by Cece Monét
Chapter Six
Angela looked up and saw that it was already 2:00 am. She’d been so engrossed in all the files Cheng had given her that she hadn’t paid any attention to the fact that she’d been down here for more than four hours going through everything. Angela chewed on her bottom lip trying to decide what she should do now.
She felt wide awake and she didn’t feel like going up to bed yet. So instead, she filled out the blank survey with information on her and Jayden. Name(s): Angela Louise Hawkins and Jayden Cheng Hawkins. Favorite color(s): ALH – blue, JCH – orange. Siblings: ALH – one brother named Nathan, JCH – none, only child.
Angela completed the other survey questions and saved the new file to her desktop. She then retrieved her diary and scanned some select pages into a new PDF that she also saved to her desktop. Then she created a new folder that she called “Cheng” and put the files she’d just created in it before she started dragging and dropping photos she wanted to share with him into the folder as well.
Some pictures were of her throughout her life, especially when she was pregnant with Jayden. She put in ultrasound shots from when she’d been carrying Jayden too. She even included some videos of Jayden taking some of his first steps, some footage from her and Jayden’s vacation to Hawaii a couple of years ago. She added videos of her and their son at Disneyland as well as Jayden learning to ride his tricycle and even his first swimming lesson. Then Angela decided to record a voice message too.
“Hey Cheng. So I’m sure, as you can imagine, that today has been a whirlwind, rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. I’m not feeling as overwhelmed right now as I did during our conversation earlier tonight. Look, I really need you to understand my position. It took me a while to find a guy who I thought would be good for me and who would also accept Jayden as part of a package deal. That being said, I don’t want to make promises to you that I don’t know whether or not I can keep right now.
“What I mean is that I’m starting to feel like no matter what I ultimately decide, someone is going to end getting hurt. Brian has been really good to me and Jayden and we’ve been seeing each other for about the last year and a half now. I don’t think I can just throw all that away and break our engagement based on some random one-day re-acquaintance with you. Plus, I had felt so much hurt and resentment towards you for so long, thinking you’d abandoned me, even though of course you didn’t even know about Jayden then, that I can’t just pick up where we left off before like nothing ever happened.
“I need time still to figure out how I want to proceed from here. However, I do want to give you the opportunity to get to know our son, if you want to do that. Understand too that I don’t want our baby stuck in the middle of any drama. I’ve worked damn hard to make his world as stress-free as possible, but I’m sure we can work out something reasonable.
I also wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reach out to me and share the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful from your life adventures and misadventures over the last few years. Having some of these chronicles archived will probably also make a world of difference to Jayden when he’s older too and we can share some of these things with him. So anyway, it’s getting late and I need to get to bed.
I saw the contact page you included in your letter slash journal slash blog, so I’ll send these files to your personal e-mail address before I go to sleep in a few minutes. Oh and by the way, I think it would be best if I work from home tomorrow. Clearly you know where to find me if you need me, but I will be checking my work e-mail and I’ll be connected via my VPN access so I’ll be able to connect to our intranet portals, SharePoint, network drives and folders and Basecamp projects. So I’m all set. I’ll talk to you later in the week. Good night.”
Angela sent all the files over to his g-mail account and tried to get her overwrought mind to calm down so she could get some sleep tonight.
~
Cheng was currently living at an extended stay executive corporate housing location, but it was basically a luxury hotel. Which fortunately for him meant that they had both a fully stocked mini bar in his suite as well as twenty-four room service. Cheng had been too upset to eat when he’d first gotten back here after having driven around for a while, and paced around the room for what felt like hours.
However, around the 1:30am mark, his stomach growling had gotten the better of him and he’d ordered a turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread with a side of fries. He’d also gotten a gin and tonic to wash it all down. Oh, alright. So he’d gotten three gin and tonics to wash it all down…
He sat poking at his fries then pushing the uneaten half of his sandwich around on the plate, before he decided to just give up on the food altogether. Next, he started in on his second drink. He hadn’t drank much in a while, but he welcomed the familiar burn of the uniquely strong gin flavored mixed drink as it went down his gullet nice and smooth. When he was about halfway through this drink, his smart phone buzzed to notify him that he had a new e-mail message.
He looked at his phone and saw that the pop up notifier read that the message was from Angela and contained an attachment. He immediately flipped open his laptop and opened the folder she’d sent him. He didn’t know what to expect, but if she was still up this late and had just sent him something, that at least meant she was thinking about him on some level or another. So for now, he would take this new development as a good sign. Maybe there was still hope for them… maybe?
He read through her diary entries, understood her joy at having a baby as well as her anguish as she’d faced the daunting challenge of guaranteed single motherhood. She talked about her fatigue especially in the first year after Jayden’s birth and how she got through it better whenever she saw her son’s happy little face. She also wrote how difficult having a biracial child was at times, because there were things she knew about Chinese culture, including some words from both the Mandarin and Cantonese languages.
However, she was not completely fluent in Chinese, didn’t know how to teach her son to be a Chinese, even a half Chinese man (or a man at all, for that matter) and was worried that their son wasn’t getting enough full exposure to his dual cultures. Also, since their son “looked Asian," people never thought she was Jayden’s mother, and had even assumed that she was just his nanny on several occasions, like when she went to enroll him in preschool. It was that type of assumption which Angela found annoying, frustrating and downright insulting at times.
Angela went on to talk about the looks she got at times when an “Asian” child called her “mommy” in the Black community. She’d surprisingly even encountered resistance from her own family as some of her family members didn’t seem to approve of her having had a Blasian baby. They’d stressed that it was bad enough that she was a single, unwed mother, but on top of all that she’d be raising a biracial child that she wasn’t qualified to raise. What did she really know about being a mother, let alone a mixed race upbringing, or what it meant to be half Asian anyway?
She’d countered with the fact that her child was human first and foremost and how as long as the family loved, accepted and treated him with respect, what difference did it make what ethnic background he had? The alternative of her having had an abortion which would have ended her baby’s life didn’t seem like a better, more viable solution, especially given that she thought her family was pro-life. Cheng could feel her outrage from her written words at those who were supposed to have supported her, but instead had withdrawn and condemned her.
On the other hand, there were definitely those in her family and community that had supported her throughout, like her brother Nate and her best friend Beverly. According to Angela’s journal, they were always the two who had her back, her biggest cheerleaders no matter what. Cheng couldn’t wait to meet the people who had been some of Angela and Jayden’s biggest advocates.
He couldn’t help but feel pangs of sadness and longing when he read all of the parts in her journal where she wrote of going it a
ll alone or missing her son’s father. Cheng also felt distressed where she’d briefly written about how pissed she was at him for not being there for her and their son when they needed him the most. She’d wanted him to hold her, defend her, console her and let her know that everything would be alright, but she knew it was too much to expect given their brief acquaintance.
Cheng suspected that she’d written a lot more on this topic that she hadn’t sent to him, but he definitely got the general gist of her feelings from what she had shared. Yet Cheng admired Angela even more now than ever before. He now knew about some of her challenges as a single mother. However, despite the less than ideal circumstances in which Jayden had been born and raised thus far, their son was healthy, well cared for and appeared to be happy and well adjusted too.
Overall, Cheng found Angela’s journal enlightening. It gave him more insights into her inner workings as well as let him know what to really expect as a parent and particularly what some of the challenges of raising a biracial kid were. He’d never really considered any of these issues before, but he was glad to have a heads up on them because he knew how important they’d be for the three of them to address. However, it still seemed to Cheng that many of Angela’s thoughts and concerns would be relevant to almost any parent of a young child, especially in her position. He wondered how his family would respond to Angela and Jayden.
His extended family members from his mother’s side knew that he had met a young African-American woman that he was absolutely crazy about during his days in Hong Kong. He’d even drawn them a picture of her so they knew what she looked like. The only comment that one of his male cousins made was that yes, he agreed she was beautiful, but his other cousins had remained markedly silent.
Then his aunt had said something along the lines of how interesting it must be to travel the world. It must give one a new perspective on being Chinese and what’s acceptable for one’s children. She didn’t say anything else on the matter and he’d dropped it too, not wanting to be rude. Cheng had to acknowledge that Angela probably wasn’t the only one with family members who would give them grief over their relationship and their son. He didn’t care though. Cheng wasn’t about to let other people’s prejudice keep him away from his woman and their baby.
Next, Cheng saw Angela’s survey responses. He was glad to see that she had answered for both herself as well as Jayden, so he could get to know them both better. However, glancing at Angela and Jayden’s surname, he couldn’t help but yearn for the day when they would both be called Liu.
Cheng looked at all of her and Jayden’s pictures and watched the videos of all the time he’d missed so far of participating in his son’s life as he’d grown up. He sighed each time as he re-watched the videos of Jayden taking his first steps, learning to swim then learning how to ride his tricycle. Cheng couldn’t help but feel cheated. He should’ve been there to help teach his son those things.
Then he listened to her recorded voice message. Actually, he listened to it three times all the way through to be sure he hadn’t missed anything that she’d said. Subsequently, Cheng went back to pacing around his suite and drinking the remainder of his second gin and tonic. Clearly, they were at an impasse. Angela hadn’t given up on him altogether. At least not yet, but she certainly wasn’t prepared right this second to give up everything she’d worked so hard for in the last few years for him either. Including what sounded like a dreadfully boring, albeit it a fairly stable relationship with her current fiancé.
Cheng thought about his options. He could be patient, and wait, hope and pray that eventually Angela chose him. This, given that he’d basically been doing that already for half a decade didn’t feel like the best option. Besides, it felt like too passive of a stance to take. He could go the slightly more devious way and after spending time with his son, find ways to put the moves on his baby’s mama.
Cheng laughed out loud at that idea. First of all, he didn’t do covert very well so he couldn’t image a plan like that latter one working out for him. On that same note, he also couldn’t believe he had someone in his life to which the term “baby mama” could apply. Cheng wanted so much more than this highly limiting set of circumstances for his family. He sighed yet again and his pacing continued.
Should he shower her with gifts? What could he send her? Flowers? Chocolates? Make a counter marriage proposal complete with an even better engagement ring than she was already wearing so she would know to consider him as a serious suitor too? Yet, he couldn’t imagine that anything material was going to seriously impress Angela. She was a woman of her own means and Cheng didn’t want her to feel like he was trying to buy her. He blew out a frustrated, exasperated breath and kept pacing. Suddenly, a thought struck Cheng like a lightning bolt and the epiphany made him freeze, mid-stride.
He had been so busy thinking about how he could convince Angela to take a chance on him like he’d taken on her, that he’d overlooked something major. He remembered reading a letter of recommendation in Angela’s file earlier where a previous supervisor commended her. The supervisor said Angela had an uncanny ability to “see beyond a difficult situation and differences of opinion to get at the real heart of the matter and settle disputes in a way that garnered successful results for all parties involved.” In fact, this one leadership strength was listed as one of the most key assets Angela could bring to any organization.
Thus, this woman was used to taking charge and calling the shots in tough situations, even if it was from behind the scenes. Not only that, but Angela could turn things around so that it became a win-win scenario on all sides. Her strength and ability to make challenging circumstances all work out favorably was even evidenced in how she was raising their son Jayden.
So if Cheng kept pushing her without ever allowing Angela breathing room to do what it was that she did best, he would definitely lose her. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. For once in his life, Cheng was going to have to remain silent and hand complete control over to someone else. He’d have to put utter faith and confidence in whatever final decision Angela arrived at and be prepared to live with it.
Cheng already knew that no amount of scheming, plotting, bribery, nepotism or corporate political alignments would sway Angela. So despite his personal feelings and desires in the matter, he was going to have to do the one thing he wanted to do the least. Cheng was used to being in control, taking decisive action and saying exactly what he thought. Now he was going to have to let go of the woman he loved entirely by learning when and how to proactively be still and silent, starting from this moment on.
Chapter Seven
Angela hadn’t slept well the previous night. She couldn’t get her mind to rest, so she tossed and turned uncomfortably trying to run a myriad of scenarios through her brain with how everything would turn out depending upon who she chose. Angela couldn’t believe it. She was stuck in a real life love triangle.
This morning she’d dropped Jayden off at school and had come back home to get a little more rest. Now she was dragging ass, glad to be at home where none of her coworkers and especially her new boss, could see that she looked and felt like hell. She was checking e-mails and responding to various customer, colleague and vendor inquiries. She finished a report on a new customer service and relations management software tool she thought the company should implement, updated a general supply chain work flow document, and then created a timeline for a new project she was currently managing.
She sent the items she’d been working on to Cheng and spent the next hour on a conference call. When the long, tedious, boring and mostly irrelevant call was finally over, Angela went back to the kitchen to refill her mug and had her third cup of coffee for the morning. She normally only drank one cup of coffee max in a single day, but today she really needed the extra caffeine boost if she was going to stay awake. When Angela walked back into the den, she saw that she had a text message from her fiancé.
From their routine good morning call earlier, Brian kne
w she was working from home today and was now texting to ask if he could take her out to lunch. She texted the word “yes” back to him. Then she hurriedly tried to get herself looking presentably decent for the next thirty minutes, though Brian said he’d come get her in an hour. She checked her e-mail messages for work again and decided to take her iPad with her when she went out to eat lunch with Brian. Who, as expected, showed up to pick her up about fifteen minutes early. Angela knew he would.
That was Brian though – predictable. Solid. Stable. Boring. She mentally chastised herself immediately, reminding her stupid heart that was suddenly beating overtime at the very thought of Cheng, that Jayden needed stability and so did she. That Cheng was a wild card that she wasn’t sure she could fully trust or view as a sure bet.
What if five year’s worth of nostalgia was making her romanticize and idealize a man who wasn’t really right for her? Would she still feel the same way about him even if he wasn’t her only child’s father? Was that even a relevant or fair question seeing as how he already was her son’s father?
When she opened her front door, Brian greeted her with a kiss on the lips. It was nice, but there weren’t any of the kind of fireworks that she knew from experience a couple who were seriously into one another could achieve. Stop it! During the drive to lunch, Brian told her about his rounds last night at the hospital. She tried to stifle a yawn as he spoke. She also tried to tell herself it was just fatigue from sleep deprivation, not a general lack of interest that truthfully seemed to have always pervaded most of her conversations with Brian.
Honestly, Angela just didn’t care what color a patient’s mucous was or that different colors of phlegm represented different ailments. She wasn’t that interested in resetting broken bones or reattaching severed fingers. In truth, she thought those details from his forays as an on-call staff doctor in the ER were just gross and wished like all hell that Brian would keep them to himself. Brian rarely spoke to her as it was though. So she could hardly tell the man she was supposed to marry to find something else, perhaps less nausea-inducing, especially as they were about to go eat, to converse about.
