by Sienna Blake
But there was only just dark, flat, cold windows staring back at me.
Aubrey
Three days.
That’s how long I’d been hiding under my blankets like a little girl hiding from a boogeyman. Except my boogeyman was real. He looked like a wet dream, smelled like sin, a grin that could drop any panties in the room.
And he’d managed to trick me into getting in mine.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to turn to. Noah was my best friend. He was the one I would have called straight away. He would have come over, wrapped me up in one of his warm, solid hugs and let me cry out everything. He would have threatened the asshole who’d broken my heart with a lifetime of pain, made me laugh, fed me Murphy’s caramelized brown bread ice cream and given me hope that things were going to be okay.
Except the one who’d betrayed me was him.
I kept hoping I’d wake up and it would all be some awful dream. But here I was, three days later, still pretending to be a burrito in my duvet like a dang toddler.
I fucking hated him. I hated his lies and his secrets. I hated that he risked our friendship for one night of sex. I hated the way my traitorous body heated up every time the memories from that night stole over me—his lips on my skin, eyes watching me from between my legs, the feel of him filling me. I hated that every single fond memory of Ireland had him in it, because they were all tainted now. He’d spoiled all of it. Ruined me.
But the part that I hated most of all…is that I didn’t hate him at all.
From under the covers, I peeked at the TV. I’d turned on the news simply to find out the date and the day of the week.
I’d hidden my phone from myself. I was worried I’d call or text Noah without even thinking about it. Like I usually did when I found a funny picture or saw something awesome. I’d snap pictures and send them or send him good morning memes with some stupid coffee is my life quote attached. I’d send him short clips of what I was doing, pictures of food I’d cooked or ordered, bits of shows I was watching.
I didn’t realize how much of the fabric of my life he’d woven himself into. Until he’d been ripped out of it.
That, and I’d not heard a peep from him.
After I’d missed the first day of work, I thought he might reach out. Use work as an excuse to see if I was okay, when I’d come in…
Then the second day draggggged past.
And here we are. Day three.
Nothing. No calls, no texts, no fucking smoke signals. I might as well have dropped off the face of the earth for all he seemed to care.
It left me teetering between screaming at the face of my silent screen and crying into my pillow with the heartless bit of plastic clutched to my chest.
Hence, the phone was banished to the depths of my fridge, jammed between the wilting cabbage and half bottle of HP brown sauce.
“It would seem that that anonymous Irish Lottery we all heard about circling the internet found its winner,” one news anchor said to another.
I choked on my inhale.
The blonde news anchor laughed before pouting. “It wasn’t me. Oh, man, though do I wish it had been!” She smiled brightly at the camera.
The male news anchor glanced at her. “And what was your fantasy, Carol?”
“That’s none of your business, Tom,” she said brightly with an edge to her voice that said she’d cut him if he kept pushing. “I can say that I bet hundreds of thousands of women are sobbing that they lost. But to that lucky winner out there,” she said, looking into the camera like she could see into my soul, “enjoy yourself!”
I was going to be sick.
I lunged for the remote, cussing when I dropped it, fumbling with it like a hot potato before finally turning it off. The black screen mocked me. The silence swelled up around me, reminding me of how utterly alone I was.
Oh, I’d enjoyed myself. But that one incredible night, that one ultimate fantasy had cost me my best friend.
Aubrey
The knock at the door startled me. I jerked my head up off the couch pillow where I’d fallen asleep. I wiped at the crusted tears in the corners of my eyes.
Was I dreaming that knock?
It sounded again.
My heart leapt in my chest. Noah.
“Just a minute,” I called out. I jumped off the couch in my ugly grey sweats and old faded tee shirt and hurried to the bathroom to splash water on my face. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Dear God. I winced at the sight of me. I was going to need more than a little water. I grabbed my hairbrush and pulled my messy hair into a bun on my head. Mascara. I grabbed the wand and—
The knock came again. Shit. No time. This bare face was going to have to do. Besides, Noah had seen me without any makeup on about a million times.
I raced to the door, my heart pounding a million miles in my chest, already imagining him on my doorstep with a lamb kebab, hold the onions, extra hot sauce, as a peace offering, begging me to let him talk the second the door flew open.
Even though I wanted to slam the door in his face, I’d let him come in. I’d hear his apology and my heart would fill even though my features would stay stony. Because it was Noah.
It was Noah.
The only person I couldn’t live without.
I unlocked the door and threw it open.
It wasn’t Noah.
Candace’s pretty face stared back at me. My heart slipped into my shoes. She didn’t give me a chance to react before pushing into my apartment.
“Sure, come in, I guess,” I muttered and closed the door behind us.
“Girl, you look awful.”
I turned to face her. She was standing right where I’d stood in that sexy white lingerie the night the men had come over. I swallowed hard at the memory as Candace gave me an up and down look.
Of course I looked awful—I’d been hiding in bed for days. I don’t think I’d showered since…
I crossed my arms protectively across my belly and shrugged as nonchalantly as I could. “I’m…sick.” I let out a weak fake cough into my hand.
Her eyes narrowed, her magenta painted lips pursed. She shifted her weight to her right hip and planted her fist there. I wasn’t fooling her for a second. “Heartsick, you mean?”
Oh fuck. She knew. Noah had told her. I couldn’t form words. How dare he tell anyone about…about…
“You two are terrible at hiding your business,” she said, walking over to my couch and taking a seat.
I followed her automatically, my limbs all numb.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I managed to say.
Candace lifted a hand. “I’m not going to say anything to anyone else, promise. I came over to make sure you were okay.”
I nodded, feeling a bit of relief at her promise. “Thanks, Candace. You’re a good friend.” Tears stung in my eyes and I blinked them back while sucking in a deep, pained breath.
“Oh, honey,” she said, pulling me into a hug.
I melted into her arms, feeling like maybe I wasn’t so alone.
“Amiga?” she said.
“Yeah?”
“You really need to take a shower.”
A half hour later, clean, dry and wearing fresh clothing, I sat across my little dining table from Candace. She had ordered Thai takeout delivery for two while I was in the shower after she’d discovered I had nothing in my fridge.
Candace had thrown open some windows, folded up my duvet and pillows that had been sprawled over the couch, thrown away the Tayto crisps and Snack bar wrappers littered around the room and lit a spiced mimosa and orange scented candle. These little things made my heart warm.
She’d also handed me my phone with a strange look. I thought she might have questioned my sanity but she just nodded and said, “When I left my asshole cheating bastard boyfriend, I rolled mine up in socks and stuck it in the dryer for a week.”
Now the apartment smelled like fragrant spicy curry and coconut rice, steam rising
up from the open takeaway containers as I spooned food onto my plate, mouth salivating, stomach rumbling. This would be the first real meal I’d had in days.
We ate in silence for a while until my burning curiosity got the better of my hunger.
Candace paused, a bite of red curry chicken halfway to her mouth as she stared at me over her perfectly held chopsticks. “I knew something was up because of Noah,” she said.
I stiffened, the piece of baby corn crushed between my molars.
Noah was our boss. Well, her boss, anyway. I was as good as fired, I was sure. Or he could have assumed I quit. It was unprofessional of me not to show up at work, but, hello? Extenuating circumstances. That was totally unprofessional for him to spill our business. I could go over there right now and walk right up to that tall, handsome asshole and give him a piece of my mind.
“Don’t blow an artery, he didn’t say anything,” Candace said, before she popped the bite in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. While I waited for her to clarify, I set down my fork—appetite gone—and tried to slow my rapidly beating heart.
She swallowed. “He wouldn’t talk about it, but I could tell he was miserable.”
“He’s miserable?” I wanted to rejoice in his misery, but I couldn’t. It hurt me to know he was miserable. It also shattered any thought I had that I was the only one suffering.
Did he actually feel hurt because he knew he’d screwed up and lost me as a friend or…more?
“Gone is funny, happy Noah. All that’s left is a grouchy, broody, angry shell of a man.” Candace shook her head. “Brooding really doesn’t work with him. Noah’s too…boy next door, too wholesome Irish lad. Danny O’Donaghue, on the other hand…” Her eyes went all gooey as she mumbled on in Portuguese. I caught the words so sexy and suck chocolate off his—
“Candace.” I snapped my fingers in front of her face. “Focus.”
“Oh, right.” She grabbed her unopened soda and pressed the condensing can to her neck. “The only reason Noah is ever this way is over you.”
“Me?” I blinked.
Candace gave me a look. “I can tell you all of the five times over the last four years you guys have actually fought. One, the first summer when you’d introduced him to Sean and they’d almost gotten into a fist fight out the back of Bernard Shaw and almost took out the pizza cart. Two, that time you guys…”
As she continued to detail fights I’d totally forgotten about, my eyes widened.
“So, you see, amiga,” she finished with, “every single time Noah’s turned into a broody asshat has been when you and he are fighting.”
“I—I didn’t know,” was all I could say.
“Of course you didn’t know. Because by the time you next see each other, you’ve forgiven him and he’s back to being Noah. But when you didn’t show up for work at all I knew it was bad.”
I nodded. Fair enough. It wouldn’t have taken a genius to piece these things together.
“You want to talk about it?” Candace asked.
I shook my head.
“Sure?”
I nodded.
She lifted an eyebrow. “A problem shared…”
I let out a long sigh. Truth was, I was desperate to talk to someone. “We…we were intimate.”
“Hah!” Candace slapped the table, startling me. “Finally.”
I winced. Finally. Finally, I slept with the best friend everyone already thought I was sleeping with and it ended up with my heart being ripped into pieces.
“I take it you and Sean are over,” Candace said.
I nodded, thankful that Candace hadn’t made the assumption that I’d cheated.
“So, you and Hottie McBartender,” she let out a wistful sigh. “Tell me details. No, wait! I don’t want to know. Shit. Yes, I do.” She leaned over the table, her eyes widening. “Was it amazing?”
Was it? It was mind-blowing, earthshattering…and heartbreaking. I let out a shaky breath and nodded. “It was…epic.”
Candace let out a squeal which faded as she spotted my face. “So…the problem is?”
“He lied to me.” It was about as close as I could get to the truth without violating the agreement I’d signed.
“About what?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Does it matter? He lied about something important. He hurt me. End of story.” Feeling broken again, I knew my shoulders were sagging and I shoved the food around on my plate while blinking back tears. I’d cried more in the last couple days than I had my whole life leading up to now, I was pretty sure.
“Amiga,” Candace said slowly, “when has Noah ever done anything without the best of intentions?”
I blinked at her, opened my mouth and closed it. I hated that she was right. As lost in my anger and pain as I’d been these last few days, I’d lost sight of the fact that I knew Noah. He was a good man with a good heart.
Even when it came to women? A voice inside me argued.
Even when it came to women. He might have been a player, but he had always been clear about what he offered. Just one night.
But with me… I…I didn’t know what he was offering.
Candace nodded at me over our forgotten Thai. “We will always hurt the ones we love. It comes with letting people so close they can see our vulnerable underbelly. The only question is whether Noah is worth forgiving.”
Could I forgive Noah? Could I forgive his lies? That he slept with me while pretending to be a stranger? Even now the burn of remembering the betrayal still raged in my heart.
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Even if I could forgive him…” I trailed off.
“You guys have been circling each other for years, amiga. And now that something more has happened…why can’t it be more?”
“He’s too much of a player,” I said, the words bursting out of me.
She frowned and leaned forward. When she spoke, her voice was staccato. “Name one woman he’s gone home with since you’ve known him.”
I thought about it, running through the last four years in my head.
Candace watched me, her dark eyes serious, her food forgotten.
Noah worked at the bar five or six nights of the week. He’d always taken me home, then texted me several times afterwards. He wouldn’t have done that if he was lying next to someone else. I thought about the times we’d gone out together on his days off, the times he’d been slipped numbers by women on the sly. He’d often either ignored them or we’d had an I can’t believe the nerve of her session or he’d make a joke. He always threw the numbers away in front of me.
I couldn’t think of a single time he’d told me he had someone coming over or that he was going home with someone. We were good enough friends that he’d tell me, I was sure of that. Even if he’d been keeping it on the down low, I’d know. I mean, we spent all our time in almost constant contact. We texted first thing in the morning every day and last thing at night, too. There was no way he was texting me with a naked woman in his bed.
But tales of his conquests and the hordes of women that he’d dropped who were still chasing him were practically legends in The Jar. There were a ton of women who came there just to drink and stare at him, or who would flirt with him, or try to give him their numbers.
I’d heard all about the God of Thunder and about how he could make a woman forget herself. My cheeks stung. Oh boy, could he make a woman forget herself. That night he’d made me into a totally different person: some weak, knee-trembling mess of a human being who couldn’t speak or think straight, much less remember my name.
Candace was still waiting for my answer.
“Um.” I shifted in my chair. “I can’t think of any.”
“That’s because…” Candace paused for dramatic effect, “…there haven’t been any. Not since he met you.”
I took a moment to assimilate this. She was right, but it sounded wrong. Was there really not one single night he’d taken someone home or gone home with them? Maybe I’d just forgotten…
“Okay, fine,” I said. “So he’s a reformed player. Whatever. Or he’s just good at hiding it. But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s too hot for me.”
“What?”
“He’s so incredibly good-looking and could have any woman. Why would he even look twice at me?”
“What?”
“Women throw themselves at him all the time. I couldn’t be with someone who was that beautiful. I’d be too stressed, too worried all the time.” I was on a roll now. “I’d be jealous and unhappy knowing that I would have to compete with other women for his attention for the rest of my life. And what happens when I age and these…” I waved at my boobs, “…droop, or this…” I waved at my face, “…wrinkles? Men age like a fine wine. Women, we just get old.” I shook my head. “No. I couldn’t do it. I could never be with Noah. We could never work.”
Candace stared at me for one long moment. She knocked back her head and let out a laugh, her palm slapping the table.
I blinked at her thinking she’d gone mad.
“That, amiga…” she wiped a tear from her eye, “…is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“It’s true,” I whined.
“Let me tell you something I’ve had to learn the hard way. Beauty is over-fucking-rated.”
I stared at her. Now she really had gone mad.
“Trust me, I know. What? You’re thinking of all those idiots staring at me all the time? I would trade all of this,” she waved her hand over her youthful exotic face, her curvy body, “for just one man—one good-hearted man—who looked at me like I was his world. The way that Noah looks at you.”
I sucked in a breath. Noah looked at me as if I was his world?
“When men look at beautiful things,” Candace continued, “they are looking with their eyes, amiga. It’s fickle, it fades, and there will always be another pretty young thing for the eyes to be temporarily distracted by. But when a man is in love, he sees who you are. That is real. That won’t fade. And there is no beauty, nothing that is shiny or glittery enough, that can compare to what he sees when he looks at you with his heart.”
