by E. L. Todd
Ryan wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we walked away, blending in with the darkness of the hallway. When we got to the street, I wasn’t even watching where we were going, but since Ryan was with me, I didn’t care. He guided me down the street until we reached Mega-Shake.
“I have a feeling we are going to need one,” he said as he opened the door for me.
I took a seat and he ordered the milkshakes then brought them to the table.
Ryan stared at me and I could see the despair on his face. He hated seeing me in pain. “We don’t have to talk about it,” he said quietly. “But whenever you’re ready, I’m here to listen.”
“I love you,” I said suddenly. “You have always been there for me when I don’t deserve it—even now.”
“That’s because I love you more than anything,” he said.
“Too bad Sean doesn’t feel that way.”
Ryan was trying to hide his anger, but some of it shined through. “That’s because that fucker is an idiot.”
I nodded. “Yes.” The streets were deserted of people on that Friday night because of an approaching storm. The wind was practically blowing down the trees, but I was oblivious to it all. My thoughts were stuck on Sean.
“Did you get any new manuscripts?” he asked.
“Not today.”
Ryan nodded.
“Penelope is pregnant with his baby so he left me for her,” I blurted out. I knew Ryan wanted to know what happened and I didn’t see the point in hiding it.
Ryan stared at me for a moment. “What?”
“He says he wants to try to be a family. I told him he could be in the child’s life without being with Penelope, but he doesn’t want that. He wants to make it work.”
Ryan sat back and sighed. “I’m so sorry, Scar,” he said. “I can’t believe that. You seemed so happy together. I was really happy for you.”
“I know,” I whispered. “But he would rather be with her. She is just going to fuck him over like last time, but he is such an idiot that he doesn’t get it. And when he falls, he’ll be alone—I won’t be there.”
Ryan didn’t say anything for a moment. He continued to look at me, waiting to see if I had anything more to say. “I think that what he did is wrong, Scarlet, but I also understand why he made that decision.”
“Shut up, Ryan.”
“I’m telling you what you need to hear,” He snapped. “Some people are against raising children with separated parents—Sean might be one of those people.”
“Fuck you.”
He sighed. “I’m not saying what he did isn’t wrong, Scar. Listen to me. But I understand why he did it. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“No,” I snapped. “He is just using this as an excuse so he can go back to Penelope because he isn’t over her. I don’t think he gives a shit about that kid. It’s probably not even his. It’s always been Penelope—not me.”
“Sean loves you, Scarlet. I know he does.”
“You are being a really shitty brother right now.”
Ryan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was obvious that he was getting frustrated with my catty remarks, but he didn’t want to yell at me because of my obvious pain. “Do you think he would have left you if she wasn’t pregnant?”
“Yes.”
Ryan stared at me. “I don’t think he would have.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never know.”
Ryan sighed. “I’m pissed about what Sean did to you so don’t think that I don’t care. But I think it’s best if I remain calm while you’re emotional—it keeps you grounded.”
“I hope Sean dies.”
Ryan shook his head. “I know you don’t mean that.”
“Fuck yes, I do.”
“Scarlet, this is an ugly color on you,” he said. “Knock it off.”
I stared at my brother then looked away. My brother was right. I was being childish. Sean just left me and I was entitled to be angry, but I was lashing out at everything—including my brother. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“It’s okay,” he said. “Let’s go home.”
We threw our shakes away and walked back to the apartment. When we were inside, I went into my bedroom and Ryan followed me. I got into the covers and he was about to lie on the floor beside me.
“Ryan, I’m fine,” I said. “I don’t need you to sleep in here.”
“It’s okay if you aren’t fine, Scarlet.”
“But I am,” I said. “And I’m not just saying that.”
“I don’t mind sleeping with you.”
“Well, I don’t need you to.”
Ryan stared at me for a moment and noticed the determination in my eyes. He got up and walked towards the door. “I’m down the hall if you change your mind.”
“Good night.”
“Good night, Scar,” he said. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Ryan left me alone in the darkness. I picked up my phone and turned it off, not wanting to talk to anybody. I probably wouldn’t turn it on again—ever.
8
I was doing the bookkeeping at the shop while Ryan was working with his clients. I sighed when I realized that Ryan was still only breaking even. I didn’t know when business would start picking up. The government hadn’t contacted me again, and I hoped they forgot about me, which I knew was wishful thinking.
“How are the books?” Ryan asked as he walked behind the counter. My brother was being particularly nice to me since Sean dumped me. I appreciated his wing of protection, but I hated seeing him worry about me. I had already fallen low once, and I refused to do it again. My brother’s fear of my depression just made me feel worse.
“They are the same.” I sighed. “People just don’t want tattoos right now.”
Ryan sighed. “It’ll pick up again,” he said. “Business in unpredictable and constantly changing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay,” I said.
Cortland walked in the door and nodded to Ryan. “You want to grab some grub?” he asked.
“No,” Ryan answered. “I’m too busy right now. But take Scarlet.”
“You’re letting me leave for the day, boss?” I asked.
Ryan smiled at me. “Well, since you’re working for free, you can call all the shots.”
“Or is it because I’m your sugar mama?” I said. “That’s why I get to call all the shots.”
Cortland laughed. “She has a point,” he said. “Where do you want to go?”
“Whatever you want,” I said. “I’m not very hungry.”
Cortland thought for a moment. “How about a deli shop?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said.
“We’ll see you later,” Cortland said to Ryan as we walked out. Cortland opened the door for me and we drove across town to a small sandwich shop. We ordered our food and Cortland paid before we sat down. I didn’t even reach for my wallet. It was pointless.
Cortland looked at me. “You are finally learning.” He smiled.
“That you’re a douche?” I asked. “I picked up on that a long time ago.”
Cortland laughed. “I’m glad that you are taking this breakup so well,” he said. “It’s only been a week and you are doing great. I know how much you loved him.”
I wiped my mouth with a napkin. “It’s his loss.”
Cortland nodded. “You got that right,” he said. “That bitch is a fucking idiot.”
Cortland’s words made me realize how mad he was about the whole thing. Ryan and Cortland tried to act calm and collected, but I knew they were furious about what happened. I was glad that they were acting normal. It was helping me get back to my center.
“Do you like your sandwich?” he asked.
I nodded. “It’s good.”
“Maybe you should drop it on the ground then eat it.” He teased. “You might like it better that way.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m going to have to listen to this for the rest of my life, aren’t I?”
�
�You just figured that out?”
I threw a chip at him and he caught it in his mouth. “Ta-da,” he said with a slight bow.
I started laughing at the scene. My unstoppable laughter made Cortland laugh as well.
“You are so much fun to be around,” he said as he ate his food.
“It takes two people to have a good time.”
“And only one to start a party,” he said. “How is the editing going?”
“Good,” I said. “I made a payment towards my loan, but it’s nowhere near the twenty percent mark.”
“And how much is that?”
“Thirty grand,” I said.
“Wow,” he said. “Please let me lend you some money.”
“No.”
“Don’t be stubborn.”
“I have no idea if I will ever pay you back.”
“And that’s fine.”
“No,” I said. “Now drop it.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
“Make as many payments as I can.”
Cortland nodded. “My offer is always on the table.”
“I know.” I smiled. “And thank you.”
Cortland stared at me for a moment. “Has he called?”
“No.”
“That’s probably for the best,” he said. “I would hate to imagine Ryan intercepting that call.”
“I would gladly hand it over.” I smiled.
Cortland laughed. “Are you ready to go?” He pushed his food away.
“Yeah. I’m stuffed.”
“I can tell, fatty.”
“I’m a fine lady and I know it,” I said.
“I love it when girls say that,” he said as he opened the car door. “Most of the time, women just complain about their features.” Cortland shut the door then got into the driver seat. “There’s no point in complaining about something you can’t change, so just shut up.”
“Well, women are annoying.”
Cortland drove back to the apartment and walked me to the door. “What are you going to do for the rest of the day?” he asked as we walked inside.
“I have another article to write for Mark and a manuscript to finish, also known as rent money.”
Cortland laughed. “I think it’s awesome that you are helping Ryan so much,” he said. “I know he really appreciates it.”
“I know he does.”
“The shop will be back to normal soon, and then you can take care of your loans,” he said. “It’s going to be okay.”
I smiled at him. “I know it is.”
Cortland left and I started working on the article for the Seattle Gazelle when the stab of melancholy hit. Fighting it grew more difficult as the days wore on. I missed Sean immensely, and the pain of his betrayal was too much to bear. Dreams of him woke me up in the middle of the night, and I cried myself back to sleep, wishing that we were still together. Cortland and Ryan were fooled. They really thought I was fine, but I was nothing of the sort. The truth is, I’d never felt worse.
9
Sean
Penelope moved in as soon as I got home. It was a drastic change, going from being with Scarlet to living with Penelope, my pregnant fiancé, but I knew it was necessary since we were getting married anyway. Penelope’s stomach bulged out slightly, but I still thought she was beautiful and attractive.
The first time we made love, it was awkward. I thought about Scarlet. I forced the thought from my mind because I knew it was unfair to Penelope to think about somebody else, especially since she was going to be my wife and the mother of my child. I expected everything to be the same as before she left. She apologized to me often about what happened, and I always told her she was forgiven. It didn’t matter anymore.
But as the days went by, I realized that our conversations at dinner were forced, like she didn’t feel like talking most of the time. She also quit her job even though she was only five weeks pregnant. She loved her job, so I was surprised that she left it so suddenly.
It was evident that we didn’t have anything in common anymore. Penelope didn’t like sports, playing them or watching them, and we didn’t have the same taste in movies, music, or television. Most of the time, we had nothing to talk about and I wasn’t sure why. Was it always like this? Was I just so blind and infatuated by her beauty that I hadn’t noticed it before?
The sex was mediocre and passionless. When I questioned Penelope about it, she said the hormones from the pregnancy were making her moody. I dropped the topic and hoped that she was telling the truth. Since my bedroom needs weren’t being met, I assumed she would compensate in other ways, by going down on me or doing other things, but she never made an effort. I didn’t want to tell her what I wanted. I wanted her to do it on her own.
The humongous ring was always on her finger everywhere she went, which made me happy that she was proud of her commitment to me. She was also mesmerized by the ring I bought her, which had over two-karats of diamonds in the band, and had cost me a fortune. When we walked around the park after work, we walked hand in hand, but nothing was said. I tried to strike up a conversation with her or tell her a joke, but she never seemed to understand what I was saying. Sometimes I wondered if she was listening to me at all.
I told Brian about my engagement to Penelope, and like everyone else in the office, he was stunned by the news. He couldn’t believe I would dump Scarlet after I confessed how much I loved her, but I had to remind him that a baby was involved. He never understood the relevance.
When I came home from work one night, Penelope was cooking in the kitchen, preparing dinner like she did every night. I put down my bag and I realized that she didn’t ask me how my day was. In fact, she never asked me how my day was. When I really thought about it, Penelope didn’t speak to me very often, and when she did, it was usually in response to something I said.
I stared at her back as she moved in the kitchen and I felt the fear take hold. Perhaps Penelope didn’t really love me and never had. I understood that we were doing this just for the baby, but I expected us both to make an effort on our romantic relationship. It dawned on me that our relationship had always been this way; empty, lifeless, and dull, but I didn’t understand why I didn’t notice it before. Why was I only realizing it now?
When I walked over to Penelope, she didn’t turn around even though she knew I was right behind her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her cheek, but she still didn’t turn around as she continued to focus on the stove. She cared more about dinner than embracing her fiancé after he got home from work. She didn’t even say hi to me. It was like we weren’t even friends. How were we supposed to be loving parents to our kid if we didn’t even respect each other? She told me how much she loved me, but now she was indifferent to my existence. I didn’t understand what was going on.
“How was your day?” I asked.
“It was okay,” she said with a sigh. She stirred the rice in the pan then checked the chicken in the oven. Patiently, I waited for her to turn around and acknowledge me, ask me about my day, kiss me on the cheek, or even look at me. It was obviously a lost cause.
I sat on the couch and stared at the blank television screen, wishing that this wasn’t happening to me. My choice could never be changed. I was stuck with the decision I made, one that I regretted. What was the point of marrying a woman who didn’t even like me? My kid would see through that eventually. That his mother and father didn’t love each other. That’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to be a real family—not a broken one.
My phone rang from my pocket and I pulled it out, not caring about who it was. There was only one person that I wanted to talk to, and I knew she would never contact me. I’d lost her forever. The screen displayed Ryan’s name and I took a deep breath, knowing that this conversation was going to be painful. I walked into my bedroom and shut the door before I answered it.
“Hello?”
Even though Ryan didn’t yell, I could tell how angry he was by his words. “I’m not call
ing to discuss what the fuck you did to my sister,” he snapped. “I just want to know what’s going on with the will. We are running out of time.”
“I’m working on it,” I said. “I’m going as fast as I can.”
“Well, it isn’t good enough, but then again, I shouldn’t be surprised.” Ryan hung up the phone and I listened to the line go dead. I was shocked that the conversation hadn’t been worse.
“Dinner is ready,” Penelope called from the kitchen. I dropped the phone in my pocket and walked into the dining room. Penelope sat across from me while we ate. I said nothing as I ate my chicken and rice, which was delicious, as I waited for Penelope to speak up first. For the entire length of the meal, she didn’t speak or look at me, even though dinnertime was the hour you were supposed to spend talking with your family about your day. In our case, it was just awkward.
She grabbed the dishes from the table then washed and placed them in the dishwasher. I didn’t move from my spot at the table. I just stared at the wall straight ahead, which had no ornamentation or decoration at all. Penelope moved to the couch and started watching an annoying reality show. She didn’t even notice me sitting in the chair staring straight ahead.
When I got in the shower, I started crying, letting myself fall apart under the protection of the falling water. For an hour, I sat in the shower and cried like a pathetic little girl, realizing that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I needed Scarlet, but she would never be mine again and I didn’t blame her. The water fell on my body until my skin was pruned, but I couldn’t move away. I couldn’t accept the truth. I’d lost the most important thing in my life and could never get it back. I traded in a stallion for a mule. The worst part was I knew how much pain I caused Scarlet. The memory of her tears made me hate myself more than I already did. I was nothing but a monster destined to betray her over and over. I wanted to do the right thing for my child, but I realized it was the wrong decision. Now my kid would have to live with a depressed dad. If I was with Scarlet, he would have a wonderful stepmother that would love him more than this own mother did. My life had become dead and meaningless, and it wasn’t until I started a relationship with Scarlet, started really living, that I realized how empty my life was. My life with Penelope had always been this way, but now that I was in love with Scarlet, I realized I didn’t belong with her anymore. I belonged with Scarlet.
