Holly leaned against Louise. The housekeeper wasn't her mother, but it felt nice to be comforted. "It's not your fault," she whispered. "It's no one's fault."
"It's mine. He knows what his father did, what he wanted, and that changed him."
Holly raised her head. "That was a long time ago."
"Jordan hasn't forgotten."
"Louise, you didn't ask Earl Haynes to divorce his wife."
"The result is the same, as if I did."
"You're blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault."
Louise was quiet for a minute. Her blue eyes darkened, and the lines around her eyes and mouth deepened. "I wish I could believe you were right, but in my heart I know the truth. Jordan was scarred that day. You forget I've known the Haynes brothers for years. I know that Craig was too responsible, that Travis worried about not being a good father, and Kyle wondered if he would ever grow up enough to care about someone else. I even know that Austin believed himself to be unlovable. And Jordan…" She drew in a deep breath. "Jordan is the most difficult of all."
"Jordan believes love hurts," Holly whispered.
"Yes, he does. He's wrong, of course. All he has to do is look around his family and see all the good that love has brought them. But he's stubborn, like most men."
Holly straightened and wiped her fingers across her face. "Am I wrong not to marry him?"
"Only you can answer that."
Holly nodded. She already knew the truth. Hearing it from Louise confirmed everything she knew. "Since I was fifteen years old, I've been scared to trust anyone. My world wasn't secure at all. I've made my peace with that. I've learned to trust again. I trust Jordan and I love him. But if he can't trust and love me back, then I can't be with him."
"You're very brave," Louise said. "I wish I could be like you."
Holly frowned. "I don't understand."
Louise wrapped her hands around her coffee mug and squeezed until her knuckles turned white. "I keep thinking about what you said about my daughter. I want to get in touch with her. I want to give her a choice."
For the first time since the proposal, Holly smiled. "Do it, Louise. You've lost so much time with her already. If she doesn't want to see you, then you'll have the answer to your question. I know that would be painful to hear, but at least then you'll know. I suspect she's going to be thrilled to hear from you. Wait until she finds out she has four half brothers."
Louise shrugged. "I might not tell her that all at once. I wouldn't want to scare her away." She thought for a minute. "You're right. I'll do it. We've lost twenty-eight years already. I don't want to lose another minute."
Holly was pleased. At least one of them had a chance at happiness.
* * *
Jordan opened the front door and stepped inside his house. He knew right away that something was wrong. He wasn't sure if it was the absence of sound or movement, or just a sixth sense kicking in.
He started to take the stairs two at a time, then turned back and headed for the study that had been his makeshift bedroom. The closet door was partially closed. He flung it open and stared at the clean, bare floor. He didn't have to look any further. Mistletoe was gone, and with her, Holly.
He walked to the chair next to the rented hospital bed that was being returned in the morning. He sank down, rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.
Gone. Just like that. Without warning. Without saying goodbye.
As soon as she'd refused his proposal, he knew he'd done everything all wrong. He should have planned his words better. But the truth was, he hadn't thought he would be proposing. He'd been thinking about not wanting to lose her when he'd blurted everything out.
He'd been a fool. Worse, he'd hurt her. Now she was gone and he didn't know what he was going to do.
"She left a note."
He glanced up. Louise had silently entered the room. She stood in front of him and held out an envelope. He took it, then opened it and glanced at the contents.
Jordan,
I'm sorry to leave this way. It seems so cowardly, but I'm the first to confess I don't have the courage to face you right now. I'm leaving because I can't stay. Before it was easy to pretend I didn't love you. I can't do that anymore. I know this doesn't make sense. After all, if I really loved you why wouldn't I jump at your proposal? Maybe I'm being foolish and wishing for the moon. I don't know. The only thing I am sure of is that I want a man who can love me back. One who trusts me enough to give his heart. I don't blame you for not being able to do that. I wish it could have been different.
Much love,
Holly.
He read the paper over and over until he'd memorized every word. Until he couldn't breathe past the pain or focus on anything but the ripping hole in his chest. Then he crumpled the note in his hand.
"She's gone," he said, too stunned to realize he'd spoken the words out loud.
"This morning." Louise took a step closer to him. "I know you don't want to hear this from me, and you're not going to believe me, but I'm sorry, Jordan. Sorry for both of you." She paused. "I'm leaving, too. You're back on your feet, and with Holly gone you don't really need me."
He nodded without saying anything. She started from the room.
"Wait!" he called, springing to his feet and hurrying after her. "Where did she go?"
Louise's gaze saw far too much. "Does it matter?"
"Yes."
"She's rented the gate house on Kyle and Sandy's property." She touched his forearm. "You have your reasons for hating me," she said. "I don't agree with them, but I understand. Even so, I'm going to give you a piece of advice. You're a fool if you let her go."
He tightened his fist around the small ball of paper. "It's none of your business."
She laughed. "You're right, it isn't. So what? Are you going to get mad at me? Jordan, you've carried a chip on your shoulder for nearly twenty years. I don't care what you think anymore. You can continue to act like a bastard, but I don't give a damn."
Maybe it was the rawness of the pain, or the shock. For once Jordan wasn't able to hide behind a mask of indifference. For the first time since that afternoon so many years ago, he allowed himself to really look at Louise.
Her plastic Christmas-tree earrings caught the light and twinkled. There were lines around her eyes, and her skin wasn't as tight as it had been, but other than that, she was the same woman she'd always been. She had a good heart. Her willingness to put up with him proved that.
Jordan thought about how empty his world was going to be now that Holly was gone. If his father had felt a tenth of the same feelings for Louise, then maybe Jordan could understand some of his actions. He still didn't excuse them, but he could almost understand.
If he was willing to go that far for his father, the truly guilty party, then what did he owe the woman in front of him? She had made a mistake. One she'd paid for every day of the past twenty-nine years. She'd only been seventeen. He'd hated her for destroying his family, when the truth was his family had never been more than a collection of unrelated parts. Earl Haynes had made sure there was nothing left to destroy.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Her gaze narrowed. "What'd you say?"
"I'm sorry. I blamed you for everything, and it was never your fault."
She planted her hands on her hips. "Dammit, Jordan, I just got this thing figured out. Don't you go confusing me again."
He shook his head. "I wanted to blame you because it was safer than blaming my father. It's been a whole lot easier to be angry with you. I've made your life hell. An apology can't change that or the past, but it's all I have."
She pursed her lips, then wiped at the corner of her eye. "I can't believe this. Now you've got me all weepy. Apology accepted."
He didn't believe her. "Just like that?"
"Would you feel better if I punished you first?"
"Yes."
"It's not my style. I have a big heart, Jordan. I can forgive. I'm not saying I wo
n't be snippy a time or two when I remember how mean you have been, but I understand why you did it. If you're sincere, then I'm willing to forgive."
He reached out and drew her next to him. She was stiff at first, then she relaxed against him. "Now I know why my father fell in love with you."
She swatted his arm and stepped back. "You Haynes boys were always sweet-talkers. Stop wasting time with me. Go find Holly and bring her back."
Now it was his turn to be uncomfortable. "I can't."
"Figures you couldn't be good-looking and smart. Tell me why not."
"She needs me to love her."
"You do."
He shook his head. "No, I don't. I won't love her."
"Didn't you learn anything? You don't get a choice about loving someone, Jordan. It just happens, then you have to deal with it. Can't you see you've loved her from the first moment you set eyes on the girl?"
"No." He turned away. Not love. Never love. He knew the danger, the price love extracted. He'd felt the cold blade of love, and knew the damage inherent in the emotion.
"There's no fool like an old fool," Louise muttered, and left the room.
Jordan was alone in the silence. He listened to it and wondered how long it would take for him to forget the woman he'd lost.
* * *
Jordan felt like a fifth-grader being called to the principal's office. He stood in front of the fireplace, facing his three brothers and Austin.
Kyle threw himself on the sofa and raised his hands toward the heavens. "You talk to him," he said in disgust. "He's not listening to a word I'm saying."
"I'm listening," Jordan explained patiently. "I agree with your point. However, nothing has changed."
Travis paced from the Christmas tree to the far wall. "Everything has changed, Jordan. That's the point. We're all different. Ten years ago – hell, five years ago – I would have agreed with you. Loving someone was a terrifying thought. None of us knew how to have a relationship. Dad really screwed us up inside. But we've all learned to take a chance. That's what this is about. When you find someone special, you have to be willing to take risks."
Jordan frowned. He appreciated what they were trying to do, but they didn't understand the situation. They didn't know the real truth. It had been easier for them.
Yet a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that he wanted his brothers to convince him. He wanted to believe. In the seven days Holly had been gone, he'd learned that surviving without her was nearly impossible. He couldn't stop thinking about her. He needed to hear her voice, her laughter. He needed to hold her and touch her; he needed to explain how empty his world was without her. He even missed the damn cat.
"We've all let the past go," Travis said. "You've got to do the same."
"It's not that simple," a woman said.
Jordan glanced up at the newcomer. Louise entered the living room and looked at him.
"You didn't tell them, did you?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"Why not?"
"It's your secret," he said. "It wasn't mine to share."
She wore a cobalt blue blouse that brought out the color in her eyes. But her face was pale, and her mouth pulled into a straight line.
"The time for secrets is over," she said. "Travis, have a seat." She motioned to the sofas.
Austin and Craig sat in one. Travis joined Kyle in the other. Louise stood in front of the men and clasped her hands loosely together. Jordan moved behind her and squeezed her shoulders. She gave him a brief smile that didn't quite take, then drew in a breath.
"Twenty-nine years ago, when I was seventeen, I had an affair with Earl Haynes."
As she told the story, Jordan walked over and stared at the Christmas tree. There were ornaments from his childhood and several Victorian decorations that Holly had brought. He touched an old-fashioned Santa and remembered her laughing as she'd placed it on the tree. Somehow in a few short weeks she'd woven herself into the fabric of his life. Short of unraveling everything into a pile of string, he didn't know how he was going to let her go.
His brothers listened quietly. Jordan watched the different emotions play across their faces. Confusion, surprise, concern. He didn't see any anger. None of them blamed Louise.
"You're saying we have a sister?" Craig asked when she was finished.
"Half sister."
Travis grinned. "Hot damn."
Kyle bounced to his feet. "Hey, I'm not the youngest anymore."
"Where is she?" Craig asked, also getting to his feet.
"Have you been in touch with her?" Kyle asked.
Louise held up her hands. "One at a time. No, I haven't been in touch with her. I gave her up for adoption. I don't know where she is."
Travis glanced at his brothers. "We have to find her. I know a good private detective. Let's go down to the station and give him a call."
Kyle linked his arm through Louise's and headed for the door. "Do you know her name? Maybe we can trace her through the computer."
Craig joined them. "I have a couple of friends with federal agencies. They can help, too. We'll find her, Louise. Then you can invite her home."
They were still talking when the front door closed behind them.
"How do you feel about having a half sister?" Austin asked.
Jordan turned. His friend still sat on the sofa. "I thought you left with the rest of them."
Austin shrugged. "Your problem never got resolved."
"Maybe there isn't a solution."
"Maybe." The other man wore his hair long, and he had an earring in one ear. Compared to the clean-cut Haynes brothers, he was an outlaw. But he was family, so they teased him about his wild ways and accepted him into the fold.
Austin stretched his long legs out in front of him and stared at his black cowboy boots. "You're afraid," he said flatly. "That's what this is all about."
"Bull."
"Deny it all you want, it doesn't change the truth. I know, Jordan. I recognize the symptoms." Austin glanced up. His dark eyes didn't give anything away. "I never wanted to care about Rebecca. Sure, I knew who she was. I even knew she had a crush on me. But I wasn't going to get involved. Not with an innocent like her."
Jordan thought about Holly's innocence. She'd been a virgin. Now that was gone. He couldn't replace what he'd taken.
"Then one day she was in my life," Austin continued. "Soaking wet and dripping in my garage. I couldn't turn her away and in the end I couldn't resist her."
"Do you have a point?" Jordan asked, perching on the far end of the sofa.
"Yeah, I do." Austin shifted, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He laced his fingers together. "The worst part is the unknown. The pain of being alone, the loneliness, is familiar. You've dealt with that. You understand it. But loving someone, risking everything, is unknown. There's no way to know how bad it's going to be. You barely survive the pain of being alone, so how can you deal with anything worse? So you don't bother to try."
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Jordan said, but he was bluffing. Everything Austin said made sense.
Fortunately Austin ignored him. "I nearly lost Rebecca because I was a fool. You're doing the same thing." He rose to his feet. "Don't. Don't let pride and fear stand in the way. Even if we'd only had one day together, I still would have risked it. Knowing what I know now, my only regret is that I held back so long. I hate to think of the time I wasted being foolish. Don't you do the same thing. You're never going to find another Holly. If you let her go, you'll spend the rest of your life waiting for the pain to stop. And it never will."
With that, he left.
Once again Jordan was alone in the silence. He sat in front of the Christmas tree and tried to figure out what he was going to do.
Austin had made sense, but he didn't know all the facts. Jordan knew loving someone was more than a risk. It was a promise for disaster. He'd seen the consequences of love and what it had done to his family. He'd seen
the pain and suffering.
A thin shaft of sunlight danced off the ornaments. He remembered last year when he'd spent the day at Kyle and Sandy's while the kids decorated the tree. He remembered the laughter and joy in the house.
As he closed his eyes, he could see and hear conversations and incidents from the past few years. Husbands and wives, nieces and nephews, births, holidays, celebrations. Hundreds of disconnected events, thousands of happy moments, with one constant emotion.
Love.
For the first thirty years something had destroyed the Haynes family, but it hadn't been love. Travis and Craig had chosen poorly the first time they'd married, but then they'd figured out their mistakes.
Love hadn't torn apart his family. Love had made them whole.
Holly had offered her heart to him, and he'd turned her down. What the hell was wrong with him?
He raced toward the front door, pausing only long enough to grab his leather jacket, then hurried down the porch stairs and to his car.
Fifteen minutes later he stood in front of the small gatehouse she had rented. He raised his hand to knock, then paused. What was he going to say to her? How could he convince her to believe him and give him a second chance?
He figured the words would come or not, then rapped sharply. The door opened, and she stood in front of him.
Her long blond hair was loose around her face, the way he liked it. The silky strands hung almost to her waist. Wide blue eyes stared at him. Her mouth parted slightly, but she didn't speak. She wore a rose sweater over dark leggings. Her feet were bare. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. He wanted her as he'd never wanted any woman before. He needed her.
"Jordan?" The soft sound of her voice washed over him, healing him and giving him courage.
She stepped back and motioned for him to come inside. He did as she requested, then shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it on the sofa in the small but neat living room.
"Holly, I—" He wasn't sure what to say. He took her hands in his and gripped them tightly.
"Marry me," he said. "Not because it's sensible or because we'd be good together. Marry me because you are the best part of my world. Marry me because without you my soul is cold and dark and my heart doesn't know how to love. Marry me because I need you more than I need to draw breath. Marry me because…"
HOLLY AND MISTLETOE Page 20
