The sanctuary that I’ll always seek
My natural light when the sun begins to fade
You give me feelings no one else could replicate
I need your touch like I need air to breathe, I need your softness
And I do believe— I am all that I am because you love me.
You’re my lover, my pleasure, my shadow, my fire
You make my heart sing like some angelic choir
I could continue with the words of this song
Because you’re my perfect sunset and my graceful dawn
I need your touch like I need air to breathe, I need your softness
And I do believe— I am definitely all that I am because you love me.
You’re love n’ lace, and a beautiful face,
One look at you my heart picks up its pace.
You’re the wind behind me when I can’t go on,
My perfect sunset and my graceful dawn
I need your touch like I need air to breathe, I need your softness
And I do believe— I am definitely all that I am because you love me.
You’re my confidence when I’m filled with self-doubt,
My welcome monsoon in the midst of a drought
You picked me up when I was on my knees
Your awesome smile is like a summer breeze
Val, you’re my lover, my pleasure, my shadow,
My undying passion and my one heart’s desire,
So, babe, I need your touch like I need air to breathe, I need your softness, your touch, and that hot intimacy, and I want you to know I feel I’m all that I am because you love me.
Valerie’s eyes were brimming with tears while others streamed down her face. She reached out and placed her hand to the side of my face and I leaned into the warmth of her palm before I took it and placed it in front of her, reaching for her other one. Sliding my hands under hers, I closed my fingers around them and held them firmly, as my heart’s erratic rhythm filled me with anticipation.
“Valerie, babe, you are so many things to me, the words of this song are but a few of the things you mean to me. You’re my one and only, and I can’t imagine life without you. You must know by now that I love you with all that I am, for all time. I’ve said it a thousand times, but I’m taking this awesome opportunity to say believe me babe, my heart is yours. I know I’m a rock star, and we can be demanding, but every word in that song is how you make me feel. You are all of those things and a million more to me, but I’m going to push my luck and demand that you be one more thing to me. Valerie, my sweet, beautiful, sassy girl, would you do me the greatest honor and marry me?”
Sitting quietly, our eyes had connected as she gave me a soul-searching look, but I hadn’t missed it when her breath hitched at my question. My heart raced to the point I had an ache in my chest and my lips tingled at the speed my adrenaline flowed through me with every second that passed when she hadn’t answered.
The moment she drew breath to speak I stopped breathing. My heart that had been pounding in my chest stuttered as I waited for her to put me out of my misery and agree to be mine forever.
“That was beautiful, Flynn. I want you to know how special I feel for what you did for me tonight. I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet right now…”
She paused, and suddenly my confidence shattered, “I get it, Valerie. You’re scared we’ll fuck up because we’re still young. That we may not stay together because of what I do. You see so many other couples fall by the wayside, victims of this crazy lifestyle we live. I’m not going to force the issue anymore but feel our balance. I feel how connected we are. I’m never going to stifle you, babe…and I’m never going to let you down.”
“I know that now, Flynn. All the words in the song you wrote apply to my feelings about you, too. I couldn’t have said it better.”
“But?”
“I promise by the end of the show tomorrow night you’ll have my answer. I just need one more day.”
“Why?”
“I’m not saying no, Flynn. Please?”
Hurt didn’t begin to cut it for how I felt. It was as if she’d ripped my heart right out of my chest and stomped on it. I was grateful for my lack of practice at that kind of event because I hadn’t even gotten to take the ring out of my pocket.
I slapped my hands on my rough denim clad knees, and I stood slowly. I blew out a long shaky breath as I tried to control a range of feelings that felt like an unexploded bomb ticking inside my head. The space around us was a blanket of darkness, and the only sounds were the crackling of wood in the fire.
I stared up at the perfect sky and figured I’d done all I could to show her how serious I was. If that still wasn’t enough, then I was done asking. “Then I guess you have to take the time you need, babe,” I said. I could hear the rejection in my voice, but when I looked to her, I could see that she hadn’t found it easy to be honest.
Valerie stood and placed her hand on my chest, and I stared into the eyes of the woman who held my heart in her hand, “I’m not saying no, Flynn. I just need until after the show, and I promise you’ll have my answer then.”
I wanted to challenge her. Scream. It would have been so easy to have lost it, but then thought maybe the whole thing had been a bad idea. Visiting the ghosts of her brothers one minute and then to have proposed in almost the same breath had been crazy. Inhaling deeply, I swallowed as I fought to control my scattered emotions and cupped my hand behind her head, cradling it protectively. “Whatever you need, babe,” I’d said in reassurance.
We had nothing to stay there for so I began to guide us back to the helicopter through the house. Tig must have felt the vibe between us and thankfully never said anything to enhance the awkwardness in the air between Valerie and me as we headed for the chopper.
The pilot was the same, like there was this guy code thing going on where they just knew my question hadn’t brought the response I’d expected. Robert’s homeward playlist was a mixture of 70’s and 80’s rock with tunes from the day by Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, Thin Lizzy, and Deep Purple.
By the time he flew us down over the Strip, introspection had covered every emotion from anger to sadness and everything in between. Valerie had obviously been thinking because I watched her contemplate what had happened by the glow of the cockpit lighting while she stared silently out into the night sky.
My heart ached. It felt like I loved someone so much who didn’t feel the same way about me, yet I knew that wasn’t the case. The conflict I felt inside of me filled my head with words of anger I barely managed to bite back. It was only because I had seen her in her raw state during her loss and the changes that occurred in her since that day, that I knew how convoluted her thoughts could get.
Valerie was unique, that one in a million person with a complicated mind; but sometimes those types of people disabled themselves by focusing on one negative aspect in a hundred instead of the other ninety-nine positive ones. I got her. My history gave me an affinity for what she had been through. Plus, I had almost five years on her age-wise.
The facts were that I loved her beyond doubt, that she was the mother of my child, and I knew all of her history. Those were my focus to help me contain my bitterness not losing my shit and bawling at her. So, I gave her that day of breathing space she asked for even though emotionally, I felt wrecked.
Chapter 34
Cruel to be kind
Valerie
Returning to Las Vegas filled me with dread. I had some major anxiety for several reasons. Being in the place where my brothers had died, I was worried about how Kayden would cope when he was reminded of his terrible ordeal.
I knew it would be a challenging time for him and exacerbate his nervousness about performing with the band. I was also nervous because I’d lied to Flynn and left him the minute we’d arrived at the hotel, by saying I had band business when I’d had a secret meeting with the one person who could help me with
my plan.
Keller Muir was an awesome music video director and had become a friend after we’d shot the first Music Video for RedA. He was the only guy I trusted to help me pull off something of the magnitude I had in mind. When I’d shot him a text asking for his help, he hadn’t hesitated. I texted him when Flynn was in the booth in the studio and as if he had a sixth sense, he placed his guitar on the stand came out and asked who I was texting. I was riddled with guilt for lying.
While Flynn and the guys had spent the previous two days rehearsing in Iowa, I had been searching through all of our pictures, choosing all the ones I thought said so much about us. Keller and I were both professionals, and I had tons of video footage and photos, but I needed an objective eye to select the best of the best. After giving him remote computer access to my drives and cloud files, he’d started editing in earnest and by the time I’d met with him in Vegas, we had a rough draft of the storyboard I wanted on videotape.
I had given him three songs I wanted laid over the visual content and when he heard what I’d chosen he agreed they were perfect. By the time I’d arrived at our suite at the Caesar’s Palace Hotel and faced Flynn, I was exhausted from all the nervous energy I’d spent and worried at how Flynn would respond when I shared it with him.
Keller had spoken to the digital artistry team at Caesar’s Palace Colosseum in my absence, and he assured me they’d be doing some test runs of it together with him so that it would be perfect. The last thing either of us wanted was any editing issues, especially with the music transition between clips. It was nerve racking leaving it all up to someone else from that point, but I couldn’t be involved because Flynn knew my routines on concert days.
I almost dug my heels in and pressed Flynn to stay home the night before their concert. After I knew what he’d planned I really wished I had, but then I’d have missed his amazing gesture and his fabulously romantic proposal under the stars. It was magical, and I had wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him yes, and I felt distressed when I asked for a day. However, part of me knew it would only be a matter of time before he thought I had just given in to him because I’d always been so vocal about not needing to be married.
When I asked him for more time, I felt horrible and like my heart was being ripped open as he stood helplessly staring up at the stars. I never wanted to hurt him—ever, but I’d been planning my surprise for days, and I felt he deserved to know how categorically on board I was about being his wife.
So, I’d asked him for a day knowing he’d never suspect what I had to do. Proposing in Vegas felt absolutely right and even though Martin and Adam could never be with us, it felt strangely comforting that their spirits were freed in a place called Paradise, even if it was Nevada.
My heart had felt the weight of what I’d done when I saw how dejected Flynn was by my indecisive and feeble answer the night before. It was such an awful thing I did, but I did it for the right reason— as much for me as it was for him. I was beyond frustrated with snide remarks and people thinking he was only with me because we had a child. If I had a dollar for every time I’d heard that particular remark, I would have been able to buy a cruise ship with all that spare cash. Apart from that, every skank from here to Paris seemed to think it was game on whenever they saw him. As far as they were concerned, he was single.
Flynn had been moping around with a pained, wounded look on his face, and it choked me to see. Several times I inhaled deeply to prevent myself from giving away my secret, and I almost broke at one point and told him just how much I wanted what he was offering. I’d never been one for games, and the sight of how badly I’d hurt him had been crucifying me on the day of the concert.
The one thing that held me back from disclosing what I had planned was that I was only hours away from making it right. I had Niven bring Liam over to our suite as a distraction. My guy’s face lit up with the only genuine smile I’d seen since the previous night before he’d proposed when Liam came into the room. Liam was his usual wrecking ball self, bringing chaos and fun to our afternoon and a light-hearted joyful atmosphere to our otherwise stilted conversation that day.
By the time Flynn left for the soundcheck. I was eaten up with guilt. Just before he left Niven took Liam to the Venetian Hotel to wander around, and I had gone over to Flynn and sat on his lap. He was slow to look me in the eye, so I tilted his head back until his eyes met mine. “Sorry, baby. I love you so much. Nothing has changed between us. You’re my world. I need you to know that.”
“Yeah, you said,” Flynn answered, setting me aside as he stood and shrugged himself into his leather jacket, picked up a wad of $100 bills and stuffed them into his back pocket. “I’m gonna head off to the soundcheck and give you that time to breathe, Valerie,” he said in a flat voice.
There was no way I was letting him leave like that when it was my fault he was so down. Had I not involved Keller I knew I’d have accepted his proposal on the spot. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his waist, “Flynn Docherty, I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I’ll love you even more tomorrow. Don’t ever doubt that. You asked for my trust, now I’m asking you to trust me. When the night is done, we’ll have worked it out. So, right now I’m going to say something to you that you’ve said to me time and again and I need you to feel it. Everything will be okay in the end, and if it isn’t, then it’s not the end.”
He gave me a small smile and leaned forward to kiss me tenderly, his soft, warm lips pressed against mine. Within seconds that wasn’t enough between us and our tenderness gave way to passion while he walked me back against the wall.
“I’m not giving up on you, Valerie. Never. You’re fucking mine. Mine.”
“I am yours, Flynn. I’m right here exactly where I want to be. I’m not going anywhere without you.”
Flynn gave me a wider smile that showed his dimple and creased his skin when it reached his eyes, “And if that’s the best I can have, I’ll gladly take it, babe,” he said, and my heart splintered that I was the cause of his pain. Reluctantly, I let him go, and he walked to the door. “You’ll be there before I go on?”
“Absolutely, wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I said and watched him smile, look down and turn the handle. “I guess I’ll see you later then.”
“No doubt,” I responded as he left the room.
I sighed heavily as my eyes filled with tears and prayed that what I had planned would wash all his hurt away. After watching him during the previous eighteen hours I knew what it meant to be cruel to be kind.
*****
As soon as Flynn left me, I went to Keller’s room. His equipment was already set up and waiting for me. I slid onto the chair in front of his serious piece of hardware to film my final piece and five minutes later, he stopped recording and clapped his hands.
“Awesome, honey. We’re all set. I’m just going to edit it together with the rest, and we’ll be good to go. Now make yourself pretty for your debut,” he chuckled and hugged me when I stood up.
A knock on the door interrupted us and Keller went to answer it. A heavily inked guy entered the room and shook my hand. I swallowed roughly at the step I had decided to take, but I had known from the moment it had crossed my mind, it was something I wanted to do as a demonstration of my love for Flynn.
I ran back to our suite showered and changed then headed back to his room once more to see the results of our effort. Keller had done an amazing job, and we studied the newly edited six-minute piece several times while we checked and rechecked the transitions with the music for faults. There were none, and Keller checked with Clay about the copyright permission for the music we wanted to use and advised me we were good to go. I left him with a belly full of butterflies while Keller made his way back to the venue with the final edit.
I felt awful that I hadn’t seen Kayden all day. All my time was spent trying to reassure Flynn he had nothing to worry about and then they’d gone off for the soundcheck. By the time I arr
ived backstage, there were so many people it was mayhem. I must have shaken at least sixty hands, and eventually I called time on the non-essential personnel to vacate the area. Flynn seemed more like his normal self for being away from me. His rehearsal had forced his mind on his work, and I was thankful for that.
By 8:55 p.m., the band had made their way to the wing to the left of the stage, and I thought I was going to pass out with nerves. I was standing by the side of the stage with my heart about to explode, and I knew I was about to put myself out there for Flynn like I never had before. It had to be flawless because of the onlookers and for Flynn it had to be the performance of my life. I wasn’t a star, and the people out in front where definitely no fans of mine, but when I heard the crowd grow silent I almost froze because I knew that was my cue.
Instead of the band counting themselves in, the screen lit up behind them and an image of me sitting in Keller’s suite stared down at everyone. The whole band turned to look at the backdrop and Flynn turned and glanced to the side with a confused expression before he looked back up at the screen. As he did, the music kicked in.
“Hey, babe, it’s me,” I said, waving and gesturing at myself with both index fingers before clasping my hands in front of me. “So, you just left for your soundcheck, and I felt your hurt, honey. Since last night my heart has been torn right down the middle too, honey.” I said, with a worried expression.
“Maybe I should tell all your awesome followers why you were hurting, Flynn. Guys, I’m sorry, but last night this awesome man asked me the question that most women here would die to hear pass his lips. He asked me, ‘Will you marry me and be my wife?’ He said it in the most perfectly romantic and private way. At the time I wasn’t expecting it, and he’s about to find out the reason why I couldn’t say yes.”
The crowd erupted with boo’s and low whistles and the video played on, “Flynn, I’m so sorry, baby. Nothing would have given me more pleasure than to say yes to you last night. If I had, I know you would have struggled in accepting my answer because we’re here in Las Vegas, and the history of this place holds ghosts for me.”
Ready For Flynn,Part 3: A Rockstar Romance: Ready For Flynn Series Page 30
