. . . I feel like I haven’t written this book properly for at least ‘God knows’ how many weeks… weeks? (exaggeration?) I have been through absolute hell… my body, what’s left of it to feel, is sore, beaten, bruised, and broken and the mind is on another planet at times and not always a very nice planet, actually one that you could only imagine in your worst nightmares.
The part of my body that doesn’t function any more, still gets so painful and it sometimes twitches and my legs jump up, this is spasms apparently, (poor kids thought that my legs were moving like normal legs, and at first I did to). I wanted to know more about these spasms because it wasn’t fair on the kids to let them keep thinking my legs are moving by themselves, so when I asked the doctor I was told (I hope I copied this down right). ‘Neuropathy’ means disease of the nerve endings, which by adding to the paralysis from the severed spine, can lead to a ‘pins and needles’ effect to the legs and torso area which causes the legs to twitch, jump and shake, sometimes uncontrollably. In time they can sort out the medication that suits the specific person, but spasms can differ from one person to another. Quite often though, there is no explanation for neuropathy pain, but I hope the bloody medication they’ve given me works, because these ‘spasms’ are sooo sore. It’s like cramps that you get at the back of your legs and feet, but these ‘cramps’ are through the whole body. Also, the tightness around my ribs where that imaginary corset is, makes me feel sore and breathless, like the life is being sucked out of me.
I have been fighting and arguing with people, bitching, being rude and cheeky and sometimes arrogant and downright ugly as a person… it’s all so unlike me!! Help! . . . I’m turning into a grumpy old cow!!
Monday 13th October
Had a good nights sleep, I think, rolled over and fell asleep again. I’m getting into some weird positions and the head is pretty weird as well!! Oh God, the pain in my bum is sore, sore, bad, bad and getting worse. I can’t understand all this… help, I don’t understand what’s going on, and it’s probably quite simple and I’m just being a dozy mare!! Oh crikey, Paula and mum just came in and I thought they had gone home? mmh? I can’t write any more for a moment.
Why would Paula tell the nurse I’m vegetarian… I’m sure that’s what she said? . . .
I’m confused…
Anyway, nearly fell out with Paula over a comment she made about Barry… so, I told her to ‘piss off’, ‘nicely’, of course (if that’s possible)! Mum intervened… we made up and then they had to go. I must stop wasting precious time getting upset and angry… Getting tired… AGAIN!! Tomorrow I am carrying on seriously with my book! So, please god, help me be nicer as a person, albeit a paralysed person, because the latter is definitely grumpier, and I do love Paula, so nite nite to mum and Barry and the Kids, and everyone I have been nasty too… It’s really NOT me.
Tuesday 14th October
I woke up early and decided not to go back to sleep… I am gonna fight it and I’m gonna win! I think I have been sleeping too much lately. Marie, nurse came in, and that cheered me up, she got me into the shower, and I was aching and in soo much pain. The physio, with the help of Marie, put me on something that looked like a ‘lilo’ on wheels?? It was quite funny actually, if there had been some sand and a bit of sun, and me with my shades, I could have pretended I was on the beach! God knows, I’ve been everywhere else lately, why not the beach, maybe somewhere like the Carribbean, or (I’ll settle for), Blackpool (I’m not too fussy—anywhere out of here)? Just anything, summit nice for a change… anyway, washed my upper body but didn’t touch the lower parts or my hair (the stitches in my head that I forgot about actually, are hurting, but due to too much pain everywhere else what’s a little migraine gonna do?). I haven’t touched the part of my body that doesn’t move anymore by itself… it gives me shivers, and goosebumps and it feels too weird to even think about. Imagine carrying about limbs that don’t even work… why not just take them off and it saves having to wash them. I HATE having legs that do nothing but GET IN THE WAY and are SO HEAVY!
Stopped for a bit… at least I feel nice and clean… trying to start writing my book again, but not getting anywhere and believe me, what I am doing is a real struggle. God, what’s wrong with me? I can normally do short-hand, write nice and clearly, and make sense!!
Had to ask for the Dr, Dr Dunne (I prefer Dr Didn’t, it seem more apt) came to see me and just explained that I may feel a little (little? what a bloody joke) bit uncomfortable and get a little confused at the moment because of the medication, and that the wound on my ‘sacral’ area could be causing discomfort!! Piss Off… I wanna DIE! Is that `uncomfortable` enough… I get the distinct impression he doesn’t really give a shit!
Spoke to my beautiful children… I will never forget Lv U Miss U Up To The Numbers, our code, LUMUUTTN, XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Oh God, I’m gonna cry, and by Christ I try not to, but at times it just all gets a bit too much. I have never seen so many ceilings. These aren’t in the hallucinations where I have been ‘velcroed’ to the ceilings, these are when I tilt my head towards the ceiling every time I feel I’m gonna cry and the tears slide subtly down the side of my face and eventually dry up! . . . . Nite Nite xxxxxx
Wednesday 15th October
Morning seems ok. Went into physio, wheeled in on my bed… how embarrassing, even though no one really seems to notice anything or anyone, because everyone is doing different things and their own things. I was put in something that looks like a cage with weird weights hanging from different parts of it, and strange looking iron strips pointing out mischievously from the sides… . My God, there was a bloody car in the part of the gym that I was in as well, an old decrepit looking thing with the number plate SPINAL on it… my physio explained that I didn’t need to worry about the car at the moment, but that at some time in my rehab they would be teaching me how to get in and out of a car… huh, that should be easy enough!! Anyway, I’m getting tired, probably the two weights I pulled down… they weren’t supposed to fall off the cage I don’t think though! Oops!
I can’t believe it… they are now trying to ask me where I would want to live when I leave here… God sake, I don’t have a bloody clue… ask me when I’m ready to think about that clearly, I’m not even really certain where I am. The other night I thought I was camping out, somewhere in Plymund and my nephew, Matthew appeared from nowhere (mental)! . . . why does the Fort keep niggling in my head? Also, these problems with my reading and writing are starting to worry me. I’m shutting the left eye whilst actually writing this, to try and see clearly out the of right… . I think, and I haven’t said anything to anyone, yet, but I really do think I have damaged something in my brain—Oh God, what if this isn’t the medication? My mood swings are changing and the dreams are really bizarre; at one point last night I saw my sisters Amy, Angela, Roselyn and Marie, in a bath and they were partially clothed… then the bath started closing in and squeezing them until they were crushed… Erm, very sad, very painful, even tragic… I’m dozing off again to sleep… Actually! I enjoy sleep—I wake up feeling happy and refreshed, sometimes, here’s hoping? Lets all have a good day tomorrow, ok? Goodnight, kiddies, mum and everyone I love and I REALLY hope the girls didn’t really get crushed! . . . .
Thursday 6 October
Good morning… I like the mornings, things seem to get done. What I mean is, that the nurses get bossy but in a nice way (I must be in a good mood), because they show you how to do something and in doing so, end up doing it themselves, so therefore things get DONE, because they’ve done it anyway! Dozed off—then DINNER! What happened to the morning? I woke up with a jolt… yup, I fell asleep again… I had a visitor… yeeha, just as well I dressed up and did my hair (if you call pigtails, where one is thicker than the other because the doc hacked one side of my hair off in order to do the stitches), doing my hair, phew. I was wearing a blue cowboy-style bandana, so if that’s your idea of dressing up, I was dressed up. Anyway, I’m
confusing myself. It was great to see C J, but now that I’m writing this I don’t remember much about the visit. CJ whose in The Spiral Steps, were playing some dates at the SECC. I thought that was pretty nice of him to come in, but it’s a shame though I don’t even know what I said to him? I probably wouldn’t have even remembered seeing him (no disrespect Carl, it’s just I think my memory has been affected by some of the meds!), If someone hadn’t asked me, if it was really Carl Jacks from the Spiral Steps that had been in to see me? Now that I am trying to remember, it was so good to see him actually, I like him a lot and if he wasn’t married to Colette and Barry’s best mate or Casey’s God-father or a total imbecile when it comes to women, I could actually fancy him! I’m drained! Barry phoned, so I told him about CJ. Barry thinks I’m falling asleep so much because I’m bored and when I get bored, that’s when I get dangerous—get real Barry, what can I get up to now when I can’t even walk… OK. I can get up to trouble anywhere!! I’m going to get a cup of tea before I go to sleep, because I’m getting drowsy again… drowsy, tired… please god, help me from getting soo drowsy… and help me be more compos mentis tomorrow… love everyone, including CJ and his family… .
Friday, Saturday, Sunday…
I’ve been waking up and falling asleep again and all the days seem to be running into each other and I am not managing to do my book. I have spoken to the family and asked them for some clothes… I have no joggers for physio or anything like that… I’m not used to all the physio malarkey… leaving clothing to the family can be dangerous, goodness knows what colours, or shapes or sizes they will be!! I’m not that bothered to be honest, I’m not awake enough for anyone to see me… oh I’m drowsy…
Sleeping for ages… it’s Sunday but it’s just the same as Saturday. I’m sorry, my writing is really affected at the moment. I am having really weird dreams and I have a short memory lately and keep thinking I’m in Spain! It’s quite funny actually… I have been asking the staff if it’s safe for them to be giving out meds, and me to be taking them, with all the drink I have in my system and all them with hangovers, Ole`! Actually I have been watching the holiday programmes and may even ask for an exchange abroad when I feel better, although I doubt I’ll get it somehow. At the moment Barry and I are away on holiday abroad, somewhere hot and we’re having a really good time… maybe it’s Tobago? I can’t really make my mind up about that yet… . Oh, back to reality, great surprise, CJ came in again. He is really looking good and he is really encouraging and has asked if I want to go to a gig at the SECC next time they play in Glasgow, I think he said next September… if that’s right, I should be out of here and I can take a friend, probably Caron, she lives in Glasgow, and we could have a great time. Well, that’s a new goal now! He had to go because he had a plane to catch, and before he went I asked about Colette and the kids and he says he hardly sees them at the moment because he is always so busy… I think more deliberate on his part… sorry Colette, but I think he’s regressing back to his ‘wild bachelor days’. Even in my semi-hazed state, I could tell when we said our ‘goodbyes’ with the ‘flirty continental kissing’ of each other cheeks, that CJ was getting a bit too ‘touchy, feely’, if you know what I mean? Normally I wouldn’t complain, (well I would really cause of Colette, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy it!) but I really don’t feel sexy or one bit attractive at the moment. CJ told me to try and stay strong and left. ‘Au Revoir mon amie’!
Unfortunately I haven’t spoken to my kids or written my book cause of my drowsiness for about 48 hours and that’s just too long… I’m going to ‘put my foot down’ (even though I can’t really) and tell the staff that absolutely, no matter what, I speak to the kids every day and my mum at least every second day… there… job done, orders issued!!
I don’t believe this, I dropped off to sleep and it is now Monday . . . this is crazy, I know I’m in Glasgow and I know I just saw Mr Templar, cause he has to check the wound on my bottom. Because of my bottom and my legs, that’s what’s keeping me in bed, even though I’m managing physio at times, but I fell asleep in the gym today after lunch. When they brought me breakfast and it was Tuesday, I couldn’t understand because I thought it was Monday’s supper! I now remember I spoke to Casey last night and she got upset because I didn’t sound myself and I always sound tired. I had to tell her I am really not well… oh no, she was really upset! I just woke up and it’s early and I’m already doing silly things. I dropped my pills this morning, and my God, there are hundreds of them… then fell asleep, and when I woke up there were things missing from my bedside… oh God, what’s happening to me? I think I went to physio, but even there I always feel so tired. I have just remembered, I saw Roselyn and Donnie, my sister and hubby, at the weekend and that was really really nice. I also have been sent a letter from a magazine asking if I could read ‘my story’ to them over the phone, but I think I need to speak to the family first… I’m drifting again.
Wednesday 3 November
Well, rite or write or right! Whatever, more like WRONG! Yeah, feeling very weird, up to now things have been pretty ‘off the wall’ and hectic and erratic and unfair and unkind and strange and scary and confusing and now I feel like I’m ‘opening a can of worms’. Trying to do right and doing more harm; trusting, believing, taking for granted, loving (or thinking I do), and talking too much at times and having to take time out to reflect on the ‘why’s and wherefores’ of everything. My God, the last entry in this book I vaguely remember because the rest of the time I was rather unable and disinclined to write and I’m so confused I don’t even know if it made sense. In all this mixed-up, confusing madness, I know I spoke to my beautiful kids, the lil’ beautiful toe rags and my ever-faithful, warts and all, Shonah, baby-an-all, hubby, Barry. In fact, I may well have been writing this at the same time… I hate to sound melodramatic, but doesn’t the girl who has the life-changing accident normally get the bloke in the end? . . . Yup, No, Alas, I ain’t! Read on at your peril!!
Monday 1st November (I think)
I’m not too sure, but I think that’s the date… it is so difficult to read and write… God, even my spelling is appalling! hence, I think it’s got something to do with the Plymund accident and I think that’s why I ache, and I can’t walk, and I have for the moment ‘invalidated’ (whatever that means—if anything) myself as far as my ‘mobility’ goes. I’m not too sure but I think it’s my legs that won’t work but my hands can write, even though not very well, and I’m sure I hit my head cause everything is jumbled up. Why can’t I spell, I feel dysleicx—see what I mean… ha ha I meant to do that! I think I should stop for a mo and get a nice cup of tea. That’s about as much as Dr Didn’t does—isn’t that what people say? ‘cuppa, just what the doctor ordered’, ha ha! Actually, he doesn’t even do that! What does the Doc do and why doesn’t he do more to help?
I am just going to explain the last weekend. Due to some ‘unanswerable’ mix up I had an ‘hallucinogenic’ experience, (I can’t describe this very well), whereupon mum and dad, yes dad, oh god I love my dad but where did he come from, were picking me up from the hospital and I think it was Derry, and I was meeting the kids in Fort George!!! Barry was ‘somewhere’ (I’m not sure) watching football, I started to get drowsy, I woke up and I was really sore, I wasn’t sure what night this was, but I didn’t know where I was and seemed stuck, not with glue, just, my body wouldn’t move by itself, it felt numb, and there were strange people around me… it was as if the nurses had brought the nurses station into the ward and there was a tall man in a suit who seemed to be the boss, but it felt like that time in Derry when all the staff were ignoring me. The tall man was talking to someone near me, and for some reason I was thinking that the woman in the next bed to me, and him were carrying on some sordid affair behind her husband’s back… then, it felt like the ward was turning into some kind of nightclub and the music was coming on, and instead of tending to the people in the ward, which was no longer a ward, there
was loads of loud chatter, people trying to be heard above each other, and they were all dancing instead of working. Why was I in there, unable to move and just wanting to be out of this bed. I would normally have loved to have joined in the fun, but for me this wasn’t fun, it was outrageous and I couldn’t understand it, I was so confused? (This was because I couldn’t recognise it as a ward anymore), to the right of my bed I could see neon lights but couldn’t make out what they were saying… but it looked like the name of a nightclub. When I did eventually get hold of one of the people in the room I asked for a glass of wine cause I was thirsty, and well, this was a club of some sort, and I thought it might help me sleep, cause that’s all I wanted to do. There were steel bars on my bed and I couldn’t understand that. After my ‘wine’, I couldn’t get back to sleep for the noise and every time I tried to sit up, I couldn’t. It was soo frustrating… I wasn’t even enjoying the incessant noise from chatter and music, it felt like it was a party, that I wasn’t a part of, so why should I be in a bed, unable to move, feeling soo drowsy? I didn’t understand… I thought it might be someones birthday… I was getting more and more upset because I didn’t recognise anyone, or where, or why I was where I was, and why couldn’t I move? When I was eventually moved it was for them to turn me, but why? I tried to get comfortable and wanted to talk to them, but was terrified; I couldn’t get the tall man out of my head; he seemed soo spooky, like the tall, creepy guy in the suit in one of the Poltergeist films.
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