by E M Lindsey
Ryan felt his stomach twist. He’d met gay men like that before, it happened all too often, and he felt like shit that his brother had been suffering in silence for so long. “I don’t think that way. I’m sorry anyone ever made you feel like that.”
Rhys shook his head. “It’s fine. I mean, it isn’t, but that’s not the real issue here. I like this guy a lot. More than I thought I was going to, but it’s complicated.”
“Because of Barnes?”
“He’s staying with me right now,” Rhys confessed. “He’s been evicted from his place because of that asshole, and he’s too afraid if he makes a single move to put his life back on track, his information is going to go public.”
Ryan desperately wanted to know the big secret, but he wasn’t an asshole. He knew he had no right to the information. “I’m sorry. I wish we could do more.”
“I was hoping you could. That friend of yours that helped Noah?”
Ryan felt his throat tighten and he had to clear it before he was able to speak again. “He’s gone.”
Rhys’ eyes widened. “Seriously? I thought you two were…”
“No,” Ryan said swiftly. “I thought maybe, but then he left after all that shit went down. His place is abandoned, his phone is disconnected. He probably took his kid and got the fuck out of his country after everything he went through. I can’t blame him.”
Rhys looked pained, his hands flexing like he wanted to reach for him, and Ryan was grateful he didn’t. He wasn’t sure he could take the comfort right then. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry,” Ryan added. “If I could help, you know I would.”
Shaking his head, Rhys took a step away, dragging his hand through his hair. “It’s fine. We’ll figure something out. I’ve just never felt this…ineffective before. I’ve always been able to come up with something. I mean, apart from when Vanessa left, I’ve never let myself be stumped on how to put things back in order. But now…I don’t even know who the fuck he’s dealing with or what they want. They haven’t given him an ultimatum, a ransom, nothing. They just want him destitute and I can’t figure out why.”
Ryan’s heart twisted for both his brother and the man being affected by all this. “Let me talk to Wes. He helped us get out of this situation, and he says he knows people. He’ll be willing to help.”
Rhys looked mildly comforted by that. “Thanks, man.”
Ryan nodded, opening his mouth to tell his brother it wasn’t a big deal, but a knock on the door stopped him. They both turned and Anna poked her head in, smiling softly. “Hey, Wes’ office,” she said to Ryan, then winked and walked out.
Ryan smiled. “Perfect timing. Head back in to the guys and I’ll see what he says and meet you there. Okay? Trust me, if I can help Trevor, I will.”
Rhys nodded, his jaw clenching like he wanted to say more, but in the end, he just gave his brother a smile and headed out. Ryan took a moment to collect himself, to put himself fully into helping his brother and do anything else other than focus on the hollow ache in his gut. He would probably miss Cole forever, but the hurt would stop someday, and he’d be ready to move on. Noah had told him it was time to forgive himself, had told him he believed Ryan was a good person and would be a good partner. Until Cole, Ryan hadn’t believed it, but even with Cole gone, he was starting to trust himself.
He had wanted it to be Cole, wanted to move on and start a life with him, but the universe had stolen the chance. It didn’t mean there wouldn’t be more people, though. He had to trust he’d know when it was the right person. With a sigh, he left the empty office and walked over to Wes’ to chat with his old lover. The blinds were shut, and the door closed, so he had a feeling Wes might already know what Rhys was asking for. It felt strange to be involved with people who had connections and contacts. It felt dangerous and a little terrifying, but at the very least it also felt good that he could offer something.
Giving his usual, two sharp knocks, Ryan pushed the door open and came to a stuttered halt. The person standing in the middle of the room was not Wes. No, it was the one man Ryan had been desperate to see for the last four weeks. Cole was there, his cane clutched in one hand, his wrap-around shades perched firmly on his nose. He looked the same—which was the strangest part of all because they’d been through so much, Ryan expected it to somehow show physically on their bodies.
But he was just Cole. In his jeans and his t-shirt, his hair soft and tousled like he’d run fingers through it just after a shower. His jaw was tense, and his head was cocked to the side like he was listening for whoever was there.
“Cole,” he managed.
Cole’s entire body went tense. “Ryan?”
“I…yeah. What,” he stammered. On autopilot, he turned and shut the door, taking two steps forward before stopping himself. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Cole licked his lips, then reached for his shades and pulled them off. Everything was the same. The shiny scars, the soft eyelids, his sharp nose, full lips. It was the face of the man he loved so much it actually made him ache.
“I just got out of debriefing,” Cole said quietly.
Ryan let out a tense, bitter laugh. “For a month?”
Cole ran his free hand down his face and released a jagged sigh. “Yes. Well, no. Three weeks, four days, seven hours, and maybe twelve minutes?”
Ryan’s lips twitched. “I see.”
Cole shook his head and took a half-step toward him. “I had to fly back to London to secure a few things. They put my house back together, but everything was all wrong, so I’ve been trying to fix that.” His voice cracked a little and Ryan was torn between wanting to drag Cole into his arms and put his fist through the wall. “All of my papers had been falsified documents, so it took a while to get them sorted so I could be here legally. And…Isabel.”
Ryan felt his spine go taut. “What about her?”
Cole shook his head, his jaw working as he tried to find the words. “They owed me a huge favor. Somehow, Major Williams slipped through the cracks. No one noticed, no one questioned the way he’d pulled strings to get me out, the way I suddenly disappeared. He’d rerouted my disability pension into a private account because if I’d gotten paid, I would have known the discharge actually happened. I would have known I wasn’t actually active duty anymore.”
“Fuck,” Ryan breathed.
Cole laughed. “My sentiments exactly. I’ve been offered a job. Freelance for a tech company making new devices for the blind, no military work. I have a permanent resident card, and the house is mine to stay in. I…I came by and I wasn’t sure you’d see me, but Anna seemed fairly certain you might be willing to give me a chance? Hear me out?”
Ryan couldn’t resist any longer. He couldn’t speak, so he gave Cole the courtesy of making his footsteps loud and heavy as he closed the distance between them. Cole gave a grunt of surprise, but there was no tension as he surrendered to Ryan’s arms, as he tilted his head and let his cane fall to the floor as he cupped Ryan’s face.
Their lips met, frantic and desperate, like if they could just hold each other tight enough, kiss hard enough, nothing could part them again.
“I should have told you,” Cole murmured against his lips. “I should have told you everything.”
Ryan shook his head, even as he feasted on Cole’s pliant mouth. “I should have told you that I was so fucking in love with you I couldn’t see straight. That I would give up everything and anything to be with you.”
Cole let out a harsh breath and pulled back, though his hands didn’t leave Ryan’s face. “I knew. I tried to deny it because I was overwhelmed with guilt at lying to you, but I knew. It was the one thing I told myself not to do—get involved. Because I was hiding, because I was involved in something that put you in danger. And in the end, it didn’t matter. You should hate me.”
Ryan leaned in, pressing a soft kiss over each eyelid, down his nose, at each corner of his mouth. “I tried. When I thought you had just packed up and left, I tried
my damndest to hate your guts, but I couldn’t. Apparently, love makes me a fucking moron.”
Cole laughed, dropped his hands to Ryan’s waist, and leaned in, pressing his forehead to the top of Ryan’s shoulder. “I’ll take it. If you’ll have me,” he added.
Ryan pulled away, cupping Cole’s cheek with one hand, letting his thumb brush his lower lip. “Yes. Because I’m not wasting another second of my life not having you with me.”
20.
Ryan felt a strange wave of nerves as he pulled up to Cole’s. Their reunion at Baum’s had been nothing short of perfect, but life was still pressing in on all sides. He had court the next day, and several meetings throughout the week. Which meant, the weekend was the first time they’d actually get to be together apart from a few stolen moments here and there at the gym.
His hands were sweaty, and he swiped them over the tops of his jeans before reaching for the take-away bags and getting out of the car. He hit the fob slowly, trying to draw out every second before he reached the door. He wanted this, with every fiber of his being he wanted this, but he was terrified things had changed. He knew now that this man was Major Cole Price, a now-ex-Marine, a father, a hero, a genius. Ryan knew Cole had turned down a position with the Super Secret Agents—he still didn’t know what they were actually called—and that he was staying here for as long as he could.
It had an air of permanence that Ryan had been running from for a long damn time, and as much as he wanted it, he knew old habits died hard. He wasn’t going to let this go without a fight, though. He’d nearly been killed, and he’d put himself right back into that situation again if it meant that Cole, and everyone he cared about, remained safe. There was no question about that.
Taking a breath, Ryan headed to the door, but before he could reach for the bell, it flung open and he staggered back from the weight of a small, dark-haired girl who wrapped around him like an octopus. Ryan couldn’t help a small chuckle as he put his free hand around her and hoisted her up onto his hip.
“Hey, glad to see me?” he teased.
She nodded with wide, solemn eyes. “I didn’t think you were coming back.”
Ryan pulled a face at her as he glanced beyond the open door and saw Isabel hovering like she was unsure what to do. Looking back at Claire, he sighed. “I hoped you might have more faith in me than that. I was just busy. I have a very demanding job.”
“Daddy says you put bad people in jail,” she parroted.
Ryan laughed as he stepped inside and gratefully handed off the food to Isabel who took it all through the kitchen door. “Well sometimes I do that, but mostly I just try to make sure that people who do bad things learn their lessons, so they don’t do them again, and become better people.”
She wrinkled her nose. “What about René?”
Ryan felt something hot and furious race up his spine at the sound of his name from this little girl’s lips. After everything René had done to her—after all the trauma she must be suffering—he wouldn’t have hesitated to rip the guy’s heart out with his bare hands. “People like René are different, and I don’t handle those cases.”
Claire bit her lip, then nodded and threw her arms around him. “Mummy says that you saved me like a superhero. Like Spider-Man, except you haven’t got web shooters and you can’t climb on the walls, so you’re maybe not as brilliant as Spider-Man. But daddy says that the Avengers might take you anyway cos you’re brave enough and cos you’re prettier than Thor.”
Ryan felt a small lump in his throat, and he heard a chuckle from his right. Cole was there, one hand on the wall, his mouth turned up in a gentle smile. “Is that so?” Ryan asked.
Cole shrugged and took a few steps toward them, and Ryan held his hand out to meet him. “Well, I’m not sure you should trust me with the Thor bit since I am blind, but I’m sure they could find you a position in legal if you were really hard up for work.”
“Oh my god,” Ryan breathed out, indignant but smiling. He let Claire down to her feet who rushed off into the kitchen to see what her mother was up to, and Ryan dragged Cole in, closing the last few inches between them. “You’re an ass.”
“You love me anyway,” Cole murmured, then cupped Ryan’s face for a kiss.
Ryan sighed against his mouth, not wanting to pull away just yet. “I guess I do. I brought curry over since Claire had been talking about how much better it is back home.”
Cole laughed, letting his forehead rest against the top of Ryan’s shoulder. “She’s…got opinions.”
“Yeah well, she’s like someone else I know. And well and truly love,” Ryan added very quietly. He felt more than heard the way Cole sucked in a sharp breath, and when he looked down, he saw Cole’s face was soft and almost pained.
“Thank you for coming over here. Claire’s been desperate to see you since the whole incident.”
Ryan nodded. “Of course.” His former hesitance in the car now felt like a fading echo. Now, he felt like he was exactly where he was meant to be. “How is she doing?”
Cole let out another, more ragged sigh and swiped a hand down his face as he tugged Ryan to the living room. “She’s doing better than I would have done at her age.” He sat and pulled Ryan’s hand into his lap, playing with his fingers. “She has nightmares sometimes, but the doctor has her on some mild sedatives for bad nights, and her therapy is going well. She’s hero-worshipping you a little.”
“I’m not,” Ryan began, but Cole cut him off with a sharp shake of his head.
“You saved her. Not only that, but you protected her, you held her the entire time in spite of being injured and drugged, and you made her feel like you would both get out of there safely.”
“She didn’t deserve anything that happened to her,” Ryan said a little gruffly. “Added to the fact that she’s your daughter and because of that I would do anything to keep her safe, she’s also a child and some piece of shit, inhuman, maniac…” he trailed off, the words he wanted to say just not coming.
“I know,” Cole said quietly. “Trust me, I know.”
Ryan rubbed his thumb over the side of Cole’s hand. “Thanks for having me over. I want…” He stopped, biting his lip for a second, then blew out a puff of air. “We haven’t had a real chance to talk about us, about this,” he squeezed Cole’s fingers gently. “When we started this, we had…expectations.”
“I don’t want that,” Cole blurted, shifting closer. “I mean, I do. I do have expectations, but they’re different now. I stayed because I think there’s something here between us and I’m not ready to let that go.”
“Neither am I,” Ryan said. He lifted his hand to Cole’s face, cupping his cheek and stroking the warm skin there just under his eye. “I think I fell in love with you the week we met. I don’t even remember the moment, but I remember lying next to you wholly terrified because I hadn’t felt like that ever before.”
Cole licked his lips as he leaned into Ryan’s touch. “You and Noah…”
Ryan interrupted with a soft laugh. “I love him to death. He’s my best friend in the entire world and that will never change. But we were a mess when we were together, and it never felt like this with him. I was an idiot and I’ve spent the last ten years torturing myself for a mistake he forgave me for years ago. I know what happened between us wasn’t all me—I know you were holding back too, but I just want you to know that I’m all in, okay?”
“Okay,” Cole said quietly, then curled his fingers around Ryan’s wrist and held his hand there firmly. “Me too.”
Ryan leaned in and kissed him, because there was nothing else he could possibly do.”
Epilogue
“Do you really think this is such a good idea so soon after your surgery?” The worry in Ryan’s voice had been present for the last four weeks, and even after the doctor gave Cole the go-ahead to participate in the tournament, Ryan was still fretting. It was cute but starting to border on annoying.
“Look,” Cole said, taking Ryan’s hand and pressing it t
o his face, “I’m fine. It’s not like I can go more blind.”
Ryan huffed and shoved him back a little by the cheek. “That’s not what I meant, asshole. It’s just…”
“I can do this,” Cole said. “I’ve been training for months, and I’m ready. But not only that, I want to do it, okay? And I need to. I’m doing this safely, I’m not wearing the prosthetics during the fight, the implants have healed nicely, and everything feels perfectly normal. Trust me, love.”
Ryan sighed, but let his hand drop to Cole’s shoulder where the compression sleeve had finally been taken off. Cole hadn’t asked about what the skin looked like, but he could feel it. The skin was different from his other arm, too smooth, too taut. But Ryan hadn’t done anything other than kiss him gently over places that were numb, and places that were so sensitive the gentle brushing of lips hurt. Cole had mostly stopped worrying then, about the way he looked, about the way his injuries made people feel. Because the most important people in the world loved him as he was, not in spite of, not because of. They just loved him.
“Adrian is making a face at me. I think that means I’m supposed to let you go now,” Ryan said, a small pout in his voice.
Cole laughed and took a step away. But before Ryan could walk off, he reached out and snagged his shirt, dragging him in for a firm, heady kiss. “I love you,” he murmured against Ryan’s mouth.
He could feel the curve of Ryan’s smile against his lips and allowed himself to be kissed and kissed before Ryan pulled away and touched the side of his face again. “Kick his ass, babe. I’ll be cheering for you.”
Cole smiled and nodded, then turned and took the ten steps to the ring. He reached out, finding the ropes, then heaved himself onto the platform. Adrian was right there with his wraps and his gloves, leading him to his corner as he started to get him ready.
