Looking for Julie

by Jackie Calhoun

  “Your mama helps people who feel sad,” Peg said. “Don’t you think that’s just as important as the kind of doctor who fixes you when you’re sick?”

  Julie smiled at Peg. “Hey, you’re better at this than I am. You talk and I’ll eat.”

  When the kids were in bed, Julie worked on her laptop. Peg went out to the barn to check the horses one last time. The house they’d had built in the hayfield next to the barn was quiet. She put the finishing touches on her lecture and shut the computer down as Peg came in from the barn and went to shower.

  In bed Julie asked about her day, and Peg talked about working with a new horse and its young owner. “I rode him today. He’s four and a little spooky. I wish parents would choose older horses for their kids to ride. It would be easier for everybody. Nice looking animal, though.”

  Peg had gone into partnership with her brother. They trained and showed horses. Peg gave the lessons and usually rode the youth and amateur horses, while Cam showed their young stallion and judged horse shows.

  “I’m taking Peggy with me to Madison Saturday. Her dad will be in town.”

  “Say hello to him for me.”

  “I just found out today that one of my student clients from UW-Madison has been looking for me. A concerned colleague told me about her. She’s going through something really harrowing. I asked the Madison office to give her a call.”

  “I’d be looking for you, too, if you disappeared. Didn’t you give a forwarding address?”

  “Yes, but not on the web. I didn’t want ex-clients calling me, since I wasn’t doing therapy. Now that I have to take Peggy down there anyway, I suppose I should change that.”

  “What’s going to happen when you start working at Family Care full time, when the sabbatical is over?”

  “I’ll be on Family Care’s Web site, but I’ll still have to go to Madison when Joe’s in town.” Joe, Peggy’s father and Julie’s ex-husband, was a Congressman. “I really thought this girl was going to be all right.” She felt some guilt about that assumption.

  Saturday morning she wakened Peggy at six. Peg got up at the same time and fixed breakfast for the girls. Charlie was an early riser and was eating Cheerios off the tray of the high chair when Julie came into the kitchen.

  “Want some oatmeal?” Peg asked from the stove.

  “You’re a talented cook,” Julie teased. She kissed Charlie’s dark hair and sat down next to Peggy. “Good morning everyone.”

  “Juwee,” Charlie shouted. She banged a spoon against the tray and Cheerios flew in all directions.

  “Hi, baby,” Julie said.

  “I’m your baby,” Peggy said grumpily.

  “You’re my big girl.” Julie smoothed her daughter’s flyaway blond hair.

  After breakfast, Julie told Peggy to get her backpack and kissed Peg and Charlie. “See you tonight.”

  “Drive safe,” Peg said, cleaning up Charlie’s face and hands. She would take her to her mother’s house next door while she worked with horses and clients. Peggy ran back in the kitchen, dragging her backpack.

  “Okay, kiddo, let’s go,” Julie said.

  Peggy slept most of the way to Madison, so Julie had time to think. She had several appointments that day. Three of them were students who, like Sam, were there because they’d in some way threatened suicide.

  How do you make kids understand that the present is just a blip in their lives? How do you convince them that getting dumped by a girl or boyfriend is not the end of the world? With some kids it was about loneliness. With gay kids it was often about fitting in or being bullied. Always, it was about family. More and more, alcohol and drugs and abuse were part of the picture.

  She parked outside Joe’s apartment around eight forty-five and walked with Peggy to the door. On her toes, Peggy pushed the buzzer and when Joe said, “Who is it?” she shouted “It’s me, Daddy.”

  Joe met them in the front hall. Peggy leaped into his open arms and he smiled at Julie, who smiled back. He loved his daughter, that much was obvious. “How you been?” he asked.

  “Okay. And you?” Gray had crept into his hair.

  Peggy kissed him on the cheek. “You’re bristly, Daddy.”

  He lightly rubbed his cheek against hers and growled, “I just got up.”

  “I’m good,” Julie said.

  “Want a cup of coffee?”

  “No, thanks. I’ll be back around five. Is that soon enough?”

  “Yeah, sure.” He winked at her. “Save the world.”

  “That’s your job.” She leaned forward and kissed Peggy. “See you later.”

  She used her card to let herself into the back door of the clinic and walked to the office she used on Saturdays. Taking off her coat, she went to say hello to the phone workers, who doubled as receptionists on Saturdays. One of them gave her the schedule with her appointments on it. She saw Sam’s name opposite three o’clock and was glad.

  She went to her office. One of the phone workers would unlock the main door and let her know when a client arrived.

  At three she went to get Sam, who was reading. She noticed the studs in her ears and the tiny one in her nose, all that were left of the many she’d worn when Julie first met her. Her hair was cut so that it fell softly around her face. She’d always been thin, but now she appeared almost gaunt. When she looked up, Julie saw that she was also tired. Her gaze landed on Julie and a flush crept over her neck and face, coloring the pale skin. Her lips trembled when she smiled, which tore at Julie’s heart.

  “Hi, Sammy,” Julie said with an answering smile. “Come on in.”

  Sam followed her to the same office she’d used when Sam was a regular client and sat in the same chair she had used then. She asked, “When did you come back?”

  “A few weeks ago. No one told me you came in looking for me.”

  Sam began to cry. She leaned over and sobbed into her hands.

  “Hey,” Julie touched Sam’s arm, and the girl jerked away. She pushed the tissues on the desk closer.

  Sam grabbed one and wiped her face. She raised bloodshot eyes and met Julie’s gaze. “It’s been bad,” she muttered.

  “Maybe I can help.”

  “You’re the only one I can talk to, because you can’t tell anyone else.” She held Julie’s gaze. “You won’t, will you?”

  “What you say here is confidential, unless you are in danger,” Julie said.

  “If you tell, I’ll be in danger.” Sam began at the beginning and told a long rambling story about DeWitt’s abusive behavior. Julie had heard much of it from Edie. However, Edie had said nothing about a party. Sam’s voice dropped to a near whisper, and Julie leaned closer in order to hear.

  “I went outside when Jamie left, and DeWitt grabbed me off the porch and threw me facedown in this filthy car. I could hardly breathe with him lying on top of me and covering my mouth. He grabbed me between the legs and then he put his hand in the back of my jeans and said if I identified him, he’d find me and finish what he started.”

  No wonder the girl looked exhausted. She was probably afraid to sleep. “You didn’t tell the woman police officer about this?”

  Sam shook her head. “I didn’t tell anyone till now.” Her blue eyes shimmered. “Jamie has a bodyguard. I have Karen.”

  “Karen is your girlfriend, the one who walks everywhere with you? She sounds like a wonderful friend.”

  “She’s my lover.” Sam lifted her chin.

  Julie nodded, smiling. “Good. Look, if you still want to transfer to UW-O, maybe I can help with that.”

  “How did you know I wanted to transfer?”

  “From the person who told me you wanted to see me.”

  “Jamie’s Aunt Edie.” She said it as a fact, not a question.

  Julie smiled.

  “He’d find me there if he wanted to.”

  “How did you get here?” Julie asked when the hour was up.

  “I walked.”

  “Alone?”

  Sam nodded. �
��Yes.”

  “I’ll take you to wherever you want to go.”

  Julie said goodbye to the phone workers, and she and Sam left by the back door. The lights in the parking lot created isolated pools in the darkness. Sam looked around before stepping outside. Snow had been piled in the center of the blacktop. Parked close to the building next to Julie’s car were the phone workers’ vehicles. The doors of Julie’s car clicked open as they approached it. Sam was walking backward, her hands stuffed in her pockets.

  “What is it, Sam?”

  “There’s an old car parked on the street.” She nodded.

  Julie glanced in that direction. She thought it odd that a car was parked after hours among the office buildings that dominated the block. Seeing Sam so apprehensive raised the hairs on the back of her neck.

  “Maybe someone is working late.” However, all these buildings had parking lots of their own. “Come on. Jump in.”

  Sam pulled the door shut behind her and locked it. Julie did the same. When she left the parking lot, she could see no one in the parked car, but it was several parking spaces away. She turned the corner. Sam was looking out the rear window.

  “Is there anything I can do, Sam?”

  “Can I come back next Saturday?”

  “I think I have something else scheduled that day. Check with the clinic. I will be back the following weekend.” There were headlights in the rearview mirror about a block back.

  “That car turned the corner. It’s following us,” Sam said.

  “How do you know it’s the same car?”

  “He’s checking up on me. He probably thinks I told you about what happened at the party.” Sam was craning her neck.

  Julie parked in front of Sam’s apartment. The old house reminded her of the one she and Peg had rented in Milwaukee. “Which floor are you on?”

  “First,” Sam said. “Thanks.”

  It would be much safer to be on a higher floor. “I’ll wait till you’re in the house.” A car had passed them and pulled into a parking space half a block ahead. Julie strained to see if anyone got out. In the minute or two while she watched Sam run to her door and disappear inside, someone could have left the car and gone into one of the buildings.

  She drove slowly, peering into the parked cars. She saw no one in any of them. When she turned the corner, she picked up speed as she negotiated through traffic to Joe’s apartment. He came out the door, holding Peggy’s hand. She glanced at her watch. It was five o’clock. She was on time.

  The danger that this man, DeWitt, represented to Sam hung like a pall over her as she and Joe exchanged a few words and she settled Peggy into the car seat in the back. Even Peggy’s chatter on the way home could not dispel it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  After locking the apartment door behind her, Sam went straight to the kitchen. She was foraging through the fridge when her cell rang. Without looking at the display, she answered.

  “Did you tell that bitch?”

  “What?” she stammered, her heart thumping in her ears so loud she could hardly hear.

  “Did you?” The voice was low, threatening.

  “I don’t know what you look like.” She stumbled over the words, wondering if he was sitting in a car outside the door. Her legs had turned to mush. She said, “I can’t identify you.”

  “I’m watching you and your queer friend.”

  She said nothing. The fridge door hung open, its compressor humming. Fear had hijacked her words and thoughts.

  He hung up. She climbed into bed with her clothes on and shivered under the covers.

  Karen and Nita found her there. “Hey, you okay?” Karen was shaking her shoulder. She had fallen asleep.

  “You saw your shrink, didn’t you?” Nita asked, like she should be better now.

  She sat up and ran fingers through her hair. “She brought me home. He followed us.”

  “How do you know?” Nita asked, looking scared.

  “Because he called me. I can’t go anywhere without him knowing.”

  Karen sat down on the bed and kissed her. “Hey, baby, they’ll put him away.”

  “I can’t ID him. I don’t know if Jamie can either,” she said.

  “Would you if you could?” Nita asked, her dark eyes flat.

  She looked away. No, she thought, no she wouldn’t. If he got released, he’d come after her.

  “I thought so,” Nita said and left the room.

  “Thanks for taking my shift,” she said to Karen.

  “Hey, no problem.” Karen got up and began undressing. “Come on, get your clothes off. What are you doing in bed with them on?”

  “I’ve got homework. Don’t you?”

  “Yeah, but I think we need to get close and personal.”

  Sam, who had been willing to do whatever Karen wanted before DeWitt put his hand down her pants, said, “Close but not too personal.”

  Karen paused, one leg halfway out of her pants, and looked at Sam. “You didn’t used to push me away.”

  She shrugged. Anyone’s hand on her ass made her want to run, even Karen’s. “It’s not you.”

  “Yeah, you keep saying that, but what difference does it make? If it’s not me, what is it?”

  Sam got out of bed and put on a big T-shirt and sweatpants. “Why do you like me?”

  “You’re damn cute.” Karen stood in the puddle of her pants and stroked Sam’s arms. “You’re one hot chick.”

  A smile crept over her face. “You’re the hot one. Let me brush my teeth.”

  “I’ll come with you. That’s one of the great things about being a lesbian, you know. You can go to the john with your girl even in public places.”

  Sam laughed. “Yeah, that’s a real perk.”

  Nita had disappeared, probably into her bedroom.

  They tiptoed with exaggerated steps to the tiny bathroom, where they peed and brushed their teeth. On stealthy feet, they hurried back to the bedroom. Cold drafts swept through the room, and they huddled under the covers. Karen put her arms around Sam and pulled her close.

  “I love the smell of toothpaste,” she said, kissing Sam.

  Sam tried to put DeWitt out of her mind. She desperately wanted to forget the smell of his breath and the touch of his hands. After all, nothing had really happened. She kissed Karen back. Karen was a noisy lover, worrying Sam when she moaned loudly, startling her when she climaxed with a shout.

  “You have to be quiet,” she whispered when she slid her hand between Karen’s legs and Karen moaned.

  “But that feels so sweet.”

  She didn’t want Nita bursting through the door. However, Karen’s gentle touch felt so good that she heard herself making little sounds like whimpers.

  When it was over, she lay back to catch her breath. Karen’s arms were wrapped loosely around her as she nibbled at her neck. Maybe this was the way to forget about DeWitt. She certainly forgot everything else when they were doing it.

  She imagined him barging through the door while they were in the bed. He’d broken in before. What would happen then? She thought of all the ways that scenario could work out. Some of them excited her and made her ashamed.

  Sunday morning she awoke hungry and remembered she hadn’t eaten since noon the day before. She wolfed down two big bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios, while Karen ate toast with jam, their laptops open on the small table.

  Nita came yawning and stretching into the room. Karen looked at her, clad in flannel pants and a T-shirt, and asked, “Where’s Carmen?”

  After pouring herself a cup of coffee, Nita leaned against the counter. “We’re not together anymore.”

  “When did that happen?” Karen asked.

  “Last night.”

  “Hey, I’m sorry.”

  Sam was staring at Nita. Even wrinkled and rumpled with sleep, she was gorgeous. Her thick black hair hung loosely around her shoulders. Her dark eyes looked soft and sort of unfocused. “Me too.”

  “Want to talk about it?” Karen sa
id.

  “She’s fucking scared when she’s here.” She shot an angry look at Sam.

  “You know, it’s bad for you to be mad all the time,” Karen said.

  “Sam’s friend Jamie is the reason Carmen is afraid to hang around with me.”

  “He was your friend too,” Sam said.

  “Yeah, well not anymore. You’re sitting in my fuckng chair, Karen.” There were only two chairs at the table.

  Karen went to Sam’s bedroom and rolled her computer chair into the kitchen. “Which fucking chair do you want, Nita?” With a hand on one hip, Karen looked Nita up and down. “You are so pretty till you open your mouth.”

  Sam ducked her head and continued eating.

  Nita sat down in the rickety chair across from Sam. “You wouldn’t be laughing, Sam, if you lost your girlfriend.” Her lower lip was quivering.

  “Sorry, Nita.” She reached across the table and covered Nita’s hand, but she couldn’t resist adding, “Karen’s not afraid of anything.”

  Nita went to her room. Karen shut her laptop after a while and said she needed to go to the dorm to get clothes.

  “Want me to come with?” Sam asked, looking up from her computer.

  “Nah. You stay and study.” She jerked her head toward Nita’s room. “Maybe you better check up on her.”

  She knocked on Nita’s door after Karen left. No answer. She knocked harder and turned the knob. The lights were off. She walked toward the curled up figure on the bed. Nita was asleep. In her hand was a bottle of pills. Sam gently loosened the container and read the label. Vicodin.

  She shook Nita’s shoulder, startling her awake. She sat up on the bed and glared at Sam.

  “I thought maybe you had taken too many,” Sam blurted.

  “They’re to help me sleep.”

  “Did Carmen get these for you?” The labeling had been in Spanish and English.

  “Yes, if it’s any of your goddamn business.” She ran her fingers through her luxurious black hair, rearranging it.

  “You scared me,” Sam said, looking into her dark eyes.

  “I didn’t think you cared.” Nita flopped back on the bed and yawned. “What’s it like with Karen?”