by Paul Merton
HANCOCK. There’s no risk, there’ll be half the force ready to pounce on them the minute anybody tries anything.
GRISELDA. Honestly! The first time in my life anybody’s likely to try anything, half the police force jump out and stop him.
HANCOCK. He’s not going to try that sort of thing.
GRISELDA. After all these years, any sort of thing would be welcome.
HANCOCK. But Griselda! I’ve promised the Superintendent that you’ll do it!
GRISELDA. Well, I’m not, so go away. I’ve got to finish sewing ‘see you later alligator’ on my sweater before the concert tonight. You’ll just have to find someone else.
[Music]
HANCOCK. How do I look, Bill?
BILL. Sensational. The skirt’s a little too baggy, and you haven’t got the colouring for a blonde wig, but otherwise perfect.
HANCOCK. I’ll be glad when I get out of these high heels; they’re screwing up my bunions something horrible.
BILL. It won’t be long, it’s time to go down to the bank with the bag.
SUPERINTENDENT FARMSWORTH. Are you ready Hancock?
HANCOCK. I’m ready Super. I still think we ought to have found somebody else. It’s not right you know: me, a policeman, dressed as a woman. It’s overstepping the bounds of duty.
SUPERINTENDENT FARMSWORTH. Silence! Go out now, it’s one o’clock, get down to the street. We’ll be watching your every move. Good luck.
HANCOCK. Are my seams straight?
[Door bangs]
SUPERINTENDENT FARMSWORTH. Nothing suspicious so far. No one’s taking any notice of him. Perhaps they’re not going to try anything today.
BILL. Hey, wait a minute, look! There’s a man following him. Look! The fellow in the trilby. He’s crossing the road after him.
SUPERINTENDENT FARMSWORTH. Mm, I think we may be onto something here. Look! Hancock’s stopped.
BILL. Yes, that was the fella. Oh gee, Tub looks worried.
SUPERINTENDENT FARMSWORTH. Get ready Kerr, I think this may be it.
BILL. No, wait until he actually snatches the bag. Yes, look! The fella’s going up to Tub, he’s tapping him on the shoulder, he’s, he’s saying something to him.
[Footsteps]
MAN. Good morning cheeky. Want to come to the pictures with me?
HANCOCK. Hop it, hop it! Go on, get out of it! Go on, go on. Go on home. Go home!
MAN. Don’t be like that. I saw you wink at me.
HANCOCK. I didn’t wink at you. Me false eyelash flopped down. Look, buzz off. Go on, hop it!
MAN. I think you’re smashing.
HANCOCK. I’ll smash you in a minute.
MAN. Ooooh, there see, I like girls with a bit of spirit. (A bit of fire. I bet you’re Mexican or something aint you?
HANCOCK. I am not Mexican. I come from Cheam if it’s any interest. Now clear off mate. There’s a good boy. You might get hurt.
MAN. No, right little spitfire aren’t you? You fascinating minx you.)1 Come here…
HANCOCK. Do you mind! Let me go! How dare you! Unhand me!
MAN. Stop struggling! You girls are all the same. Tantalise a man until you drive him to distraction. Here, what about coming to the pictures?
HANCOCK. You’re making a big mistake. Things aren’t what they seem. Go and find somebody else!
MAN. No, I want you. I like them with a bit of meat on them.
HANCOCK. What do you mean a bit of meat? I’ll fix you such a slosh across the face with my handbag in a minute.
MAN. Oh no. Stop messing about. What’s your name, deary?
HANCOCK. Mind your own business!
MAN. I see you as a Laura.
HANCOCK. Do you? Well, I see you as a Charlie. Now, look! Let me give you a word of warning. There are a hundred policemen hiding in the shop doorways along here waiting to spring out on any man that talks to me.
MAN. Ooooh. You must be important. All those bodyguards, you must be an eastern princess or something.
HANCOCK. Do I look like an eastern princess?
MAN. A beauty like yours would fit in anywhere, my little goose. Come to the pictures with me.
HANCOCK. I’m not com— What’s on? No, no, I can’t go, I’ve got a job to do. Now go on, hop it, please.
MAN. Let me carry your bag then.
HANCOCK. No!
MAN. Oh give us it—
HANCOCK. No!
MAN. Oh go on.
HANCOCK. You’ll be sorry! Give us it back!
MAN. No, no, the least a gentleman can do is carry a lady’s handbag.
[Whistles blowing]
BILL. Alright, you’re under arrest!
MAN. Me? What for?
BILL. We’ve been waiting for you to try and snatch that bag and now we’ve caught you in the act. Now come quietly.
MAN. But I haven’t done anything. I’m just a young lad, trying to find himself a bit of fun.
BILL. You’re wanted on a charge of robbing forty-nine shops, three factories, a warehouse and a bank. What have you got to say?
MAN. What are the girls like in prison?
1 Text in brackets not included in original rehearsal script but appeared into the final radio recording of ‘Hancock’s Half Hour’.
SID’s MYSTERY TOURS
Ray Galton and Alan Simpson
Ray Galton (1930–2018) and Alan Simpson (1929–2017) were an English comedy script-writing partnership. They met in 1948 whilst recuperating from tuberculosis at a sanatorium in Surrey. They are best known for their work with comedian Tony Hancock on radio and television, and for their long-running sitcom Steptoe and Son.
CAST
Tony Hancock
Sidney James
Bill Kerr
Warren Mitchell
Errol Mckinnon
Mavis Villers
*
Grams. Signature tune… down for:
ANNOUNCER. We present Tony Hancock, Sidney James, and Bill Kerr in…
Grams. Sig. tune up and down for:
TONY. [Breath] “Hancock’s Half Hour”
Grams. Sig tune up and out.
BILL. More tea, Tub?
TONY. Thank you, William, yes. Use the strainer this time. I do hate tea leaves floating about. It doesn’t matter which way you turn the cup, they follow you round.
BILL. O.K. Do you want any more omelette Yugoslavian?
TONY. No thanks, I’ll make do with the Cornflakes. Mediterranean.
BILL. What’s that?
TONY. That’s with milk on them.
BILL. Oh. What cornflakes do you want? The already sugared ones, or the ones you put the sugar on yourself?
TONY. The already sugared ones please. I don’t like putting the sugar on myself. It goes right through and collects at the bottom of the plate. Those last two spoonfuls are like dredging the mouth of the Humber.
BILL. I’ll have to open a fresh packet.
TONY. Bags me the little Tony Tiger badge. Oh god, he’s riding a bike, I haven’t got that one. Put it in the lapel of my clerical grey.
BILL. You can’t do that.
TONY. I’m entitled to. I’m a club member. What? I’ve been whoofing cornflakes since before they started making a noise.
BILL. They’ve always made a noise.
TONY. Anything makes a noise when you eat it. Now keep quiet, I want to read the newspaper…
Effects: Newspaper.
TONY. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Well I never. Doesn’t it make you sick. Who do they think they are. Four times married, this time for keeps, ex-husband best man, and three of his ex-wives as bridesmaids. What a way to carry on. I don’t know what the world’s coming to. It’s like a square dance. Once round the room and all change partners. I don’t know why I buy this paper, I don’t really, there’s never any news in it. Hallo, I thought so, the dustmen have come out on strike in the Isle of Man. I knew that would happen, I could see it coming. You can’t expect them to empty dustbins with motor bikes whipping by every five minutes. Ho
w would you like to keep crossing the road during the Junior T. T. If one of them was to be hit by Surtees on his Works Motorguzzi, he’s had it. They haven’t got much protection… a couple of dustbin lids, that’s no good. Hallo, I see those two have got engaged. Dear oh dear… look at them, what a couple of charmers. What can he see in her. Look at her, what does she look like, beauty queen? Her. They don’t say when, do they. Oh no. About 1932, I reckon. Look at it… all teeth and beauty spots.
BILL. Who?
TONY. I thought I told you to keep quiet.
BILL. Well, I only…
TONY. Do you want to go and stand outside?
BILL. No.
TONY. Well, be quiet then.
BILL. I thought we were going out today.
TONY. We are, there’s plenty of time. I haven’t read the gardening strip yet. There he is, old Harold the Gardener. Standing in the vegetable patch with bubbles coming out of his head. What’s he saying. [Dialect] When you’re planting your potatoes, make sure there aren’t no wire worms about. He’s right, he’s dead right. Very nasty that is, wire worms in your spuds. Do you remember our spuds last year. We dug them out of the ground looking like bits of Henry Moore’s statues. Disgusting it was. Thirty nine pounds of potatoes. We got five chips out of them.
BILL. Where are we going?
TONY. I haven’t made up my mind yet. Hallo, that’s a clever way of tying up your peas. Bits of string. Make a note of that. What’s he doing in the last picture? Oh yes, how to get apples down from the top of the tree… Of course, garden shears on the end of big poles. I wish I’d known about that. I’ve been chopping ours down every year.
BILL. The time’s getting on. It won’t be worth going out in a minute.
TONY. Yes it will. You are a worryguts, aren’t you?
BILL. Well, it’s the first weekend we’ve had free for weeks. I want to go to the seaside.
TONY. Well, we’re not going to the seaside. I don’t like the seaside any more. You can’t get near the sea for feet. Great bare plates pounding up and down the beach. You try and have a nice doze and wake up with your earholes full of sand… that’s not my idea of enjoying ones self. No, if we go out, we’ll have a nice quiet day in the country. We’ll have a go at one of those excursions.
BILL. They’ll be in the paper, in the small ads.
TONY. Yes, that’ll be next to the horoscopes. Here we are. Page nine. Holidays and tours. Coach tour of the South Downs, thirty-two and six. De Luxe Coaches Ltd. Tour of the Western Highlands, twelve and six. That’s very good. Oh… you’ve got to find your own way up to Aberdeen. Hallo, what’s this? Free, Free, Free. Absolutely genuine offer, no obligations, guaranteed bona fide. Well, this sounds like a catch, doesn’t it? Tour of the local district leaving Cheam High Street at two thirty.
BILL. Who’s running it?
TONY. Er… Oh, I thought so.
BILL. What?
TONY. Sid James Mystery Tours. Isn’t it marvellous. Every year it’s the same. The minute the sun comes out he’s got a racket going. You’ve got to hand it to him. He’s got a fiddle worked out for every season of the year. Each Christmas we have the Old Mother James’s Genuine Christmas puddings. Thirty bob each, made by him and Edwardian Fred in the bicycle shed, supply your own currants. Then at Easter we are confronted with the Great Easter Egg Take On. One cardboard egg painted brown with two bits of yellow cotton wool stuck on it which we are informed, are baby chickens. And inside crammed full of delicious sweets. Two peppermints with holes in and a liquorice shoelace… Thirty-five bob that lot. Then at Whitsun he’s riding up and down the road selling set teas to motorists in traffic jams. Which wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for the fake diversion signs that he sits up half the night painting. And now we have the Sid James Mystery Tours. The only mystery I can see is how the police haven’t caught on to him yet.
BILL. Well, are we going to patronise him?
TONY. Certainly not. We’ll go along and see what he’s up to, but I’m not buying any tickets off him. I’ve been stung too many times. Hallo.
BILL. What?
TONY. My horoscope. Saggiteryus, Beware ugly looking man with frizzy hair. Money will undoubtedly change hands.
BILL. Show me mine. Leo the Lion. [Reads] That goes for you too.
TONY. Oh don’t take any notice of him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Herbert the Gipsy, I’ve never reckoned him. He’s had my mother frightened to go out of the house six times since last march. Come on then, lay out my holiday outfit. Straw sandals, argyle socks plus fours, silk shirt and the blazer with the R.A.F. badge on it. Or shall I wear the blazer with the Royal Artillery badge?
BILL. I think you look best in the Oxford University blazer.
TONY. Yes, I think you’re right. Although the Cambridge blazer looks rather chic when it’s been cleaned up. Yes, I think the Cambridge University with the Old Etonian Tie… and my plastic mac.
Grams. Music link.
Grams. Street noises… and rain effect.
TONY. Now… Sid James Mystery Tours, 22a High Street East Cheam. Well, that’s twenty, twenty-two… where’s twenty-two A then?
BILL. It’s not there.
TONY. I can see it’s not there. That’s why I said where is it? Why don’t you listen? And get your feet off my plastic mac.
BILL. You shouldn’t have it so long.
TONY. I like it long, do you mind. What’s the point in having a plastic mac if your turn ups get wet. If you’re going to have a mac, have a big ’un. Now get your feet off. You’ll have the welded seams coming apart. Now… twenty-two A. Go and ask someone.
BILL. It’s raining.
TONY. What difference does that make? They’re not going to not know just because it’s raining.
BILL. Wait a minute, would that be it?
TONY. Would what be it?
BILL. Over there. In between twenty-two and twenty-four, there’s a gap.
TONY. That’s right, that’s the bomb site.
BILL. Well, there’s a shed on it.
TONY. He’s right, there is a shed on it. Well done, have a wine gum. There’s no sign of life over there. Wait a minute, there’s a flap coming down. Oh yes, there he is behind the counter, look at him, he looks like a dirty great spider in the middle of his web. Come on my old fly, let’s go and see what it’s all about.
BILL. I see he’s got some customers already. We’ll have to get on the queue…
[Fade]
SIDNEY. … there you are sir, two tickets for the Grand Mystery Tour leaving here in ten minutes.
OLD MAN. Where are we going?
SIDNEY. Oh, I can’t tell you that. It wouldn’t be a mystery tour then would it? You have to chance your luck. That’ll be thirty-five and six each please.
OLD MAN. That’s a lot of money. It says seventeen and six on your board.
SIDNEY. You want to come back, don’t you? Now go and stand over there and wait for the others. We leave as soon as we’ve sold all the tickets. And the next gent please.
TONY. So you’re at it again, eh?
SIDNEY. Oh, hallo Hancock. I haven’t seen you for days. How’s the tortoise I sold you?
TONY. It hasn’t moved since I put it in the garden.
SIDNEY. Hasn’t moved?
TONY. Not a step. I haven’t even seen it yet. I haven’t seen its head or its legs. I picked it up and shook it this morning, there’s nothing in there.
SIDNEY. Of course there’s something in there.
TONY. I don’t care about something in there, is there a tortoise in there?
SIDNEY. Well, there should be.
TONY. Well, I don’t think there is. I looked in through the front and I could see right out through his leg holes.
SIDNEY. Well, perhaps he was curled up.
TONY. They don’t curl up.
SIDNEY. Well, give him a chance, he’s only a baby, he’s still growing, he hasn’t filled the shell up yet.
TONY. The shell grows with them. There�
��s nothing in there. I’ve been poking sticks in through every hole and there’s nothing in there.
SIDNEY. Oh well, if you’ve been doing that, that explains it. He must have got a bit niggly. He probably lifted his shell up and ran for it.
TONY. Well, I’m not satisfied, I want my money back.
SIDNEY. No, I’m sorry. I never return money, you ought to know that.
TONY. Well, give me another one then. And no cheating. I want one with a head and four legs poking out.
SIDNEY. You’re too late, mate, I’m not in the tortoise trade any more. They live too long. There’s no replacement trade worth talking about.
BILL. Why don’t you sell old ones?
TONY. Why don’t you sell old ones? What a poltroon this man is. How can you tell how old a tortoise is?
BILL. You count the rings on its back.
TONY. That’s a tree.
BILL. Oh. You count its teeth?
TONY. That’s horses.
BILL. Well, you can’t be right all the time.
TONY. No, no you’re quite right, William. I wish I hadn’t taken him in. Look, I wish to speak to Sidney you amuse yourself. Stand there and count the nails up the side of the shed.
BILL. One, two, three, four…
TONY. No, no, to yourself, eh? Quietly. That’s a good lad. Well now, Sidney…
SIDNEY. Yeah, hurry up and get it over, I’ve got a business to run. Now, what can I do for you?
TONY. These tours of yours, what’s the fiddle?
SIDNEY. There’s no fiddle. Genuine legitimate business. I run mystery tours, that’s all there is to it. How many tickets do you want?
TONY. Wait a minute… let’s cut aside some of the mystery first. How does it work?
SIDNEY. Well, I’ve got all prices of tours, ranging from five bob right up to thirty-five and a tanner. You pay me the money and I give you the tour.
TONY. That sounds alright. I’ll have two five-shilling ones.
SIDNEY. A very wise choice. A delightful tour you’ve chosen there. Not so long as a thirty-five and six one of course, but nonetheless interesting.
TONY. Good. When do we start?
SIDNEY. As soon as you like.
TONY. Alright then, I’ll go now.
SIDNEY. Alright then, cheerio.
TONY. Cheeri… What do you mean, cheerio?
