by E M Lindsey
He shook himself out of his thoughts as Cole moved away from him and toward the kitchen, so Ryan piled everything on the sofa and followed.
***
Halfway through Princess and the Frog, Claire passed out between them both, her head resting on Ryan’s ribs, feet in Cole’s lap. Ryan reached up and touched the little plastic tiara on his head and burst into giggles. He attempted to stifle them with the side of his fist, but Cole instantly heard and turned toward him.
“Fit of madness?” he murmured.
Ryan tried to control his giggles. “Just thinking about what literally anyone from my past would say if they saw me like this. Watching a Disney movie, a little girl curled up against my side, wearing a goddamn fake tiara and actually invested in Tiana and Naveen getting their happy ending.”
Cole let out a low chuckle of his own, shaking his head. “I reckon they’d find it sweet.”
“Then they’d quickly start to question my sanity or sobriety, because this is not me,” Ryan said, instantly regretting his words when Cole’s face fell. “I don’t,” he started, shaking his head. He shifted, trying not to wake the small girl. “I don’t mean I don’t enjoy it, or I’m somewhere I don’t want to be. Just…this was never me.”
Cole licked his lips, then laid his head back against the mountain of pillows and cushions propping them up. “I get it. It took me a while to adjust to this being part of my life, but it was never something that seemed permanent until now. Only…”
Ryan waited, and when Cole remained silent, he carefully nudged his foot. “Only?”
“Only, I don’t think Isabel’s going to let that happen. And eventually she’ll go back home, and I’ll still be here.”
As much as it killed him to say it, Ryan couldn’t stop himself from blurting out, “Surely there are tech jobs back in England so you can be close to her.”
“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Cole said very softly.
Yet another moment where suspicion flared to life, and Ryan bit the inside of his cheek to make himself stay silent.
The night crawled to an end after that, and there was a tension between them which had become tangible. Cole was unwilling to talk about it, and though they kissed each other good night and curled up in the shared space with arms around each other, sleep was elusive.
Ryan was grateful when Cole didn’t stir as he extracted himself from the warm embrace, and he crept out of the room, heading for the kitchen. He hadn’t bothered to check the time, but it felt late. Their mess of a half-built cushion fort was still spread out in the living room, but the house was dark and dead silent. He made his way to the kitchen, then came to a stuttering halt when he found the large form of Isabel’s husband at the small table, curled over a plate of leftovers, a glass of something dark-amber in his hand.
He didn’t look entirely surprised to see Ryan there, giving him a careful smile. “I hope I didn’t wake you,” he said.
Ryan shook his head. “Not at all. My head’s always kind of busy. Insomnia, you know?”
“I do. It has been worse for me, coming here away from home and work.” René took a long drink, then pushed himself up. “Would you like one? I picked up something nice from the shop on our way home tonight. My one vice Isabel hates, but…” He trailed off with a shrug.
“I think I’ll go for a beer, actually,” Ryan said and went for the fridge. Cole had some of the ale Ryan had given him a few weeks before, and he grabbed one off the shelf. When he turned back, René had resumed his seat, then gestured to the one across from him at the table.
Ryan wasn’t sure he wanted to get to know this man, but at the same time, it was a good idea if he was going to be sticking around. He wasn’t sure about that now—how could he keep this up if half of Cole’s life was hidden from him, but he’d go out fighting. He liked the other man far too much. He pulled a chair out as quietly as he could and eased down.
There was a moment of awkward silence, then René chuckled. “Sorry, I think I forget how to be social with new people. I do my work…out of the office? From wherever I am. There’s an English term for it, yes?”
“Remote,” Ryan said. “We call it a remote position. You work on the computer or through the phone, things like that.”
René nodded. “That, yes. I have been doing this a long time. I think it took me almost two weeks to learn how to tell Isabel I find her beautiful.”
Ryan chuckled a little and took a drink of the beer. “Yeah, I get that. My brother’s always been so suave, you know? Just…he could charm anyone, any time. I was never great at that.”
“But you won the attention of Cole,” René pointed out.
Ryan huffed a little and shook his head. “That was all him being adorable and sweet, and not minding that I’m basically a walking disaster. I got lucky.”
“You seem to be very fond of him. It is…not the match I expected,” René said. When Ryan narrowed his eyes at him, René lifted his hands in surrender. “Only what Isabel told me about him. He didn’t seem to be a sort of man who would stay in one place. Into a relationship.”
Ryan felt his face burn a little and was glad the kitchen was lit with a very low light. “Yeah. Uh. Well…it worked out the way it did,” he said without wanting to admit too much.
René tapped his chin a little. “I know Isabel is wary, for Claire’s sake. Not just for Cole, but for anyone. This is a strange situation we find ourselves in, and I understand her caution.”
Ryan wanted to grab the man by the front of his shirt and shake him until he spilled everything, but his intuition told him to stay quiet and just let the guy talk. “It must be tough.”
René let out a soft laugh. “It is never easy, being torn from your home, not understanding danger. I never expected this. When she told me he was assigned to the US I assumed that was it, we never see him again, and now this.” He spread his hands with a shrug. “But we make the best of it.”
Licking his lips, Ryan said, “Military life is always tough.”
René looked surprised. “You are familiar with it? Were you…”
“Oh,” Ryan said and laughed, “no, not me. But my friend runs a boxing studio and they do a lot of work with disabled veterans. He’s one—he was in an armored car that was attacked on one of his tours. He was paralyzed from the waist down.”
René’s eyes widened. “And yet he is boxing?”
“He worked really hard to be able to walk again,” Ryan said, a note of pride in his tone he was unable to help. He had just met Wes when he’d taken his first, shaky steps on the walker. “Not everyone can do it, but he works his ass off making sure people can retain that sense of independence and pride in themselves regardless of their level of ability. I think it’s been a huge help for Cole.”
René looked surprised again. “He is doing boxing?”
“Yeah, he trains with my best friend’s boyfriend and there’s going to be a tournament soon. I’m…I’m surprised he didn’t say anything,” Ryan admitted, wondering just how used to hiding Cole was. It made him a little uneasy.
“I think maybe he doesn’t trust us with the people he cares about,” René said. He gave Ryan a sweet, charming smile, and Ryan wondered if Cole might not be so uneasy about the guy if he spent a little more time getting to know him. “I don’t blame him. Isabel has been very hard on him.”
“Yeah,” Ryan breathed out. “It’s…I’m not gonna lie, man, it makes me angry. Cole deserves better.”
“She is strong-willed and means well. She’s maybe unsure how to feel about it all,” René said. “I will keep talking to her. I want Cole to have a relationship with his daughter. Someday, when he comes home…”
Ryan felt his heart twist so hard he wondered if it would stop beating.
“…things will be easier between them.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said, his voice getting stuck in his throat. He cleared it, then finished off the last of his beer. “I should head back to bed, see if I can catch a few hours be
fore the morning. It was great talking to you.”
René tipped his glass to Ryan, then went back to his brooding as Ryan left the room and headed back for Cole. He was welcomed into the bed with a sleepy murmur and searching hands, but where they had once comforted him, now left Ryan feeling bereft. He knew he had no right to feel this way—they weren’t together—but he was starting to realize just what that was costing him.
13.
Cole couldn’t deny the distance growing between him and Ryan after movie night with Claire. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was he said or did, but something had wedged itself between them and Cole could all-but feel the rift as a tangible thing. It made him ache deep behind his ribs, a clawing pain he wanted to soothe by taking Ryan in his arms and telling him they could have forever, and it didn’t need to be like this.
Only, he couldn’t do that. He was sworn to secrecy on far too many things, and keeping a lover in the dark was one thing, but a partner? Cole had never been good at relationships—had never really had a proper one—but even he knew he couldn’t do that. Ryan deserved better.
Maybe, in the end, it would be for the best. Ryan would drift away and find someone who could be totally open with him, and Cole would continue to live his life as it was.
“Major?” came a familiar voice in Cole’s doorway.
Cole paused the script he was running and tilted his head up. “Afternoon, sir.”
Taber snorted a quiet laugh and Cole heard the chair shift as he sat. “Always so formal, Cole.”
Cole couldn’t help his shrug. “Training, I reckon. You might not hold rank, but you’re my superior. Is there something I can do for you?”
“I just wanted to check in. It’s been a long week for you and even though I’ve gone over reports from the security team, I wanted to hear it from you. No issues?”
“Nothing more than learning to adjust,” Cole assured him.
“And is it more difficult than you predicted?” Taber pressed.
Cole shrugged, leaning back in his chair. “Sometimes, but not always. My daughter surprised me more than anything. I…I hadn’t taken my shades off with her until the other night. I thought she might be put off by the look, but she didn’t seem to notice.”
“Not much difference in your face now,” Taber said.
Cole opened his mouth to reply, then frowned. How would he know? His file, most likely, but the comment sat strangely. “All the same, it was a relief she wasn’t bothered,” he finally said, choosing to ignore it.
Taber sighed. “I know that attack was rough on you. I can’t imagine anyone who lived through it fared better than you, no matter the extent of their physical injuries. Only a very brave man could walk away from it, even if he had once been lying on his belly, calling out to God to let him die.”
“It was senseless,” Cole said quietly. “The information I had uncovered ended up being a ploy, and we got away with nothing.”
“Mm,” Taber said. There was something in his tone Cole picked up on, something…not quite right, and it made his gut twist unpleasantly. “Nothing, indeed.”
“Is there something I don’t know about the attack, sir? Something my superiors told you?”
Cole couldn’t help the question. He had a sudden feeling Taber was holding back on him, and Cole had no real memory to draw upon. He’d been stunned from the roll-over, then the gas had burned his eyes blind almost immediately. He could remember the feeling of the skin on his face peeling, and then he’d gone in and out of consciousness. He only knew about the fire ravaging his arm because they’d told him at the hospital—he’d been in such shock that even though he felt his rescue, he hadn’t felt the flames eating at his arm until well after he was away. But…he also remembered begging God to let him die as he lay there. Only the man who pulled him from the flames would have heard that, though. Unless…unless others had been around. But Taber couldn’t have been. Someone must have told him.
Clearly others remembered the accident. And maybe they had come across something and decided it was best Cole didn’t know.
Taber had been silent a long while, then he blew out a puff of air. “Nothing you don’t already know, I’m sure, Major. I should head out, I just wanted to check in.”
Cole heard him rise, and couldn’t find the words to make him stay, couldn’t find a reason to get the man talking. He was certain Taber knew something—something more than he claimed, and it killed him not to be able to interrogate. It was unsettling at best, and he didn’t quite know what to do. But if that was the case, if Taber was holding out on him and his superiors were keeping him in the dark, Cole had to uncover the truth. Otherwise, how the hell would he be able to protect his family if he didn’t know what was at stake?
***
His knuckles rapped on the solid metal doorframe. He knew Wes was inside after hearing him humming and clacking away at his computer, and he held his cane tight in his hand. “Are you busy?”
“Never too busy for a chat. You want to come in?” Wes’ voice was inviting, and Cole heard him push to stand.
“I have something…” His gut twisted with the discomfort of disobedience. He’d been trained nearly his entire adult life to follow orders, to do exactly what was asked of him and never ask questions. Ever. But if he’d been misled—allowed to be blinded and ravaged and still kept in the dark—who could he trust? Wes was former military, and there was something about him that told Cole he could trust this man. With anything. He stepped in, using his cane to verify there was nothing directly in his path, then shut the door behind him. “I need to speak with you, but we cannot be overheard. It is…I can’t find the words to explain how important it is.”
“Right,” Wes said. Cole heard his slightly uneven gait as he crossed the room toward him. “This might not be the place, then. You know I got security all over, and if it’s as important as you say it is…”
“It’s more,” Cole pressed.
“Come with me. We can take a drive if you’re up for it,” Wes said. Cole felt Wes’ elbow touch his arm, and he reached for it, allowing the taller man to lead the way out. They took the back door which was a relief, not having to explain where they were off to, and he followed Wes’ careful steps through the alley and into the employee parking area.
“My truck’s just in front of you. The handle’s kind of high, maybe at your chest. You want me to grab it for you?” Wes offered.
“I’ve got it,” Cole said. He used his cane to find the truck, then trailed his hand along the seam of the door until he found the handle. It opened easily and he hoisted himself inside. It felt strange—he could feel how high up from the ground he was, and it was slightly unsettling, especially when the truck roared to life under them.
Wes was cautious as he pulled out onto the street, and he drove several minutes before he spoke again. “I think we’re good. You okay?”
Cole licked his lips. “I don’t know. This have been…there are things I haven’t been able to say,” he started, “but I’m starting to worry that the people I trust are all the wrong people.”
“You mean us?” Wes asked, caution in his tone.
Cole shook his head. “I mean that I might not be entirely out of commission as I’ve led you to believe, but I’m not sure those in charge of my current employment are people I should have in charge of my family’s safety.”
“Well,” Wes said, and blew out a heavy breath. “Shit. So, you’re active duty.”
“I didn’t say that,” Cole replied, then added, “but I also didn’t not say that.”
“Got it.”
“I understand how important loyalty is,” Cole went on. “Believe me when I say I’ve been loyal to my country and my military for as long as I can remember. But my daughter…” His voice cracked a little.
“I’m a dad,” Wes reminded him. “I don’t give a shit who I’ve pledged myself to. I will burn down the world if it meant saving my kid.”
Cole swallowed thickly and nodded. “She�
�s here, along with her mother and her step-father because of all this. When I was injured, we were following a lead which was meant to bring us some intelligence. It turned out to be a false lead. Or so I thought. My boss today—an American man who is not military—he made a comment about my rescue.”
“Your rescue?” Wes asked.
Cole dragged a hand down his face, rubbing at his eyelids and hating how soft they were, how vulnerable it made him feel. “When I…after we were overturned, I was trapped. The gas hit, blinding me instantly. I felt every single thing at first. God, it took so long for it to go numb.” Cole stopped a moment when his voice started to shake. “I wasn’t really…I didn’t have control. I was burning, I couldn’t see, I started begging God to just let me die, let it end. Eventually my body went into shock, but there wasn’t anyone around except the person who pulled me out. I don’t think my boss should know that.”
“Maybe,” Wes said slowly, his tone saying he didn’t quite believe his own words, “maybe he put himself in your position. I think any man might beg for death in a situation like that.”
“Perhaps,” Cole said, but he didn’t believe that either.
“What are you asking me here?” Wes pressed on.
Cole swallowed thickly. “What I tell you must stay between us. I don’t know what would happen to me or my family if word got out.”
“Alright,” Wes said, but before Cole went on, he said, “How about I guess, and you don’t have to confirm or deny anything. What if I guess that you’re still working for the Marines? Maybe even an active member?”
Cole let out a small cough.
“I think you might be involved in some sensitive work that puts yourself and your family in danger,” Wes said. “And I think that I would understand, because I had been made a similar offer, but I couldn’t take it. After my spinal injury, after seeing my wife’s face like that, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Cowardly but…”
