“You guys are so lame,” Molly said.
“Why?” Allison asked. “What do you have going on?”
“I’m going to hang out at Quinn’s Thursday night and watch movies with some of our gaming friends. You’re welcome to come.”
Allison snorted in disgust. “No thanks. The last time I hung out with those guys I spent the whole time listening to sexist comments and fending off sleazy advances.”
A sheepish look crept over Molly’s face. “Those would be Quinn’s jock friends.”
“Yeah. That’s them.”
“There’s also going to be a party at Ashton’s on Saturday night.”
Allison perked up. “That sounds more like it!”
Both of them looked at me expectantly, while I seethed in irritation. They had set me up again.
“Since when did you become a social butterfly?”
“When it was either that or let Quinn out by himself among all the boyfriend-stealing jock groupies.”
Allison let out a hoot of laughter. “Meow!”
“I think I liked you better when you were antisocial,” I grumbled.
“Wow!” Allison said. “Harsh.”
“Sorry. That wasn’t called for.”
Molly shrugged it off. “You can’t avoid him forever, you know.”
“I can try.”
“You’ve known each other forever, and you’re best friends. You’ve got to patch things up sometime. Unless you’re just going to ditch him for good.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Then let’s go to the party,” Allison said. “You’ve got to start somewhere.”
“I’ll think about it.”
It left me with a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I wasn’t ready for this. Of course I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be ready for it. The smart thing to do would be to stay away and keep the ball in the air with Dylan until I got over all of this. I just didn’t seem to be smart where Ashton was concerned.
I’d had all the well-meaning concern—and interference—I could handle from my friends. Needing some time to myself, I bailed on Molly and Allison with promises that I would consider going to the party and then went home. I helped Mom with the preparations for Thanksgiving, using the time to clear my head. Once I’d done all I could, I hid out in my room and flipped through my sketchbook. I needed to do something different. My last school project had been darker, surreal. The piece I’d done of Dylan on the beach had been cold and stark. But the holidays were coming and this was supposed to be a Christmas project. It was time to create something warmer, happier. Something to cheer myself up with as much as to get a grade.
I brainstormed, drawing bits of the first things that popped into my head and then setting them aside to move onto the next idea. There was no lack of those, but none of them just jumped out at me. That wasn’t a real problem at the moment, because I still had plenty of time to figure it out. Maybe once Dylan came back it would hit me. I’d started to rely on him as my muse, which was another thing I probably wasn’t being smart about.
I spent the rest of the afternoon and Thanksgiving Day with my family trying not to think of anything involving either art or boys. Dylan was busy with his own family, so I only had to deal with a handful of texts. I just wasn’t up to more than that, although I felt guilty for not wanting to talk to him.
When Molly started texting me early Friday afternoon, I muted my phone and did my best to lose myself in my art project. I couldn’t concentrate, though, unable to keep my focus on the paper. She was persistent, though, and after half a dozen messages I gave up and read through them. All of them were asking what I was doing, growing more strident and insistent with each new text. Lovely. She wasn’t going to stop.
Me: I’m here
Molly: Where have you BEEN???
Me: Working on my art project
Molly: Oh. Sorry. Are you coming over to Quinn’s tonight?
Me: Not a chance
Molly: How about Ashton’s party tomorrow?
Me: I don’t think so
Molly: Why not?
Me: I think I need some more time
Molly: Please pretty please come?
Me: I don’t think it’s a good idea
Molly: You’re no fun
Me: Not right now
Molly: Stop wallowing and come. I’m just going to keep pestering until you do
Me: I’ll THINK about it
Molly: Okay. Have fun with the pity party
Me: You are such a brat
Molly: I love you, too, bestie <3
Growled to myself as I threw my phone onto the bed. Maybe I’d luck out and come down with the flu or something.
An hour later my phone dinged again, and I rolled my eyes in exasperation. This was getting ridiculous. But it wasn’t Molly this time, or even Dylan. As I stared at Ashton’s name on the screen my heart beat faster. It had been two weeks since he’d last texted me.
Ashton: You coming to my party tomorrow night?
I bit my lip, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard as I considered.
Me: I don’t think so
Ashton: Are we really going to keep avoiding each other like this?
Me: I don’t know what to do
Ashton: Just come, D. I’ve missed you
Me: I’ve missed you too
Me: But this is really hard
Ashton: I know. Come anyway. It’s not going to get any easier
Me: Let me think about it
Ashton: Okay
A million reasons not to go raced through my head.
Me: I’ll probably come
Ashton: Good. I’ll see you there
I stared at my phone until the screen blanked, my emotions a hopelessly twisted tangle. There was guilt for even thinking of going there without Dylan, and pain because being around Ashton was like picking at a half-healed scab. Buried deep was a glimmer of happiness at the chance to see the boy I’d missed so badly, which made the guilt even worse. But I knew that I was going to go anyway.
I rode in with Molly and Quinn because Allison was busy with her family and couldn’t come until later. The night was clear and cold with the stars blazing like ice crystals overhead, and even with my coat I shivered in the wind. We hurried up the stairs and past the people milling on the deck to take refuge inside the cheery warmth of his living room where a fire was blazing. As we came in, Ashton smiled at us from the other side of the breakfast bar.
“Glad you could make it.”
His words encompassed all of us, but his eyes were riveted on me. I couldn’t help the butterflies I felt when that oh-so-familiar smile lit up his face. This was bad—really bad. I wasn’t supposed to have butterflies with Ashton. We were just friends now.
“Help yourselves to whatever,” Ashton said. “There are drinks in the fridge and a fresh batch of punch that I’m pretty sure is still booze free. We’ve got deathmatches going in the game room, and videos and dancing in the den.”
As Molly caught the way I was looking at Ashton, her eyes widened. I blushed and turned away, making a show of taking off my coat. It was Quinn who saved me from further embarrassment.
“Let’s go watch the games,” he said. “Then we can show those losers who’s boss, babe.”
“Yeah! You coming, Dani?”
“Sure.”
There was safety in numbers, and if Ashton was downstairs I’d be better off upstairs. I sat in the darkness watching while the others tried to gun each other down in whatever game they were playing. It wasn’t long before Molly and Quinn threw down and forgot all about me. Why had I agreed to come? My phone dinged, and I groaned mentally when I saw who it was.
Dylan: Hey. What are you up to?
Guilt twisted my insides. If I told him I was at Ashton’s party, what was he going to think? On the other hand, I couldn’t lie to him. He deserved better than that.
Me: Over at Ashton’s watching Molly and Quinn deliver XBox beatdowns
Me: Molly nagged me into it
It was only a little lie, right?
Dylan: I’ll let you get back to the party then
Me: It’s just a party, Dylan
Dylan: I know. I’ll talk to you later
I put away my phone feeling like a total jerk. Dylan hadn’t said anything outright, but I knew him well enough to read between the lines. He wasn’t happy about me being at Ashton’s, and I couldn’t really blame him. In his shoes I wouldn’t have been happy, either.
Watching the gaming could only hold my attention for so long, so I wandered downstairs to listen to the music for a while. Why had I come? I felt out of place. All these people were laughing and having a good time, while I was miserable and didn’t belong.
“Holiday blues?” Ashton’s voice came from behind my shoulder.
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Yeah. I hear ya.”
“I think I could use some air.”
“I’ll find your coat,” Ashton said.
“You don’t have to do that.”
Ashton rolled his eyes. “Just let me get your coat, Dani. Everything doesn’t have to be some huge deal.”
He found our coats, and then we went out onto the deck together where we stared out over the dark water. Ashton didn’t say anything and didn’t try to get too close. But he didn’t need to. It was like that night at the movies—I was hyper-aware of his every little movement, every breath. I never felt that way with Dylan, and I was pretty sure by now that I never would. That didn’t help lighten my mood any. Neither did looking over at the stairs where Ashton and I had shared our first kiss.
I had so many memories with him, both good and bad. It was just history, though, so why couldn’t I seem to be able to leave it in the past where it belonged?
“Your teeth are chattering,” Ashton said.
“Huh?”
“Dani, you’re freezing. Go back inside.”
“I should probably just go.”
“Want me to drive you home?”
“No, I’ll just get an Uber.”
“If you’re sure.”
“Yeah. Sorry, I’m just not in a party mood tonight.”
“I’ll let Molly and Quinn know. See you at school Monday.”
I stood outside while I waited for my ride, looking through the windows at all the happy people. It felt like I’d never belong there again, and I went downstairs in eager relief when the car arrived.
What was I going to tell Dylan? I was going to have to tell him something, that was for sure. I couldn’t pretend that things were going to change between us anymore. I liked him, but I didn’t feel anything for him even though I wanted to. I was going to have to end it, which meant dumping the poor guy right before Christmas and made me the most horrible person in the world. I just needed to be alone, maybe forever. Because I couldn’t get Ashton out of my heart, and as long as he was there, there wouldn’t be room for anyone else.
Chapter Ten
We went back to school with less than a month before Christmas vacation. That had everyone in a good mood except me, apparently. I’d spent all day Sunday avoiding my friends and Dylan so I could think about what I was going to do. I knew what I needed to do, but the more I considered it the less certain I was that I wanted to go through with it. Not now, not right before Christmas. I just wasn’t sure whether it was for Dylan’s benefit or my own.
There was a part of me that didn’t want to break up, didn’t want to be responsible for hurting Dylan during the holidays, and that didn’t want to be alone, either. It was selfish, but it was already hard enough being without Ashton. I wasn’t ready to lose Dylan as well. While I wasn’t head over heels for him I did like him a lot, and I felt more than a little guilty about letting things continue when I knew he was more into me than I was into him. If—when—I broke up with him, it was going to hurt him, so putting off the inevitable made me a coward. I could live with that.
I met up with the girls in the school quad at our usual spot, where they were undoubtedly chatting about what they’d done over Thanksgiving break. Three heads swiveled in my direction as I came up the sidewalk, and I almost turned around and fled.
“There she is,” Molly said. “What happened to you Saturday night?”
I sat down at the table, not meeting any of their eyes. “I wasn’t feeling well and went home. Caught an Uber so I didn’t have to bug you for a ride.”
“Yeah, that’s what Ashton told us.”
Delaney and Allison perked up at that little tidbit. I tried to shrug it off.
“It was nothing. I just told him to pass that along.”
None of them said anything, but their expressions spoke volumes. Clearly they didn’t believe me for a second, and since I wasn’t being exactly truthful I couldn’t blame them.
Clearing her throat, Delaney changed the subject. “Are you all going to the Winter Dance?”
‘‘Quinn and I are,” Molly replied.
Allison made a face. “I will if I can come up with a date.”
“You always do,” Delaney said.
“Yeah. They just don’t stick around after.”
Molly patted her hand with a sympathetic smile. “It isn’t your fault that boys are stupid.”
“So it isn’t me, it’s all of them?”
“That’s it exactly,” Delaney replied.
Allison laughed. “If you say so.”
Molly turned her eyes on me. “What about you, Dani?”
I hesitated. “I’m not sure. Dylan hasn’t said anything yet.”
“Does he really have to?” Delaney asked.
“I guess not.”
Molly’s gaze grew speculative. “Or is there something else going on?”
Just when things were bad enough, they got worse.
“Hey, Dani,” Dylan’s voice came from behind me.
I popped out of my seat, not wanting to talk to him in front of my friends who were staring at us with naked curiosity gleaming in their eyes.
“Walk me to class?” I asked.
The bell hadn’t rung yet, and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Okay.”
As we walked through the heavy metal doors, he took my arm. “What was that about?”
“I needed you to rescue me from my friends.”
“Glad I could help.”
“How was your trip back from Dallas?”
“Good. As you’d know if you’d been answering your texts last night.”
“I was working on a pile of homework.”
Dylan shook his head. “Yeah, whatever.”
“Dylan...”
“What’s going on, Dani?”
“What are you talking about?”
His pale blue eyes bored into mine. “I go out of town for a couple of days and you run off to a party at Ashton’s house without saying a word about it?”
“It was just a party. I went with Molly and Quinn.”
“It was at Ashton’s house.”
“So what? Just because it was at his house doesn’t mean anything.”
“But you were hanging out with him.”
“I didn’t...”
“Did you think I wouldn’t hear about it? Did you think that there wouldn’t be people there blowing up my phone the minute you walked outside with him?”
“We were just talking,” I insisted.
“Nothing between you and Ashton is just anything.”
“We’re friends. That’s all.”
“You’re a lot more than that and we both know it.”
“Okay, sure. We have history. But that’s over.”
Dylan sighed and his shoulders slumped. “Look, Dani. I trust you. I really do. I’m sorry about the texts I sent. I was just upset because you went there and talked to him while I was out of town and didn’t give me a heads up so I had to hear about it from other people.”
“I shouldn’t have gone. I knew better, but Molly begged me to go
with her.”
“Was that really all there was to it?”
I looked away. “No.”
“Dani, what is this?” he asked, his finger pointing first to me then to himself. “Why am I here? Is this what you want?”
I took a deep breath. “I honestly don’t know right now.”
“I know you still have feelings for him, and I understand. But I’m not going to be some kind of consolation prize. If he’s what you really want...”
“I can’t have him. Even if I wanted him, I can’t have him.”
“But that doesn’t mean you want me.”
“It isn’t that simple.”
His lips curved in a tiny, sad smile. “Isn’t it? Look, I think you know how I feel about you. But you need to figure out what you feel. I’m not giving you an ultimatum here. I’m not going anywhere. But this floating in the middle thing isn’t working out really well.”
As we stopped outside my classroom he let go of my arm and took a step back. The longing in his eyes made my heart ache for him—and for me as well. Why couldn’t I just be happy with him?
“I’ll see you at lunch,” he said. “Okay?”
“Yeah.” I stepped forward and gave him a brief, fierce hug. “I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be such a pain.”
“I know. See you later, beautiful.”
I felt about two inches tall as I went to my desk, and deservedly so. What I was doing wasn’t fair to him at all. I had to end things. I was just delaying the inevitable, and it wasn’t right.
My mood plummeted as the day went on, depression rolling in like cold waves washing over me. By the time I headed to the cafeteria for lunch I felt as though I was drowning and dragged my feet the whole way. I didn’t want to have to go through with this, but it had to be done and I couldn’t put it off any longer if I wanted to be able to sleep at night.
I waited at the cafeteria doors until Dylan showed up. He took one look at me and blew out a deep breath.
“This doesn’t look good,” he muttered.
“We need to talk.”
“And that’s never good.”
“I’m sorry, Dylan.”
“Somehow I don’t think you’re as sorry as I am.”
“Can we not do this right here?”
“Fine.”
We walked down the hall until we found an empty classroom and ducked inside. Dylan shoved his hands in his pockets and watched me with an air of resignation. I felt like I was about to kick a puppy.
Just Friends Page 8
