‘Maybe,’ I replied, looking to the glossy black table and the hundreds of sticky fingerprints spread across the sheen.
‘Just maybe?’
‘Well, you seem really nice, but don’t you think it would be a good idea to recover from your break-up? Take some time to just be you for a bit. Not you as a couple or you as a boyfriend. Just you.’
‘Are you following your own advice?’
‘Absolutely. I’m finding myself,’ I replied sarcastically.
‘Maybe you’re right. I’m gutted, though. I thought we had something special. Our eyes met across a crowded room, we connected. You know, all the clichés.’ He laughed as he dipped his head and blushed.
‘Sorry. It’s been good to meet you. Erm…’
I realised I didn’t know his name.
‘Tom.’
‘It’s nice to meet you, Tom. I’m Elle.’ I held out my hand and he took it firmly, squeezing it into a fist. ‘Don’t rush into anything. Enjoy single life.’
I nodded and offered a smile as he hesitated, wondering what to say or do next.
‘Thanks for the advice. You should be a counsellor or something.’
‘I’ll consider it.’ I smiled knowingly.
As he walked backwards, he offered a shy wave before turning his back and disappearing into the crowd.
‘What the hell?’ Abi almost tripped over her frustration as she landed awkwardly at the table.
‘What?’ I asked innocently.
‘What happened? Why is the nice man with the nice smile walking away?’
‘We talked, and now we’re done.’
‘Done?’ The pitch to her voice reverberated around the club.
‘Yes, done.’
‘What was wrong with him?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Did you get his number? Set up a date? Offer him a cock ring?’
‘No, we just talked.’
‘Hold on. Let me get this right. You were approached by a guy, talked for twenty minutes, you got on, laughed, and shared a moment together?’
‘Yes. A moment,’ I said widening my eyes for added effect.
‘Then why has he just walked away?’
‘We just talked. There was nothing more to it. He seemed nice, but that was it. No fireworks, no serenading violins, no falling rose petals.’
‘That could come later. Why strike him off now?’
‘He’s just broken up with someone and he’s still pining over his dwarf hamster!’
‘I’m sorry? Say that again,’ she said, cupping her ear.
‘Please don’t ask me to repeat myself. I might just lose it and all the swear words jangling around my brain will come out. Then I’ll be accused of letting myself down or not being authentically Elle. Well, this is me. I repeat the words shit and fuck in my head just for the sake of it, and I take great pleasure in knowing the hidden sweary person who wants to be in charge of my behaviour is ready to break out and flick you on the chin.’ I squared up to her and broke out into an appeasing smile as she took me in for a hug.
‘Fuck me! You need to have some fun. Come on. Dance floor. Drink. Now!’ She curled her finger and walked backwards. Gem and Kate joined us, and it wasn’t long before Abi was twirling against the man who was just as pleased to see her now as he was before; maybe more if the wandering hands and kisses to the throat were anything to go by.
We left the club happy and tipsy without a grabby man or nice guy in sight. We left as we had arrived: four friends arm in arm, but more in love with each other than ever before. ‘So what happened to happy camper?’ I asked, as we pulled closer together to keep warm in the chilly spring air.
‘Who?’ Abi asked.
‘Happy camper! The guy with the tent pole in his trousers.’
‘Oh God! Ready to pitch his tent!’ She laughed and pushed me away from her, forcing me to hang on to Gem to stop myself from falling over.
‘Yeah, why are you going home alone tonight?’ Gem asked as she wrapped her arm around my waist to steady me.
‘I’m too drunk for that!’
‘When has that ever stopped you?’ Kate smiled as she pulled her coat around her chest.
‘He was just a distraction. Plus he asked me to give him a blow job in the men’s toilets. I may be at my sexual peak, but I’m not that seedy.’
‘Oh my God. No way!’ Kate gasped and giggled in embarrassment. ‘What is it about men and their demanding dicks?’
‘I’m not about to get down on my knees in the men’s toilets. I have some morals.’ She smiled, but her eyebrows moved around madly as she spoke, reflecting the mixed thoughts and emotions she had about herself that she tried so hard to hold in.
‘Who enjoys giving blow jobs anyway?’ Kate cut the conversation and we all stopped walking at the same time and stared at her in disbelief. ‘What? I’m not that keen. Just being honest.’
‘You know what doesn’t help the situation? Pre-come. What’s that all about?’ Gem shook her head in exasperation.
‘We’re talking pre-come now? God!’ I snorted.
‘Well, if the job isn’t hard enough as it is, you’re already waiting for the main event and then you get blind sided by pre-come,’ Gem replied, shaking her head slowly.
‘The worst thing is when they grab your head and start to thrust. I just want to scream, Hands off my head, asshole! I’m so close to your dick I could bite it off!’ Kate shouted and attempted the actions like an inappropriate game of charades at Christmas. ‘I’m sure you don’t get that in loving relationships. Or maybe I would love a long-term partner to push my head towards his ball sack,’ she said sarcastically as she placed a finger on the side of her head in mock thought.
We collapsed onto the tram and leant our heads against each other’s shoulders. ‘I’m glad you dropped happy camper tonight,’ I said quietly to Abi as she stared out of the window. ‘You would’ve regretted that decision in the cold light of a hangover.’
‘In alcohol’s defence, I’ve made some pretty shocking lifestyle choices whilst sober too,’ she whispered. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t meet your Mr Right tonight.’
‘I met Mr Nice-to-chat-to. That’s something, isn’t it? I didn’t get my male repellent out. I actually talked to a man in a club. Get me.’
‘I have a plan for you, Davis. Sleep first. Plan later.’
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Abi: Gem can be free tonight so let’s meet for a meal and a film. We can see the new one with the poster boys for Hollywood actors that haven’t aged well.
Me: Sounds like a plan
We met at one of our favourite Italian restaurants. It was hidden down a winding alley of small shops and cafés. It had window boxes full of freesias and begonias in spring bloom. The tables were small, but we squashed up and ordered drinks before studying the menu.
‘I have news,’ Gem announced. ‘I’m pregnant and I’m getting back with Jay.’
We all lifted our glasses to distract from our obvious shock.
‘Wow! Just wow!’ Abi said, before downing half her glass of wine.
‘What? Even after you caught him getting a blowie?’ Kate rubbed her forehead with her hand.
‘I’m not sure what to say,’ I admitted as I desperately tried to feel my way around the situation.
Gem looked down at her glass and ran her finger down the stem. A smile escaped the side of her mouth, which encouraged a bubble of laughter. ‘Happy April Fool’s Day!’ Gem shouted as she threw her head back. ‘That was too easy! Oh my God. That was brilliant.’ She laughed as we all tried to calm our nerves before slowly joining in her laughter.
‘Holy fuck, Gem.’ Abi snorted a noise that was half laugh, half squeal.
‘I’ve been waiting all day for something from you, Abi. I couldn’t let it pass.’
‘I’m not as childish as you. Honestly, the only mother between us and this is how she behaves.’
‘Let’s move on swiftly and make a toast. Forget exes!’ I said as I lifted my glass in the air and
encouraged them to do the same. ‘To faithful friends and new adventures.’
The food was ah-maz-ing. Fresh, delicious, and all homemade. I was just about to start eating when she tapped the rim of her glass with the handle of her knife. ‘We’ve been talking and we’ve done something. Don’t be mad.’ She put her knife down and nervously looked towards Kate after addressing me.
‘Oh no. What have you done?’
‘Well, we were going to wait a while longer but we think you’re ready. Especially since you’ve stopped obsessively talking about Luke’s lovely qualities hidden underneath the shit ones. Blah, blah, blah.’ Kate laughed and rolled her eyes as she took another sip of her cocktail, avoiding the umbrella as it threatened to poke her in the eye.
‘Ready for what exactly?’ I asked, slightly exasperated at how cryptic they were being.
‘Just sit down and we’ll explain everything.’ Abi leant under the table and pulled her tablet out of her bag. ‘You know your mission to find a boyfriend and therefore find perfect, panty-dropping true love?’ I laughed at Abi’s summary of my life. She had managed to turn something so complicated into a few words short enough to fit into a tweet.
‘How could I forget? What a disaster that turned out to be.’
‘We all agree that it’s time to get you back in the saddle, so to speak.’ Abi plonked the tablet in front of me and pulled up a chair. ‘Just hear us out.’
My smile started to fade as I looked at the screen and saw a dating website. Loveisintheair.com. ‘Oh no. No. I’m sorry, but no,’ I said, shaking my head and waving my hands in front of their cautious faces.
Loveisintheair.com? Did online dating actually work, or was it a platform for men after a quick night of fun never to be seen again? You might as well call it Bagthatbone.com, I’dtapthat, or Cheatsandmeets.
‘I told them it was a bad idea, that you would hate it, but I’ve actually been giving it some thought and I think it’s a great idea. Don’t immediately shut it off.’ Kate was sitting across from me chewing on her fingernails. ‘We’ve made you a profile. You’ve been winked at fifty-six times!’
‘How can someone wink at me through a computer screen?’ I asked, completely misunderstanding the term.
‘Elle, I love you but you have lived such a sheltered life,’ Abi sighed, clearly exasperated with me. ‘When we say someone has winked at you, it means that someone has viewed your profile and is interested.’
I sat and read the profile they had created on my behalf with the sole intention of finding me a new boyfriend. They’d added pictures they’d photoshopped the hell out of, thank God, and written a personal biography that gave details about my likes, interests and passions in life.
‘You make me sound so much more interesting than I actually am. Any man is going to be sorely disappointed when they step away from the computer and face the reality of Elle Davis in all her boring glory.’
I could feel the icy cold stare as Abi started tapping away on the tablet. ‘Here, look at this.’ She pointed at the inbox in the top corner of the webpage. ‘If this is something you’re interested in, you have to pay a monthly fee to be able to read messages. They’re good at tempting people to join because you can see that you have twenty-five messages, but you can’t read them until you sign up.’
Kate put her hand on top of mine across the table. ‘So? What do you think?’
‘I can see the cogs turning in your head,’ Abi said.
‘I don’t know. It all feels a bit desperate?’ I sighed, aimlessly scrolling through the profile again.
‘Not desperate. You know Sue from the office? She met her husband online. It’s the way forward, my friend. Even celebrities are using it.’
‘It’s only been a few months,’ I reminded them.
‘Why are you feeling guilty? Luke didn’t wait months, did he?’ she said, sighing in frustration.
‘That’s him. We’re talking about me. Breaking up and getting a new boyfriend so soon after a break-up, isn’t that just bad manners?’
‘Fuck, I’ve been on dates with two different men all in the space of two days and one might have involved a blowy. No, it’s not too soon.’
‘That’s you, Abi.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Her posture changed from open and confident to hurt and defensive.
‘I just meant that you find all of this easy.’
‘This?’ she said as she folded her arms across her chest.
‘Men, blowies, one-night stands. That’s not me. That’s your forte.’
‘Have you ever thought maybe that’s not what I want?’ she said with a look on her face I couldn’t place. Hurt. Anger. Disappointment.
‘What do you want?’ I asked as she looked to the floor.
‘Let’s just leave it. We’re supposed to be finding you a new man,’ she said as she took a deep breath and raised a fake smile.
‘Come on, what have you got to lose?’ they asked in unison.
‘I don’t know. It all seems a bit soon.’
Abi cleared her throat and started speaking firmly. ‘I did question it; I’m not going to lie. But it just feels like you’ve acknowledged it’s time to move on and have a bit of fun. You drove me crazy hanging on to Luke by your fingernails just because he was your first. There’s no shame in sampling more than one chocolate out of the box.’ You should know more than anyone that I’ve been on the train to Heartbreakville. Searing feelings of pain kind of put me off jumping into anything serious again,’ she said with a sad smile.
‘This is the most I’ve heard you say about that for months.’
‘I’m not saying you should jump into bed with the first person you meet, but lower your standards. Don’t think that every relationship is going to lead to wedding bells. Look what happened to me. My true love turned into a pen pal who doesn’t even write. How sad is that?’
I had no idea that the letters between Abi and her ex had stopped. She kept so much hidden behind the bravado she used as her armour.
‘You haven’t heard from him?’ I asked tentatively.
‘No, not for a while.’
‘I’m sorry. I know how much you loved him.’
‘I’ve said it before, Elle—’
‘If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be,’ I said, cutting her off.
‘Yes,’ she said, looking to the floor.
That was a great life plan for the eternally optimistic, but I knew Abi better than I knew myself. She could be a professional cynic at times. That well rehearsed mantra was losing all of its initial romantic shine.
‘Is this a bad time to bring up soundtrack of your life?’ I asked.
‘Fuck yes!’ She laughed, shaking her head dismissively. ‘I’m not even going there. Anyway, this is about you, not me. What’s the decision?’
‘I need to think about it. I’m not sure. I’m not saying no. I just need to think it all through.’
‘I’m giving you a week. If it’s a no, the profile gets deleted and you can return to your convent. But if it’s a yes, we break open the chastity belt. I’ll bring the chainsaw.’
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Monday morning came and went.
Should I sign up to Loveisintheair.com?
Tuesday dragged like a bitch after I accidentally deleted my notes from a long parenting assessment session.
Should I consider dating again?
Wednesday offered some light relief in the form of a visit to Zack and Zahra in foster care. Who wouldn’t trade boring paperwork for an afternoon playing princesses and wizards?
I could always sign up and read the messages.
Thursday whirled by in a flurry of meetings, visits and phone calls.
Maybe one of those messages could lead me to the love of my life.
Friday rolled in stomping its feet and roaring its presence. Abi had given me a week. I’d taken it. Suddenly, I didn’t need any more reassurance. ‘Pass my purse.’ Abi unlinked her arm from mine when we arrived at her flat.
I signed up, but only for a one-month trial. Cautious Elle was still in the building, but now she was more likely to take the stairs two at a time than hold on to the handrail.
Scrolling through the twenty-five messages, I immediately regretted my decision. Most of the messages consisted of sexual innuendos or blatant offers of sex. No conversation, no offers to wine and dine, just how about it? Plus one particularly romantic message with an offer to meet a retired health and safety inspector in order to, as he so nicely put it, milk him dry. The accompanying flaccid penis picture didn’t help his case.
‘Can I subscribe to something for the cautiously romantic? Choosewisely.com? This one has an air of seediness about it. The company motto could be: You get what you get. The terms and conditions would be one page with no refunds printed in bold.’
I laughed as I eyeballed Abi.
‘How about this one? He wants to find a like-minded woman for fun and fine dining,’ she said, scrolling through the message.
‘What are his interests?’
‘Light bondage,’ she sniggered.
‘What the hell is light bondage? Oh, excuse me while I whip you with a feather duster.’
‘Move on,’ she said, wafting her hand.
Some messages appeared to have been sent by relatively sane men who still had their own hair and teeth, but I didn’t find them in the least bit attractive. I laughed as I read through a message from a man in Milton Keynes who said his top pet peeve was women who posted suggestive selfies, half naked and pouting. Total turn off apparently. I couldn’t help but notice that he needed to listen to his own advice as I scrolled through streams of shirtless photos, his arm lifted in front of the mirror as he pressed the camera button on his phone. I was a sniff away from typing a message saying, Sorry, Milton Keynes is a bit of a way to travel.
‘OK. Mike. He’s cute. Let’s read his message,’ she said.
Loveisintheair.com email to: Elle Davis
Loveisintheair.com email from: Mike Clinton
Date: 1 April at 2:46 p.m.
Subject: Date?
Dear Elle,
How about we arrange to meet?
Mike
‘He’s a bit abrupt, isn’t he?’ I said as I frowned towards Abi.
Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1) Page 18
