by Jessa Russo
He leaned over and lightly brushed his thumb against my lips, sending tingles through my entire face. His other hand still held my hand between us, and I hoped it wasn’t sweating profusely.
My mouth was open—both from the shock of his touch and the fact that I had been talking just seconds ago—and I quickly shut it, swallowing loudly, and hoping that he couldn’t tell how nervous I was. Or how incredibly excited I was by the prospect of my very first kiss.
Oh god. What if I’m bad?
My heart raced in anticipation and fear, and the butterflies in my stomach moved from light fluttering to somersaults and back flips. My entire body seemed filled with sensations totally foreign to me. Feelings and worries I’d never experienced.
He licked his lips, leaned in further, and kissed me. He was a bit hesitant at first, kissing me slowly and gently, making sure he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries.
I closed my eyes and leaned in to him, my lips parting just a bit, mimicking his, and following his lead. It felt both strange and exciting to kiss him, our tongues slightly touching, and his lips moving around mine. He kissed me delicately and each change in the movement of his lips sent intense shivers down my spine. Warmth built deep in my belly, and I feared I might laugh from the nervous excitement of it all.
After a moment that was far too short, the Ferris wheel began its descent, and Toby pulled away to look at me with those velvety blue-black eyes. I couldn’t help the smile that pulled fiercely at my lips.
He smiled, and this time I was sure he could hear my heart beating. How could he not? I sure could. It thumped away rapidly in my ears, deafening in its excitement. It was a feeling I hoped would never go away.
Frankie’s face popped into my mind again, and the moment was ruined. He’d never be my first kiss. I shook my head, trying to push my thoughts of Frankie far, far away. Toby, catching the slight movement and seemingly feeling uncertain, looked at me with a question in his eyes. His smile faltered ever so slightly, and I silently cursed Frankie for making me feel that way and for his terrible timing, popping into my head so unwarranted.
”Was that okay?”
“Oh, yes, definitely okay! More than okay!” Whoa. Slow down, girl. I was rambling again, my awkwardness back with a vengeance. I reached up and smoothed my hair, trying to gain some composure as I felt my trademark red cheeks make their unwanted entrance.
He smiled mischievously at me, then pressed one last, long kiss to my lips. Squeezing my hand, he leaned back in the seat as the Ferris wheel shook its way around and around. We sat in silence for the rest of the ride, and I couldn’t even look over at him without blushing. I knew I must have had the most ridiculous grin on my face, probably bordering on maniacal, but I was well past the point of hiding it, and well past the point of caring.
I’d been waiting around for Frankie my entire life. I’d never dated anyone before his death, and I hadn’t dated anyone since. Loving Frankie had been the only thing that mattered for as long as I could remember. Safe, comfortable, and almost normal for me. I couldn’t see past it, and I didn’t want to.
But now.
This moment. This kiss.
Perfection.
My first kiss was something I knew I’d never forget—that’s a given. But somehow I couldn’t imagine anyone’s first kiss being like what I’d just shared with Toby. A kiss a girl waited for her whole life. I just knew it. I was determined to bask in it, and I was determined to get over whatever impossible feelings I’d been holding onto for Frankie. Loving Frankie was holding me back. I’d just never really known it.
As the Ferris wheel reached the top again, Toby kissed me once more. This time, his hands held my face and all feeling in my body seemed to rush up to meet his fingertips, to focus in on the places where his skin connected with mine.
As I relaxed into the kiss, I realized something bittersweet. No matter what, Frankie would never be able to kiss me like that.
He will never be able to make me feel like this.
When we pulled up and parked in front of our houses, my mom and dad were standing outside with their arms crossed. Waiting. Seething. Shit. Well, truthfully, looking at them a bit longer I could see that my mom was seething, but my poor dad just looked uncomfortable, like he was only standing there because she’d made him wait with her. He transferred his weight from foot to foot as if he was as nervous as I suddenly was.
”Shoot. What time is it?”
We looked at the clock on the dashboard in unison. It was only just after nine. I couldn’t figure out why they were so angry. My curfew was ten on weeknights, and we’d really never set a curfew for weekends or Holidays since I never stayed out too late anyway, when I even bothered leaving the house. Either way, coming home after nine shouldn’t have been a problem.
Toby got out of the car first and walked over to open my door. Even under the scrutiny of my parents’ seemingly disapproving eyes, he remembered his manners.
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Van Ruysdael. Is everything all—?”
“Eleanor Victoria. Please, come inside. Good Night, Toby.”
Oh no. That just happened. The first name I’d hated as long as I’d been able to pronounce it. Thanks to my mother, I would no longer be keeping that part of my life a secret from Toby. Eleanor. I looked at Toby with my eyes wide, mortified that he now knew the truth, but he wasn’t focusing on that part. I could tell he was just as confused as I was about my parents’ anger.
He mouthed “I’m sorry” as he watched me turn and walk up the driveway to my awaiting parents.
Once inside the house, I heard a car door shut, and the engine start up as Toby drove away. I was only able to briefly ponder why he wasn’t just going inside his own house next door before my mom started in on me.
“Do you know how old he is, Ever?”
Oh. Well that hadn’t taken long.
“Mom, wait … .”
“That boy is twenty-two years old! Twenty-two, Ever! You are seventeen! Seventeen!” Her voice was going up in pitch with each word flying out of her mouth. My dad slightly cringed each time.
“Mom, seriously, wait. I know I’m seventeen, but I’m also a senior in high school, and I’m leaving for college soon! How old do you think the boys will be in the fall, Mom? When I’m away … at college?”
“But … .”
My mom’s open mouth slammed shut as the truth of my words sank in. I had a point, and she knew it. Seventeen or not, we had been discussing college for a while, and my parents were supposed to be prepared. I’d be leaving in the fall, and Jessie and I were going to be roommates. My parents had been okay with that idea. Or at least I’d thought they were. Somehow, they must have never even considered I’d be dating college-aged boys sometime in the near future.
Judging by the widening of my mom’s eyes as she pondered this concept, I knew I was right—it had never even occurred to her. She looked up helplessly at my dad, who in turn looked to me for help.
Good grief.
“Mom. Dad. Seriously. He’s twenty-two, not forty-two. I’m not a baby, and you have raised me well. I’m smart, okay? I’m not going to run off and have sex with the first guy who picks me up in a fast car, so relax!”
My mom’s face paled just a tad at the mention of sex, but Dad seemed to see that I was right. He put his arm around Mom and looked at me with pride.
“Honey, you’re right. You are a smart girl, and we have raised you well. There’s absolutely no reason we shouldn’t trust you.” He gave my mom a squeeze, eliciting a little squeak from her. “You are mature beyond your years, Ev, and we know you will make the right choices for your life … don’t we, Annabelle?”
My mom kind of nodded her head and smiled a confused grin. Another uncomfortable squeak escaped her lips, which I took as her way of conceding.
“Great. So that’s settled. I’m going to go to my room now, okay?” I kissed them both on the cheek, told them I loved them, then wished them a good night. I grabbed a cold Cactus Cooler fr
om the kitchen on the way to my room.
As I replayed the conversation in my head, I realized something that hadn’t occurred to me before. To my parents, who had never tried to talk me out of it, my love for Frankie was safe. They’d never had to worry about me kissing boys or experimenting with sex. I’d never had my heart broken or come home crying after a particularly bad break up. I could see how they would find comfort in my loving a boy I couldn’t possibly ever have. They were okay with my futureless feelings for Frankie because those feelings protected me.
I think it’s why I was okay with those feelings as well. Loving Frankie was safe.
Huh.
I sat down, logged into Gmail, and found an excited email from Jessie. The subject line read “OMG EVER!” and I could almost hear the exclamation in Jessie’s voice as I read it. She started off by chastising me for not calling her after my date yesterday or even today.
Shoot. I hadn’t meant to forget, I’d just … not remembered. It was kind of like my issues with time. I wasn’t really great with time or remembering things. Jessie knew me well, so after the quick reprimand, she began the interrogation about last night’s date with Toby. I could just picture her face all lit up with curiosity as she wrote the email, the image made me smile. I was super excited to tell her about Toby. I began typing a response and then changed my mind. This kind of girl talk deserved a phone call. I took a sip of my soda and reached for the phone.
“That stuff will rot your teeth, Doll.”
I just about flew out of my chair.
“Shit! Frankie! What are you doing in here?”
Frankie raised his eyebrows and put a finger to his lips in an effort to quiet me. He was right of course; this would be a bad scene if my parents caught wind of it.
Geez, luckily I hadn’t been changing or something! I was somewhat irritated that he thought he could just waltz on into my room whenever he felt like it now, but I hadn’t closed the door, so I guessed it was my own fault.
I remembered what was on my computer screen and suddenly felt insanely guilty about my two dates with Toby. The last thing I wanted Frankie to see was what I’d started to write in response to Jessie before I’d thought better of it and reached for the phone. I quickly sat back down and tried to square my shoulders so they would block my computer screen.
“What are you doing in here, Frankie? Mom will have a cow!”
He just smiled at me conspiratorially, and I rolled my eyes at him, turning back around to click out of my Gmail account.
Unsure of what to say to him, I asked the first question that came to mind. “Where have you been, anyway?”
“Well whaddya know, Dollface … I was about to ask you the same question.”
I felt my face flush as I was flooded with guilt over being out with Toby. Then I remembered the kiss we’d shared, and my cheeks flamed up even more. I bet they were about as crimson as humanly possible, and I was glad to be facing the computer screen and not Frankie.
“I was out with Jessie.”
Oh boy. I never lied to Frankie. Who am I? One minute I was allowing Frankie to join me in my bed, all the while practically naked in front of him, and the next minute I was lying to his face. What a mess.
“Out with Jessie, huh?”
In the reflection of my computer screen, I saw him tilt his head and look at me, twirling an unlit cigarette in his fingers. I felt as if he could see right through me, right into my soul. I felt like he somehow knew I was lying. I was sure my guilty conscience was to blame, but I felt it nonetheless. I may as well have branded a scarlet letter across my forehead for all the shame I’d been feeling lately. Like no matter what I tried to convince myself, or how innocent I knew I was, my heart still swore I was betraying Frankie. Stupid heart.
When he finished analyzing the back of my head, I watched his reflection in my dark computer monitor as he took a seat on the edge of the bed.
“Okay.”
Phew. I’d freaked out for nothing. I mentally breathed a sigh of relief.
“Oh, by the way, I heard your mom and dad arguing about that new kid next door. It sounded pretty heated. Do you know what that was all abou—?”
“Fine!”
I threw up my hands and spun around in my chair to face him.
“Yes, Frankie, I was out with Toby, okay? Are you happy now? Ugh! Just … just go, Frankie. I want to go to bed.”
His eyes practically bulged out of his head as I yelled at him, and he was clearly confused by my outburst. Well, that made two of us. I couldn’t believe I’d just shouted at him like that, totally unprovoked.
“Wait, what? You were out with … but … I thought you said … ?”
The wounded expression on his face made me feel even guiltier, which in turn made me feel even angrier. It didn’t make sense, but sometimes feelings just don’t. His confusion should have softened me, caused me to rein myself back in. It didn’t. Instead, it irritated me, confusing me further, if that’s even possible.
“Yes, Frankie. I was out. On a date. With Toby. That hot new guy from next door. Okay? We had a blast. We kissed too, Frankie. Now run along and tell everyone about it. Good night!”
I emphasized each part of my story, unable to stop the words from flying out of my mouth. I’d gone too far. Like I was deliberately trying to hurt him.
He was gone instantly.
No comments. No theatrics. No puff of smoke. Nothing.
He was just gone.
I felt like someone punched me in the gut. Why did I do that? I was so beyond ashamed of myself—even more so than I had been about the date with Toby. I had never lied to Frankie, and I had never attacked him the way I just did. I would never forget the stricken look on his face.
I crawled into bed and fell asleep crying, though my sleep was again troubled. My subconscious continued to dissect my relationship with Frankie and my feelings for Toby, leaving me restless.
When I awoke in the night, I was again terrified and sprawled out on the floor. Like before, I was unable to remember a single thing about my nightmare, except my fear for Frankie’s safety and my desperate need to find him. Frankie was back in my room, obviously responding to my calling out for him from the terrifying world inside my dreams.
He was squatting just a few inches away, leaning down over me, his weight resting on his fingers like he was about to play a childhood game of leapfrog. He was watching me intensely, his face twisted with distress. He looked frozen in place—like half of his mind was telling him to reach for me and the other half was dutifully reminding him he could do no such thing.
“Frankie.”
“I’m here, Doll.”
We stood at the same time and ended up almost nose-to-nose. My breathing began to slow as we stared at each other, and my fear eased slightly with every second. He licked his lips, and out of the corners of my eyes, I saw him begin to reach for me, only to see his fists clench in mid-air and land back at his sides.
I climbed back into bed, my eyes never leaving Frankie’s, trying to grasp for something—anything—that I could remember about my dream. I couldn’t come up with a single image or scene, aside from Frankie’s face, and Frankie’s name on my lips.
He walked over to the bed and looked down at me, his expression pained.
“Was I loud? My parents will come in … .”
“No, Doll, you weren’t loud. I was pacing outside your door. I doubt they heard you all the way down the hall.”
I don’t know if it was the shame I’d felt earlier, the confusion of all the strange feelings I was having, or the leftover terror seeping out from my dream world, but hearing that Frankie was pacing outside my door brought tears flooding down my cheeks. I’d obviously really hurt him earlier if he found himself pacing outside my room.
“Shh, Doll, please don’t cry.” Frankie paced restlessly back and forth over the floor in front of my bed, his eyes remaining on me the entire time.
“I’m so sorry, Frankie. I didn’t mean to be so rude e
arlier. I just … .”
“No, Ever. Please, don’t cry. You don’t have to apologize. You don’t have to tell me what you do every single time you leave this house, and I shouldn’t have asked you. It’s not my business.”
“But it is, Frankie. It is your business. You’re—”
He looked at me expectantly when I paused, eyes intense, as he waited for the next words. As if he wanted me to say how I felt about him, who he was to me. Did he already know my feelings for him were so much more than they should be? Could I say them out loud?
You’re my entire world.
”—you’re my best friend, Frankie … and I … I just … .”
He flinched slightly when I said best friend, but I couldn’t take it back, couldn’t change the words without letting out the truth. The truth that he was so much more than my best friend remained unspoken. Where would that leave us anyway? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
I had to move forward and see where this new thing with Toby would lead. I couldn’t tell Frankie that I loved him any more than I could continue to love him.
“No. Shh. Really, it’s okay. Go back to sleep, Doll. I’m not mad at you.”
After I crawled back under the covers, chilled from the night sweats and exhausted from crying, he sat down on the edge of my bed with his back to me. He fit almost perfectly in the crook between my knees and my stomach, as though I was curled up around him. The pained look was still on his face, though he tried to mask it.
Before I drifted off, I saw that his hand was resting on top of mine.
But I couldn’t feel it.
Days later, almost the entire week of Spring Break had passed since I’d seen or heard from Toby. It hurt. We’d been on two dates back-to-back, and I had really thought we’d hit it off. Maybe my lack of experience with boys was rearing its ugly head, because clearly, he’d been uninterested.
Mom and Dad had relaxed about Toby’s age, which was perfectly ironic considering he’d burned me. I didn’t tell them that though.
Frankie and I were pretty much back to normal, my unspoken secrets still tucked down deep, safely hidden away from exposure. It seemed my moment of insanity when I’d yelled at him was a distant memory.
