by Amy Cross
Kirsten bursts out laughing. "Nice?" she says. "Nice? Fuck it, you've got a lot to learn." She pauses. "So I heard you wigged out in Dr. Campbell's session today" she continues.
"It was emotional," I say.
"I heard you bit Eddie."
"Eddie?"
"The butt-headed guard who dragged you out."
"Oh, yeah," I say. "Yeah, I bit his arm. I guess I shouldn't have done that."
"Don't worry about it," she replies. "He deserves it, trust me on that. So..." She pauses again, as if there's something she wants to say but she's not sure how to phrase it. "I hear you're part of the God squad."
"I believe in God," I say.
"And he talks to you," she says. "That's what people are saying. Or rather, you think he talks to you."
"He used to," I tell her. "Not any more."
"What's his voice like?" she asks. "I imagine it's deep and authoritative. Does he sound like Orson Welles? Or the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X Files? Or -"
"He just sounds like a guy," I say.
"Cool," she replies. "And he told you to kill your little brother?"
I nod.
"Why?"
"It's complicated."
"What a fucker," she says. "I mean, sorry, but if I was God, I wouldn't just go around telling people to kill their brothers and then let then look like assholes in front of the rest of the world. I thought everything God did was supposed to have some kind of moral to it. Like a little lesson at the end, you know?"
"Maybe we're not at the end yet," I say.
"Good point," she replies. "I hadn't thought of that."
I sit up, still feeling a little groggy. I have no idea what day it is, with all the days kind of merging together and being punctuated by regular periods of drug-induced sleep. It's as if the whole world has started to get smudged.
"Have you seen the burned man?" I ask.
She pauses. "Burned man?" she says eventually, seeming a little uncomfortable. It's the first time since I met her that Kirsten has actually seemed bothered by something.
"There was a guy in my group session today who said he saw a burned man. And apparently that's what I saw the other night, on my third night here. Have you seen him?"
Kirsten stares at me, and I can immediately see that she knows something. "Nurse Winter doesn't like us talking about it," she says stiffly. "So let's not, okay?"
"Why not?" I ask. "Who is this Nurse Winter, anyway? Why's everyone so scared of her? This is a hospital. She's not allowed to actually do anything bad, is she?" I wait for her to answer. "Is she?"
"You're new here," she says, sounding a little unsure of herself. She looks over at the door, apparently to make sure that no-one's listening to our conversation.
"So tell me about this place," I say. "This burned man. What is he? A ghost? I don't believe in ghosts, but what do you think he is? Is he just, like, a group hallucination?"
"I have a session soon," Kirsten says, getting up from her bed. "I should go and get ready."
I stand up and grab her arm to stop her from going to the door. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"You don't need me," she replies, a hint of scorn in her voice. "You can just talk to God, can't you?"
"That's not fair," I reply.
"Isn't it?" She stares at me with an intense look in her eyes. "I'll tell you something, Annie. The world is shit. The world is full of crap and garbage, and that's how people like us end up in here. So when you talk about God, as if there's some big space fairy floating around making sure everything's alright, it really fucking offends me, okay? Because you're basically saying that there's some moral supervisor who looks after people who are good, except he's left people like us behind. And what does that make us? Sinners? I'm no sinner!"
"Then why are you here?" I ask.
She sighs.
"You know why I'm here," I say. "I shot my brother dead. Point blank, cold blood, in the head. I did it on purpose. But why are you here?"
She smiles. "Come to my group session some time and you might find out." She turns and opens the door, which seems to have been left unlocked. I sigh, feeling like I'm going round and round in circles in this place, when suddenly I hear a terrifying scream from somewhere nearby. It sounds like someone's dying.
Chapter Ten
Running out into the corridor, I hear another scream. It's the same person, louder and more pained. I run toward the door to the recreation room, where I find that Mark - the guy from the group session earlier - has been cornered by three guards. He's got a large steak knife in his hand, and he thrusts it towards the guards every time they try to get close to him.
"No!" he shouts.
"Give me the knife," one of the guards says, trying again to get close.
"No!" Mark screams, lashing out at the guard and catching his arm, slicing the skin.
"Fuck!" the guard says, stepping back. Blood drips onto the floor.
"Tell me you saw him!" Mark shouts at the guard. "Tell me you saw him or you're a dirty fucking liar!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," the guard says, holding his injured arm. The other two guards seem even more cautious now, keeping a good distance back.
"You saw the burned man!" Mark shouts. "He has to leave!"
"He doesn't exist!" one of the other guards says firmly.
Mark screams again. "How does he get you to say this?" he shouts, starting to sob.
"What's going on in here?" says Dr. Campbell, pushing me aside as he enters the room. I walk over to the other patients who have gathered to watch. Nurse Perry is also nearby, but she seems totally absorbed by Mark's actions.
"He's dangerous," says the injured guard, showing him the slice on his arm.
"That's nothing," says Dr. Campbell, stepping past the other guards. "Mark, listen to me. What do you think you're going to achieve if you carry on like this?"
"I want him to go away!" Mark snarls.
"Who?" Dr. Campbell demands.
"The burned man," Mark says. "You have to make him go away! I know you know who he is. Make him go away and I'll be fine. I'm not crazy, but he makes me lose my mind!"
"Listen to me," says Dr. Campbell, taking charge of the situation with a firm, authoritative tone of voice. "There's not a burned man. He doesn't exist."
"Why are you lying?" Mark shouts. "I've seen him in the mirror!"
Dr. Campbell says nothing for a moment, just staring at Mark. "We have to end this nonsense," he says finally, lowering his voice so that he sounds calm. "Come on, Mark. We've made so much progress since you got here. Why mess things up now? Give me the knife, and we'll go and have a private session. Just you and me."
Mark seems to be considering the offer for a moment. "Will Nurse Winter be there?" he asks.
"No," Dr. Campbell says. "I promise."
"I can't have special treatment again," he says.
"No-one's going to give you special treatment," Dr. Campbell reassures him.
"Will you tell her?"
"Not at all." Dr. Campbell takes a step toward Mark and reaches out for the knife. "I give you my word that Nurse Winter doesn't have to know about this, but the longer you continue to make a fuss, the more likely it is that she'll find out. Do you understand? And if she finds out, I'm not sure I can do anything to help you avoid special treatment." He turns to the guards. "Each of you must give me your word that you won't breathe a word of this to Nurse Winter, is that understood?"
The guards all nod in agreement.
"See?" says Dr. Campbell, turning back to Mark. "If we can get this whole scene over quickly, we can all keep it from Nurse Winter and I can be the one who helps you instead."
As I watch Mark, I feel someone tapping my shoulder. I turn to see that Kirsten has entered the room.
"What's going on?" she whispers.
"He keeps shouting about the burned man," I whisper back.
"What about him?" she asks.
"Just that he's seen him, and no-one believes hi
m."
Kirsten sighs. "He's crazy."
"I've seen him too," I say.
"Who?" she asks.
"The burned man. I saw him on my third night here."
Kirsten gives me a strange look, as if she's trying to understand what I mean. "Really?" she asks, seeming a little distracted.
Suddenly there's a scream from the other side of the room, and I look over just in time to see Dr. Campbell staggering away from Mark, with the knife embedded in his chest. The guards rush forward to help him, but he collapses and lands straight on the hilt of the knife, pushing it through and out the back of his torso. When one of the guards kneels down and rolls him over, blood pours from the wound.
"Everyone out!" one of the guards shouts at the rest of us, but no-one moves. He and his colleagues are trying to restrain Mark, who's lashing out wildly.
Nurse Perry rushes over, but I can see from the look on her face that there's no hope of saving Dr. Campbell. The knife must have gone straight through his heart, and Nurse Perry is just holding his hand as he gasps and tries to speak. Struggling to breathe, he turns and looks over at me for a moment, his eyes staring straight into mine, before a small amount of blood trickles from his mouth and he falls still and silent.
"He's gone," Nurse Perry says quietly, reaching out and carefully closing his eyes.
Mark rushes free from the guards and grabs the knife, pulling it from Dr. Campbell and taking a few steps towards the door before plunging the blade into his own chest. He turns and runs straight towards where Kirsten and I are standing, but he slips and falls, sliding across the floor and leaving a smeared trail of blood before he crashes into the wall. He rolls onto his back and stares up at me.
"You've seen him," he says. "You'll be next."
He continues to stare at me, and I stare back for a moment before I realize he's dead.
"What did he mean?" I ask, turning to Kirsten... but she's gone. I look across the room, but there's no sign of her. She's simply vanished.
"Everyone back to your rooms," Nurse Perry says, her voice wavering. She turns to one of the guards. "Get them back to their rooms now. They should never have seen this."
The guard starts roughly manhandling us all, pushing us out of the room. I struggle to stay behind, because I want to speak to Nurse Perry, but the guard slams me against the door and almost throws me into the corridor.
"Everyone to your rooms!" the guard shouts. "Now!"
We all hurry along the corridor. I know there's no point fighting back at the moment. I'll have to get to Nurse Perry later. I want to ask her about the burned man, and to find out what she knows about Mark's history. I can totally understand how someone like Mark could hallucinate some kind of dark figure, but there seems to be more to it than that. It's as if other people have seen the burned man too, but no-one's willing to acknowledge it. How can multiple people hallucinate the same thing?
When I get to my room, I rush in to speak to Kirsten, but she's not there. I sit on my bed, trying to stay calm, but I've just seen two people die from knife wounds and my hands are shaking. I knew Mark had problems - everyone here has problems - but it's still shocking that he'd actually kill Dr. Campbell and then stick the knife into his own chest. It's at times like this that I find myself wondering whether God really is watching over us, or if maybe the world is just chaos after all.
"Radford," says a voice at the door.
I look over and see Eddie, the biggest guard, standing watching me.
"Come with me," he says. "Nurse Winter wants to speak to you."
I get to my feet and follow him out into the corridor. I look back at the door to the recreation room, and I can see Nurse Perry laying a sheet over Dr. Campbell's body. Grabbing my arm, Eddie leads me along to a part of the ward I've never been to before. It's darker here, and the air feels undisturbed.
"Why does she want to see me?" I ask, starting to feel nervous. After all, I've heard nothing but bad things about Nurse Winter.
"Shut up," he says as we stop outside a door. Eddie knocks.
"Send her in," calls out a female voice from inside. The crazy thing is, it's a female voice I think I've heard before.
Eddie opens the door and literally pushes me inside, then he steps back out of the room and shuts the door behind him. I turn and see a woman standing over by the window, with her back to me. She's wearing a clean white nurse's uniform.
I wait.
There's nothing but silence.
"You... You wanted to see me?" I say eventually.
"Yes," she says, still looking out the window. "Do you know who I am?"
I pause. "Your name is Nurse Winter," I say.
"That's right," she says. "Do you know why I've asked to speak to you?"
"No," I say.
She turns and smiles at me.
It's weird, but at first I don't notice anything strange. She's a little younger than I was expecting, and she has a surprisingly kind face. After all the stories, I was expecting some kind of monstrous old ogre. But as she walks slowly towards me, her steel-capped shoes echoing against the hard floor, I start to realize that there's something horribly familiar about her. It takes me another moment to really understand what I'm seeing, as if my brain can't quite believe it.
"What's wrong?" she asks as she reaches me.
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Instead, I look down at her name tag and see that it's true: Nurse Kirsten Winter.
"I'm glad you're here," Kirsten says. "Nurse Winter really isn't very happy with you."
Chapter Eleven
"What's wrong?" Kirsten asks, still smiling. "You look like you've seen a ghost." She pauses. "Come on, Annie. I know you can talk. We've shared so much already. What's the problem here? Why so glum, chum?"
I know I should say something, but my throat is dry and there are no words that can express what I'm thinking. For one thing, I'm not certain whether I could just be imagining the whole thing. For another, I can feel my heart beating faster than usual, and I've got this strong urge to turn and run. But I know I wouldn't get very far. Running just isn't an option in this place. All I can do is stand and stare at her.
"I'm sorry," she says, "did I give you the impression that I was a patient?" She sighs. "Well, I certainly should have been more clear, shouldn't I? Bad, bad Nurse Winter. I'll have to punish myself later." She grins. "I just wanted to get to know you a little, Annie. After all, you're quite the most interesting new patient we've had here for a while. Come on, sit down and let's talk." She stares at me for a moment. "Please?"
She leads me over to her desk and points to a chair.
"Most of our patients are dull specimens," she says as I take a seat. She walks around to the other side of the desk. "People like Mark. Classical psychosis, nothing remarkable or interesting about him at all. To be honest, and I know this will sound heartless, but I'm not entirely sorry he's gone, although I certainly wish the circumstances were better. Poor Dr. Campbell, I did so enjoy butting heads with him."
I still don't know what to say. I thought Kirsten was my friend, someone I could talk to, but instead it turns out that she's actually been Nurse Winter all along.
"But you," she says, walking back over to the window and then turning to face me. "You're interesting. You hear the voice of God, beaming out at you, and he told you to do something really wicked, didn't he? What did he tell you to do again, Annie?" She waits for me to answer, but I don't say a word. "Oh yes, he told you to kill your little brother. I wonder why he did that? Did he tell give you any details, or were you just expected to do the whole thing based on blind trust?"
I turn and look over at the door.
"You want to leave?" she asks, sounding a little hurt.
I look back at her.
"I'm your friend," she says. "I'm still Kirsten. Does it really matter if I also happen to be on the payroll? I thought we got on quite well, Annie. I hope you're not going to disappoint me."
"Everyone's scared of
you," I say suddenly, kind of blurting it out.
She pauses. "Yes," she says finally. "They are. I suppose it's because I enforce the rules around here. After all, we can't have this place becoming a holiday camp, can we? Take Mark, for example. He kept spreading all those nasty stories about some kind of burned man. Rubbish, obviously, but people in here can be a rather open to suggestion." She fixes me with a firm stare. "A person in a vulnerable state might easily be persuaded to believe that they, too, saw something nasty. Something evil. Something completely impossible."
I take a deep breath. I know exactly what she's on about. She wants me to say that I didn't see the burned man back in that room. But I did. I know I did. I'm not crazy. Through all of this, I've always tried to remember that I'm not crazy.
"I'm not saying you can't believe these things in your own mind," she continues. "Feel free. We'll get around to fixing that eventually. But we should be careful what we say to others, shouldn't we? Otherwise we might end up with another situation where a patient loses control, and..." She pauses. "Poor Dr. Campbell. His first name was Arthur, did you know that? A valued colleague. I'm a professional, Annie, but at some point I shall have to take a moment to mourn him."
"I want to transfer," I say.
She raises an eyebrow.
"I want to go to a different hospital," I continue. "I don't want to be here."
"Nobody wants to be here," she says. "Well, except maybe me."
"I want to go to a different hospital," I say again.
"Well, it simply can't be done," she replies, smiling. "No, Annie, the fact that you want to leave is precisely the reason why you have to stay, and I have a court order that backs me up. You don't like it here, and the reason is simple. It's because you're being challenged. And that's very necessary. We're going to continue to challenge you, until you change the way you see the world. God -"
"I want to go to a different hospital," I repeat.
"God did not tell you to kill your little brother," she says coldly.
I stare at her, fighting back the tears. "I want to -"
"Shut up," she says. "Don't make me order some special treatment for you, Annie. Think about this from my point of view. You killed your little brother. You shot him in the head, and you insist it was all because God told you to do it? You're dangerous, and you're cruel. I'm trying very hard to like you, but you're making it difficult. Most people in my position would have already given you special treatment, but I'm holding back as much as I can. If you -"
