by Lisa Loomis
She walked back and hugged me.
“Thanks. Thanks for understanding my craziness.”
She smiled at me.
“I tolerate it, I don’t understand it,” she said.
Chapter 25
When we arrived, the party was already in full swing; chatter, laughter, and people splashing in the pool. Music was coming from the stereo and I could see the band equipment set up at the far end of the pool, but they weren’t playing. The smell of pot was in the air. There were bags of chips and other stuff on the kitchen counter. It was a mixed crowd, guys and girls, most from the high school I figured.
“Beers in the fridge, or coolers out back,” a girl in the kitchen said. “Help yourself.”
I opened the refrigerator and there was nothing but beer in it. Gayle and I each took one and went out back to the pool. The playing and shrieking in the pool was much louder outside. I glanced around for Mathew and didn’t see him. Kim was talking to Kevin. I looked him over. Kevin was cute; maybe I should pay more attention to him. Gayle and I found a couple of chairs and put our stuff down. We stripped down to our swimsuits.
“New suit?” Gayle asked.
“You like?” I asked, striking a little pose in my white bikini with round silver grommets on each hip and one between the cups.
“It’s very sexy. All you need is the white go-go boots and a pole. You would have every guy here falling over themselves,” Gayle laughed.
“Right,” I said, stretching out the word, being sarcastic.
“Hey, Morgan.”
We both turned to see Kevin approaching. He had moved from Kim to us rather quickly.
“You got a beer, I see,” he said.
“Yep,” Gayle answered for both of us.
Kevin pulled up a chair and sat down with us. The band started at the far end of the pool. I could hear Mathew singing, but still couldn’t see him. There were too many people in front of them. The three of us sat and listened to several of the bands original songs, and then one of Queens.
“Another beer?” Kevin asked when he was empty.
“Sure,” I said, watching as he made his way back to the cooler by the sliding door.
“Remember, he thinks you’re cute,” Gayle said when he was gone.
“Whatever. That only came via Mathew,” I said.
It felt good sitting in the sun, listening to the band. I was enjoying the attention from Kevin. Gayle was definitely working at keeping Kevin hanging out with us. Then the band finally took a break.
“I’m hot, I’m getting in,” I said, moving toward the pool.
I sat down on the edge with my legs in the water. The temperature was perfect, just cool enough. There was a game of beach ball going on in the pool, and everyone was tossing it around. The guys were tackling the girls when they got the ball with a lot of groping and squealing going on. The ball came my way, and I hit it with my palm, shooting it back at the players. I hopped into the water and then dunked underneath. As I came up, I was grabbed around the waist and taken under again. I pulled the hands away, surfacing. I took a deep breath pushing my hair out of my face and opened my eyes. It was Mathew.
“Having fun?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said, dunking under again to get my hair pulled back properly.
The ball came back towards us, and I jumped in front of Mathew to catch it, but he caught me around the waist, spinning me around. I missed the ball.
“Nice try, kid,” he said, and we both laughed.
I was surprised he used the word kid, because he tended to slip back to Morgan when she was around. We played in the game a very short time before Kim showed up to draw him away.
“Mathew, come help me get some more of the food out,” she snapped.
I smiled at her, one of my kindest.
“Morgan.”
“Nice to see you again, Kim.”
Mathew grinned at me and got out. I watched them walk away and smiled internally, he could have the bitch. I pulled myself up on the side and returned to where Kevin and Gayle were still talking.
“Gayle, you want another beer?” I asked. "I’m going to get one."
“I’m not finished with this one yet.”
“Kevin?” I asked.
He shook his can slightly.
“I can be ready.”
The band started up again as I walked back with the beer. I caught Mathew watching me, and I raised a beer at him.
“Here you go,” I said, handing Kevin a cold one.
We had to shout to talk; the band was loud. I was definitely getting the vibe that Kevin was interested. He’d touch me now and then when he talked and he seemed really interested in what I had to say. It made me feel good, and the beer was helping us both feel comfortable. The next band break, I excused myself so I could go use the bathroom.
“Be right back,” I said.
I tried the main powder room off the hall, but the door was locked. I went down the hall towards Mathew’s room and the bathroom there. It wasn’t occupied, so I used it and checked my makeup—still okay. I adjusted my suit and opened the door.
“Oh,” I said, startled to find Mathew standing there.
He pushed me back inside and locked the door.
“What are you—” I started.
He didn’t let me finish. Instead, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me hard.
“What are you doing?” I mumbled.
He kissed me harder, pushing his tongue into my mouth, pinning me against the door. He was pressing into me so hard it was tough to breath. I relaxed a bit, and he eased up. The circumstances, not the kiss, were what confused me. I could feel his chest warm against me, and he ground his pelvis into mine. I should be angry. What was he thinking? Where was Kim? All this flashed fleetingly through my head.
Logically this should have stopped me, but it didn’t. My body responded to his like some out of control machine. It was on fire. He kissed me passionately as he slipped his hands under my bikini top, and I pressed my breasts into them. I was breathing hard, my heart racing, with thoughts speeding through my head, but my body unwilling to listen. I could feel his erection and I wanted to feel it in my mouth.
“Stop, Mathew,” I whispered as he silenced me again with his kiss.
We made out with abandon, both our tongues seeking, wanting, needing. When he pulled back, I could tell he was stoned. His eyes weren’t focusing too well and he was giving me a sly grin, like he’d just gotten away with something, which of course he had.
“You are a shit,” I said, flushed and embarrassed by my lack of restraint.
“You,” he said, trying to pick his words.
He shook his head slowly and then looked into my eyes. There was a flash of anger or hurt.
“You be careful with the boys,” he said, letting me go.
“Is that what this is about, Kevin?” I asked.
He didn’t answer me. He swayed a little and then leaned against the counter to steady himself.
“Wow, Mr. Free Love himself is warning me to be careful. Mathew, it’s laughable,” I said, suddenly incensed.
He looked hurt. He searched my face.
“Fuck you,” I said, looking him straight in the eye. “Get outta here. I’m sure Kim’s out looking for you. I don’t think you would want her to catch you with your friend.”
I spat as I moved away from the door. He stared at me. I wanted him to break down and say it’s you I really want, but no words came.
“Go,” I said angrily.
He pushed away from the counter and opened the door slowly. Then he paused and turned back to look at me, a look of confusion on his face, as if he wanted to say or do more. I shook my head, angry. He seemed to slump before turning back, then he checked the hall and left.
I relocked the door, my lips felt bruised, as did my ego. I looked at myself in the mirror, at my rosy face. You, stupid girl, Morgan, here you are again. No! How hard is it to say no!? I hadn’t protested at all. I’d kissed him
back. I’d let him do what he wanted, like all the times before. Why did he want to kiss me like that when Kim was here? I waited a few minutes for my emotions to simmer down. I splashed cool water on my face. When I left the bathroom, I was angry at Mathew, but most of all at myself. I went back out to the pool with three fresh beers, hoping Kevin was still there. I wanted to work at getting loaded.
“Where have you been?” Gayle asked.
“I had to wait for the bathroom,” I said.
Kevin took the beers, handing one to Gayle, holding the other two in one hand. I was so relieved he was still there.
“Come on,” he said, taking my hand.
He led me to the pool, set the beers on the edge, and jumped in. I followed him in as he popped both cans, handing me one. We leaned our backs against the side. I took a long swig. I was trying to make sense of Mathew. God damn his bullshit. Why repeated in my head until I wanted to scream.
I carefully scanned the crowd for Mathew and found him reclining in a lounge chair with Kim sitting between his legs. A position I had known before. I looked at his face; he was staring at me. I realized he had watched me come back to the pool. He gave me a slight smile. I looked away and focused on Kevin. I wanted to slap the smile off his face. I was hurt, and I wanted to hurt him. Morgan, the toy, was that it? He just teased and played with my feelings because I let him? Was he jealous of my attention to Kevin? Kevin was talking, and I wasn’t focusing on what he was saying. He playfully splashed me.
“You listening, Morgan?” he asked.
“I am,” I said, turning my back to Mathew.
“Morgan, I’m going to head out,” Gayle said, bending down at the side of the pool.
“Where?” I asked.
“Home. I’ve had enough sun and beer,” she said. “I can catch a ride with Keri; she’s leaving. You want to go?”
“No, I’ll stay awhile longer. I can catch another ride or walk,” I said.
“Catch a ride. Don’t let her walk alone in the dark, Kevin,” she cautioned.
“I won’t,” he said.
I was feeling comfortable with Kevin. He unknowingly was taking my mind off Mathew. I also wanted to stay, knowing Mathew was watching. I could only hope it tormented him, me hanging with Kevin. Gayle had been gone awhile when Kevin asked if I wanted to go to his house.
“My parents are out, and we could hang for a while. Watch a movie maybe?” he suggested.
“I would like that, but I’ve either got to find a ride or walk while it’s still light. You heard Gayle about the dark,” I answered.
“My brother Mike, can drive you home,” Kevin volunteered.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Do you need to call him to make sure?”
“He won’t mind. I promise,” he said.
“Okay.”
“Got anything there to drink?”
I needed to know I could keep the buzz going so I had the courage to walk from the party with Kevin, and I figured at minimum he would kiss me. I needed to stay loaded to help me not think of Mathew’s kiss.
“I’ll grab several beers from here, Mathew won’t care. You’ve been to my house. It’s just a few streets over.”
I tried to remember where it was exactly. I could see Mathew and me sitting on the swing in Kevin’s backyard. Oh shit, it was his bedroom, the first cross-over, after I’d tried to set rules for Mathew. How could I forget?
“I need to find Mathew and tell him goodbye,” I said.
I knew my motive was twofold: to say goodbye and for him to know I was leaving with Kevin. It might get to him. I wanted to make absolutely sure he knew.
“I’ll meet you in the entry in a few minutes,” I said, slipping my shorts and T-shirt on over my suit.
I found Mathew in the kitchen, talking. He smiled at me a knowing, sexy smile, which made my blood boil.
“I’m leaving. Thanks for the party,” I said, not feeling as nice as I sounded.
Mathew stared at me, and for a split second, I thought I saw some remorse, and then it was gone.
“You and Gayle off?” he asked.
“Gayle left a long time ago; I’m leaving with Kevin,” I answered.
He came toward me and took my arm moving us around the corner, away from the people in the kitchen.
“Morgan, don’t do anything crazy,” he whispered in a harsh tone.
I looked at him, and the anger rose up in my chest. It rose higher and higher and then welled over and made me feel mean. I bit my tongue a little. A small, frustrated laugh escaped my lips.
“Ha. Crazy?” I said, locking eyes with him.
He stared back at me.
“What’s crazy is the way you act. Now that’s crazy,” I said through a clenched jaw before I turned and walked away.
Kevin was standing alone in the entry and I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. To not appear the way I felt.
“Find him?” Kevin asked.
“Yep. Let’s go,” I said, opening the door and hurrying out.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m perfect,” I said, taking his hand.
We had walked a short distance when he put his arm around my shoulders. It felt good to be with Kevin, but my anger at Mathew was not far from the surface.
“What’s the deal with you and Mathew?”
“Nothing, we're friends,” I answered.
“Sometimes it seems like you’re mad at him,” he said.
Mad, today he’d made me furious.
“He can be challenging sometimes. Our families hang out a lot together, so I see him a lot. Let’s not talk about him.”
We got to his house, and he opened the front door for me.
“In here,” Kevin said, taking my hand and leading me into the family room.
The room was dimly lit, a brown upholstered couch against the window wall facing into the room. Two red armchairs were on the other wall, with a table lamp in between them. A wooden coffee table was in front of the couch littered with magazines. The TV sat across the room from the couch on a metal stand. I sat down on the couch and Kevin set two beers down in front of me.
“Here, open these,” he said. “I’m going to put these other beers in the fridge and give my brother the heads-up that he’s driving you home later.”
He disappeared down the hall while I opened the beers. I walked across the room and turned on the TV. I was surfing when he came back.
“He’s cool with it. Find anything interesting?”
“I just turned it on,” I said.
I flipped through once, then found a western with John Wayne.
“This okay?”
“Sure, I like westerns.”
I’d seen it before, but it didn’t matter. I left it there and
returned to the couch. We sat close together. He put his arm around me. His movements felt a little strained, like he was nervous. I leaned into him and he kissed me. He kissed me gently, timidly, nothing like Mathew, who had kissed me with a kind of hunger earlier. Mathew, damn you, get out of my head! Kevin started to relax as I reciprocated his attention, returning his kiss. I wanted to feel feelings like I felt when Mathew kissed me. Where are you, where is that fire? He started to kiss me more confidently. Kevin got up and turned off the lights. The blue glow of the TV lit the room.
“You looked hot today,” he said, kissing my neck, then coming back to my lips. “Would it be all right if we went to my room?”
I took his hand in confirmation. He led me down the hall. The room was dark, the moon shining through the sliding glass door. I was glad he didn’t try to turn on a light. I looked at the bed. I saw Mathew lying there with his shirt open. No! I blinked my eyes several times, and the vision went away. I went to Kevin, pressing into him. He lifted my T-shirt off. I untied my bikini top and let it fall to the floor. He seemed pleasantly surprised as he put his hands on my breasts. I waited to feel some of the intense desire I’d experienced with Mathew. Nothing. Take the p
lunge, Morgan, get it over with, lose the virgin title is all I could think of.
Kevin fumbled to undo my shorts. I took over stripping everything off. I had never been naked in front of a guy before. I felt like I should not be feeling so disconnected, I wondered if it was just nerves. “Don’t do anything crazy” I heard Mathew say in my head and I got angry all over again. Kevin took off his clothes. I knew I was going to have sex with him. I knew after this, I wasn’t going to be the “little virgin” anymore. As much as the thought pissed me off, I wished it was Mathew. I hoped Kevin would brag to Mathew. I could only hope it would hurt him.
I concentrated on Kevin, who was making me feel things that were new. Where is the fire? screamed in my head. He kissed me more intensely, running his hands down my body. He moved me toward the bed. When we lay down next to each other, he moved his hand to my crotch. He pushed his fingers into me, turning up the heat, but only a little. I reached for his cock, knowing he was already hard. I stopped.
“What?” he asked.
“Condom,” I said.
“Where? I don’t have one.”
“I do,” I said, reaching over him to my purse.
“You do?” he asked, surprised.
I handed him the condom. I watched him fumble with the package. He looked at me shyly.
“Morgan, I’ve never done this before. I’m a virgin.”
I almost laughed out loud. Here I was mad at Mathew, giving up my virginity to get it over with, and hoping it would ultimately hurt Mathew, and I’d picked another virgin. Great!
“That makes two of us, Kev. Let’s get this virgin thing over with,” I said.
I watched as he rolled the condom on. He got on top of me awkwardly. As Kevin entered me, I felt a stab of pain, then it was gone, and the pleasure started. It was to be short-lived as Kevin finished in a hurry. This is what everyone’s so charged about? What’s so great about that? Afterwards we lay on the bed in each other’s arms. I knew I would never be with him again. I knew I cared about Kevin, and we had shared a special moment, but my heart wasn’t there.
“Can your brother take me home now?” I asked, feeling the need to go.
“No problem,” Kevin said, putting his clothes back on.
