by Sienna Blake
“Well, what have you tried?”
“I…tried talking to her…apologizing…” Actually, now that I think about it, did I actually say the words I’m sorry?
“Fifty times?” my ma asked.
“Um…once?”
“Jaysus, Mary and Joseph.” My ma looked up to the heavens. “Lord forgive me, I have raised a fecking eejit.”
“Ma!”
She glared at me. “Of course she won’t forgive you, you haven’t feckin’ tried.”
“I was giving her space to cool off,” I argued. “She didn’t want to hear me out. She told me to get out.”
“And then?”
“And then… she never called.” If Aubrey didn’t want to talk to me, wasn’t I supposed to leave her alone until she came to me? Wasn’t this me respecting her wishes? I mean, when I told my brothers to fuck off, they left me alone. They knew I’d go to them when I was ready to hash that shite out, usually through a couple of decent punches while rolling around in the dirt, then heading to the pub for a pint afterwards.
Like with Darren. I had lost my fucking mind when he’d admitted that he’d rigged the lottery after finding Aubrey had entered when he was fixing her laptop. I’d punched him in the nose before Eoin and Michael had separated us and then stormed off. Days later, I’d showed up at his mechanic shop for round two. We’d gone to the pub afterwards and he admitted he thought it’d be the ticket to pushing us clueless eejits together.
Fuck me, women were confusing.
Ma snorted. “Men,” she mumbled under her breath. “Have I taught you nothing about women?”
“Obviously not,” I muttered.
Ma sighed. “Ye boys never do until someone smacks you in the nose with it. Son,” she said, her voice growing steady, “when you fuck up with Aubrey, which you’re going to do again and again, you give her some space so she can cool off and you have time to figure out what you have to do to prove to her that you’re truly sorry.”
“But I am. Truly.”
Ma rolled her eyes. “Words mean shite without actions to back them up. Prove to her that you’re actually sorry and not just talking shite out your hoop. You need to grovel.”
“Okay.”
“Like, international gold medal-winning groveling.”
“Fine.”
“Forget your pride, shove your dignity in a blender and—”
“Okay, I got it already.”
“And you better do it soon because I want grandbabies.”
“Ma!”
She grabbed my hands in hers. “I’ve been watching you two for the last four years. Even a blind person could see that you’re mad for her. And she is for you.”
Hope pricked at my soul. Maybe my ma was right.
“Tell her the truth,” my ma continued. “Tell her how you feel about her. Be open and honest. Promise her you’ll be the man she deserves.”
My stomach tightened.
The man she deserved.
Aubrey deserved so much.
So much more than Sean.
So much more…than me.
“That’s just it, Ma,” I said in a whisper. “I’m not the man she deserves.”
And there, laid bare, was the real reason why I’d hung up before the call connected these last few days. Why I stayed in that feckin’ car staring at her windows instead of banging down her door. Why I’d left her apartment that night without a fight.
She deserved better than me.
“Bollocks,” Ma said.
“I’m not good enough for her,” I said, meaning every word. “I’m just a bartender who hurt her. I don’t have a degree or a fancy job. I can’t buy her a big house or take her travelling. The life I offer her isn’t enough.” I was just a pretty face and a well-kept body that women liked to ride. Once.
The words didn’t even sting. They were the simple, honest truth. She’d dated Sean, an up-and-coming lawyer with sophistication and family money, and even he wasn’t good enough for her.
“Noah, a man doesn’t become worthy of a woman because of what he is or what he can buy her. He becomes worthy because of how he treats her.”
I blinked, staring at my ma like I’d only just realized she was human. Like she’d been through her own life of love and loss. She wasn’t just my ma, but a grown woman.
Despite my ma’s words, fear still crept in. If I tried and failed, then all would be lost. “What if she refuses to listen to me?”
“Even if she slams her door in your face, you can bet she’s on the other side of it, hurting and listening. Confess your heart to her anyway.”
“And if she doesn’t open the door?”
“Go back the next day and the next and the next until she does. And if that doesn’t work, I know a great marching band.”
For the first time since that night, a light came on inside me.
I just had to treat Aubrey better than anyone would or could ever treat her. And that didn’t necessarily mean buying her things. God, how stupid was I? Aubrey had never been a materialistic person anyway. She was a simple girl at heart with simple tastes.
Her favorite things to do were to sit in a candlelit corner of Blackbird with me, a pint and a game of Connect 4. Or walking around Glendalough Lake as I taught her to skip stones. Or catching a free Riff Raff comedy gig at the Chelsea Drugstore and laughing until we collapsed into tears. Or eating kebabs with me on the floor of her living room.
Suddenly, all the things I had to tell Aubrey rose to a shout inside me, impatient from being repressed for so many years. All I needed to do was figure out how to tell her that I was a feckin’ eejit, but I was her eejit. I would spend the rest of my life making her fall in love with me if she just gave me a chance.
Noah
A man doesn’t become worthy of a woman because of what he is, he becomes worthy because of how he treats her.
With my mother’s words ringing in my ears, I walked up the stairs to Aubrey’s front door, a neighbor walking out, having let me in downstairs. Every step felt like my feet were growing heavier and heavier.
I wanted to run. Run as far away from this mess I’d made and this icky vulnerable feeling. But I kept walking. No matter how sick to my stomach I felt at the thought of her slamming the door in my face, I had to risk it. She was worth it.
Even if I had to pour my heart out to her front door like a fool. A fool in love.
Her door came into sight and I froze, blood draining from my limbs. Aubrey was hugging Sean. Now she was stepping aside and—and—letting him into her apartment.
Something ugly wormed through my gut, irritation hummed in my head. My fingernails dug into my palms and I swear I let out an actual growl.
No.
Sean could not say his piece first.
He did not deserve Aubrey.
He didn’t love her like I loved her.
I would not let him sweep her out from underneath my feet. Again.
Channeling Eoin, I charged at the door, fists raising to pound it open.
I planted a hand on the door, stopping it from catching before it closed. I shoved it open, pushing myself into Aubrey’s apartment.
I almost ran Aubrey over. She stumbled back a few steps, her eyes wide on me, her face paled. The hollow at the base of her neck bottomed out as she stared at me, her chest was rising and falling so hard.
I know. I was breaking all sorts of laws at that moment. Breaking and entering. Trespassing. Being a world-class eejit.
Whatever. I had lost my mind with jealousy. Sean had snatched Aubrey from me once. I’d be feckin’ dammed if I let him do it again.
“You can’t accept Sean back. You don’t love him,” I said.
Speaking of the knob-end, I could feel Sean staring at me. I ignored him, my focus only on Aubrey.
Her throat shifted up as she swallowed hard and she glanced between Sean and me.
Was she trying to make up her mind?
I kept going. This was my one shot at getting her back. “He doe
sn’t make you happy. You deserve someone who makes you happy, someone who puts you first. And… And he doesn’t love you.”
“Noah,” Sean had the nerve to say in that insufferable Dublin 4 accent.
“Shut up,” I snarled at him. “Don’t tell me you love her. Not as much as—” Not as much as I do. I have more love for her in my pinky toe than in your whole feckin’ soul. Say it, Noah.
“Noah.” This time it was Aubrey who spoke. “I think there’s been a mistake.”
“No. No mistake. I’ve made a ton of mistakes with you, fuck knows, I have, but this is not a mistake. You deserve someone who loves you—who loves you more than their own life. And I…” I am that man. Say it. I let out a growl. “I fucked up. I know. And I had this whole apology worked out but I don’t want to do it in front of him.”
Sean cleared his throat. “Well, I’ll just take my things and be on my way then.”
“I…” Wait, he what?
Sean picked up a box by his feet that I hadn’t noticed before. A box of odds and ends. A button-down shirt. A silk tie. A couple of books, a movie, a rain jacket. Things that someone might have left at their ex’s place…and need to have returned.
With the box under one arm, Sean walked up to Aubrey and pressed a key into her outstretched palm. Her fingers closed around it. He leaned in and kissed her cheek, a quick kiss, a sign of courtesy.
She nodded at him.
Then without another word, he turned and walked towards the door, skirting around me to get out.
The door closed behind him with a click. For the first time since that night I’d made love to her, I was alone with Aubrey.
She stared at me.
“He wasn’t here to ask for you back,” I said dumbly.
She shook her head.
“He just came to pick up his stuff,” I bumbled on. Ma was right. I was a fecking eejit.
“Why are you here?” I could hear a tremor in her voice, could see the pain in her beautiful eyes.
All the words I had prepared to say flew out of my head.
Lord help me.
I was left dumb.
Wordless.
No ammunition left to fight for her.
Aubrey
I hated Noah.
Hated him for barging into my apartment. For accusing me of getting back with a man I didn’t love.
As we stood wordless, just staring at each other, I hated him for the swollen silence. For stealing my breath when I looked at him. For making my heart ache just to feel him in the room.
I let out a huff when it was clear he wasn’t going to speak, anger stacking like bricks around me like a shield. “We obviously have nothing to say to each other.” I brushed past him, warmth sparking through my shoulder at his touch. Stay strong, Aubrey. “I think you should leave.” I placed my hand on the door handle.
A warm hand covered mine.
“Please…”
His voice ruffled my hair, sending a shiver down my spine.
I tried to swallow down the rising knot of emotions. Failed. It was his hand. His hand on me that was cluttering my brain. Making me stupid.
I snatched my hand away from his, rubbing where he’d touched me with my other hand. But the heat wouldn’t go.
“Please, look at me.”
Fuck.
With feet like lead, I turned. Reminding myself how much he’d hurt me. Promising myself I wouldn’t accept it even if he did apologize. Telling myself that he’d only hurt me again.
I was lost the second I stared into those eyes.
“I…I booked and paid for Ma’s surgery,” he said.
I smiled even though it felt like a crack spreading through dry earth. “I’m glad. She must have been over the moon.”
“You know Ma. Giving me grief over spending so much money on her. Accusing me of running guns to pay for it.”
“Sounds like her.” I dropped my gaze, unable to keep looking at him. Perhaps it would be easier to forgive him if it had been guns that’d funded her surgery. Rather than my broken heart. “Well, thanks for coming around to tell me about it.”
Noah didn’t move. “The second it was done, the first thing I wanted to do was to call you. I did call. Then I hung up.” His cheeks colored.
I gritted my teeth. “Well, we were friends for years. Calling me is just a habit. A habit you’ll grow out of.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I’m not going to grow out of you.”
“What?”
“Ah, feck, I’m doing this all wrong.”
I could see the frustration in his eyes, like his words just weren’t enough.
He inhaled and let it all out, a sudden sureness in his features. “I’m sorry.”
I swallowed hard. “Go on.”
“I should have told you about the lottery.”
That we could agree on.
“I should have told you that it was me. I should have told you I wanted you to see me as more than a friend. Instead of hiding who I was under a mask, I should have told you I wanted to make love to you.”
I sucked in a breath.
He moved towards me, his stare so intense that I felt like he might never let me go if he caught me. I backed up.
“But the thing I should have done most, Rey, was to tell you…”
My back pressed against the door and I could get away no more.
He leaned in. “The night we spent together wasn’t just some fucking lottery prize. It was real. I know you felt it, too.”
The ice that had formed around my heart began to thaw. “So what if you and I felt it?” I said, my voice all rough. “It’s too late.”
“Don’t say that.” His finger traced my cheek, his eyes dropping to my mouth.
I shook my head. His nearness was confusing me, making me stupid. “It is,” I whispered. “Because I have to return to the US soon and we’re going to lose each other anyway.” It was a cruel joke played on us by the universe. We’d finally admitted what we were to each other only to be torn apart.
“Aubrey, you remember when we watched that movie? I can’t remember the name, but it had that ending, that stupid ending, after the lovers were separated and I was like, wait, did he end up with her or not? And you said—”
“Where there is love, there is hope,” I finished for him.
Noah smiled. “Where there is love, there is hope,” he repeated. “Aubrey, I love you. I’ve always loved you. And it doesn’t matter if you don’t love me back, I have enough love for both of us. Enough hope for both of us.”
Every word squeezed around my aching swollen heart. I loved him too. More than I could ever explain.
I wanted to tell him so. To speak. But…
He slid his hands around my jaw, until he held my face in his hands, looking at me as if I were his whole world.
And I knew right this second, I’d never doubt what he felt for me. I’d never question whether any other pretty glittery woman was beautiful enough to steal his attention. Because when Noah O’Sullivan looked at me, it was with his heart.
He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine.
His kiss was like a balm, soothing over the rough, wounded edges he had made. Stitching back the pieces of my heart.
We kissed for every second we spent apart.
We kissed for every minute we’d wasted, not kissing.
We kissed for all the years we hoped to have left kissing.
He pulled away, leaning his forehead against mine. “I wanted to kiss you so many times over the last four years.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Sean. I thought you were happy with him. Your happiness meant more to me than my own. It still does. If you don’t think I could make you happy, I’ll walk away. If you tell me the only way to make you happy is to be your friend again, that’s what I’ll do and never ask for more. But…”
“But?”
“But I’m hoping you’ll give me a chance to show you…if you let me…I will s
pend the rest of my life making you happy.” He dropped to one knee, holding my hands in one of his.
“What are you doing?” I squealed.
“Marry me,” he said. “Stay here. I don’t care if you only want to be friends, I just need you in my life.”
It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever offered to do for me.
“No.”
His expression shifted from stunned to hurt, his hands falling from mine. “No?”
I kneeled down in front of him and took his hands. “I won’t marry you so I can stay in Ireland. I’ll marry you because I’m in love with you, Noah Michael O’Sullivan, my best friend. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Noah blinked at me, saying nothing for so long I started to feel self-conscious.
“Say something,” I begged.
“I must be dreaming.”
“What?”
“I’ve dreamed about hearing you say those words for almost four years.” His gaze held mine, piercing me right into my soul the very way he did when we were making love that night. That’s what it was. Making love. The first three orgasms had been about pleasure. But with Noah, it was all love. Even when he was fucking me hard into the mattress. “Say it again,” he whispered.
“Which part?” I said, suddenly shy.
“The part when you told me you’re in love with me. You…love me?”
I laugh-cried. “Yes.”
Suddenly, he was standing, pulling me up into those big strong arms I’d been missing so terribly. I found myself wishing we’d admitted our hearts long ago. I hated how much time we’d lost, how much pain we’d both suffered for no good reason.
“I missed you so much,” he whispered into my hair as he squeezed me as tightly as he dared.
I tilted my head back to look up at him. “I missed you, too,” I said.
His eyes ticked to my mouth before he lowered his lips to mine. This time his kiss wasn’t gentle. It was raw and desperate. He growled, his teeth capturing my lower lip before he kissed me deeply. Our tongues met and danced and my heart pounded in my chest. I wanted him, I wanted him more than I ever thought possible. More than when he was just the masked Blue.
Our hands became frantic, roaming across each other, pulling off clothes, as if the last four years had been foreplay and we would both explode if he wasn’t inside me right now. Like we’d been kept apart for years and we couldn’t get enough.
