When I woke up in the morning, there was nothing going on in this ward, but why would it? Neither of the only two other people in the ward can communicate or talk, so hell, Jim and Sam ain’t gonna be the life and soul!! Get it?
I couldn’t even really use my phone because the nurses where messing around with all their novelty Christmas antlers, and flashing badges and earrings, and the atmosphere wasn’t that bad… I suppose being next to the nurses station allowed to me to see more of what was going on. They offered me a bacon or sausage roll, but I wasn’t hungry, I thought I would save myself for the `Christmas lunch` oh yes! Well, about 12, the kids phoned and I said `Happy Christmas` to them and Barry and Shonah (and baby Jamie, of course) and reassured them that I was having a really good time and that there was lots going on… the truth was that my ward was ‘unnervingly’ quiet and the rest of the hospital was just ‘hopelessly’ quiet with a lot of the patients away home for Christmas, or visitors were coming in to see their loved ones… in fact, I don’t mean to sound sorry for myself, but I was on my OWN, and it was one of the most depressing Christmases I have ever had… So, I kept up the pretence and I knew that once Casey, in particular, was reassured, they could all go on and have a great time.
Another thing that Barry does well is cook, and he always cooks by himself at Christmas and makes it special with about 6 courses, e.g. melon with parma ham, homemade soup, salmon and scrambled eggs, (only very small portions), then turkey, stuffing, and all the trimmings he can think of, roast potatoes and mash, and my favourite, parsnips, finished with Chrismas pudding, brandy butter or ice cream, and finally, Christmas cake and coffee, accompanied by liquers and mints, and n.b. there was always plenty wine (no alchohol for me though, but Port for the cook) to accompany all the courses—Le voila!! I’m hungry even writing this, but I must admit, he does go the extra mile to make it special for everyone; the children and adults, and when his mum, Nanny Lou, (Barry’s mum and a beautiful person), was alive. Barry can be a bit of a ‘grouch’ at times, but he does get the children psyched up, and plays the overworkd ‘chef’ after, and they love it. Yeah, I hope they have a great time. After I had spoken to them all, I put the phone down, and unlike me, I CRIED! It wasn’t even because of my legs, or the fact that I had been so ill and was still not well, it was just because of the loneliness and the realisation again of being disabled. Why couldn’t I have just had the accident, let the injuries heal, and after a few weeks, get out of bed then just get into a wheelchair and go home(wherever that was going to be and by some miracle not an alcoholic)!
I pulled myself together and tried to put on a brave face, when the phone rang again and it was for me… this time it was mum, she had gone to church, and was calling before they went to my brother Tony’s for Chrismas dinner. I thanked her for the beautiful chain, and to make sure she had a good time and not to worry about me, because there was plenty going on. She seemed happy enough, and I spoke to Margie who was home for Chrismas, and she had obviously already had a few, and I couldn’t get her off the phone, it was funny though… eventually, the phone was taken from her, and I said happy Christmas to Tony and Dina. That actually cheered me up, because I could just imagine the mayhem there, and Margie would no doubt be hilarious later, she normally is! I had forgotten for that split second that I was on my own and unhappy… . thanks guys, and I do mean that!
After that the lunches came round, and the kitchen obviously tried to make it a bit special, by putting little Chrismassy favours on the tray, but the food was pretty naff… in fact I wasn’t hungry, so it didn’t really matter. The soup was only tepid, but the roll was nice and fresh, although the turkey was dry there was cranberry sauce and gravy, and the roast tatties were ok, but the vegetables and the parsnips were overcooked, the stuffing was just like an uncooked sage and onion mix. The chrismas pudding was cold, and I like it hot, and it was only single cream and no brandy butter!! What an OUTRAGEOUS oversight! Sorry, I know someone had gone to the trouble of cooking it, and I’m not being ungrateful, I’m just in a very weird mood, probably because this is all new to me, and I have never felt so much on my own, yet, there are so many people here, if that makes sense? There was no alcohol today either… . pity! I could have done with getting legless… . oops, forgot I already am!! ho ho ho!
Well, I haven’t really written the book since Christmas day, but to fill you in, there is a guy in the next ward, Drew, (quite dishy as well), who had come in last week and I met him in the gym. He had been playing rugby, when he was taken down in a rugby tackle, and had landed badly on his back, and twisted his neck… when they tried to move him, he was in too much pain, so when the ambulance arrived they put him on the stretcher with the protective moulds round his whole body and then he was taken by ambulance from Edinburgh to this Unit, to assess the damage. Thankfully for Drew, his spinal injury was only a T2 (thorasic 2), which means that he is not a complete break, his spine has only been squashed and not totally severed, like mine was, and he will walk again, but he will have to work very hard on his physio and rehabilitation, then there is going to be a referral for him to go to one of the hospitals in Edinburgh (I can’t remember which one), where he will have to stay for about 4 months until he is fit enough to go home. He will be transferred to Edinburgh after the new year. Unfortunately, this gym is shut for the 2 weeks over christmas and new year so there is no way of using the gym for the weights or just for plain old excercising, what a shame, NOT! But the idiots left the prone trolley, which I would have used, in the damn gym.
Anyway, on the 26th December, Boxing Day, Drew invited me to join him and his parents for a coffee… so as a ‘treat’ to get me out of the ward for a while, the nurses wheeled me through to his ward. I felt a bit better, so I didn’t mind the change of scenery. They were a nice family and Drew was a gentleman AND very good looking, but there was absolutely no ‘chemistry’ for me to him at all, which is very unusual for me, because, (now I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, I’m not ‘easy’) . . . I just would normally have been turning on the charms and trying my luck! Sad cow! The problem is that I do not feel at all sexy anymore. I’m clumsy with the body that I can use, I’ve put on weight, I put my make up on with a hand-mirror so it is all over the place, my clothes are dishevelled and don’t fit properly and my hairs a mess and the easiest of things like turning in bed, I can’t do, it’s painful and frustrating, plus I’ve got a bloody vac machine round my bloody neck, which hurts and I can’t imagine having sex ever again! Oh, what a bloody disaster area.
I didn’t stay too long, I had some of their Christmas cake (which was really nice), then thanked them, and asked the nurse to take me back to my ward. There was a stupid ‘Snow White’ film that I thought I would watch… I’m REALLY SAD! maybe I would fall asleep, hopefully. Oh my good God, I just got out of there in time… there were a bunch of guys walking into the unit and passed my ward… wow, it looks like a rugby team! Normally I would have been in my element, a bunch of great looking, student rugby players! but all I felt was `relief` that I got out of there in time. What `eye candy` though!—how sexist is that!!?
I got back to the ward and Sam’s wife, sons and their wives, his daughter and a couple of kids were there. It was really nice to see some life in the ward, with the kids running about. They apologised for the children and I told them that they were not disturbing me, and I enjoyed having them there. I chatted to them about Christmas etc, but it was hard for them to enjoy themselves, whilst Sam was lying there on a life support machine. They took turns at talking to him in the hopes that one of them may get a response… but unfortunately not… Sam just lay there. I did tell them that he still counts. I don’t know if that helped them or not! It’s just anything to give them hope that his Brain is at least still working… Oh God, its so so sad. Well, as for the film it was ridiculous, and so far fetched from the Snow White story that I grew up with. When was the prince charming ever turned into a bear, and when were the seven dwa
rfs named after days of the week rather than by their characteristics? It was ridiculously far fetched and actually any adults of the poor unsuspecting kids watching it should have been warned of some scenes that ‘may shock, or should have parental guidance’. The wicked queen was gruesomely horrible, and deformed beyond all human recognition, almost like the child catcher, in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang… . that bloody child catcher, left me traumatised as a kid!!
So nothing much else happened of any consequence, and once Sam’s family had left, it seemed even quieter than ever… . apart from the gargling drains of course!!
So, over the next few days I didn’t do any writing, but it would suffice to say that I couldn’t be bothered, and I had no inclination, probably because there was really not a lot happening and the usual phone calls came from the children and my mum, and I had a few calls from my sisters. The nurses were very good at trying to keep me upbeat and did spend quite a lot of the time chatting to me with plenty tea and biccies, how very droll!
Monday 29th December
It is quite weird today, I have had time to reflect on what has gone on over the last few months, and years, I suppose, and so as not to bore you by reminiscing too much, I think I’ve reached the conclusion that when I make reference to ‘My Family’, I mean, me, Casey and Mitch, (me and my cubs). Now I’m going to write something that I hope I don’t regret. When it comes to my brother and sisters, I don’t always feel part of the ‘whole’ family per say, and, I even feel, and I firmly believe, that I am ‘the runt of the litter’, and I make it easier for them to treat me in an ‘inferior fashion’ because of the way my life has panned out, and bravado can be a perfect camouflage for all the insecurities and anxieties going on underneath—BUT, you have to admit that I did something right when I had my children, who have turned out to be absoutely amazing kids and when they were born I was at my happiest ever and felt blessed, but even then, one of my sisters tried to tell me once that I cannot take any any credit for the way the kids have turned out and that it’s all down to Barry! ouch, that’s a bit harsh and it hurt! By the way, this is not self-pity talking.
Needless to say, the people who are part of everyones families are, my mum who has gone out of her way to get down to see me and phone me most nights, bless her, and my aunts and uncles, and I know if aunt Helen wasn’t so unwell she would be really supportive, and that includes dad!! Don’t get me wrong my brother and sisters have ‘been’ in touch, but I don’t know how much of it has been a ‘facade’. They blame me for my own accident, and I have to take responsibility for what happened that day, but things are not always that ‘black and white’. Thanks to one of my sisters planting the ‘lie seed’, in everyones heads, telling them that she had spoken to the nurses in Derry, and they had told her I had drink on me when I was admitted to the hospital, they all believed her, and think I was drunk when I took my dive, but I’m sorry! Not true! How the hell could she make such assumptions, based on hearsay? I did have some stella but that certainly didn’t make me drunk, and yes, my head was not in a great place, trying to get round things that had happened since leaving Rehab, like, unwittingly getting involved with Jake, a ‘relapser’, dealing with Jerry’s jealousy, the binge drinking and of course the ‘incident’, to name but a few; all considered, then NO, I was not thinking as clearly as I could have been before I took the dive. Even when I met Alec my head was ‘all over the place’, but he helped me stay sober and give me hope up until that Monday, wow, I hear you say, but that’s what could have been the turnaround I needed! Then, bumping into Matt that fateful day, brought so many bad memories back that my mind became devoid of all rational thinking, and, yes, I did have ONE can of Stella, and I don’t think I even finished that!! But maybe, that’s all it took… ‘the straw that broke the camels’ back’, scuse the pun… . maybe the metaphor should be ‘the Stella that severed the camels’ spine’!!
Well, all that aside, I am feeling quite positive tonight. I had a very surreal experience today. When Pete said he was coming up for New Year, he said he would phone me before he came in, and guess what? . . . without any prior notice, he walked into the ward, TODAY!!!
Oh my God, he marched into the ward, and I couldn’t believe it… some things never change. He had that arrogant swagger, with shoulders back, and protruding chest with pristine strides across the floor that would have made any sergeant major proud, and I half expected him to click his heels when he got to my bed!!
Well, at a first glance, you wouldn’t be wrong for thinking what a good looking guy… but I know better. Appearance alone; he had his hair greased back, which probably meant it hadn’t been washed for weeks, and he had obviously resurrected one of his really old heavy trench coats, that the moths hadn’t got to, and he had that cocky smile, and I’m sorry to say this but when he smiled and I saw his teeth, I remembered why I struggled to even kiss him, because his teeth were yellow and he never ever brushed them, no matter how much I nagged. This explained why I used to skip the foreplay and just get on with the sex!
Somehow, he always managed to look respectable when he needed to, mainly for work, with the sharp crease in his trousers, and crisp shirt collars, starched, with the rest of the shirt underneath creased to hell. Jesus, what had I EVER seen in him?? Maybe I felt so degraded and poverty-stricken when I met him I thought that I was lucky to have someone who even wanted to take me out, let alone, live with them! Christ, I was in a really bad way then! Nearly as bad as this bloody writing paper, it’s all greasy; that will teach me to try and write and eat at the same time. Anyway, I’ve got different paper… so where were was I? . . . Oh yes, talking of grease… . Pete came towards the bed, and, oh yes, he was grinning from ear to ear… God, those teeth! Whilst I was trying to look enthusiastic, at what he no doubt thought was going to be a ‘great surprise’ for me, I managed to clear my throat and unconvincingly trying to sound enthusiastic said, ‘HI, what are you doing here?’ what a plank I am? he was obviously here to see me! Inside I kept saying to myself, OH MY GOD, STAY CALM` over and over. Then in one split second I wondered if I looked ok? What, why?? Why should I give a shit?? It all happened so fast that I never even really heard him say ‘that’s my brother Chris’, until this dishevelled-looking, smaller and younger version of Pete, very self conscious, awkwardly said ‘hi’. Poor bugger, he didn’t have a clue what to say or do, accept to stand next to big brother looking very uneasy and sheepish, following orders and playing the ‘pack-horse’. He looked harmless and did manage a wryly smile without showing his teeth!! Thankfully!
Anyway, Pete leaned over towards me and planted a big kiss directly onto my ‘firmly shut’ lips. He was so brash, almost acting like we were still together! He went on to say that he was here for me now, and he would look after me. Oh dear! I reminded him that he had a ‘pretend’ wife and ‘real’ baby now, and he said not to worry about that, and he would take care of the business ‘transaction’ and it would be sorted out before I came out of hospital. OK! Not really, but, he then went on to say that the property he was in had a garage, and he would adapt it especially for my needs, and no-one would get to use it but me. I can’t help swearing, Fuck me, he is still delusional!
I shouldn’t really be so surprised at Pete, because Pete is… well Pete, and I know his ‘over-the-top’ antics, where he can’t do things by half or even moderately, everything has to be done to the extreme and he loves to make unrealistic, flamboyant gestures, and after all, I have to remind myself that it was, ME, who in a moment of madness, got back in touch with him. Plus, I know Pete is the proverbial, ‘when he’s good he’s very very good’ . . . . You get the gist! However, he started taking the parcels off his brother, and after he did, Chris walked out of the ward, and I thought he was leaving, but no, he appeared back carrying the biggest white Christmas teddy I have ever seen. It’s gorgeous, but, by Christ, I will have to sit it on the visitors chair, and, oh God, how am I gonna explain where I got him from, because he does
take up quite a lot of space, a whole friggin chair, in fact! Maybe I will just say he was a present from Simon. He has been in after all, (so it was only a little white lie)! Also, if the family find out that I have been in touch with Pete AND, that he’s been into the hospital to see me, they will go mental (or do they even know that part of my life?)!
Well, looking very pleased with himself, he proceeded to take two Disney pillows from his brother, and handed them to me. One of them had Mickey mouse with Goofy on it, and the other had Minnie mouse (looking very cutesy!) . . . puke! I was actually ‘gob smacked’, I couldn’t believe that he had actually bought two Disney pillows based on our pet names, that we had had for each other ‘many moons’ ago. Oh God, what have I done. I’ve unleashed, ‘The Wooki Monster’ out of ‘Star Wars’, (you know the big furry bear-like thing that’s pretty thick). You see, Pete is a fanatical sci-fi freak, and I swear he is on another planet most of the time, and he takes on ‘alien ‘traits’. Problem is he takes on the ‘dark side’, by becoming ‘Darth Vader’ out of Star Wars!! (As I have discovered to my misfortune)!
So, anyway, he then handed me some chocolates, and they were my favourite… the biggest box of ‘Milk Tray’ he could obviously find, then he handed me two wrapped presents—one was a make up set and the other was a hair-dryer.
There is no doubting it, his gifts were really lovely, but totally inappropriate, and his over-indulgence had only cemented my worries, that I should never have got in touch.
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