by E M Lindsey
Ryan hit the button to switch the car off, then curled his hand around Cole’s wrist and pulled it down to tangle their fingers together. “I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t bother me, but I also know this isn’t your fault. Will you ever be able to let me know, though?”
“I don’t…” Cole let out a ragged breath. “Maybe,” he conceded.
It would have to be enough. Ryan got out of the car and came around to let Cole take the back of his arm, and they headed in to finish shopping. The list wasn’t overly long, but the contents made Ryan wonder how long they were staying for. These weren’t vacation items, which meant it was going to be an extended stay. He knew things with Cole and his daughter’s mother were complicated, and he knew that he was nervous having them in his home.
They were standing in the toothbrush aisle as Ryan tried to find the ones listed on the paper, when Cole suddenly cleared his throat and reached out to grab Ryan’s arm. “I didn’t know she was married,” he said.
Ryan froze, his hand halfway out for a multi-pack box of store-brand brushes, and he turned. “What?”
“Isabel,” he clarified. “I didn’t know she was married. I didn’t know she was bloody dating anyone.”
Ryan felt something hot and uncomfortable—almost like jealousy—curl to life in his gut. “That bothers you?”
Cole looked surprised suddenly, tightening his grip on Ryan’s arm. “No not…I don’t care that she’s with someone else. It’s only…she wanted to cut me out of Claire’s life. She took one look at my face and was afraid I would scar her for life. It’s been almost two years now, and I wonder…” He trailed off, his voice showing a new sort of tension, and Ryan couldn’t help himself, stepping right up against him and touching his wrist. “What did she tell Claire about me? Did she warn her about how terrible I look? Has she been trying to replace me, so Claire has a normal dad to turn to when she sees all of…of this?” he waved his hands at his eyelids.
“What she did is not okay,” Ryan said fiercely. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching up, from brushing his thumb along the top of Cole’s soft eyelid. “Your daughter is not going to be terrified of you.”
“I know how children react,” Cole started.
“Yes. Sometimes they do, and not every kid is like Maggie. Not all of them are used to growing up around people who look different than the people they see in school or on TV. But it doesn’t mean she can’t adjust, and it doesn’t mean she needs to be protected from a dad who loves her. I don’t know what the fuck got into her mother, but you have the opportunity now to take control of this situation and show both Isabel and Claire—and this guy, whoever he is—that you’re the same dad as before. More present, even,” Ryan added, “because you’re here now. You’re not active duty, you’re not being called away.”
“Right,” Cole said softly. His jaw was tense, but he nodded. “It’s just…”
“It scares you, because the one person you don’t want to be afraid of you might be,” Ryan finished for him.
Cole offered a smile. “Something like that, yeah.”
“If she is, she’ll get over it,” Ryan insisted again, grabbing him by the shoulders gently. “And I know you have no choice but to trust other people when they tell you how you look, but there’s nothing frightening about you. Yes, you can see the scars, and yes, it is obvious you don’t have eyes any longer, but you’re just as gorgeous now as you were before.”
Cole huffed a quiet laugh and shook his head. “You’ve no idea what I looked like before.”
“So?” Ryan demanded. “I’m…insightful. I know things.”
Cole’s laugh was a bit louder and he wrapped his hand around the back of Ryan’s neck and drew him in for a kiss. “Thank you. I don’t feel any better about all of this, but you made me smile and that counts for something.”
Ryan rolled his eyes and shoved at him a little. “You’re kind of an ass, but I like you that way. Now come on, let’s get this over with. The sooner we get our chores done, the sooner we can spend the rest of the night in bed while I try to make you forget all the reasons you’re nervous.”
Cole grinned widely and reached for the cart. “Okay. I do like the sound of that.”
10.
The shopping trip went without a hitch, the security system was installed and easy for Cole to use, though the presence of it only added to Ryan’s suspicions. Still, he knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere with the other man, so he let it go in favor of taking a long shower, giving a thorough blow job, then having Cole pound him into the mattress before they passed out.
Ryan had court in the morning, so he said goodbye to Cole early with a long kiss and a promise to come by as soon as Cole gave him the word that he was welcome. His guests would be arriving sometime Wednesday, and Ryan didn’t want to impose as they all got settled.
Which was how he found himself sinking down on the stairs of Wes’ deck, reaching for the beer Wes was handing him. As the warm body settled next to his, Ryan leaned back on his elbows and stared off beyond the fence at the horizon now glowing with the sunset.
“I thought you and Cole were a thing,” Wes said after a few minutes of silence.
Ryan lifted his brows as he glanced over. “I…well. I mean, we’re…it’s a thing, I guess.” He felt like an idiot, unable to make sense of what they really were, not willing to put a label on it, but he couldn’t deny Cole consumed most of his thoughts. “I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it.”
“So why are you here, then?” Wes asked with heavy implications in his tone.
Ryan blinked, then realized what Wes was trying to say. “Jesus, man. No, I don’t want…I’m not here to fuck you. Besides, you and Anna have that thing with Connie. I told you I understood.”
Wes’ expression fell a little and he sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Well, that’s going through some stuff right now. She left.”
Ryan coughed a little, choking on his swallow of beer, and he sat up. “Shit, man. What happened? She seemed happy last time I saw her.”
Wes dragged a hand down his face, groaning, and then pressed down on his thighs which started to spasm. Ryan winced, knowing the spasms usually happened after working his lower half too much, but also when things were really stressful. “Some shit with Mike again. Showed up at her therapist’s office, cornered her at her car. Cops got called but didn’t arrest him, and she kind of freaked. She went to go spend some time with her mom up in Washington.”
“Is she coming back?” Ryan asked quietly.
Wes heaved another sigh, twisting his beer between both hands as his legs calmed down. “I don’t know. She wouldn’t give either of us an answer. I didn’t think I’d be this upset, but…shit. It feels like my heart is breaking.”
Ryan reached over and pulled Wes in for a one-armed hug. “If there’s anything I can do…”
Wes shook his head. “Nah, man. I mean, this is great. Maggie’s been in a mood lately, and Anna’s taking it really hard, so I think this is what I needed.” He sat back a little and stretched his legs out which were still jumpy, but not as bad. “Tell me what’s up with you. You say didn’t come here to fuck, and I can tell you didn’t come to shoot the shit, so talk to me.”
Ryan shook his head, staring down at the half-gone bottle between his hands. “There’s something up with Cole. Something he’s not telling me. He has some shit going on, and I know a fraction of it, and even that I’ve been sworn to secrecy. It’s not really my place to ask but…”
“If you two are in a relationship, it’s absolutely your place to ask about something he’s keeping from you,” Wes pointed out.
Ryan licked his lips and rubbed his hand through his hair. “That’s just it. We’re not committed or anything. I like him. I like him so fucking much and if I thought for a minute he’d be into it, I think I’d ask him to be with me. Exclusively. But he’s made it pretty clear that’s not on the table.”
“Then you need to decide if it’s worth it,�
�� Wes told him. “I like the guy a lot, and it’s obvious he’s been through some shit and will have a mountain more to climb as he adjusts to his injury and life as a civilian but…”
“Do you think he would have stayed enlisted?” Ryan interrupted, voicing his suspicion. “Is that even possible?”
Wes frowned. “It could be, I guess. Guy wasn’t combat, so if he had adaptive technology to keep doing his job, I think he could be. Why do you ask?”
“Just…a gut feeling,” Ryan said. Which wasn’t really a lie. He didn’t have any hard evidence telling him otherwise, but he had also trained most of his adult life to read between the lines and spot when people were coloring the truth, and Cole was definitely keeping something from him.
“Then that’s a different story,” Wes told him. “If he’s active but keeping it on the DL, then there might be more to this guy than any of us know.”
Ryan’s lips thinned and he sat back and looked up at the darkening sky. It was frigid out, but the old air was helping him stay focused. “What do you think?”
“About whether or not he’s active duty?” Wes asked, and Ryan nodded. He let out a puff of air. “I think a guy like Cole would jump at the chance to stay active duty. Being taken out with an injury that changes your entire life…it’s not something anyone’s ever prepared for. When your life changes, when you become disabled, you have to work harder than you ever thought you could just to accomplish tasks you once took for granted. Being offered the chance to prove you can still do all that shit, that whatever happened to you doesn’t take away from who you are and what you’re capable of, it would be impossible to say no to.”
Ryan licked his lips, then glanced over at Wes. “Would you do it? If they offered you the chance to re-enlist, would you?”
“No,” Wes said without a moment of hesitation. “I loved my time, and I’m not bitter about my legs anymore, but I got a life here. A real good one. I’ve spent the last several years proving to myself and everyone else that I haven’t been taken out of the game and I don’t need to put my life on the line to do it. I got my wife, my kid, a new one on the way.” Wes let out a breath and smiled so serenely, it made Ryan ache with happiness and envy. “I’m good. I don’t think Cole is active duty. If he is, he’s a fucking good actor. But I wouldn’t totally discount it either, and I would understand why he would stay.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” Ryan admitted. “I want more, but I don’t know if he’s going to stay, I don’t know what he wants for the future. Hell, I never thought I’d ever meet someone I wanted to be with until I met him. Now he’s keeping me at arm’s length and I just…fuck,” he breathed out.
Wes took Ryan’s hand and kissed his knuckles, a sweet, unexpected gesture that shocked Ryan out of his melancholy for a moment. “You deserve to be happy, Ryan. You know I love you to death and I’ll never stop. You’re one of the sexiest men I have ever met, and a good man too. You don’t give yourself enough credit most days, and I know for a fact you deserve this with Cole. So, you gotta decide if this is what you want, if he’s worth the struggle. Because it’s obviously going to be a struggle.”
“I guess I need time to figure that out,” Ryan said.
“Well from where I’m sitting, you have time,” Wes said with a grin. “Let’s drink on it, and let me enjoy this peace and quiet before…”
“Daddeeeeeee!”
Wes dropped his chin to his chest. “Well. That.”
***
Cole felt sick with nerves as he paced his lounge. Kevin was following him like it was a game, but Cole couldn’t bring himself to relax enough to play. He’d just gotten the text letting him know that Isabel was on her way, and the ETA was less than half an hour. That had been twenty-five minutes prior, so any second, he would be hearing a car pull up, and the sound of feet on his walkway.
And then his daughter would be there. He reached up for the hundredth time to feel his wrap-around shades, knowing they covered a good portion of his face, and his fringe was now long enough he could wear it swept over his forehead to cover the rest of the scarring. Long sleeves hid the compression sleeve on his arm, and he hoped that at the very least he at least looked like the man Claire once-knew.
He recalled with vivid clarity the last time he’d seen her. He’d been in Sheffield for her dance recital—an entire weekend to himself. He’d watched her prance on the stage as a little Sugar Plum Fairy, her tutu wide and twinkling under the stage lights.
After that, Isabel had okayed a trip to London to stay at a hotel Cole had saved up for with a giant tub with jacuzzi jets and within three stops from the Zoo. They’d spent most of the day staring at the rhinos, Claire’s favorite exhibit, and then dinner at Billie and Bob’s which was hell on his ears from all the singing and shouting, and his stomach had rebelled at the terrible pizza, but she had loved every second.
It was the sort of father he had wanted to be. But less than a year later he’d been in hospital, and he would never actually see her again. And Isabel had made it clear there would be no visits. Ever. Now things had changed, and he knew this was happening simply because Isabel had no other choice but to seek protection where no one knew who he was.
His stomach twisted and part of him wanted to run. There was no one there to stop him. He could do it, and Ryan would probably help if he only picked up his phone and…
The sound of a car door slam jolted him back to reality. He could hear voices rising and falling, a woman and a man, a small-high pitched tone of a young child. The gravel in his driveway crunched underfoot and then the sounds of feet approaching the door.
Cole tensed up and snapped his fingers. “Attend.” The dog was at his side, and he put him in the harness mostly to ground himself because the last thing he wanted was to trip over something due to nerves and prove Isabel’s belief that he was incapable now that he couldn’t see.
There was a long moment when Cole heard nothing—maybe Isabel had panicked, changed her mind, and turned back—and then the bell rang. Cole forced himself to face this with all the courage he could summon. He approached the door, turned the handle, and let it open.
He was met with utter silence, which was the last thing he was prepared to cope with. Then a small voice said, “Daddy?”
Cole’s heart wrenched in his chest like someone had plowed through his ribs and squeezed it. He licked his lips. “Hello, sweetheart. Please, come in.” He stepped aside, holding Kevin with one hand and the door handle with the other, and he felt the brass knob heat under the sweat of his palm.
He could smell when Isabel passed him, her perfume the same as it had been, and then an earthy scent of masculine cologne. He couldn’t tell when Claire had passed, but knowing she was in his house now almost overwhelmed him.
Before he could close the door, another body passed by and came to stop in front of him. “Major Price,” the voice said, a northern accent, “I’m Lieutenant-General Houghton. I’ve been assigned as your family’s escort.”
Cole saluted the man, assuming he was being saluted as well, then offered his hand to shake. “Pleasure. Are you coming in? I could put the kettle on.”
“I’m afraid I’m due in for a debriefing, but I wanted to let you know I’ll be about for the next week should anything come up or the situation change.”
Cole nodded, not sure exactly how the possibility of Isabel and Claire leaving really made him feel, but he knew he had little control. “Well, feel free to pop in at any time, sir.”
“Will do, Major. Don’t hesitate to ring me up if needed.”
Cole didn’t bother telling the man he didn’t have his number, assuming that Isabel or her husband did. He showed the Lieutenant-General to the door, then closed and locked the deadbolt, feeling a strange, looming threat now that they were here. Their presence made the entire thing too real, too terrifying, the danger no longer abstract.
They had arrived because people who had been with Cole during the explosion and survived were now dying. And Cole
’s name could be on that list, along with the people he loved. He took a breath, shook himself out of it, then directed Kevin to the lounge where he assumed everyone was waiting.
“Cole,” Isabel breathed out the moment he walked through the archway.
Cole stiffened. “Isabel. I’m assuming you’ve all had a seat.”
“Yes, I…your armchair is free,” she said, her voice hesitant like she didn’t know how to talk to him. Strangely, he appreciated the direction and had Kevin walk him to the chair.
“Daddy?” Claire said, and he heard Isabel try to shush her, but when it didn’t work, he couldn’t help but smile. “Why’ve you got a dog like that?”
Cole had answered this question from random children several dozen times before now without an issue, but realizing he had to explain it to his daughter because her mother hadn’t was like a punch to the gut.
“I told you those questions are rude,” Isabel hissed.
“No, they’re not. It’s fine, she should understand,” Cole said, deciding to take charge as Ryan reminded him, he did hold some power. He reached out and put his hand on Kevin’s head, who rested his snout on Cole’s thigh. “This is Kevin, and he’s a guide dog. Do you know what that is?”
“We learnt about those dogs in school,” Claire said excitedly. “They help blind people get around on busses and on the tube and to shops and…” Her voice suddenly went quiet, and when she spoke again, there was a slight tremor. “Daddy? Why have you got one?”
“Well love,” Cole began.
“Is this necessary?” Isabel hissed at him.
Cole’s jaw tightened. “I’m not sure how it isn’t since she’s going to be staying here with me. I don’t plan on using gory details.” He swallowed thickly and when Isabel didn’t protest again, he said, “There was an accident. You know how I’m Marine, love?”
