by TC Rybicki
“I’ll do just fine with my kid. Felix likes to cuddle that’s why he is on the couch. Go then. I’ll be done in a few minutes.”
Doug’s butt barely touched the cushions before Wills screamed from the bathroom. He rushed to her side. “What happened?”
“I’m bleeding. Oh my God, oh my God! No.”
“Hold up. Take a deep breath. Bleeding? How much?”
“There. Look.”
He saw a crumbled tissue next to the sink. “Honey, that’s not exactly bleeding. It’s one streak of pink.” It wasn’t even bright red. He planned on explaining things like implantation, hormone surges, and the fact that she’d just had what she called energetic shower sex. Wills didn’t let him speak another word. She went straight to the worst-case scenario.
“It’s happening, just like before.”
Doug cut her off. “No, it’s not. Don’t say that. We swore never to mention that again. You’re fine and I’ll drive you to the ER to prove it, but there is very little they can do right now it’s so early.”
“You mean because it’s too early to do anything to save the baby.”
“No, I didn’t because one spot of blood doesn’t mean you’re losing the baby. Calm down. Better yet, lie down. I’ll order some food and we’ll stay in.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You need to eat, and drink plenty of water. Did you take your vitamins?”
“Like any of that matters if I’m losing the baby.”
“Wills.”
“No, I thought it wasn’t a big deal once before and it was and…” she started crying. Great. Doug never wanted to go back to that moment in their history—their darkest time. Now they were standing there like a couple of scared kids. He couldn’t predict with certainty Willow’s pregnancy would continue. There was always a chance, but she was overreacting, and the stress wasn’t helping her or the baby. He needed to tread lightly. This scare was bringing up a dark time.
“Willow. Look at me. Medically speaking, there are several reasons…”
She held her hand up. “Don’t. Don’t play doctor with me. I know why you did this now.”
“Did what?”
“Jumped at the chance to get me pregnant when you don’t want kids. It’s because of what happened when I was eighteen.”
“No, it’s not. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Willow further lamented, “Everything has always been about that! All my failed relationships, your jealous outbursts even though we were never together. You wanted to get me pregnant to hold a claim to me because you clearly don’t want me, but you can’t stand the fact someone else might one day. Douglas Chadwyk hates to lose.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You are talking crazy. I have done some stupid shit but making you pregnant wasn’t one of them. This is only about loving you. I’ll swear that on a stack of Bibles. Maybe I’ve run off some losers, but if all your relationships failed so far, you should accept they were never right for you. I won’t be silent and watch you get less than you deserve.”
“Got it. You won’t watch it, but you’ll do it—personally. Get out, Dutch. I need you to leave now. I’m tired.”
“Honey come on. Let me take care of you. I don’t want to fight. Stress isn’t good for the baby.”
“I doubt there’s going to be a baby, so leave and be happy you dodged a bullet. This was never going to be without complications or strings. We would have ended up hating each other in the end.”
“That’s not possible. You’re my best friend.”
“Yeah, well, I need a break, friend. Don’t call me or show up unannounced. I’ll let you know when and if I’m ready to communicate. Goodbye, Dutch.”
He wanted to stay and argue, fight for their friendship like they always had, but she wasn’t budging. Willow made all the wrong assumptions. If Doug looked back at several events in their relationship, he knew why. He hoped and prayed her anger blew over by the time she made it to the doctor and realized she was fine. Deep down, he knew she would be. The baby had to be okay, too. Wills couldn’t handle another disappointment. She’d already been through so much in her life. He usually was the one to help her through things and now he appeared to be the cause which meant if things didn’t turn out right, she might push him away for good. Doug would lose his mind if it came to that. He turned around when he shut the door to place his palm across the crackle-painted door she claimed had character.
“Please, Wills, let me back in…” Doug waited a few minutes, but she didn’t come to the door. He still had a key and could go in anytime, but she didn’t want him to and he wasn’t about to go against her wishes this time.
Early 1999–13 years old
Willow brushed her teeth first then her hair. She fumbled with the small bag in front of her. It was a gift from Dawn inside her Easter basket. She didn’t know what to do with any of it, but Dawn promised next time they had a special occasion she’d help her. Rain never would. No one in the group wore makeup. Willow didn’t even know anything about it before her friendship with Dutch. She stared at his yearbook one afternoon and noted how different she was from every girl he had officially and unofficially went out with. He called them dates, but she knew Dawn always made sure there was a chaperone. After he turned fifteen in the summer, the rules began to change. He was getting dropped off places. He had his permit to drive and in less than a year would be driving his own car.
She felt like he was growing up too fast while she was literally staying the same. He didn’t spend as much time with her as he used to. Dutch was best to Willow when none of his friends were around. She was starting to wonder if he was embarrassed to be friends with a kid. Tanner was still her bud, so Dutch could stuff it when he acted like he was hot stuff.
It was Friday, so there was a chance they might all go to dinner. Last time she had to go home after Walt dropped off Rob and Dutch at the movies, but she was determined to ask if she could go with them. She loved movies. The time inside the theater made her feel like she was transported to a different world.
Willow loved the violet eye shadow on the pallet. Maybe she could dab a little on her eyes and not end up looking horrible. She got braver after trying the powder and before she knew it, Willow had added a little color on her cheeks. Of course, she had to put her glasses back on to see well. What was Dutch going to say? Would he accept she was a teenager, finally? She had been since August, but last week he called her kid again and she was fast approaching another birthday.
“What’s going on here?”
Willow dropped her mirror. JC surprised her. Their cabin was always open to him, but he never ventured far from the entrance.
“Rain’s in the garden.”
“Is she now?”
Willow immediately tried to make herself less visible. She squeezed her shoulders together, dropped her head and let her hair fall forward. Willow pushed her glasses back up her nose. The Chadwyks made sure she could see, more than her parents had done for her. Walter’s receptionist was married to an optometrist and he did them a favor. Next visit, she was going to ask for contacts. For the moment, Willow felt safer hiding behind her heart-shaped frames. He’d been getting worse about making her feel uncomfortable. JC stared all the time, and she hated it.
“I can’t say I approve of that mess on your face, but you’re all grown up now, Willow, practically a woman as pretty as your mother.” He cupped his hands over his mouth and whispered, “prettier, but that’s our little secret.”
Willow’s nerves prevented her from answering, but her head shook. She wanted to make sure he realized she was still a kid.
“And you’re different. You’re the only one of us that yearns to visit the outsiders, but you always come back to us.”
She didn’t think she had a choice. Did she? Willow certainly didn’t come back to this place because she wanted to. She needed to go outside. Being alone with JC made her squeamish. “I’ll get Rain for you.”
JC took another s
tep inside their cabin. He pushed the door closed behind them. “I wasn’t looking for Rain.”
“Oh, well, Stone should be close by. Stone!”
Her father would never answer her. He was most likely stoned under a tree on the property. That was his existence: playing terrible guitar, pretending to write music that made sense when it didn’t and smoking pot. That is all he did. He had no other life and he certainly wasn’t like a real father to Willow. She wished there was someone she could call for help if JC was up to something. Mr. Chadwyk carried a cellular phone because of work, but it wasn’t like she had access to a phone to reach him.
Willow needed to make a run for it. That was all she could think of. JC hadn’t moved much closer, but he shut the door and said he wasn’t there for her mother. He was there for her. She knew it would happen one day, but she never thought it would be so soon. She was lucky to develop slower than the other girls, but the numbers in the commune had dwindled. Some people left or were kicked out for unknown reasons, probably because the women would not agree to be JC’s property. Hardly any of the women had kids. Willow’s age group was the last of the baby boom. One couple had a two-year-old, but they’d only been there six months.
And everyone knew JC hated to be bored. He said it often, one should never be bored in life. That’s what happened to the people on the outside because they conformed to society. Why hadn’t her mother kept him happy? Willow was overreacting. Dutch told her that phrase all the time. She stopped panicking, took a deep breath, and decided to play it cool instead.
“Is there something you needed, JC? I did morning chores, but did I forget something?”
He smiled. “Show me your books.”
“Huh?”
“Rain says you waste a lot time with your map books. I want to see them. Why do they hold your attention? You realize the pictures are deceiving, don’t you? The outside isn’t like the pages of a book. I’ve been there, all over the planet for decades until I had a vision of a settling back on the land I came from. This is where I was meant to be and so were you. Rain and Stone stumbled in one stormy night with you begging to be born into the world. It was no accident the universe brought you here… to me.
She remembered them saying a few times, she was born here, but Willow never knew it was on their first day.
“Well, I’m sure that was more biology than cosmic.”
“Biology? My, my, you do read more than you should. I’ve been patient with your childhood games of exploring but the days of trekking through the woods ends now. This is your home and we’re all the family you need. Stone and Rain agree, you’re developing an attitude and it’s that little asshole’s influence.”
Willow had done her best to avoid direct conversations with JC, but there was no way she would stop going to the Chadwyk’s or seeing Dutch. He couldn’t make her stay there. She’d run away.
She found her voice, “We’ll see about that. You’re not my boss.”
JC approached her slowly; Willow backed up. She should have run like her first instinct urged her to do instead of playing it cool. Now she was trapped.
“This community follows my guidelines. I provide food, shelter, and spiritual guidance. Every one of these people were lost before asking for sanctuary, so you will damn well watch your mouth. Do not disrespect me. That is the first rule. I was going to go easy on you, but if you don’t cut the shit, I can make it rough.”
Willow was so stupid. She wasn’t sure what he meant. They lived completely non-violent lives. No one could strike another, young or old. A guy got thrown out for slapping his wife last year.
Her right foot moved toward the exit. She was thankful for her natural speed. He wouldn’t be able to catch her if she got a head start; Willow was confident. JC anticipated her exit, caught her arm, and squeezed tight. Pain jolted her entire arm down to her fingertips. He wasn’t letting up.
“Let me go. That hurts.”
He didn’t care. JC broke his own rule. He shoved Willow hard against the back wall. Her glasses flew off her face and her head thudded against the surface stunning her in the process. Now he had both her arms and she was completely pinned down. No amount of struggling loosened his grip. Stone was useless, but surely some other man would come if she screamed. JC anticipated her yelling for help, so his body slammed against hers as one of hands covered her mouth.
His hot breath was on her ear, “You will not defy me. I’m entitled to this. You belong to me now. Stone and Rain accept it and the quicker you do the easier things will be for you.”
Willow gasped for air, but he wasn’t allowing it. She learned a thing or two about roughhousing hanging out with boys the past two years. She wasn’t about to give up easily.
“You’re feisty. I like it. This is going to be better than I thought.”
The room was spinning and getting dark. Willow couldn’t see anything clearly without her glasses, and she’d almost used up all her oxygen struggling. Dutch appeared in her mind. Would he even know she tried her best to make it to him? Her feeble attempts to break free were no use. Fighting a grown man was nothing like pretend fighting in the lake with her friends. He held so tight, squeezed so hard, and was twice her size.
The last bit of strength emerged, and her jaw moved enough to grab a piece of skin on his finger over her mouth.
“Fuck you little bitch, that hurt!”
JC pushed Willow with all his strength. She tumbled to the floor and cried in pain. Her right knee stung from hitting the hard floor, but she was several steps closer to the door. Her stance was just like an athlete waiting for a race to start, so she bolted and ignored the pain consuming her tiny body. He tackled her before she reached the door. Being pinned to the floor by him was ten times worse than his previous hold on her.
“Willow stop all this nonsense. You know how it works. I’ve made exceptions for you, and I’m making another one. I don’t take girls so young, but you’re too good to pass up. You’ll be my wife after tonight.”
“I’m a kid, moron! None of those women are your wives. They’re whores, including my mother!”
He smacked her hard again. “Stop it, I said. You’re only a child until I make you a woman then you will forever be my woman.” JC grabbed her long hair and pulled her back. He buried his nose into her neck. “Mmm, you’re so fresh and ripe. I swear you’re going to like it.”
All Willow’s previous naivety escaped her. She knew exactly what he meant now even though the idea seemed so twisted and perverse. She honestly had never seen JC with any girl that didn’t seem close to an adult, but he said she was an exception. Why? This could not be her fate. She had so many hopes and dreams over the past two years. Dutch promised her one day she’d go to school with him, maybe even go on one of their family vacations.
The realization that her own parents were allowing this sickened her further. It was almost dark and neither of them had come back inside. No way was Rain still gardening. JC told her to stay away and she did. Willow would rather die than become JC’s fake wife. She prayed for God to take her. If I can’t get away, take me please, before he does terrible things to my body and mind.
She had recently begun to question what it would be like to have a boy interested in her. She imagined sunsets on the lake, hand holding and sweet kisses. This was nothing like that. This filthy man squishing her on the hard floor was nothing like her imagination. She was sure to barf. Maybe that would discourage him.
JC wouldn’t let her up, but he softened his grip. He brushed her hair with his dirty fingers and started calling her beautiful. “I’m good to everyone that loves me. You love me, don’t you Willow?”
She didn’t answer.
“I asked you a question. Answer me. Tell me you respect me and love me.”
His hand roamed down her side and came close to her breast. Willow was convinced if she said what he wanted to hear he’d touch her because in his mind that would be her conceding. His face was so close she could smell what he had for dinn
er mixed in with his cigarettes. The puking reflex was more likely to happen whether she forced herself or not.
“I love you. I’ve waited years for you.”
She screamed, “I hate you! I hope you burn in hell! Get off me now because if you go through with this, I swear I’ll send you there myself.” She didn’t know where the words came from, but Willow shouted them like they were the God’s-honest truth. They were.
The next slap knocked her unconscious. Willow’s eyes struggled to open. When she did, it was evident there was nothing else she could do. He’d ripped her clothing and was removing his own. Her short life passed before her eyes. She deserved better than this.
“Oh good, you should be awake. This is how it’s going to be. I’m tired of fighting with you. I love your pretty face, but I’ll mess it up if you don’t stop acting up.” His fingers roamed her skin. He touched her places he shouldn’t, and Willow cringed with each brush of his skin on hers. She cried. JC didn’t care. He’d hit her more than once. Her body ached everywhere, and the truly heinous part hadn’t even started.
“Touch me.”
Her head shook side to side.
He slapped her again.
“Touch me, you little whore. I know you know how after spending so much time with that boy. You don’t think I know what teenage boys are like? You better hope he hasn’t stolen your innocence completely or I’ll make that little punk pay dearly. Now, touch me and do it right.”
Dutch always treated Willow with respect, but JC was right about one thing. He told her a thing or two about the male anatomy and how sensitive certain parts were. If this sick fucker wanted to be touched, there was only way to do it. She had once last chance. Willow pretended at first to be hesitant which completely excited him. She couldn’t kick him in the balls like Dutch instructed her, but she could sure as hell hurt them another way and that is exactly what she did. He asked to be touched, but he wasn’t expecting a strong vice grip and a final twist with all the strength the little girl had left in her. It all happened so fast, but as soon as JC was crippled from the pain, Willow broke free. He grabbed at her ankle, but she kicked his face and made it to the door.
