Well, that was how crazy that experience was for me. I genuinely believed that all the above was happening to me, and I have never been so scared silly in my whole life. At times the experience was so real I would have rather died than for it to have got any worse. Now I really, really, and utterly empathise with any poor sod that ‘OD’s` on any kind of drug, because that was apparently what had happened to me. The morphine pump, which I had been using wasn’t regulated properly and that was what had caused the medication to affect me the way it had because I was just hitting the pump button every time I got a twinge, which was about every 5 seconds! So, if this can be the consequences of overdosing on any drug which is put in someone’s system, and what it does to someone’s mental state, it is no wonder people die all the time of drug induced ‘hallucinogenic’ experiences, because it is a horrible, terrifying experience that I would not wish on my worst ‘arch’ enemy and if this was going ‘cold turkey’ then it’s horrifying!
I write this for my own records, but I would just like to say that I have some more major life changes taking place, and incidentally, I have no inclination to take a drink, and for someone who doesn’t ‘do’ drugs, I never will. After the reaction I had both in body and mind, from my supposed ‘controlled’ medication. I would firmly ‘lobby’ against any form of any drug misuse. The problem for me now is that I am still in agony from my accident and I will have to stick to my ‘prescribed’ drugs, as long as they are taken properly now. Oh God, I can understand the downside and perils of extreme drinking and the train of thought as in the ‘been there done it’ scenario, but DRUGS, now that’s a whole new ballgame for me!! Maybe my crazy, frightening experience has helped my understanding now of what some of my friends in the rehab may have been through, especially with the withdrawals of detoxing, poor bastards, I had just been through it. I can only assume that most ‘trips’ to begin with are fun, same as drink… then like any other addiction, the fun starts to become a habit, rather than for fun, and before you know, you are dependant on that particular thing… it’s evil when an addiction takes over your life! Everyone else around you is affected too, but an addiction is not prejudice, it will take anybody, regardless.
I have spoken, and been honest today, as much as I can about the details of my own personal experiences, and how this whole horrifying situation affected me. I’m getting quite tired now and my hand is sore so I’m going to have to stop writing… byeeee, see ya in a mo… Gotta go shut eye… .
I was woken up by one of the nurses this evening, and had an amazing telephone call with Casey, she read out to me her ‘course of events’ of they way SHE saw MY LIFE. !! Without trying to get ‘overly’ emotional or even too sentimental what she had written down about the way she sees me was absolutely unbelievable! What a talent for writing she has! God, I love my children, and Casey and Mitch are the epitome of ‘unconditional’ love! I think we have a real ‘telepathy’ between us. We have both decided to record the ‘course of events’ over this lifetime, and exactly at this particular part, at the same time! I couldn’t have written an account of ‘my life’, up to now, the way Casey seems to have… she has summed it up perfectly to me in a nutshell, that it’s been ‘unfathomable’!! We were both thinking along the exact same lines!
Well I think for the moment, I’m really tired, which I always get, and by the way, when I told Casey about my horrific episode, she was scared for me that it could happen again, but I explained the meds were now given out properly by a nurse… I didn’t tell her that I was getting terribly paranoid at the moment, but that was because the nurse said that it would take a little while before it would eventually peter out completely… I hope she was telling me the truth… that’s why I say TRUST NO-ONE! My paranoia is still really bad, and I am watching everyone carefully… so for the end of another horrible paranoid day I will say, nite nite my beau kids, and my mum (and dad, who is dead but was so real is my nightmare), and everyone who’s still prepared to put up with my ‘craziness’ ha ha. That’s not asking too much, God! Is it!? God is probably in on the conspiracy as well?
Excellent News—I am hopefully getting over the worst of that horrorendous episode detailed before. I cannot believe that I OD`d on Morphine… what the hell was that all about; if it was because of an unregulated pump, by fuck, I should sue!! Maybe I will speak to Roselyn and Donnie (my sister and hubby) who are lawyers. I still feel a bit unsure of what’s happened to me so, I’ve got Marie, the aux, spying for me, and if she sees anything suspicious she will let me know. I gotta keep on my toes (hopefully I will one day—I don’t know exactly the extent of the long term damage)? Marie took me for a shower on that blue lilo bed… it’s really weird lying down in a shower, with a huge bandage around my backside where I had the first surgery (something like, debriding?)—I’m still not totally sure what all that was about either, but the nice Mr Templar, is going to talk to me about the whole thing, anyway, I was able to talk to Marie properly in the shower, because there are no cctv cameras in there, and I was telling her about being paranoid with the cameras in the tv lounge, and then she has reassured me that the ones in the tv lounge aren’t all cctv cameras, that they are just door sensory monitors. One thing is for sure though I’m so glad I’m at the end of that ‘nightmare’, (that would kill me if I had to go through that nightmare ever again), and God knows what the state of my writing is going to be like when I eventually read this back (if I ever do)! . . .
So, Marie changed the subject and we started having a laugh—oh God, I happened to mention the little stumpy, grumpy, nurse that I first saw when I arrived and I told her I’ve nicknamed her the poisoned dwarf, and she found it really amusing, so when I asked her to guess who I was talking about, she guessed straight away that it was another aux called Marleen, oh yes, Marleen, that was the one, the Poisoned Dwarf! She wasn’t at all surprised because apparently, she is renowned for being difficult!! Oh well, my instinct was right, and that was me on bloody morphine and I still got her angle. She is gonna to be one to look out for, and that was Marie’s advice, but she added that her barks worse than her bite—problem is, the poisoned dwarfs bite could give you rabies!!!
Mum phoned in the morning, but I was in the shower, so she left a message that she would call me later… so then I got another message, EXCELLENT news, I was hopefully going to be seeing my dear, precious friend Simon; he called as well when I was in the shower… oh my God, I hadn’t seen Simon since… . I can’t even remember, but if we both compare notes we could write some sort of best seller! I love that man, and friend, and can’t wait to see him. The message said he would be through on Wednesday, tomorrow—oh well, if Simon is true to form, that means I will probably see him a week Wednesday, and it’s always the same excuse (sorry, REASON, Simon), that he got caught up with his work—he is very consciencious you know?? Anyway, I wonder if we could go out anywhere? I could ask… maybe they wouldn’t be able to get the wheelchair in the car? Actually, I haven’t even been in a chair yet… it’s all still a whirlwind in slow motion! Oh well, my lovable, wonderful buddy, Simon, might just have to see me at my flippin bedside, because I don’t think I am allowed out of this God-damn bed, except to go on that prone trolley, and even then, that means my big fat ass is sticking up into the heavens with a strange buzzing noise coming from my vac, and NOT, my bum! Oh God, what a flippin state. When I think about Simon; I’m just sitting half up writing this, not knowing what the hell is really happening to me, I’m in a hospital with loads of people that have obviously had major accidents and one way or another none of us can walk—once I am more compos mentis I will talk to others, but at the moment apart from family and staff, I don’t really feel like making small talk and I feel a little bit ‘stir crazy’, so what the hell is he going to make of all this? Anyway, back to my unreliable Simon, who has been a welcome distraction? He was like part of the family. My goodness, it was my best mate Karen, who introduced us when she was a waitress in a hotel in Nearn, a love
ly seaside town in Scotland, where he was the chef, (we were only 17—he was 23)! Many moons ago!—I remember when I first met him, he seemed really shy and I didn’t really take much notice, except to think that he was a nice guy and good looking. I knew he was just a good mate to Karen, plus, he had a girlfriend. After a long time, I met him again when I was with Karen, and this time there was an mutual attraction and I didn’t see any evidence of a girlfriend, and it came about that after a long relationship, they had split up. After a long time, Simon surprised me by coming through to Fort George and then carried on to find me in Oban, where I was staying with an uncle. We had a chemistry, but we never pursued it and I went on to College in Edinburgh.
Well, over the years every so often we would bump into each other in Invernevis. However, we lost touch but always found out from Karen how the other was… after many, many years, I was already married by this time with 1 child, Casey, and me and Barry were moving from London to Invernevis, and Barry was commuting at the time and Casey was 2 weeks old. Well, one day, when the house that we were renovating was nearly finished, I was still unpacking and I found what I thought was an old number for Simon, but I phoned it anyway, and couldn’t believe it when it was actually Simon who answered. My God, I was so shocked and so was he, but in a nice surprised way… after catching up for about 10 mins, I asked him up for something to eat the next night, when Barry was supposed to be home, and they could meet each other. Simon was shell-shocked and said yes. So it was all planned, and then at the last minute Barry’s plane got cancelled and it was too late, Simon was still coming up. We had a great catch up and the spark had never left, and, my God it was the most ‘tingly’ feeling ever when Simon and I kissed (only a peck really), again after all that time apart. We had an amazing catch-up, and I remember I was worried about my cooking, because I was in a new kitchen and I wasn’t used to the oven, so I used the hob and just made a stroganoff, salad and garlic bread; with him being a chef I thought he would be quite ‘fussy’, but he loved it (or so he said)! Isn’t it strange the things that stick in your head and you can remember so vividly?
Anyway when Barry came home and him and Simon met, they got on great, and he became like an uncle to the kids, (Mitch was born later) best mate, apart from CJ, to Barry, and my dearest male friend, ever (Karen was my female).
Simon’s the only other male, that I have ever felt the same kind of love that I had for Barry. We might have been in love; there I’ve admitted it, but who knows, I loved Barry and the kids soo much, and maybe I was confusing ‘love’ for a friend, with the ‘love’ for a lover (which we never were and would never have been).
Well Barry and me are separated now so I can admit it to my book… I really did love him and touche, but he was our Simon, Uncle Simon to the kids and best mate to me and Barry. When I think of the good times we have had as a family and friends it makes me smile. Later on, we accepted Josie, an annoying, incessantly clingy immature (you can tell I didn’t like her very much, even if she hadn’t been with Simon I didn’t like her), woman, who couldn’t handle the closeness he had with my family, and she was so jealous, e.g. she would have a hissy fit just because he would agree with my spelling of a questionable word at scrabble!! (so petty). Jealous Josie, insecure, skinny cow. Mieow! I must stop talking about Simon… Oh but mentioning Josie—when we were leaving Scotland to move to England, Simon came over to spend his last night with us as a family all together and Josie was there too. Then when we were leaving, she was giving him a hard time, because she couldn’t understand why Simon, broke down crying and so did me and the kids… by God, we were leaving someone who was a huge part of our family, someone we all loved… he even used to come on holiday with us and we would all enjoy doing things together. During the day was ‘kiddies’ time, and we did lots of interesting and fun things, and at night when the kids were in bed, we would enjoy wine and liquors at dinner. Barry mainly cooked. Afterwards, we would play cards, board games or just chat. On one particular holiday on the Norfolk Broads, we hired a barge and him and Barry would go midnight fishing! They are good memories and what great fun we had! mmh!
I must say, it will be so strange to see him on Wednesday if he turns up, especially, now that I worked myself up into a frenzy. I say Wednesday, but no doubt, Mr Unreliable, will either not be able to manage it, because he is always so busy and he’s useless at keeping appointments and gets easily side tracked or he will forget (oh yes, his memory for dates too is bad). I feel a bit weird—I think it’s because of the thought that I am really seeing him again!) . . . I will be back, I’m sore and my ribs are being squashed by the ‘imaginary’ corset strings that are being pulled tighter than ever, and they have been painfully sore since my ‘nightmare’.
Some things are beginning to make a little bit more sense since that ‘nightmare’. My body is still aching so badly because it was the cot sides in my bed that I thought were the iron bars that I was trying so fiercely to squeeze through. My ribs are bruised and sore from when I was pulling myself up forceably to try and get out of the bed. Also, the noise of people in the ‘nightclub’, was actually the nurses chatting at the nurses station, and the ‘kidnappers’ were various members of the nursing staff, who had been tending to my care. In my hysteria, I hadn’t known that I was actually in the ward most of the time, and in fact, at some of the time, the motion I felt was me being moved to the bedspace nearest to the nurses station so that they could keep a closer eye on me. Now I know that if the screaming became to loud they would move me to the treatment room behind the nurses station and keep me supervised. I was effectively still `tripping` from the morphine OD! Then what I though were neon lights from a nightclub, were actually the lit up road signs on the dual carriageway outside the windows!! I’m stopping now. Oh God, I’m in pain—help—maybe I will sleep for a while, mmm? Have a nap… . Oh, by the way, my family did come to visit me when I was ‘tripping’, and that’s when I thought they were discussing the ransom. All the time it had only been Tony talking about my condition to the nurses! So, I think most of the ‘hallucinogenic’ experiences have been explained; but I have no idea about ‘The fresh prince of Bel Air’, and where that came from!! Even now I find in hard to look at Drew without thinking of him as this ‘kidnapper’, and the same goes for the nurse, Ann, who is actually really nice… incidentally, she does have a long face with a pointy chin, and NHS specs!
5th November
It’s really bad at the moment, I can’t seem to remember dates, never mind, it really doesn’t matter that much when your stuck in here cause one day runs into another… it’s not all bad… sometimes I wake up with a smile on my face when I have been dancing in my dream, it’s so real and fun. Before the accident my favourite pastime was ‘drinking’ (even though I shouldn’t have been), and ‘dancing’, yeah, the irony, the one thing that I didn’t used to like that much because I felt you had to be ‘bladdered’ before I could get up on the dance floor… and then, I reached the point where I could get up and dance anywhere, sober, at least, that was until they put a ‘pole’ into one of my favorite wine bars and well, I couldn’t actually compete with that, and those girls… mmh! Size 8 or not, they put me in the shade, but it was still fun though, and now… I can’t dance, and don’t know if I will again. Maybe I will walk, I don’t know, you always have to wait to see what the docs say on Monday mornings. They don’t have a magic wand, but they can say how bad the injury really is (if they know). Already I know the drill. The posse go blah, blah, blah, amongst themselves, whilst the students just nod, pretending to know what Mr Templar and Dr Didn’t are talking about.
Anyway, here I am, chomping on another flippin éclair, first thing in the morning as well. At the moment I have got such a sweet tooth, éclairs, minstrels, revels (my fav), but I’m busy making my way through, éclair, éclair, éclair. You may have noticed that someone brought me a box of éclairs!? (now you see ’em, now you don’t). Anything I seem to eat at the moment has to be
sweet, and it’s weird because I have strived to be this size 8 for so many years, and now all I seem to be doing is sabotaging my own weight!! Sweets, sweets, sweets everywhere, and then when visitors come, what do they give you… SWEETS. It’s not that I’m being ungrateful, it’s just at the moment, before breakfast this morning, I had these éclairs, but the rest of the food is really, really, really 100 million, trillion, billion times CRAP! It’s horrid, hospital food that seems to have an after taste of plastic bleach—(not that I have ever tasted plastic bleach but if I had that’s what it would taste like)! I’m sure they even inject the vending machine confectionary with their plastic bleach… our insides must be squeaky clean? Well the food, is bad and I’m complaining about it so much, maybe I should ask my mum and Amy, my sister, who are coming in later, to bring me some ‘deluxe’ meals from Markies, now that would be nice. You know I wouldn’t mind so much if I was putting on all this weight for a reason, say to travel to Orlando, Florida, to be a stand-in for Shamu the Whale, at SeaWorld. Also, it’s not just sweets I eat, it’s anything I can get, apart from the hospital meals… my God, I have never had this insatiable appetite, especially when I can’t go and walk it off, like I could in Plymund. Another irony was that I never used to like walking and I managed to get 2 bus passes for travel into Plymund and the outskirts, and usually the weather would be pretty good, especially in the summer, so I would just walk from one bus stop to the other, and it didn’t bother me if there wasn’t a bus, cause I would normally start to walk, and before I knew it I was normally home. The more I walked, the more I enjoyed it, and the weight did seem to come off. So, two things, I was doing was dancing and walking. My diet wasn’t great but not full of calories, then what did I do… yup, you guessed, ‘drank’. Even when I shouldn’t have… (another story) I will write about that again. Actually, I touched upon it earlier on in the book when I made reference to rehab and Joan. Anyway, I’ve decided, whose gonna want a cripple, fat or thin!! OH God that was an absolutely awful thing to say!! Actually I am going to work really hard at getting fit and WALK AGAIN!!!
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