by E. L. Todd
Ryan was quiet for a moment. “I can’t make that decision for you.”
I sighed. “Sean just stopped going to work and no one knows what happened to him. He needs me. I—I can’t just go home without checking on him.”
Ryan placed his hand on my arm. “I think what Sean did to you was unforgivable, and I don’t think he deserves a second chance, but he’s still your friend, Scarlet. Even when you hurt each other, all of that becomes irrelevant when you need one other. If you didn’t go to him, what kind of friend would you be?”
Even after I ignored Ryan for an entire year, he still took me in when I landed on his doorstep. I didn’t even call him to tell him I was coming. What I did was unforgivable and wrong, but Ryan put that aside in light of my pain. When I slept with his friend, he still pardoned it because he knew how upset I was. Without Ryan’s help, I really don’t know how I would have survived—become the strong person I was.
“I have to go to him.”
Ryan nodded. “I know.”
15
When I arrived at Sean’s door, I took a deep breath before I knocked. If Sean didn’t answer, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I’d already called him, but it went straight to his voice mail, and the recording said his inbox was full. If he wasn’t there, I didn’t know where else to look. Now I understood how Sean felt when I left.
I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I pounded my fist into the wood again, but I heard no sounds from the apartment. Frustrated, I banged my fists against the door for a few seconds before I stopped and stepped back. The sound of moving feet could be distinguished in the apartment. I felt my heart race as I heard the lock unbolt.
When Penelope opened the door, I heard myself gasp in surprise. She was the last person I expected to open the door. After what she did to Sean, I couldn’t believe that she was still there.
“Scarlet?” she asked.
The anger coursed through my body as I looked at her. Her stomach bulged out slightly, and I notice it lift up her shirt.
“Is Sean here?” I asked.
She shifted her weight and looked at me apprehensively. “He doesn’t want to see anyone.”
The door flew open under my force, and Penelope stepped back.
“Another lie, I presume?” I said as I looked around the apartment. He was nowhere in sight. His bedroom door was closed, and I assumed that he was barricading himself inside of it. I turned back to Penelope and glared at her. “You’re lucky that I refuse to hit a pregnant woman.”
I walked to the door and tried to open the handle, but it was locked. “Open the door, Sean.” There was no sound from inside the room. I knocked on the door again, but there was still no movement. There were paper clips on the kitchen table, so I grabbed one and jammed it inside the lock, picking at it until the handle was free. I pushed the door opened and stopped when I got inside.
There was trash everywhere; cans of beer and glass bottles of hard liquor. The smell of the alcohol was potent and it irritated my nose and made me cough. There were stains in the carpet from the half empty glasses that fell over when Sean stumbled around the room. Prescription bottles were littered around the floor, and I recognized the strong pain killer from the label. When I looked up, Sean was lying on the bed, completely passed out and covered in sweat. I ran my hand over his head and felt the heat from his body. His heartbeat was strong, so I knew he wasn’t dying. I shook him and tried to wake him up, but it was useless. He was completely out.
Against my internal objections, I started to cry. The sight of him broken and practically dead made my soul snap in half. Sean didn’t deserve that. Even though he betrayed me, he still shouldn’t have to go through that. I wished he had called me before it got that bad. My tears stopped falling and I wiped them away.
His room was filthy and dark, so I decided to clean it up. I grabbed a few trash bags and cleared out everything in the room, tossing all the empty glasses and prescription bottles, and then I tore the loose sheets off his bed and put them in the washer. When I vacuumed and dusted his room, Sean still didn’t wake up from the sound, and I wondered what combination of drugs and alcohol he took to make him that immobile. Since Sean was still unconscious, I ran to the store and bought groceries, stuffing his refrigerator with healthy food and snacks. I blatantly ignored Penelope while she sat on the couch and avoided my gaze. I wasn’t sure why she was still there, but I didn’t ask. Sean was killing himself in his own bedroom and Penelope hadn’t done a single thing to stop him. The knowledge was enough to make me want to kill her.
When I went back in the bedroom, Sean was still sleeping. I remade his bed while he was still on the mattress, rolling him back and forth while I tucked in the sheet. It wasn’t until hours later that Sean opened his eyes. He immediately reached for his nightstand, grabbing for a bottle that was no longer there. When he realized it was gone, he sat up.
Sean was shirtless and I could see the sweat on his chest. I sat at the edge of the bed and didn’t move while he fully woke up. I didn’t want to frighten him with my sudden appearance, so I waited for him to acknowledge me.
Sean finally looked at me, but he didn’t react. He blinked as he stared at me then ran his hands through his hair. I knew he thought he was hallucinating, still high from the prescription drugs.
“I’m real,” I whispered.
Sean stared at me. “Scarlet?” he said quietly.
“Yes.”
“I know it isn’t you,” he said. “It’s never you.”
I got up and moved closer to him. Gently, I placed my hand on his cheek then rubbed him. “I’m here,” I said. “It’s okay, Sean.”
Sean took a deep breath and his chest started to heave in pain. He placed his hand over mine and started to cry. “You came?” he asked.
“Yes,” I whispered.
Sean started to sob hysterically while I held him in my arms. I rocked him back and forth for an hour before he was able to calm down. His breathing slowed and his glands ran dry. I kissed his cheeks and whispered comforting words to him as he returned to a state of calm.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he said. “I don’t deserve you.”
“I will always care about you, Sean.”
“Well, you shouldn’t,” he said. “You should leave.”
“What you did to me broke my heart into a million pieces, Sean, but it doesn’t change our friendship. First and foremost, I am your friend—your best friend. Everything that has happened is irrelevant at this point. You need help.”
Sean nodded. “After I learned the truth I—I just fell. I wanted to die.”
“I know.”
“The moment I came back, I regretted the decision I made, Scarlet. It was obvious that Penelope didn’t love me. She didn’t want to be a family anymore. She couldn’t care less about the kid. She just needed a place to live and someone to support her. I realized that our relationship had always been that way, but I never noticed it because I was in love with her—but now I’m in love with you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I anticipated this topic, but I didn’t want to discuss it. Sean and I were over—never getting back together. He was so emotional and vulnerable that I didn’t want to hurt him, so I said nothing.
“We should get you in the shower—you’ll feel better.”
“Okay,” he whispered. He looked around his bedroom and realized it was empty. All the bottles were gone and the sheets were changed. The curtains that blocked the light in his room were absent, letting the street lights filter into the room. “You cleaned everything.”
“Yes,” I said. “And after you take a shower, we are going to have dinner.”
Sean took a deep breath. “I can’t believe you are taking care of me after what I did to you.”
I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Nothing will change this,” I said as I caressed his fingers. “When you can’t rely on anything else in the world, know that you always have this.”
Sean sighed. “I love y
ou so much,” he whispered.
“I love you too,” I said. I stood up and walked into the bathroom. “Now let’s get you cleaned up.” I pulled out a fresh towel from the cabinet and got the water running. When I returned to the bedroom, Sean was still sitting on the bed. “Come on.” I smiled.
Sean reached for the wall and got to his feet slowly. His muscles were lean from the weight he lost, and I could see how weak he was. He could barely walk. I wrapped his arm around my shoulder and helped him into the bathroom. Then, I helped him pull off his clothes. Sean didn’t seem to be uncomfortable being naked in front of me, and I respected his privacy as much as possible by averting my gaze or keeping my eyes closed.
“I don’t care if you look at me,” he whispered.
I opened the shower door and got him inside. He couldn’t stand so he sat on the shower floor, letting the water wash over him. I watched him for a moment then returned to his bedroom, putting on his old gym clothes before I walked back into the shower. He looked up when I came inside the shower and started washing his body and shampooing his hair. Sean closed his eyes and let me pamper him as the water fell on his body. The sight of him so weak made my heart throb in pain. He was unrecognizable.
After I rinsed out all the foam, I helped him to his feet and turned off the shower. Then I dried him off with a towel. When he wasn’t dripping with water, we walked back into the bedroom and I helped him into his running shorts and a shirt. I dried myself off and put on the outfit that I had been wearing earlier.
Sean lay on top of the bed with his eyes open, saying nothing as he stared at the ceiling. I sat next to him and ran my fingers through his damp hair.
“I’m going to make dinner,” I said as I got up.
Sean looked at me. “You’re going to cook for me?” he asked sadly.
“Yes,” I said as I ran my hands down his arms. “You need some food. Are you hungry?”
He nodded. “What are you making?”
“I was going to make chicken marsala.”
“That sounds good,” he whispered.
“I’ll be back in a little while.”
“Okay,” he said. “I’m tired.” He closed his eyes and I pulled the sheet over him, tucking him in like a child. When I left his bedroom, I started crying again, overwhelmed by his broken frame. I started cooking in the kitchen and ignored Penelope as she watched television on the couch. When everything was ready, I put the food on two plates and poured two glasses of water, ready to bring them into Sean’s room. The sight of Penelope sitting on Sean’s couch made me so angry that I placed the plates on table and walked over to her.
“Why the fuck are you still here?”
The venom in my voice made her jump. “Sean said I could stay here.”
“Why?” I asked. “He doesn’t owe you anything. Get the hell out of his life, Penelope—for good.”
“I have nowhere else to go,” she whispered.
“So, you used Sean because you can’t take care of yourself?”
She looked away from me and didn’t say anything.
I was so livid that I started laughing, almost hysterically, and she moved away from me on the couch, frightened by my maniacal behavior. “You know what’s funny?” I asked. “If you had just told Sean the truth, he would have taken you in and supported you. Hell—he probably would have helped you raise the kid because he’s so in love with you. You are so stupid, Penelope. You have no idea what you threw away.” The sight of her saddened expression was enough for me to end the verbal attack. The gleam of a diamond on her ring caught my eye, and when I looked down at her hand, I saw the engagement ring that Sean got for her. He’d finally proposed to her. The pain and betrayal washed over me, but I pushed it back, knowing it was irrelevant at that point. I turned away and grabbed the plates then walked into Sean’s room. I returned for the water and slammed the door behind me.
I helped Sean sit up in bed then I placed the food on his lap. He looked at his plate and picked up his fork, barely able to hold it in his hand. The sight made me want to cry. I could kill Penelope. Sean ate very slowly, chewing his food longer than normal, and he took a long time just to bring the fork to his mouth. I sat across from him while I ate my dinner. We didn’t speak until Sean put aside his plate and drank the entire glass of water.
He looked at me. “Thank you,” he said. “I can’t remember the last time I ate real food.”
I nodded, too emotional to speak. I grabbed his plate and placed them in the kitchen sink, then returned with a new glass of water. Sean quickly emptied the glass.
“Would you like more?” I asked.
“No,” he whispered as he sat back against his pillows. “Thank you, Scarlet.”
I grabbed his hand and held it. “You don’t need to thank me. You would have done it for me.”
“But that’s different,” he whispered. “You actually deserve it.”
I didn’t know what to say. I looked away.
“How long are you staying?” he asked.
“As long as it takes for you to get better,” I said.
He nodded. “I don’t think I’ll ever be better, Scar.”
“You’ll get there.”
“Not without you,” he whispered.
I got up from the bed and searched in his drawer, looking for clean clothes to wear. I knew where this conversation was going and I wanted to avoid it. I grabbed some shorts and a shirt and walked into the bathroom to change. When I returned to the bedroom, I pulled back the blankets and crawled inside, lying next to him. Sean watched me for a moment then started to get up.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’ll sleep on the floor,” he said. “You don’t have to sleep with me.”
I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. “Please don’t do that,” I said. “Stay here with me.”
“I don’t deserve to sleep beside you.”
Since Sean was so weak, I was able to pull him back to bed and under the covers. “I want to sleep with you.”
Sean sighed. “Okay. I won’t do anything.”
“I know,” I said as I wrapped my arm around his waist. Sean turned on his side then pulled me to his chest, resting his face in the crook of my neck. He sighed deeply as he held me, and I could feel his heart thudding in his chest at a fast pace.
“Thank you for coming to me,” he whispered in my ear. “You have no idea how much it means to me. I thought you hated me.”
“I never could,” I said.
“You are amazing.” Sean didn’t move away as he held me tightly. I could tell he wasn’t going to let go.
“Why is Penelope still here?”
Sean didn’t answer for a moment. “She has no one else.”
“That isn’t your problem.”
“And I’m not your problem either.”
I sighed. In the end, it was love that controlled your decisions, not hate. If that weren’t the case, Ryan would have kicked me out when I arrived on his doorstep. I never would have given Sean another chance, and Penelope would be homeless.
“I love you,” I said.
Sean took a deep breath. “I love you, Scar.”
His breathing became deep and shallow, and I knew he was falling asleep. I ran my hands through his hair while he held me close to him. I could feel him relaxing the longer we stayed still. My phone rang from my nightstand, and I reached for it while Sean still held onto me.
“Hello?” I said when I answered it.
“It’s Ryan.”
“Hey,” I said quietly.
“How is everything? Is Sean okay?”
I was quiet for a moment. “No, he isn’t, but we’re working on it.”
“I think you did the right thing.”
“I do too.”
“My flight is leaving soon,” he said. “Janice is changing in her room. I was hoping you could talk to her before I left. I realize that you’re busy with Sean, but could you talk to her before I head out?”
“Of cours
e,” I said. “Put her on the phone.”
Sean still clutched me tightly, refusing to let me go. His face was still buried in my neck and his heart started to race again.
“Hello?” she said with a smile in her voice.
“Hey,” I said. “Can you move away from Ryan for a minute?”
“Sure,” she said. “Hold on.” I heard a door close. “I’m in my room.”
“How much do you like my brother?” I asked. “And be honest with me. If you tell me you aren’t that interested, that’s fine. It won’t change our friendship.”
“Of course, I like him,” she said. “I thought that was obvious.”
“If I could get you a job in Seattle working in publishing, making the salary you make now, would you move there for him?”
Janice was quiet for a moment. “We just met, Scarlet.”
“So, that’s a no.”
She sighed. “That’s just a huge lifestyle change for a guy I just met,” she said. “I like Ryan a lot. I hate to see him go, but I can’t sacrifice everything for him.”
“Okay,” I said. “That’s reasonable. So you are just going to breakup then?”
Janice was quiet for a moment. “I—I don’t know. I guess we could do long-distance.”
“But you don’t believe long-distance relationships work.”
“Then I don’t know what to do, Scar—I really like him.”
“If you can see yourself loving him, then I think you should do it. You’ve been single forever because every guy you date is a loser. Ryan is the first guy you’ve dated that you actually like. I know that Ryan is falling hard for you and he never feels this way.”
“Would he want me to move to Seattle? I mean, wouldn’t that scare him off?”
“He’s the reason we are having this conversation.” I laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already in love with you.”
Janice was quiet.
“So, if you had a job in Seattle, would you move for him?”
“You can’t guarantee that.”
“Hypothetically, would you do it? If you had a place to stay with Ryan and I, and you had job security, would you do it?”
