The nurse then came round to change my dressing, and Angela asked if she could have a look. I think she got a bit of a shock—I haven’t seen it yet but from Angela reaction, it must be quite bad. You could tell from her face. Angela is not even that squemish. She reiterated what she said before that if Derriford were responsible for letting a wound get that infected then something should be done. Well, Lawrie stepped in then, and said that he thought it was time that they were going. So Angela, went into her bag, and gave me some ‘lovely and yummy, REAL’, sandwiches that they had got from Markies, and she took out a nice prawn salad, for them to put in the fridge for me for later. Now, THAT was thoughtful! I forgot to mention, that Angela forgot to switch her mobile phone off, and answered it, and it was Maclean, so we all spoke to him without the nurse’s knowledge, ( tut tut, how bad is that!! Naughty!!) Well, we were’nt arrested for an ‘offending and dangerous ringing mobile phone’ and Lawrie and Angela said ‘bye, take care’ and that they would call in on their way back. I said for them all (Ann and Sandy as well), to have a nice time. I really did mean it, even though I’m so fucking jealous and frustrated, I really wish it was me going on holiday, (with the kids of course… . actually, I would just settle for getting out of here)!
The staff nurse wanted to speak to me about my ‘bowels’. Great! Apparently the nurse that was on in the morning had forgotten that it was a bowel day and hadn’t inserted the suppositories. I explained that I was not used to this at all, and I hated it so no use expecting me to have any routine sorted out… I couldn’t even get out of the damn bed, so at the moment nothing seemed to be in a routine, let alone something that is entirely alien to me… who would think that one day you can sit on a toilet pan, and the next, your having tablets stuck up you back passage and having faeces cleaned up from my bed… faeces that I have had to lie in (admittedly with pads underneath me, but still)! She explained that they had to get my body ‘used’ to a bowel regime (whatever that is)?, and then as if she read my mind, she said it was essential, because, the regime is to get the bowels opening and shutting in ‘rhythm’ and get ‘used’ to a routine that will come in time! Oh God, I can’t remember but it’s something like that. I’m sure the family doesn’t think about these things when they think about my injury. Why should they want to know if I can ‘pee’ and ‘go to the toilet’! Yuk! If I were them I would want to dismiss those type of questions.
Later on Casey phoned and I told her that Angela and Lawrie had been in to see me, and what they had brought, and when they went etc… She loves to know that I’m not just lying in a bed in a hospital with no visitors. Bless! She was staying the night with her mate Rachel. I love it when she tells me that she’s having fun. She also went on to tell me that Dad, Shonah and Jamie had gone to London to see Lindy, (Barry’s ex engaged girlfriend, who also spoke on behalf of the Crook family at our wedding—that Lindy), u know, I felt an ‘angry/green-eyed monster’ pang, and thought, what the hell is it with Shonah, she’s really got her claws into Barry; although I know we are ‘separated’, when he is introducing her to our special friend, it proved that our split was definitely final, and it felt weird? mmh? Then it made me reflect on something Angela had said about the ‘divorce’, and it got me thinking that maybe the time is right for us to make the separation legal.
Ooh, what a lovely day… was it? I’m niggled about something!!
Monday 24th November
Iv’e realised that I haven’t been putting dates on my writing at the moment. (just thought I would mention that, it’s not a diary as such, but it helps keep me right (and you!).
I woke up so, so sore again, I thought my body had seized up on me! I mentioned this to the Doc and he said he would make sure I saw the witch doctor to see if he can mix me up a stronger potion for pain relief, and meantime he would look for something to help hopefully before lunch. I don’t know which doctor was on, in the posse this morning, but where Dr Didn’t didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, the other doctor did; he seemed to help find some pain relief with immediate effect after the docs round. Mr Templar is back this week, and Dr Didn’t was on holiday. I wanted to see Mr Templar but he wasn’t with them, so Tracey, the staff nurse, said she was going speak to Mr Templar on my behalf. I wanted to see him, but I left it for the time being because he is probably catching up on everything, so I hope he’s not too busy to speak to me later; I really want to find out how we are progressing with this pressure sore.
I was gonna go round to the gym once my dressing had been done, when one of the nurses brought the phone for me. It was Casey, she was off school because there was ‘teachers training’. Anyway, she had a wonderful announcement to make—I am gonna make sure I get this down before I have to go to the gym. So, before I do, my cheery tone is blighted with sarcasm!
She didnt want to tell me last night, but whilst her friend Rachel had just gone out for 15 minutes with her mum, she asked if she could use the phone to phone me. WELL, Barry has gone to london for Lindy’s, (Barrys ex fiance and best female friend, who incidentally, did the speech on behalf of Barry’s family at our wedding. I know, weird) . . . 50th Birthday Party AND they have asked her to be little Jamies’ God-Mother (ok), but wait for it… and CJ, Barry’s best mate and best-man at our wedding), to be his GOD-FATHER!! Talk about fucking with Casey’s head (sorry bout the swearing but there is bound to be more and all will become clear ). She loves having CJ as her god-father, because he is dad’s best friend and it means a lot to her. At the moment she was just (under duress), getting used to the idea of having Jamie as her half-brother, AND now she has to share her god-father and her dad with him. She felt there was a special bond between her dad and god-father and her, and now it’s changed all that. Barry can be so thick sometimes!! What a prick. Actually, it is starting to piss me off; is Shonah so unpopular that she had no friends or family that she can ask!? Casey is really annoyed, hurt and angry and I don’t blame her. I am gonna tell Barry what an insensitive bastard he is. Well, I actually txtd Barry to let him know that I’m aware of his ‘plans’ for Jamies’ god-parents. He’s gonna hate me for interfering and I don’t care… Well, I just had a call from Barry, and I expected him to be ‘ranting’, but he was unusually calm, but, still defensive, and couldn’t understand why I was so angry, because (and then, very condescendingly as if to make me feel guilty, and missing the whole point of why I was angry, which was because of his choice of god-parents), he proceeded to say that they (him and Shonah), had put all christening plans on hold because, wait for it,. THE ACCIDENT… fuck me, remind me to be eternally grateful; he had put the date of the christening back out of respect for what had happened to me… Jesus, I DIDN’T BLOODY DIE! I was speechless. He then said he didn’t want to talk about it at the moment, and he hadn’t realised that Casey felt the way she did, aah! The bugger… he thinks he can do something like this and get out of it by acting so ‘innocent’, . . . yeah! He knows fine. He is just doing anything that Shonah wants. I may sound like a bitter, hard-done-by, angry wife, but I’m not! . . . . one things for sure… . when I’m out of this hospital, I am taking the kids away from him and Shonah, and he can have the happy ‘home-made family’, that Shonah wanted! I actually like Shonah, believe it or not, but the word niggling me at the back of my mind is ‘manipulative’! To be fair, she was there, when I was unable to be, due to the damn drink addiction, so if it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else. I brought this on myself, and god, I feel so useless here in hospital, but when I get out of here, I’m gonna have the kids with me and I’m going to make them soo proud!
Enough on that today, it’s actually wound me up too much… .
Well, what a day… my body is in so much pain. I’m sure ‘stress’ makes it worse. I went on the prone trolley about 11, so that after lunch I could go into the cage. I haven’t been doing my excercises in a proper disciplined fashion or routine. I’ve noticed that on a Monday, after not being in the gym (because they shut it a
t 3.30 pm on a Friday and don’t open it until Monday morning), my body and bones ache so much, worse than any other day.
I mentioned this to Graham, one of the guys who has been a patient here longer than me, in fact he is a T7 thorasic 7, paralysed from ribs down as well. His accident happened when he was on his honeymoon with his wife in the Caribbean. Him and his wife, Flora, after a meal out decided to go for a swim (not a drunken dip), and Graham dived into the floodlit pool first, and hadn’t realised that it was the shallow part, and as he landed, smashed his head on the bottom, twisted his neck, and broke his spine. It could have been tragic, but he was revived and, well, he is now a patient here, thankfully, there was no brain damage. Susie comes in everyday from Ayr and brings him his own meals. They are both only 24. He gets agitated and has open displays of angry frustration… life really can be a fuckin, rotten bitch!
So, it was Graham who told me, that because you don’t get into the gym at the weekend, it’s the lack of exercise that causes the bones to ‘seize up and become stiffer’, well, he ain’t kidding! ouch! sore, sore, sore!
The more I am on the prone trolley, the more I get used to it, and if I manage to get into a comfortable position, I can actually go quite fast (well walking pace). When I stop, I can pull myself up from the neck, resting my hands under my chin and elbows on the trolley, and I can stay like for quite a while and ‘talk’ to other people, and even eat on it! Progress if ever I saw it, don’t you think?!!
I even managed to get into the gym in the afternoon and go round, with Roddy’s help, in my bed, to work on my ‘upper body’ with the weights in the cage. Maybe, I should get angry more often (NOT!) before going to the gym, because I really ‘threw’ myself into my exercises today, and actually got all thoughts of Barrys’ arrogance out of my head.
Well, tonight I thought I would txt a few people that I haven’t heard from in a while… my God, Plymund seems a million miles away from here now. I txtd Joan, Alfie, Jake and Jerry, and a girl I knew who was a friend to me and Pete, (I know… why anyone who knows Pete?)—curiosity killed the cat? Heard back from Alfie which was nice, she’s doing voluntary work and is still ‘clean’ from drugs. Joan was sorry that she hadn’t kept in touch, but I understood, because when I left she was in a very depressed state and was being helped by the people in her church, anyway, she was telling me that she is on the mend, and one day she will get up to see me, if I don’t get down there first… I wish? Also Jerry and Jake, both replied saying they love and miss me and to keep in touch… mmh, nice! On second thoughts… maybe not!! Just think of that song, ‘underneath the arches’, real… Eastenders!
My ribs are really hurting tonight and so are my elbows! That’s from the prone trolley when I’m pulling myself up and putting pressure on my rib cage and ‘scuffy’ elbows! Do you know, tonight I am just thinking, about what happened with Barry today, and it has really given me an ‘incentive’ to get healthy and in shape. I think it’s because the ‘drive’ to get out of here sooner, now has an air of urgency about it. Also, the words, ‘divorce’ and ‘difficult and messy’ spring to mind… wonder why? I must ask him? Why am I questioning any of this? Oh God, I can’t think about this anymore, and anyhow, Barry would have said something. I was going to watch a film and all I’ve done is write. Never mind… I enjoy my writing so much. Nite nite my poor, confused darling Casey and my blissfully unaware Mitch, to all this ‘upset’ . . . love them so much xxxxand (and a prayer in there for Brian, Shonah and Jamie—I sorry if I said anything that sounded too harsh) xxx
Tuesday 25th November
3 whole months since the accident… and look how far I’ve come… left Plymund, been in a helicopter, broken back—sorted, but a bloody great pressure sore in it’s place—broken ribs, fingers (l.h.), jaw, stitches to head, squashed diaphram (where I have been told I won’t be able to cough and sneeze properly again), and punctured lung all the mend, detoxed from morphine, suffered a couple of UTIs (Urinary Tract Infections), that’s where I got an infection in my urine!, been told I’m ‘completely’ paralysed, have started my ‘rehab’, and feel like a fully fledged member of the (SPC) Spinal Unit Club… or should it be (Such Unfortune Cripples)? mmh? and have an affiliation with ‘everyone’ here who is learing how to cope and live with limbs that no longer work. If only people, eg. my family, knew the relentless hard work and acceptance it takes to go through the transition from being able to walk, to having to live in a wheelchair, they would never believe it. I’m sure they seem to think that… oops! you have the accident… ambulance to the hospital… confirmation of spinal injury… boo hoo! cry and feel sorry for yourself for a bit, and then… . do a few exercises and… HEY PRESTO! get yourself out of bed and JUMP, landing with a massive THUMP! 4 stone heavier ONTO A WHEELCHAIR! home to adapted house… . and they all WHINGED happily ever after!!
I really hope the witch doc, comes up with something that is strong enough to stop me being in so much pain. I would never have thought that I could ever be in so much discomfort, and have to ‘carry on regardless’, but there is hope for stronger meds. They gave me some extra diazapam yesterday, and said later on they would give me some more until Thursday when I would be prescribed something suitable to use on a regular basis. Apparently, diazapam, if used too frequently can become addictive, so ‘no thanks’!
One of the nurses, Brigitte, today asked me if I would ever use straighteners again, and I said ‘yes’, and the next thing, she is handing me a pair of ‘Nicky Clarke’ ones. She told me that her daughter ‘tossed them aside’ because they weren’t good enough (ungrateful little madam!) So, I wasn’t sure at first, cause as far as I know, they aren’t that cheap, but said ‘yes, thank you’. I was actually really pleased and she knew that. I will get someone to get her a little pressie. It restores my faith in the human race, when people go out of their way to help like that. Actually, most of the nurses and staff in the unit are really nice, and very helpful. They have obviously seen so many patients go through the doors here that they get used to it; I think it’s their positive attitude that helps me and it makes me feel ‘safe and secure’ that they know what they are doing and what they are dealing with. They do have to put up with a lot of different patients with differing types of injuries and personalities. After all, everyone has a different ‘coping mechanism’, and not only have I, as an individual, had to cope with my injury, I have also had to cope with having ‘no alcohol’ (I would have drunk myself to death by now), and not ‘smoking’, I never smoked a lot before, maybe 10 a day, but I can’t get one at the moment, and thank God I’m not ‘craving’, either the alcohol or cigarettes.
I managed to get to see Mr Templar today, he is such a nice man, and when he says he is going to do something, he DOES! I knew he would be busy yesterday, first day back from holiday, and all that, but he didn’t forget me… so today when he was taking the bandages off to dress my pressure sore, I was asking about it and what it was, because to be honest, I hadn’t ever really asked anyone properly (I didn’t want to know!). Anyway, he was telling me(and if I have got this right, he meant)—that a ‘pressure sore’ is the result of lying in one position too long, the skin underneath the pressure area starts to breakdown and then a red spot or patch appears on the surface, indicating there could be something wrong. He compared it to a volcano and molten rock that eventually erupts!! So, he gave me a mirror to have a look. OH MY GOD, it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. It was like 3 horrible ‘huge, rotten plum tomatos`, much larger than I thought it would be. Now I can understand why they need the vac to suck up all the dead skin. I can’t believe that just because Derry didn’t turn me sufficiently, I have ended up with this huge ‘leper-like’ wound, (imagine rotting flesh and dead skin), on my bottom. I can’t believe it’s ANYWHERE on my body. He even asked my permission to have my wound photographed, to include in one of their student university manuals.
THEN, he announced the words I have been wanting to hear fo
r weeks. OPERATION, GLASTRONIMUS MAXIMUS (ok, not exactlty, but, ‘operation’ would have done me), this entails an operations whereby the good flesh is pulled over the wound (like a face-lift), after having the ‘exudate’ (dead sluffy skin) sucked out, and he then closes the wound by stitching the skin!! Phew!
He is going to perform the operation tomorrow, so I won’t now be able to eat or drink after 10 o’clock tonight. He normally would have given me two days notice, but ran out of time!! (at least he’s honest). Oh, YES, that is good news, I think. I’m so excited about getting this done, but, I really can’t believe that Derry didn’t turn me sufficiently, AND now it makes sense about what I heard in Derry. when the surgeons were talking about Glasgow. They were saying that Glasgow would have the right to refuse to take me if the wound got any bigger… mmh? Interesting?! And, now, even though it hurts like hell and I get woken up at all hours, I can understand why the staff religiously have to get make sure that I get turned every 4 hours, as per Mr Templars’ instructions. Comprende? (I hope I that made sense?). My brain’s sore!!
So, Rhona, who is on her placement in the gym now, has taken over from Roddy, and he has moved to another dept. That’s a shame I liked Roddy. Saying that, Rhona is really nice too… WHATEVER!. When we went through to the gym, I showed her what weight I had reached and she was impressed. Then John (the Hunter), came over and asked Rhona if she would help him pull over a piece of equipment. It looked interesting. He then explained it was a ‘TILT’ trolley. They tilted it around until it was level with my bed and then by using a sliding sheet transferred me onto it. They strapped me securely to it and then slowly started to tilt it vertically. My God, it was the first time I was in a ‘standing up’ position since my accident. Yee haa, I loved it, this was exciting, I almost felt normally for a while—I was eye-to-eye to John and Rhona. John explained that I might get dizzy, and to let them know if I did, BUT, I didn’t get dizzy at all; maybe just dizzy from the whole wonderful experience of being vertical. I was only allowed to stay up for 5 minutes, but I didn’t care… it was 5 exciting minutes. Who would have believed 3 month previous, I would have been getting excited about being ‘upright’, crazy eh! They were both really pleased with my reaction to the trolley and said that next time they would let me stay up for longer. Yes! I can’t wait. I’m gonna ask if I can be put onto the trolley when I know mum is next visiting. I could have eye-to-eye contact with mum… that would be so amazing, and mum would be delighted and probably even ‘cry’ (which she doesn’t do very often). Being on the tilt trolley really made me even more determined to prove the docs wrong about my ‘complete’ injury? Again, who knows! Yippee! Rhona also mentioned, that John may even consider trying me on something called the ‘big foot casks’! Well, so far it had been a good day… bring it on!
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