“Don’t!” Derek’s voice was deep and strong, and should have been intimidating, but for some reason it wasn’t.
“What?”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what, Derek? What are you talking about?”
“Think that you’re anything less than beautiful right now.”
I was glad I was sitting down. If I hadn’t been, I was one hundred and ten percent sure my legs wouldn’t have been able to hold me up. Where the fuck had that come from? And how the hell had he known what I was thinking?
“I…I…wasn’t.”
“Liar.”
He smirked.
My heart melted.
I was in trouble.
A buttload of trouble.
For so long I’d avoided being in situations like this, associating with people like Derek, letting people in for this exact reason. I was completely pathetic. And with a smile like that, I could end up in a hell of a lot more before too long.
Chapter 13
Derek
She was fucking adorable. I know I’m a guy and I shouldn’t even know that words like adorable exist, let alone what they mean, but fuck me, sitting there with a pout on her lips, her hair wet, her eyes wide, and her clothes just damp enough that they were clinging to her in all the right places, there were no other words. I’d been hanging out with Zoe too long. I might as well cash in my man card right now.
Forcing my thoughts off the feisty blonde beside me, I fired up the truck, switched on the heat, and spun the tyres on the gravel and headed back to the city. Tonight had been hard. Fucking hard. In more ways than one. Since all the shit went down, I hadn’t spoken about any of it. Not really. I mean, I’d gone to a couple of the mandated counselling sessions, but as soon as I could I’d left the police force and gotten as far away from the experts as possible. I didn’t need some shrink who charged a buttload to tell me what happened was screwed up. Fuck, that’s why I was there. It was more than screwed up. More like it was fucked up beyond belief. But telling Mia, it felt good. Like it wasn’t all on me anymore.
I drove slowly. I couldn’t tell you if it was because of the weather, or because I had precious cargo on board, or even if it was because I just didn’t want this night to end. Hell, it might be all of it, it didn’t matter.
“Mia,” I broke the silence. I didn’t want to but I needed a favour.
“Yeah?” She looked at me with wide Bambi eyes and I knew I was in trouble. Big fucking trouble. With one look this chick brought me to my knees.
“Can you maybe not say anything to Zoe about…well, you know?”
“Of course.”
Feeling the need to explain, I continued. “She’s had a shitty run. And honestly, this week is the first time she’s even started to look like she was making progress. I mean, for the first time she actually left the house voluntarily. I didn’t have to drag her out the door kicking and screaming.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“Absolutely! I just don’t want to undo any of the progress. Does that make sense at all?”
“It does. And honestly, Derek, you don’t have to worry. I won’t say anything to her.”
“Thanks.”
I couldn’t help it, or maybe I could have, I just didn’t want to hold back a second longer. I reached out and squeezed her thigh. I should have pulled my hand back, but being the asshole I was, I didn’t. Instead I left it there. After a handful of heartbeats, I felt Mia’s tiny hand settle on mine. Stealing a glance at her, she was looking out the window away from me, completely relaxed. My hand wasn’t moving anytime soon.
Mia drifted off not long after and I drove in silence, our conversation replaying in my head. Although I was glad I told her, part of me wished that she’d offered up some titbit about her own life. Something to even the score. Not that keeping score was important, it just would have made me feel, I don’t know, less like a pussy. I dumped some pretty heavy shit on her tonight, I just wished she given something up too.
“Whatcha thinking so hard about over there?” she asked, her voice thick with sleep.
Shrugging off the heavy thoughts, I didn’t want this night to end. At least not that way. Not when I’d already made the decision I wanted another one like it. At least another one. Hopefully many more after that. But not some bullshit drive either. A proper date.
“How cute your snore is.”
“I don’t snore!” she protested, full of indignation.
Riled up, Mia was a sight to behold. Straightening in her seat, I finally let go of her leg and dragged my hand back over to my side of the cab. I didn’t like it over here.
“Yeah, sweetheart, you do.”
“Muph!” she growled, folding her arms over her chest.
“So, now we’re back in the city, want to tell me where I’m going so I can take you home, Cinderella?”
“Funny boy.”
“I try.”
“Try harder.” She poked her tongue out and my dick twitched. Arguing with her was turning out to be more entertaining than anyone could imagine.
Twenty minutes later I pulled up in front of her place and I was reluctantly saying good bye. It was still raining, so we were sitting in the car, chatting about nothing, really. Arguing about the song on the radio, which football team was better, and the latest celeb scandal. It was like I’d always known this girl. Truth be told, it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.
“Do you miss it?”
“Miss what?”
“Being a cop?”
Her question blindsided me. A moment ago, we’d been debating which restaurant had the best Nutella donuts. Now she was asking me the one question no one had asked me since the day I’d left. The one question I hadn’t dared ask myself. I didn’t want to answer it. I wasn’t ready to deal with the answer―it would make it real.
“Sorry.” Mia dropped her head and unclicked her seatbelt. She was running. “I shouldn’t have asked. It was rude of me. It’s really none of my business.”
“Mia!” My voice was steadier than even I thought it could be at that moment. I was expecting to hear my shaking thirteen-year-old pre-pubescent voice come squeaking out. Reaching over, I cupped her face in my hands as gently as possible, like she was a fragile doll. “You’re the only person to ever ask.”
“Oh.”
“And yes. I do miss it. More than anything, I miss it.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay then.”
“Thank you, Derek. For everything. For tonight. For the drive. For just…I don’t know. I guess for being real with me.”
“Any time, Cinderella.”
I watched as Mia scooped up her things and reached for the door handle. It was now or never. I can’t remember ever being this nervous before. It wasn’t like me. I was usually a cocky, confident, some would say arrogant asshole. But with Mia around, everything was different. Everything had to be. She was skittish.
“Have dinner with me, Mia.” I hoped it sounded like a question not a demand, but with me, you never knew. There was nothing I couldn’t fuck up.
With a wide smile, Mia didn’t leave me hanging for long. Thankfully. “Okay.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.”
“Good night, Mia.” Dropping a chaste kiss on her cheek, I found myself hoping like hell she’d get out of my truck ASAP so I could breathe again. This chick was driving me insane. I didn’t know what to do or where to look. I could barely tell which way was up. She was intoxicating and infectious and completely under my skin. I needed to get some distance and some perspective.
“Night, Derek,” she half whispered as she slid from the seat, shut the door with a soft click, and headed inside.
I waited until she’d disappeared through the heavy wooden door before I pulled out and headed home to take matters into my own hands. Something I hadn’t done since I was a horny fifteen-year-old who just found his dad’s porn stash.
By th
e time I walked in, it was almost one in the morning, and I was surprised to see Zoe was still up. She was barely awake these days, and if she was, she was hardly ever out of her room. Something was changing with her. It was a change, but it was definitely a good one. I wanted it to be permanent, but I couldn’t get my hopes up. I couldn’t let myself believe that everything was peachy. Progress was happening and I was ecstatic, but I couldn’t push her. I refused to.
“Hey,” she mumbled as she stuffed another handful of popcorn in her mouth.
“Hey yourself. You’re up late.”
“Yeah. I started watching this stupid movie and then I couldn’t stop, so you know…”
“What is it?”
Zoe blushed. I knew she was embarrassed, but unless she was watching some weird porn shit, she had nothing to be ashamed of. “Police Academy.” I saw her wince. It was still a touchy subject, one we didn’t discuss.
“Cool.” I flopped into the lounge beside her and stole a handful of popcorn.
These movies were shit. They were old and corny and completely full of bullshit but still, they were always good for a laugh. So, that’s what we did. Sat there, side by side, and snickered at the screen. It was nice. Normal even.
It must have been some kinda of marathon they had running, because as soon as one movie ended, another started. Somewhere around three, Zoe crashed, falling asleep on my leg. I covered her with a blanket and removed the half empty bowl from her lap. When the next one finished, my eyes felt heavy and I knew I had to get to bed. A night on the couch wouldn’t help my aching muscles at all. As carefully as I could, I wriggled out from under Zoe’s head, noticing the damp drool patch on my thigh. I was unable to hold back the smile.
“Zoe…Zoe…” I cooed softly.
“Mmmm” she grumbled back at me.
“Come on. Time for bed.”
“Mmmmm.”
“Do I need to carry you?”
Her eyes fluttered open and I felt a wave of sadness consume me. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Spencer. Poor bastard never stood a chance. Lying there with her hair fanned out across the pillow, a trail of dried drool across her chin, her eyelashes glued together with the remnants of sleep, barely coherent, and she was still as gorgeous as ever. Fuck, I missed him. These should be his moments, not mine.
Shaking off the thought, I scooped her into my arms and carried her into her room before placing her in her bed, leaving a chaste kiss on her forehead. “Sweet dreams, Zoe.”
“Thanks, Spence,” she murmured before sleep claimed her again.
The pain in my chest was all consuming. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me, she never would, but fuck if it didn’t sting. I was the one there night after night looking after her, not Spencer. I was the one putting my life on hold for her. Giving up my dreams to make sure she ate and bathed and dragged her ass out of bed each day, yet his name was the one that fell from her lips in the moments before sleep claimed her.
I was an asshole. What sort of prick was jealous of his deceased best friend? Me, that’s who.
Chapter 14
Mia
I should have felt like shit. I deserved to. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been out so late. Then when I finally got home, I stood in the shower until the water ran cold, replaying every word, every touch, every silence over and over trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure Derek out. There was a lot going on there, a hell of a lot. And he’d imparted some pretty heavy, sensitive information, but there was more to it. Something he wasn’t saying. Something he was afraid to say. He worried me, though. His guilt scared me. I wanted to talk to Zoe about it. Get her take on everything. See what she thought, but I’d promised I wouldn’t mention it. The problem was, after a restless night’s sleep, I couldn’t let it go. The need to know was all-consuming. The nosy bitch was coming out.
I’d just finished up my morning yoga class and was sitting in my office scarfing down my unimaginative breakfast of a banana and protein shake. I don’t eat this to maintain my weight or really even to be healthy―the truth is if there was a café that did a kick ass bacon and egg roll around the corner, I’d murder one right about now, but the banana and shake were convenient. Easy for a lazy person like me.
Kenz walked in and plopped her butt on my desk, a wide, sneaky smirk covering her face. “Whatcha doing?”
“Having breakfast before my next class.”
“So, how was your night?”
“Night was…intriguing.”
“Oooh, I love a good mystery. Elaborate, please.”
“Nope.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously!”
“You’re no fun!”
“We all knew that.”
“I don’t know if we can be friends anymore.”
“Oh well. You win some. You lose some.”
“Fine then, spoilsport. I’m going to head out. I’ll be back around three for my four o’clock Zumba class and a couple of PT sessions tonight, so I’ll lock up. You can head home early, or go out on a hot date, or whatever it is you do when you’re not here.”
With a final dismissive wave of her hand, Kenz was gone, leaving me alone to contemplate the browning banana skin on my desk. She seemed to think my life was much more exciting than it actually was. Maybe it was time I went and actually got a life. As soon as the thought entered my mind, it was accompanied by a pair of the most inquisitive, amazing hazel eyes I’d ever seen. Something that stole the breath from my lungs.
Lost in my Derek-induced daydream, I didn’t even see the shadow move to the doorway and knock. “Sorry to bother you, Mia,” a timid voice squeaked.
Snapping my head up, Zoe was there standing in the doorway, a towel slung over her shoulder and her bright pink gym bag dangling from her shoulder. “Oh, hi, Zoe. I didn’t see you there. I was…” I couldn’t very well tell her what I was thinking about. “I was off in my own little world.”
“Please don’t worry about that. I’m the one that should apologize for disturbing you.”
After my conversation with Derek last night, I understood a lot more now about why Zoe was how she was. She wasn’t shy and quiet because she wanted to be. Someone had made her that way. She was a victim of circumstances. Zoe was doing her best to fight back, but from the clues Derek did let slip, she had a long way to go. A bloody long way. Like me.
“What can I do for you?” I asked, tossing the banana skin in the bin and clambering to my feet.
“I just wanted to thank you for yesterday. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t…”
I couldn’t let her finish. Watching her struggle to get the words out physically hurt, so god knows what it was doing to her. Suddenly my tiny office felt claustrophobic. Like the walls were closing in on us. There was no air. It was too hot. Too stuffy. I couldn’t breathe. Moving towards the door as quick as I could, I grabbed Zoe’s arm and led her through the gym and out the back door into the alley.
It took a moment for me to get my breathing under control, and only then did I realize what I’d done. I’d just done exactly what Zoe had done the day before. Suffered a completely irrational, debilitating, unprovoked, completely humiliating panic attack.
“Well shit!” I huffed.
“Are you…okay?” Zoe asked nervously as she trailed her hand up and down my back, soothing me.
“Yeah. I’ll be fine,” I lied.
The lie sounded better in my head, but I couldn’t fight it. I risked a look at Zoe. I didn’t think I’d be able to stomach it if I saw pity on her face. I shouldn’t have doubted her. There wasn’t a trace. Just understanding and acceptance.
We stood there for what seemed like forever in silence. I was too caught up in my own head. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a panic attack, or maybe I could. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I was remembering the moment the doctors had told me and I was right back there again. Reliving the agony. Reliving the horror. Unable to escape. Unable to outrun the pain.
A faint buzzing shocked me out of my own wayward thoughts.
“Mia, I think that’s your phone.”
Part of me wished she’d judge me. Wished she’d see me as damaged, useless, pathetic. Instead she said nothing. She backed up a few steps and gave me privacy to answer the unknown number.
“Mia speaking.”
“Hi Mia!” a deep, happy voice boomed down the line. “It’s Derek.”
I felt my cheeks burn and I wished Zoe wasn’t standing right there. I didn’t want her to know about my crush on her…well, her Derek. I still felt completely weird about their situation and until I got that straight in my head, I didn’t know what the hell I wanted. I definitely didn’t want to have some silly school girl crush…which unfortunately is exactly what I had developed.
“Oh, hi there.”
“I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?”
“No, not at all. I was actually just outside grabbing some fresh air before my next class.” It wasn’t a complete lie. I was outside. I was getting air. I did have another class starting soon.
“Great. So, I was wondering if you were free for dinner on Monday night?”
I thought I heard nerves in his voice, but I wasn’t sure. I would have paid money to see that, actually. Big, tough Derek nervous.
“Monday?”
“Yeah. Normal date nights are pretty crappy for me ’cause of the club, so I’m hoping Monday works for you?”
I could feel my palms sweating. I glanced up at Zoe, who had a sneaky smirk on her face while she absently kicked around an invisible rock. I wanted to throw something at her and get her attention. I wanted to know if she knew this call was coming. Had Derek said something to her? What did she know? What did she think? Fuck, I never thought I’d be the other woman. It didn’t sit well with me. Not one little bit.
“Could we do Tuesday instead?” I countered, not entirely sure why.
Perhaps it was because I didn’t want to seem too keen, but I think mainly the reason was standing right in front of me gnawing on her bottom lip. I wanted a chance to talk to Zoe. I wanted a chance to get to know her and see where her head was at. To see if she’d help fill in some blanks for me.
Running Away (Finding Your Place Book 2) Page 9
