by JM Stewart
She hadn’t said a word to him since she’d arrived four hours ago. She wouldn’t even look at him. Every once in a while she’d glance in his direction, but longing and hurt would fleet through her gaze…right before it skirted off in another direction.
And it was eating a hole in his chest. It was ironic, really. The whole damn idea of his stupid rules and the one-month time limit had been to keep it casual, to keep her from getting hurt, so that in the end he wouldn’t lose her. Yet here he was. He’d lost her anyway.
What a fool he’d been.
Will turned his head, his gaze landing on Trent for a moment. Then he turned to Skylar and leaned in to her ear. Skylar nodded, and Will stepped away from the crowd.
Trent’s gut tightened as he watched Will move in his direction. So much for being inconspicuous.
After climbing the steps, Will dropped neat and easy beside him. “Only you could look miserable at a party.”
“Sorry. I figured you and Sky would be wrapped up in each other by now and nobody would miss me.” Trent shot his brother an apologetic frown, then turned his gaze back to the yard.
“We’ll always miss you.” Will bumped his shoulder. “I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve been watching Lauren all night. How come you’re up here looking miserable instead of down there with her? You haven’t said two words to each other all night. What happened?”
He eyed Lauren, who now sat at a table between Mandy and some big buff dude. As he watched, the dude leaned toward her, apparently saying something funny, because Lauren turned her head and laughed, her whole face lighting up.
Irritation slid along his nerve endings, and Trent’s jaw tightened. Along with his stomach. Only sheer force of will kept him in his seat. What he wanted to do was march the hell down there.
Will nudged him with an elbow. “Relax. That’s Chris, Sky’s brother-in-law. He’s happily married.”
Trent blew out a breath, releasing his irritation along with it. Christ. He was acting like a jealous ex. From now on it would be this way. Chances were he wouldn’t see much of her, save for holidays or the summer barbeques his parents like to throw, but he’d have to prepare himself for the eventuality of it. Along with the eventuality of her dating again. He’d have to watch her be with someone else and pretend it didn’t make him see red.
This whole fiasco had been his brilliant fucking idea.
He dropped his head into his hands, dejection weighing on him. “It was a fling and it’s over. We agreed on short-lived, that we’d go back to being friends when it ended. Problem is, she hasn’t said two words to me in more than a week. She won’t even look at me.”
“Ah.” Will nodded as if he’d suddenly figured it all out and turned to stare at the yard for a moment. “You want my advice?”
Trent let out a sardonic laugh. “Do I have a choice?”
“No.” Will shot him a cockeyed grin and pushed to his feet. “Forgive me for being blunt, bro, but stop being a stubborn ass and just admit you’re in love with her. Then for crying out loud, go down there and tell her. I know you’re afraid of losing of her, but if you ask me, it would seem you already have. So what the hell have you got to lose?” Will nudged him with his knee. “Time to pick up and move on, T. I can’t think of anyone more perfect for you than her.”
Will didn’t bother to wait for a response, but trotted down the steps into the yard, leaving Trent to stare after him. His pulse pounded in his ears as Will’s words repeated in his head. Just admit you’re in love with her.
Reality slanted sideways, then slammed him against the wall. Hell. Was he in love with her?
Right behind the realization came the sinking pain. Did it even matter? Could he be anything she needed?
* * *
Trent punched Lauren’s doorbell, then pivoted and turned to pace the length of the porch. Three steps to the left. About-face. Three steps to the right. Wash, rinse, and repeat. It was two in the freakin’ morning. Lauren was no doubt sleeping, but damned if he could sleep. He’d lain in bed pondering his brother’s words for hours now.
Until finally they’d driven him nuts and he’d gotten out of bed. He wasn’t even sure why he was here, except that he’d come to the same conclusion Will had. What the hell did he have to lose at this point? She needed to know she meant more to him than just a month of great sex.
The dead bolt gave a noisy thunk behind him. Every muscle tightened, binding into a tight little ball that sat, hard and heavy, in his stomach. His nerve endings were on edge, raw, waiting for her to open that door.
When she finally did, his restless nerves ground to a halt. Whatever the hell it was he’d planned to say flew right out of his head. Lauren stood on the other side of the threshold, worry creasing her forehead, wearing those worn pajamas and a clingy white tank top.
“Trent.” Her eyes widened in surprise, then just as quickly her expression blanked. The walls went up over her, like someone had drawn the shades, and she folded her arms, dropping her gaze to her feet as she flexed her bare toes against the floor. “It’s late. Are you okay?”
His gut knotted, regret twisting through his chest. Of course she’d ask him that. She ought to hate him, but deep down where it counted, she still cared.
God, he was such a fool. He knew now why he’d come.
He wanted her. All of her. Maybe he’d fail. Hell, he’d be lucky if she let him past the door. But he had to try. Because his world didn’t make sense without her anymore.
He stepped up to the doorway. Somehow he managed to stop himself from stepping over the threshold and sweeping her into his arms for the desperate need to feel her against him. It had been only a week, but it had felt like an eternity. But if he touched her, it had to be her choice. So he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “No. Can we talk?”
She looked up, misery and exhaustion in her eyes. “I’m tired, Trent. It’s been a long night.”
“I know, but this can’t wait.” Too keyed up to wait for permission, he stepped forward, grabbed her hand, and pulled her the beyond the door enough to close it. If he didn’t say the words now, he might never get another chance.
He led her into the living room, then released her hand and faced her. One look at those big brown eyes and everything he wanted to tell her got narrowed down to three impossible words.
His shoulders slumped. “I miss you.”
Tears flooded her eyes, and Lauren folded her arms again, dropping her gaze to the tan carpeting. “Don’t do this to me. It’s not fair.”
He took that step, closed the distance between them as much as he dared, but stuffed his free hand back in his pocket. “I’m not here to make your life miserable. I just realized something I need you to know.”
She lifted her gaze and shook her head, looking at him like he’d lost his mind. “Then say it, so you can leave and I can go back to bed.”
His gut roiled, his chest aching. Will was right. Their friendship never would’ve recovered from this.
He released a heavy breath. “I don’t blame you for hating me.”
She let out a huff of a laugh. “I don’t hate you. I just can’t stuff my feelings back into that neat little box you want me to and pretend like I can be just your friend.”
Hope blossomed inside of him. Maybe, just maybe, she’d forgive him for being a blind fool.
He drew a breath and launched into the speech he’d been telling her over and over in his head for hours.
“I came home a year and a half ago feeling like a part of me had died. Hell, part of me wished I had. I lived in the dark, went through the motions. But spending time with you?” He shook his head, unable to stop himself from reaching out to her, caressing her chin with his thumb. She shivered beneath his touch, and he only just managed to stop himself from moving closer. “You opened me. Made me live. Hell. You made me want to live. You made me feel human again.”
He stopped to judge her reaction. Waited for her to say something. When she didn’t, when she shifted from
one foot to the other and tugged her chin from his grasp, he sighed and went on. She listened at least. That had to count for something.
“Every day since we ended this, I’ve gone back to living in the dark. My apartment is cold and empty. I finished that carving of you. It’s gorgeous. But like all the rest, it sits in the closet because I can’t bear to look at it. It reminds me of you. I get up every morning more alone than I did the day before. A piece of me is missing, and it took Will pointing it out to me to realize what it was.”
He caught the wobble in her lower lip right before she turned her back to him, staring in the direction of the wall of curtained windows on the other side of the room. Her shoulders were stiff, her back straight. Clearly she didn’t intend to make this easy.
So he stepped up behind her, close enough that her sleep-warm skin infused his. A shiver moved through her that had his hands fisting with the effort not to touch, not to invade her space. “Aren’t you going to ask me what that something is?”
She shook her head. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to prove here, but this is cruel, Trent.”
The wobble in her voice sapped the last of his willpower. He pulled his hands from his pockets and slipped his arms around her waist, tugging her back against him. She didn’t go willingly, but she didn’t pull away, either. It was something, at least. So he continued. “I’m not trying to be. I just need you to know. That something is you.”
Her breathing hitched, and his chest tightened. He’d hurt her, and he hated himself for it. All he could do now was pray that somehow, when it was all said and done, she’d understand.
“I’ve kept you at a distance because I’m terrified to lose you. You’re a light in the dark, Lauren. But you wouldn’t even look at me tonight. You haven’t said two words to me since I left, and it’s eating at me. I haven’t slept since I left your apartment that morning, you know that? Because I miss you. I miss every damn thing about you. Your smile. The sound of your laugh. Hell, I miss you teasing me. But you know what I miss the most?”
This time he waited. He needed some sort of reaction from her. Encouragement. A go to hell. Something to tell him he was getting to her. She listened, but he was even making a dent?
When she continued to remain silent, he leaned his head beside her ear and rushed on. He’d come all the way out here at two in the morning. At the very least, he needed to say the words. “I miss waking up to you in the morning.”
Finally, she relented and sagged back into him. It was a movement of submission, and his chest tightened. She was trembling and for all the wrong reasons. “Why are you telling me all this?”
“Because I need you to know”—he tightened his hold on her and ducked his head, pressing his cheek to hers—“I’m in love with you.”
Lauren’s breathing hitched, and she pulled out of his embrace, stepping away from him. She kept her back to him and wrapped her arms around herself. She wasn’t giving him an inch, and who the hell could blame her? But neither had she asked him to leave. That was something. So he drew a breath and kept going.
“I have to be honest with you, though, doll. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve failed at this once already, and the thought of losing you still scares the shit out of me. My marriage went down in a spiral to hell, and I know damn well it takes two to make or break a marriage. I can’t blame it all on her.”
Lauren finally turned to face him. Tears streaked her cheeks, but her brows furrowed in irritation. “She cheated on you. That trumps whatever problems you might have had.”
“I’m not entirely convinced of that. Would she still have left had I been any kind of husband to her? Or were we doomed from the start? I don’t think I’ll ever know.” He dropped his gaze to the floor, the tan carpeting blurring as his gaze went unfocused. “I’ve got a lot of shit going on inside. Cooper and AJ died because of me, and I don’t know how to live with that. I was supposed to protect them. Every night I see them. Those images haunt me. There are days I wake up feeling like I’m still over there.”
He finally forced himself to look up at her. Focused on her big brown eyes and hoped, somehow, he was making sense.
“That’s what she had to live with. What you’d have to deal with. You want to know why I made up all those damn rules? That’s it. Because I was positive I’d only make you miserable. Most nights are endless for me. The dreams wake me from a dead sleep. Often, I pace the floors because I’m terrified to close my eyes for fear I’ll see it again. I’ve been home nineteen months now, and it hasn’t lessened by much. I’ve just learned to cope a little better.
“There are days when I’m so ornery I can’t stand myself. Because every little sound is a fucking grenade going off beside me, and I’m jumpy as hell. And there are times when being around people is the last thing I want, when all I want is my space, to sort it all out on my own.”
He reached out slowly, caressing his fingers along her cheek. She didn’t flinch or swat his hand away. That had to be a good thing, right?
“But I’m miserable without you. My world has gone dark again. I get up. I go through the motions. But it’s empty. I don’t want to go back to living like that. I want you. All of you. And I want you to have all of me.”
For a moment she stared, her lower lip wobbling, tears hovering in her eyes. When he was sure she’d ask him to leave, she finally took that step. Snaked her arms around his neck and buried her face in his throat. “I love you, Trent. Exactly the way you are. I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to be here.”
Trent released the breath he wasn’t aware of holding and crushed her to him. “Jesus.”
He was sure he held her so tightly she couldn’t breathe, but she didn’t complain, and he couldn’t let her go. If he did, he’d come apart at the seams. Instead, he buried his face in the fall of hair at her shoulder, let her scent wrap around him and soothe the gaping wound that had opened the morning he’d left her. The warmth of her body made the shaking finally stop.
He turned his head and kissed her neck. “I’m yours, doll. For as long as you’ll have me.”
She kissed his cheek and leaned back, big brown eyes searching his face. After a moment her gaze dropped to his chest. “You know, the last time we made love, in the kitchen, we didn’t…”
He pursed his mouth, his gut churning as that morning rose over him. He’d acted on impulse, something he never did. All he’d known was he was losing her.
“I know. I’m sorry for not being more careful.” He shook his head, at a loss as to how to explain. “I wasn’t thinking straight. You were ending it, denying me that last day, and I wanted a piece of you to take with me.”
She peeked up through her lashes, a soft pink flush rushing into her cheeks. “I’m not. Sorry for it, I mean.” One corner of her mouth quirked upward. “That was hot.”
He laughed and captured her mouth for a tender kiss, losing himself for a moment in the soft press of her lips against his, then forced himself to pull back. One look at the light and heat in her eyes and he knew. “Marry me.”
She froze, her smile melting from her face, gaze searching his. After a moment her brows drew together. “Are you sure?”
“I told you—I don’t want to lose you. Ever. What we had? I want that. Every damn day. I want to fall asleep wrapped around you, and I want to wake up next to you and make love to you before I even leave the bed. I want to make you breakfast and come home from work knowing you’ll be here waiting for me.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “That’s bliss.”
He’d come home a year and a half ago broken, and in his arms was the woman who’d put him back together. He wasn’t ever letting her go.
Tears flooded her eyes again, and she gave him a soft smile. “Yes.”
Relief flooded through him. He squeezed her so tight she squeaked, then let out a quiet laugh. Then he released her enough to meet her gaze again. “You should also know I want kids. And I think it’s time I got a dog.”
Unable to s
leep one night, he’d found himself in his closet, staring at all those wooden statues. Then he’d found himself looking up websites on retired service dogs on his phone. The waiting list was long, more than a year, but he wanted one.
The warmth of her palm settled over his heart. “I’m okay with that.”
He brushed a kiss across her mouth, then released her and took her hand, sinking to the sofa. Lauren climbed in his lap, straddling his thighs, then wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. They sat that way for some time, neither one speaking. The rightness of the moment settled inside of him. For the first time since he’d come home, he felt at peace with himself, like he was finally beginning to stitch back together and that maybe, just maybe, morning had finally come, chasing away the darkness within.
Lauren was the first to move. She sat back on his knees and rolled her eyes. “I should probably tell you, Mandy figured out something was up at the party tonight. She noted the tension between us. When I refused to tell her anything, she said if we didn’t fix whatever had gone wrong, she’d lock us in a room together.”
He could only shake his head. He still wasn’t entirely comfortable with his baby sister knowing the details of his sex life. “I suppose that’s for the best. I’m going to have to tell her eventually that I’m marrying her best friend.”
She laid her head on his shoulder again, and for a few moments a comfortable silence settled between them. He ought to get up, take her to bed. It was late, after all, but he couldn’t force himself to move, to relinquish even this small intimacy with her.
“Trent?” Her voice came muffled from his throat.
“Yeah?”
“I’m not sorry, you know.” She leaned back again, sitting on his knees. Her gaze caught his for a brief moment, then dropped to his chest, her hand caressing the spot over his heart. “For that month I spent with you. I have no regrets. Even when I thought I’d lost you.”
He cupped her cheeks in his palms, letting his thumbs stroke her soft skin. He was a lucky man. “Me either. You made me feel whole again.”
