by Jill Barry
She looked up, eyes glittering with unshed tears. “We hadn’t slept together when we had to speak in front of all those people. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to keep my emotions in check now? Do you not realise how much our private time in Montreal meant to me? This isn’t all about you, Keir.”
“Do you think I don’t understand because I’m a man? As it happens, yes, I do know, Andrea, because I’m struggling to do the very same thing, especially at this moment. For goodness’ sake, if you’d just let me put my arms around you, wouldn’t we both know the Montreal thing wasn’t just born of the moment? Without a doubt, we both know it very obviously was not.” He picked up his glass and took a huge swallow. The liquid went down the wrong way in his urgency, making him splutter and cough as he fumbled for a handkerchief.
Andrea got up and stood behind the settee to provide a couple of thumps on the back.
When he’d recovered himself he stood up too. “What an idiot. I’m sorry about that. Thank you.”
Her face crumpled and he rushed round the couch to stand at her side, taking her hands in his. “What is it, Andrea? Whatever it is, let me make it better. Please …”
Once his arms were around her, he didn’t care if he was trespassing on her privacy. All he cared about was trying to take the hurt away. It wasn’t going to happen like lightning but he so wanted to bring joy into her life.
Their mouths met in a tender kiss. He didn’t try to take it any further but held her, breathing in her fragrance and closing his eyes, hands gently stroking her back and shoulders, lightly massaging her neck under the silky curtain of hair she wore loose that evening. I’ve come home, he thought.
To his dismay, she broke away from him and sat down. “You’re a very kind man, Keir,” she said. “That’s what makes this so dreadfully hard.”
He shook his head impatiently. “I know it’s difficult for you. That’s why I want to help you. Can you not understand that?”
“Yes, I can but we’re going round in circles.” She sounded more assertive and this time her gaze didn’t waver. ‘I’m not trying to deny I’m attracted to you. I think we both knew that when I tried to dash past you that first day at the lift. If I pull away from you, it’s because it’s for the best, Keir, not because I want to.”
He marched over to the window and stood with his back to it, arms folded across his chest. “I’m sorry but that’s absolute rubbish,” he snapped. “Pushing me away when you admit you’re not exactly desperate to escape from me.” His stern expression relaxed. “It would be funny if only I didn’t care so much.”
“I know and it’s because I care about you so much that I don’t intend to burden you with me, my family and my personal baggage.”
“So that’s it? Your decision stands. Do I have any say in this whatsoever?”
But she wasn’t concentrating on Keir. She rose and walked over to the half-open door, cocking an ear. Then she turned back. “It’s OK. Josh must’ve cried out in his sleep. That still happens sometimes.”
Keir nodded. “Poor little man, I’d love to meet him some time.”
“That’s a big part of my concerns.” She walked closer to him but stood slightly out of reach. “If I let you into my life, which is what the selfish part of me longs to do, if something goes wrong between you and me, what’s going to happen to Josh and to a lesser extent, my mother?”
“Hell’s bells, Andrea. I may not have been the perfect husband but I was motivated by the right reasons, or so I believe. I’m older, hopefully wiser and more patient nowadays. I wouldn’t turn up with a sack full of toys for Josh. I wouldn’t expect you to let me stay over at night. I’d use my common sense and hope your little boy would come to love and trust me in time.” He spread his arms as if demonstrating their ability to encircle her and her family.
He still didn’t try to approach her. “I want to make a commitment,” he said. “If only you’ll let me. And what’s all this about you being selfish? That’s just downright crazy.”
Moira Haynes’ hurtful words rang in his ears. She couldn’t have been more wrong about Andrea casting around for a replacement dad but he wasn’t going to correct her. It was none of her business.
“I shall say it again. No way would I try to take the place of Josh’s father.” His voice was gentle. “As for your mother, Rosemary seems to be enjoying a quality of life many people her age would love to achieve. That’s without the possibility of improvement once the drug and vitamin combo really kicks in. You have to take the credit for that – you and Lizzie Dean if you like. Gold stars all round, Andrea. You’re selfish? I don’t think so.”
He spread his hands, his expression apologetic. “Sorry to keep lecturing you but I think there’s another reason for this decision of yours. I don’t think it’s your emotions causing this barrier. You say it’s too early for you to be with someone else but the way you responded to me at the hotel told me the truth. Forgive me for saying this but you told me Greg hadn’t been home on leave for months when he lost his life. You felt cheated, resentful because he was so close to the end of his tour. That’s understandable but my guess is you’d been kind of mourning him, albeit subconsciously, before you received the terrible news.”
He feared he’d overdone things but she looked at him now with a kind of recognition unseen before.
“It was always part of the package,” she said. “Military wives live with a kind of half-expectancy of the worst scenario.” Her voice faltered. Then she whispered. “I love him so much. That’s not going to change, Keir.”
Keir felt the sting of his own tears. He stepped forward and placed his hands gently upon Andrea’s shoulders. She didn’t try to resist him.
“I know that, sweetheart. That love will always surround you. I don’t have to spell it out but I’m darned sure Greg wouldn’t have wanted you to be on your own for the rest of your life, not a caring, warm, fun-loving woman like you are. I’ll tell you what I think, Andrea. I think you’re afraid to let things go any further because you don’t trust me. It’s my past history isn’t it?”
“That’s such nonsense, Keir.” She still didn’t try to distance herself from him. In fact his feeling was that she’d moved just a tad closer. He breathed in the drift of light floral perfume but knew she must be the one to make the next move.
“Then prove it, darling,” he said. “Let me love you. Let me into your life. It’s where I want to be and you know it. I promise I shan’t let you down. Don’t fight me, please.”
For moments she stood there, like someone poised on the edge of a diving board, finding the courage to jump into a very deep pool. A pool of risk and self-trust; a potential future. “You’re very persuasive, Dr Harrison.”
He caught his breath, noticing the glint of humour in her eyes. “You’re very beautiful, Dr Palmer,” he said, “and very, very precious to me.” Still he waited. Still he didn’t attempt to kiss her.
He could hardly believe it when she moved closer and wrapped her arms around him. Their lips met and her fingers stroked his ears, his cheeks and the nape of his neck before curling themselves in his hair. Their very special kiss deepened into a giddy kind of sweetness so they were both breathless when at last they broke apart. At once he hugged her to him again and rocked her gently in his arms, murmuring incoherent loving words as they stood on the brink of what he hoped would be a voyage of discovery with an ending they both wanted.
“I think I’d better make us that sandwich,” she whispered, her voice raw with emotion.
“I think you better had, too.” He nuzzled her ear, not wanting to let her go but knowing he mustn’t rush her.
“Bring your drink through,” she said. “Keep me company while I fix us a snack. We need to sort out a few things.”
He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. If he’d been unable to change Andrea’s mind about their relationship, he would have gone straight home and emailed his CV to Rhonda Pierce in Montreal. Andrea didn’t need to know that. Not now.
“Ham or cheese,” she said with a straight face.
Keir sucked in his breath. “Difficult decision! How about we go halves?”
Her laugh was half sob. “All right and how about I put some salad in? You consultants never eat enough green stuff.”
“That’s most unfair. I’m very fond of that pizza topping with the spinach in it.” He found it unbelievably pleasurable watching her smooth spread on bread and lift sliced ham from a dish.
“We really do have to take things slowly,” she said. “This isn’t going to be a conventional kind of romance.”
He did his best to look hurt. “Who said so? Don’t you like being bought flowers and chocolates?”
“What I’m trying to say is, if I wasn’t a mum, I could lure you to my boudoir tonight.”
“I wouldn’t let you.” He folded his arms, the prim expression on his face concealing a surge of joy. “I do have my reputation to think of, you know.”
She giggled. What a happy, carefree Andrea, thought Keir.
“I love that sound. I love you.” He looked solemn.
“I know… And I … I … oh, darn it!’
“Don’t tell me you’re already regretting your decision?” He pulled a lonely puppy-dog face and she laughed again.
“Definitely not, it’s only that I keep on wanting to burst into tears.” She looked round for the box of tissues, waving a knife in her hand.
He got up and fetched the box from the worktop.
“Thank you,” she said, putting down the knife and pulling out at least six paper handkerchiefs.
He wanted to hug her to him again but decided not to crowd her. Retreating to his seat, he took a swallow of his beer. “The tears are no bad thing,” he said softly. “Letting them all out, washing away the grief, but holding on to the happiness you shared with Greg. He and Josh are part of you. I feel privileged to be here with you now. I’ll never try to stop you remembering.”
She stood still, looking at him. “Thank you for saying that, Keir.”
“I expect there’ll be times when I say the wrong thing.”
She cut slices from a chunk of Cheddar. “We all do that now and then.”
Suddenly he thought of Moira Haynes again. So much had taken place that evening. The nurse had tried to persuade him into beginning an affair with her and she hadn’t been pleased with the outcome. He’d known that surrendering, even briefly, to Moira’s seductive tactics would be a mistake, even though she’d stressed the ‘no strings’ tag. It was a near certainty that his colleagues wouldn’t have blamed him for losing his head and pleasing the lady anyway, he assumed.
In his turn, he’d pleaded with Andrea and cajoled her into seeing things his way. He prayed they were both doing the right thing. Instinct told him they were.
“Shall we eat in here?”
Already she was treating him like family and it felt good. “No better place,” he said. “I’ll fetch your glass and top it up.”
As he headed across the hall, Keir noticed a movement at the top of the stairs.
“Daddy?” The little figure dressed in colourful jim-jams sounded half-awake … puzzled.
“I’m not your daddy, Josh,” Keir said tenderly. “Just wait there, little mate, and I’ll fetch your mummy.”
Andrea had her head in the fridge while she put things away.
“Josh is awake, darling.”
She swung round. “Is he crying?”
“No. He’s waiting on the landing for you.”
“OK.” She headed for the staircase. “I’m here, baby,” she called. “Did you have a bad dream?”
“No.” Keir heard the little boy mumble. “My eyes kept opening. Who was that nice man, Mum? Can he play football?”
It was hard to know what to do for the best. No way did he intend following Andrea upstairs, even though Josh’s last remark brought a smile to his lips. And suddenly he felt ravenous. Maybe he’d drink another beer. After all, he was planning to take a taxi home, unless he walked. It was a lovely evening and the exercise would do him good.
He looked longingly at the plate of sandwiches then went to the fridge and took another bottle from the pack he’d brought. He looked around for something to open it with. Andrea had produced an opener earlier. Yes, there it was on the worktop. He prised off the metal top and poured the lager into his glass. If he felt a little light-headed it was more to do with what took place this evening than to alcohol, of that he had no doubt.
He couldn’t detect any sound from upstairs, nor could he hear any traffic noise. Suddenly he heard his mobile phone bleep out its signal. He’d left his jacket draped over the back of a chair in the sitting room. On his way to retrieve it, he glanced upstairs. There was no sign of Andrea and he guessed she was settling Josh back to sleep again. It was Murphy’s Law - you mention something predictable, like her son’s good sleeping record and you’ll surely be proved wrong. It didn’t matter. That’s what parenthood was all about. Even he knew that.
He called up the text message.
Sure you won’t change your mind?
Keir frowned. He’d no idea who’d sent this and at first his thoughts flew to Rhonda Pierce about the job. He’d given her his phone number at her request, but he hadn’t been in touch since. She probably still expected him to send his CV – résumé as she’d called it. Now that Andrea had reversed her decision about her relationship with him, the last thing he intended doing was apply for a job in another country. No way would Andrea want to move so far away from her mother. Anyway, it was bad enough having his daughter living so far away without compounding the problem.
He hadn’t the foggiest idea who might have called him. But the number wasn’t an international one and he decided someone must have punched in the wrong digits. He deleted the message and wandered back to the kitchen. Andrea appeared almost at once.
“I’m so sorry about that,” she said. “You should have started eating. I wouldn’t have minded.” She offered him a sandwich.
“It’s fine. I poured another beer. How’s the little chap?” He tried not to tear greedily into his snack.
“He’s asleep again. He wanted to know who you were so I told him you were a doctor too and that we’d become friends, and that I’d find out if you could play football.” The words came out in a rush.
Keir was already in mid-bite. “Brilliant.” He hesitated. “When Josh saw me first, he called out, thinking I was his dad. I hope I didn’t upset him.”
“Not at all,” she said. “I expect he was taken aback at seeing a man in the house. He was wide awake and a bit annoyed with me for not having your soccer credentials at my fingertips.”
Keir got up, went round the table and folded her into his arms. “There’s so much we have to learn about one another. I may yet astound you with my goal kicks.”
She snuggled against him. “When shall I see you again? Apart from at the hospital, I mean.”
He didn’t even want to think of leaving her that night. “I’m not going anywhere. What I mean is I’ll be around, so why don’t you let me know and I’ll fit in with you? I admit it sounds desperately sad but my social life’s virtually non-existent.” He reached for another sandwich. “These are seriously good.”
She laughed. “That’s only because you’re hungry.”
“I’m not half as hungry as I’m relieved,” he said, starting as his phone beeped again.
“You’d better check it,” she said. “In case it’s something urgent.”
“It’s only a text – I’d expect to be rung if it was an emergency.” He frowned, his voice trailing off. “This message can’t be meant for me. Someone must have got my number by mistake – transposed the digits or whatever. I’ll just delete it. The same thing happened earlier while you were upstairs.”
She took a sip of wine and reached for another sandwich. “This’ll do me, if you want to eat the rest.”
He grinned. “My appetite’s returned with a vengeance. Sorry.”
He smiled at her and reached for her hand.
“You must come and have supper with us soon,” she said. “Maybe not until after I’ve talked more about you to Josh.”
“I’d like that very much, but only when you feel the time’s right, Andrea. I meant every word of what I said.”
“I know,” she said. “Softly, softly…”
His longing for her constricted his throat and robbed him of speech. The wonderful part was anticipating the joy he knew awaited them, just around the corner of their lives.
She watched him clear the plate and he saw a little smile curl the corners of her sweet mouth.
“Keir,” she whispered. “I need you to come upstairs with me. Now, please.”
For a moment he assumed she meant him to tiptoe into Josh’s room and watch the little boy sleeping. Then he realised what she really meant.
***
It wasn’t until later, when Keir searched through his list of contacts so he could ring the taxi firm he always used, that he discovered something odd. Immediately before Hazelwood Cabs a woman’s name had been inserted. Keir stared at the letters in amazement. Haynes, Moira now sat among his stored contacts.
He called the taxi company then put his phone away again, shaking his head.
“Keir, is there a problem?” Andrea was sipping mint tea. He’d politely declined.
“No, it’s fine. I was only thinking it’s great to have your number tucked into my phone and not simply for business reasons.”
“And there was me just looking forward to my goodnight kiss. Would you prescribe such a thing for me, Doctor?” She put down her mug and stood up. “Unless, of course, you’ve had enough of me for one night?”
He rose too, folding her into his arms and kissing her very thoroughly. When he finished, he repeated the prescription.
“Mmm” said Andrea.
