One Split Second

by Gillian Crook

  We talked about age; he was 42 and I was 39, and we both had one boy and one girl. Children that we loved dearly, and ex’s that we still got on with. We had so much in common and the most important being that we both loved our kids, and each others company. After sitting out for a while, we decided to head of to bed when he was threatening to sing a Pavarotti song from the patio. Needless to say, we did make love… and then again, fell into a lovely contented sleep. I don’t mean this to sound too corny, like something out of Mills & Boon, but it was special. In the morning, yet again he was up before me, and when I did waken, I had cereal and toast on a plate and a cup of coffee sitting out on the patio for me… It was another glorious day… we sat chatting for a long time and when it was lunchtime, I had a glass of wine, then I had to go home cause I had promised Joan I would help her out for 2 hours at one of the church stalls in the market in the centre of Plymund, so I said my ‘goodbyes’, gave shadow a big make believe kiss and a hug, and Alec gave me a lift home. So far we were both excited about our new relationship. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. Alec dropped me off at the bakers in Mutley, where I lived, because Joan wanted me to get some milk and a bacon buttie for her… so, before I got out of the car he said to me that because it had been quite a boozy weekend (and a lot of other things), but not a lot of eating, he `told` me he was going to take me out for a `posh` slap up meal, and we arranged to meet at the Voodoo Lounge at 7.30 that night for aperatives, and then onto a restaurant of his choice!!! Oh, I was so excited, and happy, and I think falling for him… Great British Cabby, handsomish, kind, gentle, generous, intelligent and funny, and he had a dog thrown in as a bonus, like a gorgeous cuddly toy! Well, I was pretty damn chuffed with myself, and tonight, he was also being the chauffeur. He was driving back to mine that night so he could see where I lived; he wasn’t drinking alcohol as he was working on the Tuesday, and he didn’t drink the night before work… which even went to show that he had gumption and a sense of responsibility and common sense—and I needed that in a guy, he didn’t need to be muscley or a body builder or have a six pack—he’s a taxi driver, sitting all day, so when does he have time to get to the gym? Plus, he gets exercise by walking shadow, and shadow needs lots of walks!! So before I left to go the bakery, we had a long, lingering kiss and it was perfect. I couldn’t wait to see him that night for my surprise posh meal out! So I got the milk and butty for Joan and then we made our way off to help the church women at their stall, this was all happening because it was the last bank holiday of the year, MONDAY 25TH AUGUST 2003. (Little did I know that, that day was going to come to haunt me for the rest of my life)! After helping Joan I decided to go into Plymund to buy something to wear for that night, and I ended up in various shops, then in one shop I saw something ‘just right’, to wear. It was a little black dress with a floral shawl and a floppy summer hat to match, it was perfect for going out to dinner in this gorgeous weather. Then I tried to phone mum to tell her the good news, and I couldn’t get her… then I tried to get hold of Casey, because we tell each other everything and I couldn’t get her either, and I got Barry instead. I didn’t want to say anything to Barry. He wasn’t interested in the ‘build-up’ to what could be the start of a wonderful new relationship for me. It was true, that you just never know when you’re going to meet the right person.

  So, I still had enough time to get home to get ready, and take the longer route round by The Hoe, by the harbour. It was really busy because of the bank holiday and all the ice cream vans were out, and even the ambulances and police were milling around.

  Well, I saw a person in the distance beckoning, and when I got up close, it was Matt, a guy I had lent some money and my cassette player to. We stopped and talked for a bit, and he asked if it was going to be ok to give me what he owed me later on in the week, and, oh yes, that was fine by me, I was in a good mood and nothing was a problem—the sun was out and the atmosphere was great. Mike had been in Seaview, the rehab for drug addiction, but had been clean for a while. I had only stopped for about 10 minutes, and was about to leave. In the distance there were a bunch of guys making a lot of noise and coming in our direction. Michael was from Manchester, and as these guys got closer it became apparent that they were from Manchester as well. Oh no, a bunch of loud Manchunians. They were really pally, and started having a laugh with mike, and then they got out their stellas. By Christ they had about 40 cans. I wasn’t even asked, I was just handed a can opened for me. I took a few sips and went to give it back and leave the ‘boys to be boys’, but they were persistent that I stay, so I thought ‘what harm could 15 mins do, I still had plenty of time to get back and get ready for tonight?’, so I decided to do a spot of sunbathing, whilst, they all did a spot of ‘male bonding’, and competing to see who could be the loudest.! Eventually they decided to play footie, and trust me, their egos were the size of Manchester, and winning was the name of the game. After playing a bit of footie, they decided on something different and then because they were all hot and sweaty, and not in a turn-on kind of way, they decided to go diving. Now, this time, they wanted me to join in, and I said ‘no chance in hell’. By god, these guys were annoying, and in the end I submitted, and, only because I wanted to shut them up, agreed to go for ONE dive, and that was it! So I downed my Stella and it gave me that ‘kick’ of confidence I needed to beat these annoying guys. So we made our way further down the hill to get to the diving area. It was a man-made inlet, with sea water flowing into it, and the diving slabs were built into the rockface… oh fuck, it didn’t look so safe to me but, I couldn’t lose face now by copping out. So, I gave my bag, jean jacket, hat and my new outfit in its ‘River Island’ bag, for Michael to keep for me till I ‘competed’ in the stupid damn dive. Well the 6 of us started our ascent to the highest diving slab, and by god, not only did the slabs look rather small, it did seem rather a long way up so it must have been a bloody long way down. Even a couple of the guys chickened out. So, in the end, four of us were left to dive. By this time, quite a few people had gathered below, obviously wondering what the hell we were doing, hey, there was no pressure there then! Oh, God I was starting to get a bad feeling about this dive. So, first guy, he went, after a few minutes, the second guy bailed out saying ‘no fucking chance’, then it was me… . the guy before unnerved me… I tried to get my posture right whilst trying not to look down. I curled my toes around the slab, got up on my ‘tip toes’, and then just as I was about to take my dive, concentrating intensely, arms outstretched at the same time, about to go… I heard someone shout JIL-LI-AN-NA! It only took,

  1

  SPLIT

  SECOND

  for me to lose my concentration… . my body lunged forward as my feet left the cliff… . I was speeding through the air… it was happening so fast… . I was helplessly in trouble… . I was gonna die… my last recollection was me screaming ‘OH SHIT’ . . . I blacked out!!!!??

  The really, really, sad thing about what happened after my accident was that, Alec probably thought I ‘stood him up’ and, my God, I would never have done that, and I lost my phone with all my numbers on it, and that was my only way of contacting Alec; I knew he would have tried to phone mine and it would have went straight to answer phone AND nobody on my side had met Alec and only Joan knew of him, to even let him know what had happened, and none of his friends knew me properly or where I lived!! How cruel life can be… . I was really happy with Alec, and the cruel hurtful thing, was that I really think we would have had a future, and it felt like he was taken away from me like a wicked death… .

  Alec, no doubt even saw the heading on the full front page of the local Plymund Newspaper with the words ‘GIRL TAKES NEAR-FATAL PLUNGE OFF ROCKS AT 40 FT’

  He would never have known that that girl was ME!!

  Its so-so, sad reading this part of my story, because it really makes my heart feel very, VERY, heavy and I don’t often cry, but I do, when I stop to think for too long what happened, be
cause I do miss them, even, though I only knew them for those few days, I say ‘them’ because I mean ‘Shadow’ as well. I think Alec could have been my ‘last chance’ for true love… que sera sera, whatever will be will be, in the words of the great song… I will just have to wait to see what happens now, because, my destiny is in the ‘lap of the Gods’!!!

  Now, when everyone thinks I am so bubbly and I have ‘taken the accident so well’, they have no idea how I ‘pang’ for Alec when I think about what could have been a ‘very different’ life for me with him and shadow… there is a saying ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’, well, why the hell didn’t fate just let me die, I’ve lost enough? . . . . I wonder that sometimes… .

  Part Three

  Well, well, since my last piece of writing, things can seem quite sad when you reminisce, but I suppose that, if at the time, it was good memories, that even maybe ended badly or sadly, it is sometimes good to look back. I wish there was an in-between, a middle of the road… instead of just good, or just bad… I tend to take things to extremes, e.g. I was so, so happy with Alec and Shadow and that was a time in my life I loved and enjoyed… only for it to be so cruelly taken away from me, but then, when things are ‘bad’ for me, they are really bad, like when I ‘have a drink’ and drink to excess, which has become an addiction. I took that to the extreme and ended up losing almost everything that was precious to me, including my family, but I was lucky that they stuck by me through everything, even though at times, my life had reached such gutter levels, I’m surprised I ever got through them; it was also the debris, I left behind and when my life was hanging on the balance, due to drink, everyone that loved or cared for me was going through the hell to a certain extent as well. When it comes to unconditional love, my children are the epitome of that love. That’s the examples of things going from one ‘good’ end of the spectrum to the ‘bad’. I would be happy with middle-of the-road; I have no elusions of grandeur, and I also, don’t want my life to be an unadulterated mess… just, happiness would be great, happiness in being content…

  Well, yesterday, Irene, the dour nurse, took things too seriously and went to the ward nurse and complained that the menus had been sabotaged, boo hoo, and, then because, in the morning I had complained to her that she hadn’t washed my hair, and that was patient neglect… she took that to the ward nurse and said she felt that she had been neglecting a patient, thinking I was going to complain, and got there first… silly cow. I was only winding her up… . if she had read her notes, she would have seen that because of my stitches, I was only supposed to have my hair washed once a week! Oh dear, she took that too far, and ended up shooting herself in the foot. Now they have moved her to another ward where they hope she will be able to cope with less patients… oh dear, it was only a joke, and a shame she didn’t have a sense of humour! I feel quite bad about it now… . especially as, before she left she came and apologised… bless!

  Anyway, the irony was, I was informed from the staff nurse that tomorrow I will be moving to another rehab unit. Now, that’s good news, they think I am ready to start dealing with a few harder things, other than just pulling a few weights, although, I’m not sure what else I can really do, stuck in this bed. They also think I am mentally stronger… so instead of ‘hallucigenic’ it’s ‘hallelujah’, so m aybe I’m not really losing my marbles. I am in so much pain and sore, and have that dreaded tight ‘corset’ effect. I really need stronger painkillers, but I don’t want stronger meds if I start hallucinating again, because I couldn’t go through anything like that hell again… ever!

  I hope my book is not becoming too pessimistic or boring, because I know I can be cynical, and I’m worried that my cynicism has increased tenfold since my accident, but it is early days and in the words of the song `Things Can only get better?` . . . sing-along now!!

  Oh, just for the record, I did see the lovely MR MACKENZIE, and true to form, he apologised profusely for promising me this and promising me that and not keeping to his promises blah, blah… . I stopped him there… and I told him that I wasn’t disappointed when he didn’t turn up because, . . . I was expecting a disappointment, and if I hadn’t been disappointed, . . . I would have been disappointed… comprende?!! . . . Keep up!! Anyway, at least I did realise that I had in the past had feelings for him, and I’m comfortable with that, rather than me thinking it was anything deeper, to be honest, I was thinking I would have immediately thought I loved him, because I thought I did—oh God, this book is starting to make no sense at all!) . . . because what would it be like for him if he thought that I fancied him? Then… he would have to think about how to make love to a cripple that couldn’t use her legs… sorry, but for me I prefer not to have those type of feelings anymore… in fact, the last time I had those deep loving feelings and love-making was wonderful, was the last few days I spent with Alec—he was loving and gentle and kind and sincere, and I want to remember that memory, rather than try to think of me being with anyone now in a awkward, embarrasing, sexual manner… in fact, FEELINGS per say, are going to be a problem, because when I start to feel certain things now, that wouldn’t have been a problem before the accident, it is easier for the moment that FEELINGS are off the radar, except for the love I have for my children which is a special love and I am now going to have to be content with that love, and that will not be hard, because for me that is the greatest love of all, and the thought of ‘falling in love’ now is never going to happen again. And I have resigned myself to that fact. So, in a nutshell, the lovely Mr Mackenzie has no worries from that point of view… . anyway, my old buddy was rushing to get down to Carlisle and had to go… but, we did have a good catch up and he left with the promise that he would definately phone and he would be in to see me very soon, on his way back from Carlisle… yeah ok Simon, whatever you say mate… promises, promises!! Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, my Casey phoned, and when I told her that Simon had just left… there was a silence from the line, and then she said very seriously ‘mum, do you love him?’ I couldn’t believe it because before Simon’s visit I thought I did; so there was a telepathy thing going on there. It’s happened before with me and Casey. Anyway I answered her honestly and said ‘I thought I did’ and ‘yes’ she was right to a point, but then I explained the situation to her. So we got talking for quite a while and I mentioned about my ‘feelings’, and she said just to ‘switch off’ certain feelings that are too hard to deal with at the moment, like worrying about other people, worrying about sex! and to just concentrate on putting all my energy into getting better and stronger and my rehab. My God, I love that girl, and she knows me so well… after we said our ‘long’ goodbyes when neither one of us wants to put the phone down first!

  Then I had to put the phone down first as there was a call for me on the the other line. When I eventually got the other phone, the person at the other end had gone, and that’s what irritates me about these damn phones. I wish I had that flippin mobile phone that I had been promised. Then, two of the nurses came to the bed and said they had been instructed by the physio that I should be sitting up at a 45 degree angle. Well, they were pulling me up one way, pushing me down another, lifting me up again, shuffling me from side to side, and basically getting nowhere. I was in total agony and then, there was a huge dispute as to the position of a 45 degree angle… . get a friggin grip! Eventually, I was saved by the bell when the phone went again and this time it was the last caller that was on the line, oh yes, the one who put the phone down after me struggling to get to it. Anyway, I was not happy and when I picked up the phone it was mum. I was soo crabby to mum and started to complain and moan, and get on to her for putting the phone down. I vented all my frustration in her direction, because I knew that she would take it and she was the first one to shout at! Oh God, I didn’t mean to hurt mum. As usual, she understood and quickly changed the subject away from my injuries and my discomfort and turned the conversation round. I think I was also stil
l a bit frustrated about Simon, for some reason, and about actually feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable when he was here, so, at the end of the conversation we were fine and mum had cheered me up and we said ‘bye love you’. In the end I felt horrible and really, really, really sorry, so sorry mum. I will call her tomorrow and apologise properly. OH God, I hate myself now and I feel like a big FAT, FAT, PIG, PIG, and I’m going to write it all down so I can see for future reference what the pig has had to eat for 2 days;

  READY, GO; 1 bowl of rice crispies, 1 bowl of 2 weetabix, half a pint of milk, 3 cups of tea with milk, carton of orange juice, white roll, flora, marmalade, 1 spring roll, 2 jellies, 8 chocolate éclairs, scotch piesaladpots, 2 cream crackers and cheese, 1 scone and apricot jam 4 more éclairs!!!

  So, as for the ‘Shamu Syndrome’ (the whale), and that stand-in, or should I say swim-in, position I was after… . they will now refuse me for the part on the grounds that I AM TOO FAT!!

  Here’s the irony, I have been told that I have to start putting on weight, or no, not necessarily put on weight, but I have been told, that because of the wound I need to eat to nourish the body, and when the body is nourished, the healthier my insides, and the healthy eating helps the wounded tissue to heal. So, if I HAVE to nourish my body, I need to get my jaws wired or a gastric band fitted, and not eat, just use a liquid meal supplement that could be administered through a drip, like the patients who can’t feed themselves. It’s not the dietician I need to see, it’s the plastic surgeon!! Or someone like that!! Yeah, the body could do with a make-over as well!! Actually, if I do lose weight and get lighter it might help me walk sooner or even get into my wheelchair easier… . they have said CATEGORICALLY, NO TO THE WHEELCHAIR FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE!