I took a deep breath and asked the palace secretaries to put me through.
“Your Majesty.” The Prime Minister’s accent took me straight back to the soldiers in my nightmares. “I’m relieved to hear you’re alright.”
“Thank you,” I said carefully.
“I was concerned to hear about the attempts on your life. And the bombings. A terrible business.”
I crushed the receiver in my hand, furious. I thought of Garrett’s dad, of Caroline. A terrible business?! I knew he was a master politician, knew he’d been playing this game since before I was born. But how could he lie so brazenly? “Mr. Prime Minister... we know that the group responsible is led by Silvas Lukin, the Garmanian war criminal. We know that his men are Garmanian soldiers from his old squad—”
“Terrorists,” said the Prime Minister calmly. “I assure you we don’t support—”
“They’re using Garmanian weapons!” I snapped, already losing my cool. “The rifle used to shoot my father! The mortar and incendiary rounds used to try to kill me in Texas! All manufactured in Garmania!” I snatched up the report Aleksander had given me. “I’m looking at a report on the bombs placed in our city: the explosives are the same type your army used in the war!”
He faked righteous indignation. “Are you suggesting—”
“Prime Minister, we know what you’re doing. We know what you’re planning!”
“Let me tell you what we know,” he said coldly. “We see Lakovia close to falling apart, its people panicked, its leadership failing to protect them. You lash out at our country, accuse us of supporting terrorism in your media. We see Garmanians in your country persecuted, attacked in their homes—”
“We’re already moving to stop that,” I said quickly.
“Meanwhile, our satellites show activity at your airbases. You’re preparing to attack. If you do, we’ll have no choice but to defend ourselves.”
What?! That’s how he was going to play it, turn it all around and paint them as the victim? “Mr. Prime Minister, please,” I begged. “I—” I took a deep breath. “I don’t want a war. But I’ll do what I have to, to protect my people.”
“As will I, Your Majesty.”
And the line went dead.
I stared at the receiver, panting in frustration, and then hurled the thing across the room. I put my head on the desk and wrapped my arms over it. I just wanted to break down and cry. Whatever I did, war was coming. Millions were going to live or die based on what I did. I’m not ready for this! I’m not a queen!
Garrett’s words came back to me. I believe in you.
I let out a long sigh, then swept my hair back from my face and sat up. I picked the phone up off the floor and called in General Novak and Aleksander. When they arrived, I filled them in on the phone call. Neither of them seemed surprised.
Aleksander sighed. “With this, the attack on the coronation and the evidence that the explosives they’re using are Garmanian... Your Majesty, there’s only one choice here. We have to attack.”
I shook my head. “There must be some other way.”
“Your Majesty, your father trusted me,” said General Novak. “I ask that you do the same. War is inevitable at this point. We must attack first.”
I wish Garrett was here. “How many?” I could only manage a whisper. “How many will die?”
“My latest estimates are two million of our people, over the course of the war.”
“How many in total, General?”
“Two million of ours, Your Majesty. Eight million Garmanians.”
The numbers were horrific, unthinkable. “And if I don’t attack first?”
“Then their bombers will likely target our cities. Six to eight million of our people, a longer war: one I’m not sure we’d win. At least as many dead on their side, maybe more.”
Ten million people. Dead. Or more than that if I didn’t attack first. I wanted to throw up. They were right, there was only one decision I could make but that didn’t make it any easier. “We attack,” I said. “How does it work?”
General Novak nodded somberly. Thank God he’s here. “The bombers will launch tomorrow morning at dawn, Your Majesty. They’ll enter Garmanian airspace and start their bombing runs roughly an hour later.”
“You’ll go on TV and issue a formal declaration of war just before they cross the border,” said Aleksander. “Also: the President of Sorvatia is on his way. Once the war starts, we’ll have to move troops and supplies through his country to reach parts of Garmania. He’ll be here this evening.”
I nodded. “I’d like to be alone now.”
I managed to hold on until the door had closed behind them. Then I ran to my bathroom and threw up.
Kneeling there on the tiles, I started shaking and couldn’t stop. I’ve failed. I’ve failed my people. My bathroom’s not big, but the room felt enormous, a vast plain with winds whipping across it to chill me. I needed to get warm. I needed Garrett’s arms around me.
But I couldn’t have them.
Instead, I walked on shaky legs to the bathtub and ran a hot, deep bath. I dumped in some of the mandarin and patchouli oil I loved so much. I’d been dreaming about taking a bath ever since this whole nightmare started. But when I got in, it didn’t relax me. I wanted him.
And then I heard his unmistakable, heavy footfall in the hallway outside my chambers. The thump of his knock, like a giant who has to knock with just one knuckle, or he’ll knock down the door. That deep Texas rumble...but there was something wrong, a halting tension in his voice. “Your Majesty?”
Immediate, overwhelming relief. He’s here. I needed him: God, I needed him. This rock of a man, the one person who wasn’t all about double-talk and scheming. And right on the heels of that, the knowledge that we couldn’t be together. It isn’t fair, damn it!
I swallowed. “Come in. I’m bathing.”
I heard the door to my bedroom open and then close. His footsteps approaching the bathroom door. My heart started to race: did he understand I only meant come into the bedroom? What if he just walks straight in here and sees me— My eyes went to the unlocked bathroom door and the lust slammed into me, pushing back my problems for a moment. The effect he had on me was physical, immediate. I could actually hear my breathing growing quicker and more ragged with each footstep that came towards me. Imagining his big hand turning the handle, the door swinging open, his eyes roaming over my body….
He stopped. I heard him hunker down and sit, right outside my bathroom door. I actually saw the door move a little as he leaned against it. I let out a long, heavy breath.
“The war’s about to start,” I told him through the door. “Whatever I do, however hard I try, I can’t change it.” I lay there staring at the door, wishing I could see him. “Garrett... did you ever send people to die?”
“No, Your Majesty. I’m just a grunt. I get the easy part.”
He didn’t try to tell me it would be okay. I loved that about him: the total lack of bullshit. But then he went quiet and I knew something awful was coming.
“Your Majesty,” he said at last. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
Despite the hot water, a chill started to seep into me. “Go on,” I told him.
“It’s been an honor to serve you,” he said. “But I have to leave.”
47
Garrett
“No,” said Kristina. “No! I need you!”
I stared at the dark, polished wood of the door. I could hear her, hear the tiny laps and splashes as she moved around in the tub. I could smell the bath oil, like sweet oranges and flowers. Her skin would smell of it, if I ran in there and pressed my body against hers, her wet breasts pillowing against my chest. In my mind, I could see her, skin glistening, strands of her chestnut hair sticking to her pale shoulders.
My hand ached with the need to just grab the handle and hurl the door open. Sitting there was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life... which was exactly why I had to leave.
/> “You’re safe in the palace,” I said. “And I’ve heard the General, he’s confident you’ll win the war as long as we attack first. The threat against you will be gone.”
“It’s not just about needing your protection.” The pain in her voice made my chest ache.
I closed my eyes. “I know. That’s why I have to leave.” I sighed. “You’re a princess—Hell, you’re the Queen, now. I’m—”
“I don’t care what you are, Garrett!”
I opened my eyes and looked around at the huge chandelier and the four poster bed. At the solid silver chess set and the gold candlesticks. “We’re from two different worlds, Kristina. You can’t be with me. I thought coming here with you was the right thing to do, but it’s just hurting you more and I never wanted to hurt you. You’re the most special damn thing I’ve ever known in my life. I never wanted anyone so bad. But life ain’t a fairytale.” I pressed my palm against the door, wishing I could touch her.
48
Kristina
I was leaning out of the bath, my hand pressed against the door. Even through the thick wood, I swore I could feel the warmth of him on the other side. “Stay,” I begged. “Stay and we’ll find a way!” My heart was pounding, my stomach a cold, dark knot of fear. Everything he was saying was true. We couldn’t be together. But the thought of losing him forever made all those rules and traditions suddenly seemed so wrong. “Stay!”
The Texas rumble again, a vibration I felt in every inch of wet, exposed skin. “Even if we could figure something out, I’m not right to be with anyone. Got some bad shit in my head.”
I needed to fix this before we tore apart forever. But I had to pick my way carefully or I’d shatter the slender bridge that still remained. My whole body had gone cold and I slid fully back into the bath and lay there in its heat and steam as I thought desperately. “Garrett,” I said at last, “I know that things happened to you in the war. That’s okay. I know what that’s like. You know I do.”
I heard his intake of breath, that protective rage as he remembered what happened to me. It warmed me inside. I can’t live without this, without him to make me feel safe.
“It ain’t just what happened,” he said. “It’s what I did.”
And for the first time, I glimpsed the root of all that pain. Guilt. That’s what he’d been carrying all these years. I had to help him, to save him. God knows, he’d saved me enough times. “Whatever it was, it’s okay. I know you, Garrett. You’re a good man. Tell me what happened.”
But he was silent. He wasn’t going to tell me. He was going to get up and go and that would be it, I’d never see him again. I’d be on my own forever. And he’d be on his own forever.
No. I wasn’t going to let it end like this. I owed him too much. Even if we couldn’t be together, I needed to help him before he left. I’d go out there and make him talk. I’ll stand up, throw open the door, wrap my arms around him and—
But I couldn’t get up.
At first it was funny: my legs had gone to sleep. But when I tried to wiggle my toes, they didn’t respond. And when I tried to reach down and feel them, my arms wouldn’t move. Something was horribly wrong.
I flexed my back, trying to sit up, but nothing happened. I was lying there helpless, chin a few inches above the surface. What the hell?
Through the door, I heard Garrett’s body shift as he adjusted position. Garrett! I’d call to him. He’d help me. I inhaled... but my lungs barely moved. And my vocal cords wouldn’t cooperate: I couldn’t yell, couldn’t even speak.
I was paralyzed.
For a moment, I just lay there listening to the faint sound of my own breath. And then something started to happen.
I was slipping.
I couldn’t feel it because my legs were completely numb, but I could just see out of my peripheral vision that they were starting to flex as the muscles weakened. And as they flexed, my body was sliding down the bath...and under the water.
Oh Jesus Christ no.
I moved a millimeter at a time, the water rising up my neck. I was going to drown and I couldn’t let Garrett know there was anything wrong. My only chance was if he spoke first. If he broke the silence and I didn’t respond, and he realized something was wrong. Please, Garrett! Talk to me!
Silence.
The water lapped at my chin, then began to creep towards my lips. Garrett! Talk to me!
But the silence stretched on. I slipped down, down.... and then it happened: the water reached my lips.
Garrett!
A rivulet of sweet, scented bath water spilled over my lower lip and into my mouth. Then another and another. It became a flow, filling my mouth. And then it started to drain down into my windpipe. Inside, I was hysterical: I wanted to kick and thrash and scream. But my frozen body wouldn’t move. I didn’t even gag: the muscles no longer worked. The water just ran freely, filling my lungs. And I started to drown.
49
Garrett
I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back there, to Baker and the house, the dust and the blood. All the pain and guilt rose up inside me and locked my throat down tight. Maybe if I had her calming touch, I could handle it... but if I ran in there and took her in my arms, we’d start something we couldn’t stop.
I silently shook my head... and dropped my palm from the door. Then I got up and walked away. Through her bedroom. Out to the hallway.
But the further I got from her, the stronger the pull back towards her. I came to a stop on the threshold, the door handle gripped in my hand.
I couldn’t shut the door.
I couldn’t not be with her.
The instinctive urge to protect myself, to keep the memories sealed up tight, was strong... but the need to protect her, to be with her, was overwhelming.
I stomped back into the bedroom and over to the bathroom door. I stood there raging at myself, fists bunched, trying to get the words out. Eventually, I closed my eyes and laid my forehead against the cool wood. “I never told anyone before,” I muttered. “But I want to...I got to tell you. And if you hear it all and you still want me....”
She didn’t reply.
“Your Majesty?”
Nothing.
I raised my voice a little. “Kristina?”
Silence. A silence that made me go cold, right down to my bones.
I threw open the door. She was lying completely submerged, her hair sprayed out in a cloud around her head, her eyes open and staring at the ceiling. My stomach lurched. Please God, let her just be lying there soaking. Her ears are underwater, maybe she didn’t hear me. That had to be it. I’d move into her line of sight and she’d jerk upright—
I loomed over her, but her eyes just stared sightlessly up at me. Oh Jesus God, no—
I plunged my arms into the water and scooped her up. She was limp in my arms: no breath, no movement. What the hell happened?! Had she slipped and hit her head? But I would have heard something and there was no blood.
Then I saw the rash. Very faint, like twisting pink snakes looping around her limbs and across her torso. Something in the water. I’d heard of stuff like that, in Iraq. Nerve agents: you didn’t even have to breathe them in, just getting them on your skin was enough.
I ran. Down the stairs of the tower, through the palace hallways. Soldiers had begun to arrive to patrol the palace and I bellowed at them to get out of the way! The route to the medical facility was burned into my brain after all those hours trying to memorize the place. Down this hallway, into the elevator, four floors down—
I burst into the medical facility, hollering at the top of my lungs. “Doctor! Need a doctor!” A nurse screamed as she saw the naked, dripping princess in my arms. Doctors swarmed us and I told them about what I thought had happened. They snatched her from my arms and had her on a gurney inside of five seconds.
I raced with them into a treatment room. One doctor fed a tube down Kristina’s throat while another readied a defibrillator. A third started hosing the s
tuff off her skin.
I stumbled back out of the way to let them work. I could feel the shock getting to me, now: my legs had gone weak and my chest felt numb. “Will she be okay?”
The doctor who seemed to be in charge, a big guy with a silver beard, was wiping Kristina’s leg with a cotton swab. “I need to find out what she’s been poisoned with. If you’re sure it was in the water, then I have a suspicion….” He shoved the cotton into a test tube and filled it with a clear liquid, then shook it. The liquid turned blue. “There. We have an antidote.” He grabbed a vial from a cabinet and started filling a syringe. At the same time, the guy with the defibrillator paddles shocked the princess for the first time. Her body jerked, but then fell lifelessly back to the gurney. Please! Please wake up! I couldn’t lose her—
I fell.
It happened so fast, the first warning I had was when my ass hit the tiled floor. I hadn’t slipped: my legs had just quit supporting me. What the hell?
I tried to get up. Couldn’t. My arms didn’t have any strength.
That’s when I realized my clothes were soaked through with the bathwater, from carrying Kristina.
Some of the doctors broke off and surrounded me. “No! Save her!” My voice was getting weak. My lungs were barely moving air.
“No response!” yelled the guy using the defibrillator on the princess. “Charging, three hundred!”
“Get him on a gurney!” said someone else.
I was falling again, this time down a long, black tunnel. “Save her!” I croaked.
And then nothing.
50
Kristina
Saving the Princess Page 21
