God, please please look after all the people I love, and make mum see that I didn’t mean to be such a crabby cow on the phone… and please help me to lose weight, but eat more to heal the wound. I’m talking to the right person for a miracle, I’m sure you don’t mind my ‘cheeky’ humour, do you God? Also, can you look after and say sorry to all the people I have pissed off in the last 2 months… . sorry, I know that’s a lot to ask, nite nite to everyone, and as usual my beautiful kids, and forgive Simon for constantly lying to make me feel better.
Friday 7th November
Another day, another dollar… I wish… actually I have not got one clue about my finances, but whatever they are, they are going to have to wait, because I am somewhat pre-occupied with other things to worry about. Well, I have just woken up and I feel, fat, bloated, and I thought fish didn’t sleep, I’m sure I read that somewhere and I now have not only got the ‘Shamu Syndrome’, I now have the ‘beached whale’ syndrome to deal with as well. I wasn’t going to eat and I did; my pills and food seem to want to make me eat more and then I eat and eat and eat and can’t stop and I even eat the hospital food that I hate… oh God it’s really bad, . . . at the moment I feel sluggish, bloated, lethargic, pissed off, sore, swollen, numb, useless and I really need stronger painkillers to SEDATE me until the soreness goes away and the wound on my bum is healed… Although if that happened, I think, I would be sedated for a long, long time!!!
I really feel a liquid diet coming on, and not the kind I’m used to. Things are getting so serious for me… last night, I finished all my sweets DELIBERATELY—I HASTEN TO ADD, so that they would all be finished, and I wouldn’t be able to eat them today, but trust me, the first visitor will no doubt bring in a load of sweets, and if they don’t I will ‘crave’ sweets and just have to go to the vending machine… oh god, where’s the logic in that—eat all my sweets THE NIGHT BEFORE and finish the WHOLE pack, ENJOY, then they are finished, so that I CANNOT eat them TODAY! But, I can get hold of sweets the next day if I really want… . Yeah, if I really believed my little ‘theory’ was going to work, then I think the docs seriously have to re-examine the damage to my head!!!
I know what to do, I am going to have to ask them, SERIOUSLY, to put me on a ‘liquid diet’, . . . one that gives you all the correct amount of calories and vitamins in it that I need to heal my bum. I will ask the nurse to speak to the ‘powers that be’ to put the liquid diet into effect, and sanctioned by my ‘good self’ . . . well why not, I never get to see the damn dietician… you know, they really don’t know that I am serious… in fact I’m so serious, I really do have to do it for my state of mind, cause HEALTHY IN BODY AND HEALTHY IN MIND—well, mentally I have to be in tune, and when I was younger, I missed out in part of my college course year to go into hospital because of anorexia and bulimia (another story), so I have always had issues around food, and to be honest, I don’t think these issues EVER go away!!!
The thing is, everyone moans about weight going on to their bums, but surely there can’t be any weight going on, on mine, because it is so so so squashed, there is no room for expansion. It will be going on my tummy and thighs, and I must make sure my ‘pins’, don’t look too fat, because they have to be in shape for when I WALK AGAIN!!
It’s a boring day, but it’s also a state of mind, I have to remember my POSITIVE, MENTAL, ATTITUDE!! I need to breathe, that’s Positive; Take a look inside my head and that’s Mental; and boy, oh boy, can I give Attitude, or what—plenty PMA!
You know, Paula called today regarding the housing situation, and I really don’t think I want to go to the Fort?! . . . also, today Mr Templar and Dr Didn’t, came round just to have a general ‘off the cuff’ visit, and as usual never gave me anything positive… still, I don’t know which parts of me are paralysed, but I don’t care (not true), . . . I will carry on trying to wiggle those toes!
Barry phoned and we had a chat and he told me that the kiddies are away tonight, so I said it was good for them to have a night off. They have been so resilient and courageous through this, the entire time, if it hadn’t been for the kids, I think I would have ‘thrown in the towel’ a long time ago, and when I get down, I just have to think of the kids and I realise anything is worth going through, because I ‘owe’ it to them and they have ‘faith’ in me. On the last visit I caught Mike tapping his fingers up and down my legs, and when I asked him what he was doing he said, he was trying to see if I felt it!! oh, bless, I love those babes soo much… I know I say it all the time, but they really do take unconditional love to the absolute ‘epitome’ . . . after all the things that I have put the children through over the years with my drinking and rehabs and failing time and time again… I know they have been hurt soo much… but they have never stopped loving me, and have just kept hoping that things would get better for me… I have their dad to thank for so much, because he’s the one whose been with the kiddies through all of this, and he has never once turned them against me, and to be fair, I don’t think he has vented, his frustrations and anger out around the children. I just love them so much and love and respect Barry as a superb dad and person… there you go, I said thanks Barry and you are a trooper and we have two little soldiers!!!
I thought a bit about Simon, but when I was talking about ‘feelings’ before… I really believe that not only was part of my body numbed in the accident, I firmly believe some of my senses were as well, and it’s just ‘survival instincts’ that have kicked in. In a way, this accident and injury have absolutely and totally taken over my life, and I would never want anyone to have to go through what I am going through now!! In fact, I am being very profound, but in a way, I respect all the other patients in this spinal unit, because we are all scared and having to face up to huge changes in our lives, and in a way we have a kind of unspoken ‘solidarity’ of togetherness… all with different injuries and stories to tell, but one thing in common, our paralysis!!
The other thing on a lighter note, I have resigned myself to the fact that I am gonna end up a ‘sexless’, ‘sad’, ‘stumpy old spinster’! Well, how does that sound? . . . Can you recognise that as me??? And that was supposed to be a lighter note??? Do you know, my kids would NEVER let that happen to their mum, and all my nephews and nieces wouldn’t either… they would bloomin well have me shot if that’s what they thought was gonna happen to me… they love their ‘crazy’, ‘trendy’, ‘mixed-up’ aunt!! Paralysed or not, they will have me doing whacky things soon enough, I can count on that!!! Love `em all!!
Well another day has come to an end and well, I suppose it wasn’t that bad after all, I did enjoy seeing Simon, to a point, but I did feel awkward (mainly for him, having to see me like that i.e. in hospital, disabled) which made me feel uneasy; so I have came to the conclusion that there are certain ‘feelings’ that my mind and body have definitely put ‘on hold’, at this stage, and, the other thing is that, do I have to accept that I no longer do see myself as ‘desirable’? Ah, well, at the moment, YES, but, things can change and people can change—we’ll see!!
I hope I have nice dreams tonight… I enjoy the dreams where I am with my children or dancing or walking… You would think that they would depress me or make me feel sad, when I wake up, . . . but it is a lovely thing to dream that I am doing these things and I just think and hope, and pray hard, before I go to sleep, . . . . and… . WONDER??!!
Sunday 8th November
Oh dear, not off to a good start this morning, yet another day, woken up abruptly by bright lights being switched on and I think, ‘why, oh why me?’ They should have STALAG 4, PHILLIPSTOLL WARD on the door outside!
In order to ‘go to the toilet’, properly, (you know what I mean, no2s and all that?), the nurse (even if it’s a male nurse), has to put 2 tablets ‘into’ my arse, and leave it for me to, what they sometimes call ‘evacuate’ or ‘clear out’,—oh god, just thinking about it makes me feel sick!—What is my life coming to? Then they have a ‘chec
k’, where, I’ve been told they have to put a finger into your ‘arsehole’ and wiggle it around, to make sure I’ve ‘evacuated’ properly, and they then clean me up, and take the No.2s, ‘bowel movement’—very posh!—away. Then they get the ‘hoist’ which is a horrible steel apparatus, that has thick canvas-type tent material, cut out to take all shapes and sizes, that they lie you on, connect the edges to loops on the hoist, then you have to hang there like a ‘flippin kipper’ (albeit a bloody huge kipper), until a lever is used to lift you up automatically, then they position it, and let you down, gently, and when you land on the lilo, they take all the attachments and the canvas off, and hey presto, ‘the kipper has landed’, and you’re on the lilo ready to go for a proper shower! Even though, I know I sometimes, complain a lot, apart from the hoist not being very dignified, especially when your legs are spread so wide apart but, it really does gets the job done… . !!
After all that palaver, it is so great to have that clean feeling, once I have had a good shower and bubble wash, and I do appreciate any help I can get when it comes to my personal hygiene, although at the beginning, I don’t think I would have even know or cared if I was lying in my own faeces or pig shit… how disgusting is that?! Actually, I’ve noticed that all sense of ‘decorum’ has gone out the window at the moment—I’m letting male nurses clean up my ‘nether regions’ and see me ‘dirty’(shitty) and witness my `huge naked ugly body, in all its glory!! Oh, no, the thought just makes me cringe, and I just want to be swallowed up ‘whole’ by my own ‘relative’ the largest BLUE WHALE!!!!`
You know, I’m pretty frustrated today; I’m not able to do anything for myself, like after the shower I just had? There is no way on this earth or anyone’s wildest dreams, that I could have done that by myself? I’m worried about my paralysed body at the moment; I say paralysed body—because I haven’t had it confirmed yet whether it’s just my feet, knees down, thighs down, or God forbid, waist down, that I am paralysed from!!! I hate to think about it, so I ‘blot it out’ . . . I just pray that this paralysis is just temporary, and I think psychologically, that’s why I really don’t press for an answer because I’m scared, so I try, in the meantime to, ‘put on a front and brave face’ that I feel great and I’m not phased about things at all. As I said, it IS because I really DON’T want to know the truth, in case it’s totally bad news that I won’t walk. I know in Derry, they healed a lot of my injuries, like my head and jaw, fingers and ribs and I was allowed time for the broken back to heal, but in doing so, I had to remain flat, and be turned regularly. At the time I didn’t realise that was what they were turning me for. Well, there was a problem because I was not turned sufficiently in the 7-8 weeks that it took to heal my back, and it has resulted in, what Mr Templar, has told me, is a very large and nasty ‘pressure sore’, and that is what the wound on my sacral area is. That’s what my surgeon is dealing with—and I know that it’s a particularly nasty wound, AS WELL AS, the other injuries like the punctured lung, where, they’ve had to put in, what they call, ‘drains’ from my underarms to my waist, for all the excess blood to flow down… (I think that’s what they do), but one thing I do know—ALL of my body is in pain and sore, Surely, if I can feel such a huge amount of pain, that’s a good sign, Right??!! Anyway, I think I’m also frustrated, because I was so full of energy before, and now I don’t feel strong enough to sometimes have visitors, and that’s mad, because, I ‘should’ be missing my friends that were so special to me in Plymund, but what I have to keep remembering is that: I NEARLY BLOODY DIED, FOR GOD SAKE—MAYBE, NEVER HAVE SEEN MY CHILDREN AGAIN!!!! KEEP REMEMBERING THAT MY LIFE IN PLYMUND (before I met Alec), WAS A TOTAL SHAM, ANYWAY!! I RAN WITH THE BEST, WORST, MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD, CRAZIES, ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, DRUGGIES, INTELLECTUALS, DRUNKS… YOU NAME IT I WAS THERE!! . . . .
My life now, is trying to make sense of my whole sorry existence, the reasons for and why the course of events that took place did? AND will I ever know or what would have been, if I had done this or that, differently, or what’s in the future… . that’s a lot of ‘?’s!!!
Too profound! . . . . Let’s think??? Bang, knock, clatter, kerplunk!!(That’s the noise in my head thinking) I wonder if it’s true what they say, LIFE BEGINS AT 40!!
If that’s right I am gonna have a massive party, because I will have gone and surprised, all my doubting Thomas’s and docs, who said I wouldn’t make it to 40, I suppose, with good reason, at the time, and ask them if they want to celebrate my last 40 years with me since, according to them I wouldn’t but I have MADE IT! I’m not going to get morose because at the moment, I’ve got too much else going on to think ‘what if’? . . . It’s the ‘here and now’ I am more interested in, and embracing all the ‘good things’ that happened in the last 40 years!? . . . like celebrating the two happiest times, which were when I was pregnant with Casey and Mitch, and when they were born, and (apart from the rehabs)!! watch, care for, love and see them grow up! Now, even if I have to celebrate it in the hospital, I will, and it will be a worthwhile celebration for the above reasons alone. Actually, January is quite a while away to think about that. And by the way, there are loads and loads of great memories, because I have a superb mum and dad, and they never failed ‘us’ kids, EVER!! Also, ‘us’, is 7 girls and one boy, me, being the youngest (another book!).
You must be wondering by now why I put, (another book) sometimes; well, its because that particular ‘mention’ of ‘something’, is too long at the time to explain, and if I did take the time to explain it, it would deviate from that particular topic at the time. (I hope that makes sense?) And then my ‘Ronnie Corbett Syndrome’ would come into play ‘tenfold’.
Actually, I was reading an article today about someone who had been saying they had been through ‘absolute hell’, and is no longer ‘cynical whatsoever, and that he feels free to let himself get ‘excited’ and look forward to things and learning to cope with the ‘let downs’, as they make him stronger as a person! Maybe, I should try that ‘rationale’, but disappointments have been so prevalent in my life! Typical, talking about disappointments, I’ve just received a message from one of the nurses that mum has phoned and left a message that ‘Tony was going to be taking mum down tomorrow, but that he can’t do it now, something to do with the shop’, oh well, at least they did let me know. Mum couldn’t get through on the patient line, so she had to leave a message at the nurse’s station!! I won’t complain, cause mum does make it through when she can. The patient line obviously became free shortly after mum phoned, because they took the phone down to me and it was Casey. We had a long, long conversation, and then she told me she was starting her ‘mock’ GCSE`s on 1st December, then the ‘real exams’ before summer… . Then, next year it is her ‘A’ levels??? My God, then what? She was talking about maybe Uni in Scotland. I told her to concentrate on the exams she is doing at the moment, because they are the important ones just now! Listen to mother?? You know, her ‘15’ seems much more sensible than my ‘15’ ever was. I would love to think I can take some credit for the way my lovely children, little minxes, are growing up, but Brian had been left ‘holding the babies’, a lot, when I have been trying to deal with my drink addiction, and I will always respect him for that. One thing I can now teach them is how to be ‘streetwise’, because Casey is so naive and that worries me!
Well, I’m about to watch Four Wedding and a Funeral, and you’re supposed to keep your sweeties to enjoy eating ‘through` the film, well, I have just gone and scoffed a HUGE Kit Kat!!!! Fat Bag, ‘Shamu syndrome’ coming on again. So, all I can do now is, just watch, the film and don’t eat anything and tomorrow I am only going to, DRINK WATER AND EXERCISE (even if I have to do them in the bed)! I WILL NOT EAT CHOCOLATE TOMORROW!! One of the nurses came out with a saying the other night and I absolutely HATE it, because I always think of it, AFTER, I’ve eaten chocolate or sweets—ONCE ON THE LIPS, FOREVER ON THE HIPS!!! I hate that saying, and the worst thing is, is it was probably concocted
up by some skinny, couch potato, who could eat all the chocolate and sweets things she wanted without putting on an ‘eeny weeny smidgen’ of weight and whose favourite holiday is Easter, AAH! (Easter Eggs mean chocolate heaven).
Do you know, I feel like a ‘bouncy castle’ that kids have been jumping and bouncing on, all day, and now have left me in excruitating pain! Please let the soreness and numbness go away soon, and as winter draws ‘nigh’ and the nights get longer, please please tell me, people don’t want ‘bouncy castles’ in winter… DO THEY????
Sunday 9th November
I wake up every morning, obviously glad to be where I went to sleep, because I still can’t help remembering those horrific hallucinations I used to get and that awful panic and realisation when I still woke up in the nightmare… . actually, when I dozed off the other day I slipped back into the ‘hysteria’, and it was soo frightening. I don’t think I will ever forget those unbelievably scary dreams and how real they were… hopefully, time will be a healer… (just one other thing to add to the ‘need to heal’ list)??
One Split Second Page 12
