I aimed my rifle right between his or her eyes. "I said keep your lip out of my face." I lowered my rifle, glanced at Stays, and looked back at the Ratt. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why does such a serene well-adjusted youngster such as yourself want to be an RC?"
It took a long time for the Ratt to get through that armor plating, but at last the kid pulled out a copy of the law and said, "I thought this's just words like a lot of other words that don't mean a thing. But I been watching you and the others. I saw you grease Tani Aduelo. I watched when you and the RCs souped that jury. You believe in the law. Because of that maybe it means something. Maybe it's a piece of clean in the middle of all this shit. So because of you and the others, I believe in the law, too. I trust it. I want to keep trusting it. That's why I want to be an RC."
I nodded. The little bastard hated my guts. Ratt was just what I was looking for. "Okay, kid, you've got it. Turn your critter around and get back to the column. Tell Fodder I signed you up and have him show you the ropes."
"I want to go and help do Kegel."
"What you want, kid, don't have squat to do with being an RC."
"I can do the job, if that's what you're worried about." Ratt held up his rifle. "I been in plenty of fights riding with Bloody Sarah. You don't need to protect me."
"I'm not protecting you. Some RCs are going, most aren't. That's because most of the work we do is back with the column. If you want the job, report to Fodder. He'll break you in. That's if you want the job. If you don't want it, get lost."
Ratt looked at me with narrowed blue eyes. "Okay. I'll go back. You better not be jerking me off, greaseball. I'll thin your spic ass." Ratt pulled its critter around and trolloped north on the trail. I looked at Stays and his expression said worlds about what he thought of my decision.
I rode on ahead, my overpowering guilt at murdering Prophet eased just a bit, now that I had someone I was certain could pull the trigger on me when I needed to have a trigger pulled on me. Ratt Katz was my insurance policy. He was the one who would clean up the RCs. Now we had a shoe fly. Every internal affairs organization needs a good fanatic.
That was all tomorrow's problem. We had other things in the micro right then. I put my ghosts to rest and dug my heels into my critter's sides. For taking our people hostage, there would be hell to pay, and we were the collection agency.
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On Blood and Worth
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I was back at the birthplace of Prophet's ghost. It was late afternoon, the sky dark with clouds, and we had reached the switchbacks on the Split Plain Trail overlooking Kegel's camp. Jak Edge, Ondo Suth, and the point riders had taken the road guards without a shot. Jak had simply shown himself, explained the facts of life, and the guards had surrendered. In the back of my head there was a voice that said there might be a way to end this war with a minimum of bloodshed. But right then I was not interested in a minimum of bloodshed. I was not looking to keep the blush off the grass. I wanted bodies—I needed to see bodies—piled to the clouds and lined up from one horizon to the other.
At the edge of the bluff I looked down at the camp and was not very surprised to see that nothing had changed. Maybe there were a few more perimeter guards, and they looked more alert. They seemed to spend more time looking over their shoulders than they did watching the grass, though. That made a whole lot of sense if you had those two gut stringin' whacks creeping around behind you.
There were still only a couple thousand men in camp. Maybe less. Our scouts hadn't found anything out in the grass but more grass. Maybe Anna Tane was convinced that, as long as she held Nance and Mercy Jane, she had the Razai by the short and curly. In minutes we had the camp surrounded and the alarm still hadn't gone up.
I stared at the tripods next to Kegel's tent. Alna was still hanging there. My head grew light and for a moment I felt her lips brush my ear and heard her whisper my name. I closed my eyes and squeezed away the memories. Right then they were just too expensive. I sat on the edge of a rock spur and watched.
My gaze moved to the tent where Anna Tane and Kegel had raped me in front of Alna. In front of Nance and Mercy Jane. Turning myself in for Prophet's murder wouldn't be any big sacrifice. The mind monsters had me and I was gut stringing Alna and raping myself over and over again in my mind. My memory, my head, had become my own worst enemy. Ratt Katz and an RC bullet would put that bloody sponge to rest. The dark and chilly walk down that obsidian tunnel would be such a gift. I closed my eyes and weaved where I sat as my headache and heartache raged.
Black Max had said that life was such a gift. That was why he chose the Crotch over Heaven when his god offered him a deal. The memory was hazy, but I thought I had been offered a deal, too. I had chosen life, the Forever Sand, and the law. Right then I couldn't quite remember why. After souping Prophet's head I wondered if I would still be offered that river of love after Ratt drilled me. A lot of people believe there's more to Hell than just being alive.
"Bando?"
I got to my feet, turned to my left, and looked. It was Cap. Turning further I saw Jak Edge, Ondo, and Stays standing next to him. I turned back and pointed down at the camp. "We have 'em outgunned and outnumbered better than two to one," I said. "They're surrounded, we have hours of daylight left, and we still have surprise working for us. I say it's time to go in there and make burger."
Cap pursed his lips and placed his hand on my shoulder. "First there's something I want to try, Bando."
"Try?" I pushed his hand away. "What's to try? It's payback time! I want to see them dead!"
"He understands, Bando," said Stays. "But—"
"What's the matter with you people?" I grabbed Cap's collar with one hand and Stays's collar with the other. I shook them as I growled, "I want them dead! Dead! I want them all dead!"
Stays ripped my hand from his collar and held my wrist. "What the hell's wrong with you?"
"Nothing! It's payback time!"
"What happened down there, Chief?" Ondo demanded. "There's more'n what you told us. What'd they do?"
I looked away from Ondo and spat on the ground. "Wasn't hanging Alna by her guts and raping her, Nance, and Mercy Jane enough?" I took a deep breath and released it slowly as I let go of Cap and pulled my arm free from Stays's grasp. I looked at them both as I forced myself to sound calm, as I strained every pin and pulley to sound reasonable.
"It's not complicated. They killed; they raped; they took hostages. Those who didn't kill, rape, and take hostages stood by and did nothing while it happened. Right now they're holding hostages. According to the law they deserve to be dead. They all deserve to be dead. I want them all dead."
Cap studied me for a long time. It seemed like his eyes were picking and scratching at all my secrets. He turned to the others. "Leave us alone for a stretch."
Stays frowned for a bit, then took Jak by the arm, motioned to Ondo, and led them away. As they walked off, Cap Brady stuck his blue-eyed gaze right in my face and said, "Okay, let's have it, Bando. Don't bullshit me. I'm a rage addict, the same as you. If you bullshit me, I'll know."
"Know what?"
His eyebrows went up as he put his hands on his hips and gave me another look. I clenched my fists as the tears blurred my eyes. I half remembered my promise to myself to hit a CSA meeting once I reached camp. But there'd been too many things to do, strike forces to organize, jurors to execute, a thousand excuses. "Don't do this, Cap. Not now. Don't pick at it. Let's just go and make burger." He stood there, looking at me, his jaw set, his eyes caring.
"What'd they do, Bando?"
I was caught in the currents of a black flood of feelings. There were the words, but I couldn't give them voice. My lips only formed the words.
"They raped me, Cap," came the whisper. "Anna Tane and Kegel. They raped me. She watched as they held me down and Kegel raped me."
Cap glanced down, sniffed, and lo
oked back at me. There was just a glisten in his eyes. He placed both of his hands on my shoulders. "Bando, I want you to sit this one out."
"Are you crazy? Have you slipped out of your cocoon? I'm not going to sit out nothing, and you can quote me on that, flash. My hands—"
"Listen to me." As my mouth fought for the proper words, Cap lifted his right hand from my shoulder and held out his palm toward me. "I know how you feel—"
"Nobody knows how I feel."
He grabbed my shoulder again and shook me like I was a little kid. "Shut up! Shut up and listen! I know how you feel. Maybe half the men on this planet know how you feel. Rape in the crowbars is a fact of life. I know how you feel."
"You can't know."
"Bando, my first day in the crowbars I was gang raped."
It was crazy that something like that could happen to Cap. Not to Cap. I wanted to know who. I wanted to get them and kill them. Rule 11, making whatever happened before the landing done past, was a joke. Death was the only law. Revenge the only justice. Cap was shaking me again.
"It happens, Bando. It happens a lot. You just don't hear men talk about it much because there seems to be something extra wrong about being a raped man." He bit at the insides of his lips. "A raped woman is a victim, but she's still a woman. But it's like a man can't be raped and still be a man."
I knew what he was saying. I'd said the same thing to myself. Cap was talking, but I was hearing Alna's voice. It was the last thing she ever said to me while I was beating my head into unconsciousness. "You're still a man, Bando. He can't take anything away from you unless you let him."
Cap was saying it, too. But I didn't know how to stop letting Kegel and his monster take things from me. "How, Cap? What do I do?"
"The first thing you do is stop letting them turn you into some kind of psychotic killer. Here is a piece of truth for you. Stick it in your face and smell it every chance you get. You could kill all of the people in the universe, it won't turn back time and make up for what happened. What happened happened, and we have the law to take care of the payback."
"What do I do now?"
"You aren't a damned convict any more, Bando. You're a law officer. Be what you are. We have soldiers to go down there and fight. That's their job. Your job is the law."
"But I've got to—"
He shook me again. "What you've got to do is shut up and listen. You are not in the revenge and retribution business. Your business is the law and you have CSA to get your head straight. I don't want to have to watch some RC put a slug through your head because you'd rather rage around than accept what happened to you."
I pulled away from his grasp. "Dammit, Cap! The hostage rules say that if Kegel's goons don't do anything about the hostages, they're burger!"
"That's right," he answered quietly. "And one of the things I want to try is to give them a chance to do something about the hostages."
I felt like I had been running at top speed off the edge of a cliff and my feet were still pumping at the empty air. To my head what Cap wanted to do made sense. My gut, though, didn't want to hear about it. My gut just wanted to see the Big Grass painted red with the blood of Kegel, Anna Tane, the Hellborn, Kegel's gang, and everyone who had ever hurt me during my entire life. I cursed the asshole who had shot me for being such a crappy marksman. One lousy centimeter over and it would have been warm and fuzzy forever. Behind it all sat Prophet's ghost, waiting for that justice thing to come and take a visit in his neighborhood.
There was that Higher Power thing they talked about at the CSA meetings. There was something I could do to make the pain bearable, and maybe I'd try that real soon. "Okay." I nodded at Cap. "Okay. You're in charge."
He waved and Jak Edge, Ondo Suth, and Stays came back. Cap said to Jak, "I want you to go down there. Meet with the men that you know, tell them about the hostage rules, about the law, and the Razai. Tell them what happened to your family. Tell them what's happening to them and their families. They've got a better deal in the Razai, if they want it. But to get that deal, they can't just sit by. They have to try and get those hostages and nail the ones who took them."
He pointed at Stays. "I'm sending him along to explain things. Right now we have a few murders and other things that need to be paid back, but most of Kegel's soldiers down there have nothing to do with them. The hostages are another matter. If his soldiers don't do anything about the hostages, we'll have to kill them all."
Jak nodded. "I understand." He looked at me. "Is it all right if I go?"
There was a charge pending against him, but I had absolutely no doubt that Jak Edge would return to stand trial, if he was able. Anyway, the Razai can't hold prisoners.
"Yeah." I held out my hand to him. He grasped it and I said, "Good luck." I shook hands with Ondo and neither of us said anything. He was scared, I knew he was scared, he didn't want to die, I didn't want him to die. There wasn't anything left to talk about.
When I shook hands with Stays I said, "Be careful, Watson." He looked at me like it might be the last time we ever clapped eyes on each other.
"Stay alive, Chief."
"When you call me Chief instead of Sherlock I could almost mistake it for some kind of respect."
Martin Stays looked me in the eyes and answered, "Bando Nicos, right now you are probably the most important person on this planet." He thought for a moment, his eyes going out of focus. Wherever it was that he went, when he returned he had the damnedest words in his mouth. "You might even be the most important person in the universe. If you can't stay alive for yourself, stay alive for us. Think about that."
Jak, Stays, Ondo, and two of the road guards Jak had talked into surrendering mounted their critters and headed down the switchbacks. I watched their backs until they disappeared below the crest of the slope below wondering just what Stays was gibbering about.
Bando Nicos might just be the most important person in the universe.
I took off the little metal star that Stays had made for me with "Chief—Razai Police" scratched on it. As I studied the star-shaped piece of metal in my hand, I thought about the look on Stays's face. He had been dead serious when he said I might be the most important person on Tartaros—in the universe.
It was a strange thing to say to someone who not only didn't feel worthy to wear a star in the RCs, but didn't feel worthy to remain alive. I tucked my star in my rolled up parka and shook Stay's words out of my head. Hell, anarchists are blown out romantics who were nursed a little too close to the microwave. You never knew what they're going to say next. Stogie Gomez used to say, political filberts specialize in not letting the left hand know what the left hand is doing.
I thought to myself that if Bando Nicos was the most important person in the world, then the world was in big trouble. That made me snort out a laugh. Tartaros was in big trouble. It had been in big trouble since the first load of sharks had been dumped. How much more trouble could Tartaros be in?
I sat on the edge of the bluff and found my gaze resting on the tripods by Kegel's tent. There was a shadow at the base of the third tripod, and it was Alna. I became lost in the sight of it and I don't know how long I sat there staring through my tears.
At one point Head Start came up and sat next to me. After he had been there for a few minutes, he said, "I went to a CSA meeting last night."
I turned my head and looked at him. "Yeah?"
He nodded. "Chief, for a long time I was insane, doing crazy things, killing men and women by setting them on fire. It did something for me. The crazier and more terrible the things I did were, the less I could bear to think about them. So I didn't think, didn't feel. I just raged around making myself do more to feel less. But it made me a slave, Chief." He shook his head very slowly as he looked down upon Kegel's camp. "There's nothing worse than being a slave."
I looked back at the camp. "What about the hurts? The guilt, shame, loss, the pain of it? What'd you do about the pain of what you did?"
"It's okay to hurt. It's not t
oo much to pay for being free. That's what they told me at the meeting, anyways."
"Think it'll help?"
"It already has. There were a lot of people just like me at the meeting. I'm not alone anymore."
"Why're you telling me all this?"
"You aren't alone either, Chief." He got to his feet and went back with the RCs.
I got to my feet and looked back at the bunch of riders who were standing at the edge of the grass looking at me. I waved them away and said, "How about you assholes go and mind your own business? How about that?"
I turned around, climbed down below the edge of the cut, found a smooth rock on the edge of a steep cliff, and put my ass on it. I put my rifle across my lap. Only one rifle. Limited to forty rounds per clip. I felt like I was in a pie eating contest with my jaws wired shut.
But then killing wasn't the point, was it? Cap's message to me was that my business was the law. Justice; that loaded collection of letters and sounds that meant that everyone gets just what they deserve as quickly as possible. Then maybe killing was the point. Justice was only my job. To do the second, I had to do a lot of the first.
Justice.
A gut piece of the universe said that what had happened to Alna shouldn't have happened. I should've been able to save her. That same piece said that what happened to me shouldn't have happened. I should've been able to save me. And I knew that my gut piece of the universe had absolutely nothing to do with reality. I'd heard it at the CSA meetings. Don't "should" on yourself. The great wheel turns and every now and then it rolls through shit. It's not the end of the universe. It happens. "Why?" is a meaningless question. It happens. Feel the feelings, claim them, then dump them. Easier said than done.
I suspected I needed that power of the universe to come in and relieve me of my pain, my rage, my confusion. I closed my eyes against the light and searched the insides of my eyelids for peace. I couldn't do the prayer thing. To believe in prayer I needed to be able to con myself into thinking that the god or the gods up there gave a flying crap what happened to Bando Nicos.
INFINITY HOLD3 Page 59
