?” He asks carefully. He can probably sense my anxiousness. The depths of which he will hopefully never know.
“Nothing really,” I shrug. But I have to offer him more than that. “Okay, we dated. For a bit. Not long. And then I broke up with him. That’s it.”
I pray that that’s enough information. But it’s not.
“So what is he apologizing for?”
I need to offer him more. Tell him the truth, I say to myself over and over again while Wyatt waits patiently.
“He just didn’t take it very well, that’s it,” I finally say. I can’t look Wyatt in the eye. I feel like he can sense the truth just by looking at me. When we finally do make eye contact, I realize that he can’t. His expression is completely blank. Like one of those that Buddhist monks have when they reach enlightenment. I saw a documentary on them recently on Netflix, and it clearly left an impression.
“Is that all?” Wyatt asks quietly.
“Yes,” I nod. Please leave this alone. Please. Please. Pretty please.
“You’re full of shit, Brielle. You know that?”
His words hit me so hard, they knock the breath out of me.
“It’s true,” I whisper.
“No. No, it’s not. You know that. And I know that,” he says and walks away.
When he reaches the door, I start after him.
“Wyatt, please.”
“We have nothing else to talk about, Brielle. Unless you want to tell me the truth.”
“This is the truth,” I start to sob. Please believe me.
“No, it’s not,” he shakes his head and walks out.
Big fat tears start to roll down my face. I’m a coward. I’m a freak. Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? I love this man. I did nothing wrong. And yet, something kept me silent.
Of course, I know perfectly well what it was that kept me silent.
Pain. Shame.
To admit what happened was to make it true again. It was to contaminate this house with all that darkness and hopelessness. No, I couldn’t do that. I can’t do.
But was that worth this? Worth Wyatt thinking that Ryan and I was anything at all? Worth Wyatt having doubts about me and how much I love him?
Love. We haven’t used that word yet. Not really. But I love him. I’ve known I loved him for a long time now. And until the emails, I was pretty sure that he loved me too. Shit. Shit. Shit. How could I screw this up so badly? I buried my head in my knees and cried until all sense of time disappeared.
* * *
One day passed. And then another. And then another five. Wyatt and I still didn’t speak. He avoided me in the hallways and ate dinner and lunch at different times from me. O still spoke to me, thankfully, and she was sweet and kind and a friend that I really needed.
“I think I’m going to leave soon,” I tell O at dinner on the sixth day of our silence.
“What? No!”
“Yes,” I nod. “After the wedding.”
The wedding is in two days. My mom is arriving tomorrow morning. I tried to get out of it. I tried to get her to move it to somewhere else. But O interfered. She said that she didn’t care that Wyatt and I were no longer together or were having drama. Danielle was her friend, and the wedding was not getting cancelled just because things got a little tense.
“No, you can’t leave!”
“I have to. I don’t think Wyatt and I are together anymore. He won’t say a word to me. And I just can’t stay here like this. I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”
“But you’re my friend, too. Please stay. Stay until after the birth, at least.”
I think about it for a moment. She’s due in two months, but I don’t think I can manage here for that long.
“I don’t know, O. I’d love to. But this thing with Wyatt and me is serious. He won’t say a word to me. I don’t think I can stay here for two more months like that.”
“Are you sure you can’t work it out?”
O knows about Ryan. At least, as much as Wyatt does. And that’s enough. I can’t share any more than that.
I nod. “I don’t know what he wants from me. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him the truth. What else can I do?”
O shrugs. She feels my pain. I can tell by the hurt expression on her face. The problem is that I know what else I can do. I can tell him the truth. The real truth. The one that he feels is somewhere below the surface of all our conversations. The only problem is that I’m a coward, and I can’t bring myself to tell him any of it. I can’t bring myself to say any of it out loud.
And the worst part of all this? Is that I’m willing to give up the best thing that ever happened because I’m such a coward. It makes me sick to my stomach!
My mom arrives the following morning. She is as radiant as I�
�ve ever seen her. Her hair shines in the sunlight, and her skin has a beautiful glow to it. Her eyes are wide, and she’s wearing fake eyelashes that make them look triple their normal size. And there’s something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
“Hello, darlings,” she hugs me and then O. “Oh what a beautiful place you have here! It seems to get more gorgeous every time I visit.”
When she embraces O, I finally realize what it is that adds to her beauty. Her lips. They aren’t pursed from tension and anxiety anymore. Instead, they are calm and relaxed. Glowing just like the rest of her.
“Here, let me introduce you to my darling husband to be. Luke!”
A distinguished man with a few gray hairs on the sides extends his hand. I’m about to shake it, but instead he brings it up to his lips and kisses the back of my hand.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Brielle,” Luke says with a slight French accent. His words are soothing.
I watch my mom introduce Luke to O, Mr. Whitewater and eventually Wyatt who all respond warmly to his calm demeanor. After all the introductions are made, Luke takes my mother’s hand and tells everyone what a pleasure it is to meet her friends.
There’s a genuine goodness to his way of being in the world. He hugs my mother when he doesn’t have to, as if he is drawn to her by some invisible magnet. Not long ago, Wyatt and I had this same way of being. It’s called being in love. Even before O takes my mom and me upstairs for the dress fittings and the men head to the other part of the house to try on tuxedos, I know that what my mom and Luke have is real.
“So what do you think?” Mom takes my arm on our way up the stairs.
“I like him,” I say. “He seems to really love you.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she wraps her arms around my shoulders. A wave of relief sweeps over her face. It’s like she has been holding her breath, and now she can let it out.
It makes me happy that I can provide this sense of relief for my mom. And it makes me even more happy that, at this moment, I’m not lying. I’m telling the truth. It feels good. So good, that for a brief moment, I consider telling Wyatt the truth.
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