‘They’re my stepchildren; Simon’s, kids.’
‘Is Simon not here today?’
‘No. I thought it best that he wasn’t. Ben prefers it that way.’
She took me into the spare room. It had an old computer sitting on a corner desk, an old wooden rocking chair, and a number of teddy bears scattered the floor.
‘I’m sorry for my mum. She needs a filter for her mouth.’ She smiled as we both stood staring out of the window. ‘I warned her to behave before you came, but as you can see, she doesn’t take the slightest bit of notice.’
‘She’s amazing. I hope I’m as spirited as her when I’m that age.’
‘Spirited. What a lovely way to describe her. I wanted to get some time alone with you. Ben’s told me so much about you. How’s your shoulder now?’
‘It’s fine. The papers made it sound so much more dramatic than it was.’
‘I was so pleased to read they found him.’
I had received a call from the police earlier in the week. They had found Mr Bramall at a disused garage not far from his house. He admitted everything, including the attack on his wife, and he was charged with grievous bodily harm.
‘Ben told me about your ex. I hope you don’t mind. It all came out rather unexpectedly because he came here in a bit of a state the night you were in hospital.’
Her words stung but her eyes were kind.
‘That feels like a lifetime ago now,’ I answered honestly.
‘I know how hard it can be to let go of your first love and how devastating it can be when you walk away. As a woman, I can understand. But as a mother, it’s not easy watching your son hurt.’ She smiled and patted my hand. ‘All I know is that he’s yours if you want him. Love him and enjoy him, but if you’re not sure, please don’t break him. He’s a sensitive soul. Make the choice now. Love is easy to give, but being on the receiving end? That’s really something beautiful.’
She pushed her glasses to the top of her head, brushing her fringe up with them. She looked younger than her fifty-seven years, her skin smooth and plump, her eyes bright and sparkling as she talked about her son.
‘I’ve made the choice. I know who I want,’ I said, desperately hoping that she would see into my heart to get the reassurance she needed.
‘I’m glad. You look good together. Cherish his love for what it is. Pure adoration.’
‘Hey! I thought you’d run away. Bloody hell, Mum! Have you forgotten her medication today?’ Ben was standing in the doorway cautiously watching us both. His arms were crossed causing his muscles to flex and he had a gorgeous hint of a tan, which suited his good looks. His demeanour had prompted Susan to stop talking. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been there or how much he’d heard, but the pull of his body centred me as we met in a reserved hug, the presence of his mum diluting our need for each other.
‘I hope you warned Elle about her before she came. Poor thing. Sorry about the orgasms and vibrators,’ she laughed.
‘She wants to see Elle. She said she didn’t raise you without manners, and to get her the fuck down the stairs.’
‘Talk about double standards!’ she said, letting out a frustrated breath as she made her way back downstairs.
I ran my hands across Ben’s back and inhaled. ‘You were right. She is Abi in sixty years’ time.’
He laughed and pulled me in closer. ‘Told you. She’s something else.’
‘Your stepdad isn’t here.’
‘No. He normally isn’t when I visit. I prefer it that way. We both do, I guess.’ He looked to the floor and started kicking his toes into the thick carpet but quickly shook himself out of whatever it was he was thinking and cradled my behind with his hands.
‘Do you and your mum ever talk about what happened?’ I asked, looking up to him as he squeezed the flesh and moaned quietly so that only I could hear him, a low message that he was ready to take me against the wall but was shackled by the setting and people milling about downstairs.
‘Never,’ he replied as he kissed my neck. My sweet spot. He knew a kiss there would cause my body to pulse.
‘That must be hard. I talk to my mum about everything.’
‘Everything?’
‘Well, not everything.’
He let out a gasp and jokingly wiped the back of his hand across his forehead. ‘Thank God for that. It’s traumatic enough that my grandmother talks about the size of my cock without adding your mum to the disturbing mix.’
Ben had done the usual deflecting tactic of making me laugh so hard I forgot my original question. He was so good at it he made it look flawless, seamless, and to the outside eye, totally normal.
I knew better.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ Ben’s grandma didn’t let me answer. ‘Susan tells me I have to apologise for giving you my opinion on the size of Ben’s family jewels, but I say fuck.’ I bit down on my finger so hard to stop myself from laughing I thought I was going to draw blood. ‘I saw your private parts enter this world, Ben. I’m better qualified than anyone to make a judgment on the size of them.’
Penis talk soon rolled on to another preferred topic of conversation for Ben’s grandma. Death. More specifically, her death. She firmly told Ben to start thinking about proposing to me because she didn’t have long left in the world and she wanted to see her youngest grandson get married before they carted her off in a coffin. She didn’t feel it was important that we’d only known each other for four months.
She proceeded to scare me with tales of childbirth that could have been made into a horror movie. She caught on to my terror and tried to reassure me that I was built for carrying babies because of my childbearing hips.
Thanks, Grandma.
‘Don’t look so horrified. When you are pushing a baby out of your hoo ha, you will thank God for childbearing hips.’
As we left, Susan hugged me and handed Ben her umbrella. ‘Make a dash for it. You’re going to get soaked!’
Ben linked his arm with mine and held the umbrella over my head, getting himself soaked in the process. He was a gentleman, always putting others first. We ran to his car and, in typical Elle style, I slipped on the wet driveway. He managed to hold me steady with his arm at the same time as slickly opening the passenger’s door for me, shielding me with the umbrella. I remained relatively dry, but he was soaked. Droplets of water dripped down his face, and his white shirt was now clinging to his skin.
‘Are you wet?’ he asked as he wiped the water from his forehead.
‘Do you want the boring answer or the dirty answer?’ I said, winking for added effect.
He moved his hand under my skirt and up towards the top of my thigh, dangerously close to the outline of my underwear. ‘Stop it. They’ll see!’ I said, pushing him away, conscious that his mum, grandma and brother were all standing at the window with wide smiles on their faces, waving us off innocently while their son, brother, and grandson was mauling me with his fingers.
‘Let them! There’s no shame in two insanely horny adults taking advantage of each other’s bodies,’ he growled, biting my ear. ‘I want you. Let me.’
I shook my head to shake the droplets from my fringe before ruffling his wet hair with my fingers.
‘They’re still there. We’d better go before their arms drop off,’ I said, turning to the window to see them all still standing in a line, smiling and waving politely.
‘Don’t judge me on my family,’ he said as we turned our heads towards the window. ‘I swear I’m the most normal one out of all of them.’
I couldn’t help but smile. After today, I was pretty sure that was completely and utterly true.
After meeting his family, we went back to his house to catch some much needed quiet time together. We lay on his bed, which was really the only thing we could do in such a small room. I didn’t mind. It meant I could squash up to him with our legs and arms entwined. It felt so natural to press my body against him. He welcomed close contact.
He always touched
me whenever he got the chance. Soft, gentle caresses, firm hand holding, or light sweeps of his fingers on exposed areas of skin. The tops of my thighs were a favourite of his, as were the backs of my legs and the skin exposed across my stomach when lifting my shoulders to yawn or stretch. If Ben was nearby, I would feel a kiss or a lingering touch.
I knew I would never grow tired of it.
When you’ve pulled yourself away from someone after peeling back the layers of yourself that can only be exposed in an intimate way, something changes. You grow harder and stand taller. You are more self aware and capable of loving even stronger than you did before. You make yourself vulnerable, but vulnerable in a good way. Ben could have me, all of me, all of the pieces that joined me together and assembled me, inside and out. He was one of the rare ones. His heart was so clear and open that I imagined taking off his shirt and finding it displayed in a glass dome across his chest, beating wildly with my initials etched on the side.
He kissed my neck and continued his affection down my shoulders and arms, lifting my hand and kissing the tips of my fingers until he held them against his cheek.
‘Elle, there’s something I want to talk to you about.’
‘Look, I really wasn’t offended when your grandma said I had child bearing hips,’ I said as I wore a faint smile for added effect. He laughed, but I could sense the serious tone to his voice. I pressed my head to his chest, purposely staying in that position to avoid eye contact. ‘Talk to me.’
He took a deep breath. I could hear his heart pounding as I lay with my ear pressed against it. ‘I haven’t been completely truthful with you, but I know it’s the right time now,’ he sighed deeply.
I closed my eyes to concentrate on my own heartbeat in a valiant attempt to steady myself. Was this the moment my heart was about to be shattered into a million tiny splinters and shavings that I would never be able to put back together?
‘I’ve kept it to myself for lots of reasons. Fear, embarrassment, a little bit of self-protection.’
‘Is it bad?’ I whispered, still avoiding moving from the safe place against his chest.
‘No, beautiful, I’m not your ex.’
He moved me gently away from his chest by my elbows and sat up. I followed behind him, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist.
‘When we met, I was so happy. But nerves were mixed with that happiness. I wanted to make you fall in love with me, but I was so conscious that you’d been hurt before and I knew you needed to build up trust and go slowly.’
‘We have gone slowly. You didn’t give up on me,’ I laughed in an attempt to lighten the mood.
‘I wasn’t sure how to tell you at first, so I made the choice to just bury it away. But as time’s gone on, it’s been harder and harder to be truthful. No, that’s not the right word. It’s been harder to be open about it.’
‘You’re starting to scare me.’
‘Don’t be scared,’ he said, turning to face me as he pushed my hair behind my ear.
‘Just tell me,’ I pleaded on a whisper.
I heard a long deep sigh. ‘Before we met, I was lonely. I just wanted to find someone to share things with. I feel like I’ve been staring at these four walls for years. It’s lonely here, coming home and sitting in this room every night. I grew to hate my life,’ he stuttered, tripping over his words.
I wanted to calm him, to soothe him and say the words for him, but I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. I chose to stroke my hand in circles across his back instead, still shocked at his strong use of words.
‘There hasn’t been anyone. Ever,’ he said, looking to the floor.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I haven’t had a serious relationship. A string of dating disasters, yes! But nothing long-term. I thought you would think I was some kind of freak, so I didn’t tell you.’
‘That’s OK. I’m not judging you.’
If anything, I liked that he hadn’t been in many relationships.
‘Then you told me the story about Luke and him being your first. You said you wanted perfection but settled for him to feel normal.’ He cupped my face with his hands. ‘I knew you’d be upset when I told you because it was all you wanted.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘When we met…shit…’
He shook his head and his eyes fell down. ‘We have such similar stories…’
I followed his eyes, trying desperately to understand what he was saying to me.
‘I was a virgin. When we met, I was a virgin.’
I let his words sink in. Sorrow and anguish worked their way from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. I shivered and felt the cold droplets of tears on my cheeks.
‘I wanted to tell you, but I could never find the right time. I knew that I had my perfection but you didn’t. I didn’t settle. I could have done, but fuck, I’m so glad I didn’t because I got the best. I got you.’
I let out a sob and collapsed into his arms.
‘I knew you would be upset,’ he whispered into my shoulder as he wrapped himself around me. We rocked together as I cried. He didn’t speak. He just let me take in everything he had said and allowed me to grieve for what we could have been if only I had met him first.
A million thoughts rushed through my head. Particularly Mum’s words trying to instil that I was wasting my time waiting for perfection.
‘Perfection doesn’t really exist. No one in this world is perfect. If you’re waiting to find a man with the same temperament as you, with the same interests, let me tell you, he won’t be a virgin.’
But there he was, his strong arms cradling me, the warmth of his body wrapped around mine trying to stop my shivers, his soothing words consuming me.
‘What are you thinking?’ He wiped my tears away with his thumb and kissed my shoulder.
‘I’m thinking I wish I’d met you first.’
‘No, you needed to go through that. We needed to. It was meant to be that way. Do you think you would’ve taken a chance on that dating site if it wasn’t for the experience you gained through Luke?’ he asked. I shook my head. ‘What else are you thinking, beautiful?’
I narrowed my eyes and smiled shyly as he ran his hand down my back. ‘I’m wondering how you hid it from me. You’ve got some moves, Mr Newman!’ He gave my words a throaty laugh.
‘Intuition, Ms Davis,’ he winked. ‘And nervous energy.’
We talked for the rest of the evening. We both let our guards down. We cried, we laughed, and we loved. He explained the reasons he had kept his virginity for as long as he did. As he talked, it was like listening to myself. The similarities were far too striking to be ignored.
His insecurities and self-doubt during his teenage years led to him becoming shy, so he’d withdrawn from chasing girls. He admitted to the odd drunken escapade, including a night of skinny-dipping on a beach in Ibiza. He also admitted that his shy stories of masturbation and pearl necklaces were highly exaggerated.
The older he became, the more he wanted the fairy tale. Girl meets boy, they fall in love and live happily ever after. He just wanted to meet the one girl. One girl to share his life with. One girl to let in. One girl to give his virginity to.
He met me.
Fairy tale almost complete…
We talked about his childhood, his parents’ separation, and the huge challenges in his relationship with his stepdad. I felt that there was so much more to this story, but I was certain he would tell me more when he was ready. Ben was a protector, so I knew he was only protecting his mum. He didn’t want me to judge her after telling me her secrets. I told him I wouldn’t judge. Everyone has their own stories to tell and battles to fight.
We held each other, our hands exploring our bodies. I had never felt so needed or loved. He made me believe that holding me was all he needed to function, live, breathe and heal.
He handed me an envelope. On the front, he had written my name. ‘I wanted to be honest with how I was feeling and I can express that
much better through my writing, so I wanted to give you this.’
Elle,
I never thought I would meet someone as special as you.
In you, I’ve found someone I could happily give my whole heart to with no hesitation or fear.
I’ve always known that I would be safe in your hands.
You’re the most amazing, beautiful and precious thing in my life. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.
Love can be many things.
Love is the pride I feel when I stand by your side or walk hand in hand with you as I watch people notice you.
Love is how complete I feel when I’m holding you, and how much I miss you when you are gone.
Love is the feeling I experience when you light up the room with your smile.
Love is something I’ve wanted all my life, so I’m holding on to it with everything I have.
What I’ve wanted to say so many times and for longer than you will ever know is that I love you.
I always have.
Forever yours
Ben
I could hear Ben’s slow breaths behind me. He wasn’t touching me. He was cautiously holding back until he could see my reaction.
‘I’ve fallen in love with you.’ He brought his written words to life on his lips, and I had never felt so alive.
‘I’ve fallen in love with you too.’
I realised then that it didn’t matter to me that Ben hadn’t been my first. I knew that I’d had to go through my journey to be able to love with every breath in my body. I had been hurt, but that only reminded me of the perfection I had always craved. Ben taught me to love without regret and that if something was meant to be, you wouldn’t have to fight for it, it would come easily and feel natural.
With Luke, I often wondered if trying to find total perfection in a relationship was like taking a journey with no final destination. The journey could be fun, life changing, and knee tremblingly amazing, but ultimately, total perfection with Luke remained a destination I would never be able to reach. If I had held out for it, I would have continued travelling on the journey indefinitely, without a map or guide for help.
Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1) Page 30
