It was the first time I’d cheated since we’ve been married, and only the third time since he and I started dating. The previous two times were both with my ex, who I’d dated the three previous years. So my question is: Do you think he would want me to be honest, or do you think he’d throw four years of marriage down the drain and leave me?
Hit by the Hand Grenades in Houston
Dear Hit,
Now, while it’s true you went out like a real hooker, you have to understand one thing about men. We know that you, our wives and girlfriends, are capable of cheating. I mean, we’ve sexed other men’s wives, so trust, it’s no secret. It’s just that we don’t like to think about it…ever. We’re not built to stomach that type of thing. You didn’t get caught, so unless you have a death wish, take that to your grave. As a woman, you’re programmed to be able to do that.
Should the occasion arise in which religious reasons cause you to confess, I strongly suggest that you do so in a public place and have your things packed before you deliver the news.
Yours truly,
Dr. C.
It had been three weeks since Jacob had seen or spoken to Elise and the pain showed on his face. He moped around the school and barely spoke to anyone. She had withdrawn from the school as she told him she would and he hadn’t so much as heard a word from her.
He’d gotten another e-mail and wondered if Elise had, in fact, been mocha2munch. It had been a long while since he’d gotten one. More than two months, the last one right around the time he had started up with Elise.
Jacob,
Just checking on you and thinking about you. That’s all.
[email protected]
Most mornings, before the students arrived, Jacob thought about going back to the gym to get high with his partner Willie, but decided against it. Instead, he just did his best to suck up his pain and deal. He tried everything he could to forget about what had happened between him and Elise and made every effort to wipe the memories that he held from his mind.
He rearranged the desk in his class so that he wouldn’t keep staring out at her empty desk. Next he scratched her name from his grade books. He did his best to ignore Anna, who seemed to be trying to act as if she didn’t notice Elise’s absence either.
In fact, he found it strange that Anna seemed to be in a better than usual mood and it was actually becoming irritating. Every time he made eye contact with her, she met him with smiles that he hadn’t seen since the beginning of the school year.
As the final bell rang he gathered his things with little to no emotion. Just like getting up, leaving work to go home had become a chore. As the time was nearing when he’d officially be signed to Warner Records, there was nothing left for him to do other than to sit in his basement and listen to music. Since one of the stipulations of his contract banned him from performing live without the consent of the company, he’d lost his only release from the pressures of his day job.
As he headed up the hallway he recalled his announcement to the band that he was going to record his solo album. A serious grumble had erupted as they all sat in the front corner of the club. A couple of members had congratulated him. He could tell from their body language that the rest wanted to kick his ass. “This is some bull, Jacob. We started this together,” Wally, the keyboard player, belted out.
“Yo, man, that’s some snake shit,” the drummer shouted. “But, it don’t surprise me none…good luck, your ass is gonna need it.” Then he walked out.
Mostly they had all just gotten really quiet. Jacob had realized for the first time that some of the people he’d thought would be happiest for him were not. He didn’t really understand why they wouldn’t be proud, but it bothered him nonetheless. The sadness from a chapter ending seemed more appropriate, but all the negative vibes seemed a bit much.
The only thing that was going right for him was that he’d been able to write three great songs in the middle of a night when he couldn’t sleep. His deal hadn’t even been cemented yet, but he had begun to compile material. When he did hit the studio, he wanted to be impressive. Of course all the songs were written to Elise, but no one had to know that.
He headed to his car and was preparing to head home to climb into bed so he could yank the covers up over his head. He didn’t notice the car next to him. “Hey, Mr. Marsh.”
He looked over and saw Anna parked next to him. “Anna, what are you doing over here in this parking lot?”
“I came to see you of course,” she said, and giggled. “I came to repay you a favor.”
“What favor?”
“The day. The day we had the talk. Some of what you said to me…well, it changed my life. I even was able to speak to my mother about some things.”
“That’s good. I think—”
“Yeah, it is. But I want to share a few things with you, things that I know about.”
Jacob’s face showed his nervousness. “Such as?”
“Such as…Elise is pregnant. And you’re the father,” she said with a straight face. She might as well have been telling him that there was a chance of rain.
Jacob felt the blood immediately leave his head. “What?” He wasn’t sure if the words had left his mouth. “What did you say?”
“Elise, she told me everything before she left.”
He didn’t utter a word for a moment. Instead they both just sat there in their vehicles staring into each other’s eyes. He wiped his hands over his face, and when he thought he had the energy to handle more bad news, he said, “So now what?”
“Nothing. I just wanted you to know and, I guess, ask you something.”
“What’s that?”
Anna put a Charm’s blow pop into her mouth and gave it one suck before she asked, “Is she the reason why you’ve been looking so sad and sick? Are you in love with her?”
He didn’t answer that question but had another. “So what is she going to do? Does she have a number, because I tried the one I have and it didn’t work anymore.”
“I’m not sure. The last we talked, she called me. But I just thought you should know what was going on, and don’t worry…your secret is safe with me.” With that, she pulled off.
When the call came through, I didn’t know what to do. Gina and I had no real connection, yet her mother was on the line at Providence Hospital, telling me that she wanted me there.
“Mrs. Daniels, I don’t know if I’m really up for that. You know that she and I—”
She cut me off in a stern but motherly tone. “Son, she needs you here. I don’t care about the circumstances under which you made this baby. But you did do it together.”
I had my doubts about this, and although I considered myself to be a respectful type of guy, I came out with “I’m not really sure if the kid is—”
“Diego,” she said. “Let me say this before you go any further. I don’t blame you for feeling like that. I’ve heard bits and pieces of the story and really it doesn’t matter what led up to it. But one thing I know is this. I asked Gina, mother to daughter, if there’s a chance that this child might belong to another man.”
Her tone lowered and something in the delivery shook me up a tad as she went on. “She looked me right in the eye and told me that she was certain. And I know she wasn’t lying to me. I’ve raised her the best I can and I know she’s a good person. We all make mistakes. Hopefully, you won’t make one today. So you can take a chance and come down and witness the birth a child that you believe might be yours, or you can sit home and do whatever you were doing and miss it. The worst thing to happen if you come is that you get a great story to tell. If you have any heart at all, I don’t have to tell you the best thing that could happen.”
There was something in the way she spoke to me. I found myself cruising toward the city. I picked up the phone and called Jacob. He sounded as if he was sick. “You all right?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said with his voice groggy.
“You won’t believe what I’m about to do.�
��
“What?”
“I’m on the way to the hospital to witness the birth of Gina’s baby. She wanted me to come.”
I heard him perk up. “Whoa. Time flies. You hadn’t said anything about that lately.”
“Jacob, you’ve been out of sorts lately. I haven’t been able to catch you all that often, and when I do you seem to be so preoccupied that I just keep it real light with you. I figured that with your deal and all that, you’d just been busy.”
He laughed. “You know, I was thinking the same thing about you. I’ll admit, I’ve been kind of down, but I haven’t really reached out like I could have. I knew that things were about to get hectic for you with your radio show.”
“Well, since we’re both about to blow up, we have to make an agreement.”
“What’s that?”
“We gotta keep it real with each other. I’m gonna always need my man having my back,” I said.
“No doubt,” he shot right back.
“So…” He was quiet and waited for me to finish. “Are you gonna come up to the hospital with a nigga or what?”
“All you had to do was ask,” Jacob said. “All you had to do was ask.”
I told him where I was headed and he jumped up and prepared to meet me there. During the rest of my ride, I thought about my life and everything that I’d been through lately. I wondered how it would change things if the baby turned out to be mine. By the time I made it up South Dakota Avenue, I’d thought of a hundred and one things and come up with a thousand questions. As I finally made my way into the hospital, I only had one answer. I was scared to death.
Gina’s labor lasted another couple hours before she dilated enough to start pushing. During that time, I sat in the waiting room trading uncomfortable stares with a couple of her family members. Jacob was in the hallway with me when the nurse came out and said Gina’s ready to see me.
I walked into the room and it wasn’t at all like I expected. I took a deep breath and looked at my boy, who, oddly, looked like he was more nervous than I was. There were three nurses standing around and Gina’s obstetrician was in the trenches. It felt awkward being the only male in the room. I wasn’t sure where to stand. Gina’s mom was at her side and her cousin was near a table by the window, funneling chips of ice into cups. Gina was panting and sweating profusely. Even when she wasn’t making any noise I could tell that the contractions had her in a state of constant discomfort.
When I made eye contact with Gina, the first thing I thought was that she looked a mess. Her hair was in two big fat braids and her skin looked like she’d broken out with a heat rash. I didn’t really know what to expect, but she cracked a smile and it was like all of a sudden I was glad I’d come. No matter what happened, I knew that she needed me there.
I asked, “You okay?”
She nodded and I walked toward her. Something told me to kiss her forehead, and as I leaned in she jerked up. She head butted me right in the lips as a contraction racked her body. “Ayyyyyyhhhhhhhh,” she let out.
“Mmmmmm,” I let out as I tasted the blood in my mouth from the inside of my lips.
I didn’t have time to absorb the pain as she grabbed my hand with the force of a bodybuilder.
After that, everything else was a blur. I heard orders to push, then push harder. Then there was a bunch of cursing, mostly dammits and shits. They all came from Gina. Forty minutes later the doctor delivered a six-pound, seven-ounce baby girl.
I was stunned at the whole spectacle of birth. I couldn’t believe what my eyes had shown me, and I absolutely had a new and more profound respect for women. What really shocked me was when Gina whispered to me, “Come here, Diego.”
I moved in close and she said, “Thanks for coming.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m glad I came. I’m glad you’re fine and that the baby is, too.”
“Speaking of the baby, I don’t know what to name her. Do you know of any cute girl names?”
I was stuck. All the kids that I came in contact with, and I couldn’t come up with one name. Then it hit me. When I looked at the baby, I felt like the sky had opened up, giving me a wake-up call. If she turned out to be my child, then I was going to be the best dad that I could. The kid would be my little slice of heaven, and so I said, “Let’s call her Heaven.”
Gina nodded and smiled in approval. “Heaven,” she said aloud. “If I give her your last name, she’ll be Heaven Christian.” Then we both laughed.
“How about we make Heaven her middle name? Just name her after your mom.”
“Do you even know my mom’s name?”
“No.”
“Well, you ought to know, it’s Alicia.”
We went with Heaven.
24
Right to Do Wrong
Dear Dr. C.,
I’ve been seeing a guy for two years now. I’m twenty-seven and this is the first real long-term relationship I’ve been in, but for the last six months, me and my man have been going through so many changes. I have to admit that it’s mostly because of me. Some days I want the relationship, some days I don’t. It’s nothing that he’s doing right or wrong. Sometimes I just can’t seem to handle anything that comes my way. It seems as if I’m always going off on him or shutting down. At those times I don’t want to even take his calls. This drives him crazy. He thinks I’m seeing someone behind his back and I understand why, but I’m not. When I slip into that dark place, I’m feeling so low that I simply can’t deal with him or the world. A couple of my girlfriends tell me that they go through the same thing.
Then, other times, I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him. He says that when I’m on, I make him feel like a king and that no one has ever made him feel like this. I know that loving me is like a roller-coaster ride and that he is getting tired of the ride.
I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know if I have the ability to straighten myself out. What do you suggest?
Dark Days in Detroit
Dear Darkness,
I have to ask you a simple question. Has it ever crossed your mind that you need counseling or even to see a clinical psychologist? It’s true that a lot of women have those major mood swings, once a month, but it sounds like what you are dealing with is beyond that. Hear me loud and clear. There is nothing wrong with getting some professional help. If you had high blood pressure, you want some medicine or to have it treated, right? Well, if you are suffering from depression, or if you are bipolar, you need to be treated. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re simply immature and need to grow up, but you had better talk to someone because you are no good to yourself or anyone in the state you are. Remember, it’s okay if you’re not okay. We all have issues; some of them are too heavy to cope with alone.
If you are going to sit around and try to rationalize your behavior and choose to do nothing to help yourself get better—because you are suffering from a condition, mental or emotional—then do all men and lesbians a favor, stay single.
Yours truly,
Dr. C.
Life-changing was the word I’d use to describe the kind of month that April had been. I was, in fact, a father and had felt as if my life was now being transformed by a tiny little person. For the past month I’d spent time with Gina and the baby, unsure of what the results would be. But we didn’t waste any time, and two weeks after she’d brought the baby home, we had the test performed.
Getting the results had hit home in a serious way and I felt as though I had to make some changes in my life. The first thing that I’d decided to do was get to know Gina. We didn’t put any pressure on ourselves to try to all of a sudden become a couple. We both were content with just trying to build a friendship. I definitely had been attracted to her, at least before she got pregnant. She was sexy, and she was smart enough, but that was all I really knew.
In the meantime, I had Paige, who was taking care of all my other needs. She was more like a girlfriend, only she was married to someone else, which
remained alarmingly comfortable for me. I couldn’t help it, though; she always made me laugh and had begun to get to know me beyond the surface, and the sex was no holds barred, off the meter, hot. The catch was that we could only take it so far. She had a life and home and I still hadn’t addressed my demons enough to stop doing what I knew was wrong.
Surprisingly, Paige was very supportive when I told her about the baby. It didn’t affect what we were doing at all. “I’ll babysit, but I’m not changing any Pampers” was her only rule.
There was one night when Paige and I were lying in bed and Gina called. She didn’t really want to discuss anything to do with the baby, just to chat. I gave her a few moments of conversation before politely telling her that I was in the middle of something and would call her back.
Paige had rolled over and said to me, “You care about her, huh?”
“Gina?”
“Yeah. I can hear it in your voice. There’s something there.”
“I don’t know about that. I think I might care about her feelings.”
“Diego, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s a bond between the two of you that will probably grow. I respect that.”
Ladies Listen Up Page 22
